You are currently browsing posts tagged with Stupid-Ass Texans

Caption This: Cheryl Burke And Tom DeLay On Dancing With The Stars

October 27th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

cheryl burke and tom delay

[photo via HuffPo]

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Bitch, Please

December 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This week, US Weekly nabbed an exclusive with Tila Tequila, whose book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila is in stores now, where she told the tabloid that she wants to adopt a boy.

“Sometimes I think, like, let’s just run away from Hollywood and adopt a son, and do my own thing,” she said. “But then I realize, you know what? I want to make at least another billion dollars before I adopt children so I can just focus on them.”

“ANOTHER billion dollars”? Really? I’m not so hot with numbers (I fake it pretty well, though), but doesn’t saying you want to make another billion dollars suggest that you’ve already made a billion dollars?

Dayum, Tila. A few may have bought into the idea of you being bi, but how stupid do you think people really are?

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 23% of Texas

October 31st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’ve spent a lot of my adult life defending the state of Texas, where I’m from (as opposed to where I’m “from-from”), especially during the last eight years with W. in office. I usually begin with the refrain, “There are good people there,” before espousing the virtues of the things from home that I still hold dear: big sky, late afternoon thunderstorms that rattle the house and offer a thrilling, momentary reprieve from the summer heat, Tex-Mex, barbeque, and chicken fried steak, not necessarily in that order, the saying of please, thank you, and yes ma’am, football season, the wildflowers that spring up alongside the road, those days spent doing nothing besides drinking iced tea and sitting in the shade, which, in the middle of July, feels something like receiving the universe’s only tender mercy.


I’m not completely sentimental about where I grew up, however, and I also know that that big sky is now choked with the country’s worst pollution, the humid Texas heat is only being made more intolerable and dangerous in every respect by global warming, some of the same people who say please and thank you religiously also believe gays are going to hell (or that there is a hell, for that matter), places where large groups of people gather like football games are often the same places where drunk, hateful idiots feel emboldened enough to openly call someone a gook, spic, nigger, or fag, and there are parts of the state where you still get the feeling that people would like to kill you simply because you look different.

But I don’t want to think that is a significant portion of the population. I know–I’m in a certain amount of denial. But I’m already drowning in my own cynicism on a daily basis, this election has put me and everybody else in an Us vs. Them frame of mind, my parents live in Texas and they are adorable, and it’s too easy to blame certain parts of the country, like Texas, or the South, or the Middle, for all of America’s shameful, small-minded, stupid behavior.

So it was with great dismay that I learned this week that, according to a UT poll, 23% of Texas voters believe Obama is a Muslim. (It goes without saying that I, like so many other people, am first and foremost dumbfounded that “Muslim” has become a slur in this election, but so it has.) A Forbes writer spun this incredible number as less of a mark of ignorance than of the limited way in which polls can be interpreted.

There’s another possibility: McCain supporters using badly conceived polls as political weapons. If you ask people in a hardcore McCain state, a good number of them will says “Yes, Obama is a Muslim” whether they believe it or not, just to get the idea that Obama is a Muslim out there. All’s fair in war and politics, after all.

And I’m willing to believe that. No, amend that. I do believe it. I need to believe it. Because the alternative, that a quarter of Texas voters are actually that small-minded and stupid, hits far too close to home, to my home and how I want to think of it, and, more generally, how I want to think of our greater home, the country we live in.

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A Volunteer Group of One

October 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Hey Ash. Tennessee called. They’ve had quite enough of your “volunteering,” if ya know what I mean.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! A Tale of Two Attacks on Campaign Volunteers

October 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Within the last week, two female campaign volunteers, one for Obama, the other for McCain, have been attacked because of their political allegiances. The first incident happened last Saturday in Caledonia, WI, when 58 year-old Chicagoan Nancy Takehara was canvassing a residential neighborhood and was assaulted by an angry homeowner who is a McCain supporter. Takehara told a local news station that she was “grabbed…by the back of the neck” and that her attacker, who believed that she was affiliated with ACORN, “was pounding on my head and screaming.” Her attacker has since admitted to grabbing Takehara’s hair, and the police are investigating. The second incident allegedly occurred Wednesday, when 20 year-old Ashley Todd of College Station, TX (my birthplace, wouldn’t you know?), told police that she was mugged at an ATM by a black man in Pittsburgh, where Todd was volunteering at a McCain phone bank, and then beaten when her attacker saw that she had a McCain bumper sticker on her car. She also alleged that her attacker carved a “B” on her right cheek with a dull knife, which the McCain campaign’s Pennsylvania Communications Director immediately told state reporters stood for “Barack,” before all the facts were known about the assault.

