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DIANA: We don’t really talk much about the Olsen twins.
JEN: Wait, wait… it’s just “the Olsens” now. Silent “twins.”
DIANA: Right. We don’t talk about those dudes.
JEN: What’s there to say? They’re midgets, they’re probably still anorexic, they hate smiling with teeth, they have poor posture, they love coffee-to-go and fashion shows, it’s a wonder that they don’t ever topple over in those Balenciaga platforms.
DIANA: So they don’t bother you at all?
JEN: Hold on a minute. You know midgets scare me.
DIANA: That’s true.
JEN: But I do love me some Balenciaga.
DIANA: True! But they don’t really do anything. Besides go to lunch and grease up their hair and drink Venti drips from Starbucks, that is.
JEN: That Venti cup is so gauche. Who needs that much of a beverage? Ugh. That shit disgusts me.
DIANA: So we hate them?
JEN: I mean, I kinda nothing them. They do nothing. They nothing me.
DIANA: You did look kinda cute when you dressed up as Mary-Kate for Halloween.
JEN: I’m cute, though. It wasn’t the costume.
DIANA: Right. Y’know, MK has really improved with the slight weight gain. She’s look less like a homely skeleton freak show and more like a garden gnome these days.
JEN: You always did like Ashley better.
DIANA: She seemed more, y’know, together. More so than Mary-Kate at least [Makes cuckoo motion with finger around right ear]. But I’m coming around. I might even be starting to feel half-positive feelings for Mary-Kate.
[Diana shrugs shoulders]
JEN: [clicks on new paparazzi photo of MK leaving a West Village restaurant] Oh. Girl. Backtrack a bit. The gnome is rocking a little dragon lady racial drag underneath her fur.
DIANA: [Gasps] Fur and Racial Drag! A Double whammy! She should be shot.
JEN: Like that animal she’s wearing was.
DIANA: Don’t make me puke.
JEN: So MK makes our hitlist today. Thanks to the paparazzi photo.
DIANA: Tell me again why people take this girl’s picture?