Now, we don’t stand for violence. Sure, sometimes we kid and say things like we’re going to beat so-and-so’s ass or cut a certain douchetard’s dick off, but we are using hyperbole in those instances and–

WHOA. WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE AND HOLD THE FUCKIN’ PHONE BANK.

This just in…


Today, Pittsburgh Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant told reporters that Todd has since admitted “…she was in her vehicle driving around, and she came up with this idea. She said she has prior mental problems and doesn’t know how the backward letter ‘B’ got on her face.” (Well, we’ll tell you how that backwards “B” got on her face: she cut herself while looking in the mirror and is such a stupid twat that she didn’t realize mirrors reverse images. Good job, DumbAsh!)

Meanwhile, the attack on Nancy Takehara was all too real. And, as we said before, committing physical violence against someone who holds a different opinion from your own is reprehensible and not to be tolerated under any circumstances.

Not that we wouldn’t love to give that lying little shit Ashley a matching shiner right about now.

(P.S. Do you Twitter? Ashley Todd was part of a group called 50 College Republicans, which broadcasts their doings at Life in the Field (DumbAsh’s blog for them has since been deleted). They use the hashtag “#litf08″ for their Tweets. Here’s a fun way to usher in your weekend…plug in #litf08 in your Tweets with your own, uh, Ashley Todd observations, et voila…it shows up on their site! Happy Friday!)

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Just a Good Ol’ Doughboy, Never Meanin’ No Harm (UPDATE)

July 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
ANCIENT DOUBLE-DATE! Wendy and Phil Gramm with John and Cindy McCain


John McCain’s top economic adviser, Phil Gramm–former Texas senator and good-ol’-doughboy–told the Washington Times this week that America has become “a nation of whiners.” He also said the so-called recession we’re experiencing is “mental” and that the country has “never been more dominant.”

Given that Phil and his wife Wendy, also an economist and former Enron board member, have had a hand in two of the worst financial collapses in recent history–the subprime mortgage crisis and the Enron scandal, respectively–I totally see where he’s coming from. Can’t afford gas? It’s all in your head. Lose your house? Suck it up. Lose your life savings so that a bunch of corporate assholes could get filthy rich, fly private, and expand the square-footage on their Aspen vacation homes? Fuck you.

The McCain campaign quickly distanced itself from Gramm’s comments, issuing this statement:

“Phil Gramm’s comments are not representative of John McCain’s views. John McCain travels the country every day talking to Americans who are hurting, feeling pain at the pump and worrying about how they’ll pay their mortgage.”

Aww, shit, Phil! Guess you can say buh-bye to that Treasury Secretary appointment!

UPDATE: Gramm tries to backpedal. Still sounds like a dipshit.

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Like Means "Possessing the Characteristics Of, Resembling Closely, Similar To," Right?

March 26th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The first ever YouTube awards were handed out last night. Sadly, this Tila Tequila rendition of “Like A Virgin” did not win:

Damn, Tila. You were robbed. Those YouTube award hander-outters are stupid haters. Which reminds me of Diana’s fantastic post “Respeck!” and your video diary accompanying it.

In that awesome treatise on Haters, you, Tila, gave me totally RAD advice about how to deal with criticism and whatnot and whoknows and etc, etc. You said:

“The more they hate, the more you want to be like, YO, FUCK YOU. I’m going to do better, I’m going to prove to you…”

Yes? You’re going to prove what?

But then you trail off without finishing that thought. Whatever it was, I am sure it was genius. Perhaps you are not drinking enough Red Bull? Of course, there are people who are verbal and people who are more visual. I would say you’re definitely the latter, being an artist and all. Not that one’s better than the other. It’s like apples and, um, grapefruits.


Finally, I just wanted to give you a shout-out, Asian-Texan to Asian-Texan. Man, those days were rough, weren’t they? Always getting your ass kicked out by the school buses by a girl named Jenna, getting rocks thrown at your head while paddleboating with your family, and being called “alien” and “midget” as you…WAIT A MINUTE.

You were called “alien” and “midget”– AND THAT’S ALL?!?

YOU WHINY. BIG-BREASTISIED. MORON. Yo, Fuck You. You got off easy.

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