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ROCK OF ASIAN: Less Talking, More Rocking, M.I.A.

June 24th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear M.I.A.,

I know you’ve got a forthcoming album to promote, so you’re going to have to give a gajillion interviews loaded with controversial statements, so that blogs will have something to write about, so that Twitter will get a new trending topic, so that you’ll generate more buzz, so that the wheels will get greased, so that the whole machine behind making you a pop star will get cranking, but I’m going to need you to stop talking for a while, okay?

Because every time I read another interview with you, I like you less and less. And I like you a lot. And I’d like it to stay that way. But it’s kind of impossible when you say things like you’re living in Brentwood because you can’t afford New York. Not that I’m not curious about why you’re living in Brentwood. But, as HuffPo pointed out, real estate there goes for $636 a square foot. You know what would be revolutionary and guerrilla-style? If you said something like, “I’m a mom now, and Brentwood’s safe” or “I’m rich now, where do you want me to live?” or “I like how unchallenging Brentwood is, I don’t have to be cool here” or even something hilariously bourgie like, “I picked Brentwood because I fell in love with this particular house.” You want to get heads spinning? Tell me you’re a Westside–and, uh, I don’t mean in the 2PAC sense–soccer mom. But tell me you’re living in Brentwood because you can’t afford other places, and I want to punch you, as Diana would say, in the neckmeat.

You’re an artist and a storyteller, and we love it when you embellish the truth–as the GQ profile I’m talking about points out you often do–but we don’t like it when you’re dishonest, not so much in the factual sense, but in the emotional sense. So the only Continue reading ROCK OF ASIAN: Less Talking, More Rocking, M.I.A.

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Proof Positive OMG Tila Tequila’s OMG Lost All Sense Of Reality OMG

May 18th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

LIKE WOW OMG WTF LOL!!!!!!!!!

Tila Tequila has a gossip blog called MissTilaOMG.com!!! OMG!!! And like Tila, it has a VERY tenuous grip on reality!!! For example! Gossip Cop reported today that Tila posted about Drew Barrymore’s tell-all coloring book!!! And she asked her readers if they’d buy it and who exactly was the intended audience?! OMG!!! Because it, like, deals with adult themes like addiction and SEXuality!!!!!

Only problem is, the coloring book isn’t REAL!!! It’s a fake-as-Tila’s-breasts story from The Onion!!! WATCH BELOW LOL!!!!!!!

Continue reading Proof Positive OMG Tila Tequila’s OMG Lost All Sense Of Reality OMG

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DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins

April 12th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Oh man. Who knew golf was filled with so much drrrrrrrrama? No, I’m not talking about Phil Mickelson winning the Masters and hugging his wife, who’s been battling breast cancer, after. That was sweet and a welcome break from you know who.

So, yes, I guess I am talking about you know who, but only a little, because I am so seriously bored by Tiger Woods at this point, and I’m kinda mad about it, you know? Because who knew that having sex with porn stars and maybe getting a golf club to the face from your wife was so effing dull? I mean, is nothing SACRED???

Anyway. The point is, Tiger returns to golf. And he looks pretty good on the first day (ultimately, he comes in fourth). But then he has to open his mouth after and compare his comeback to Ben Hogan’s in 1949.

“It’s very similar to what Hogan went through coming off the accident,” Woods said. “He couldn’t play that much, and when you can’t play, you have to concentrate on your practice.”

Ben Hogan was in a car accident, see, back in 1949, just like Tiger. Only he threw himself in front of his wife inside their car to save her when a Greyhound bus plowed into them. And he only, like, broke his collarbone, pelvis, ankle and ribs. So, yes, it is VERY SIMILAR, Tiger. That is to say, Fire your handlers immediately, you dumbass.

80 year-old golf writer, Dan Jenkins, who knew Hogan, was quick to point out that Continue reading DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins

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John Mayer Apologizes For Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth By Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth

February 11th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

John Mayer apologized on stage Wednesday night for saying some racially-fucked things in that now infamous Playboy interview–like calling a “hood pass” a “n*gger pass” and saying he has a “white supremacist dick”–and made a special point of saying sorry to his back-up band members, most of whom are black (awkward!). Although he said he was done being “witty” and “clever,” and repeated over and over that he just wants to “play my guitar,” dude couldn’t stop trying to be witty and clever for over three minutes:

As much as we love a real, honest-to-God apology…DUDE SHUT UP ALREADY.

And the colored girls go,Doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-we’re-so-stoked-you-have-a-white-supremacist-dick-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-keep-plugging-chicks-like-Jessica-Simpson-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-that-is-so-fine-with-us-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-your-emo-sensitive-boy-MeMeMe-patter-gives-us-a-rash-doo doo doo-dooooooooo…

[NY Post: John Mayer apologizes, buying it?]
[Playboy Interview: John Mayer]

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Typhoon Palin Expected to Make Landfall in Hong Kong This Month

September 1st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Take cover, Hong Kong. Typhoon Palin’s about to hit your shores.


CNN reports that Sarah Palin will be the keynote speaker at Hong Kong-brokerage firm CLSA’s Investors conference on September 23 (past speakers have included Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Alan Greenspan). It will be the first trip to Asia for the 45 year-old, ex-Alaskan governor, who famously bragged during the presidential campaign that Alaska’s proximity to Russia gave her foreign policy street cred.

The Atlantic Monthly wondered what Palin will have to say in Hong Kong, and beyond “bless your hearts,” “maverick,” “hockey mom,” “um, um, well, um,” and “real women obliterate wolves from planes,” we were wondering the same thing ourselves.

[The Atlantic: Palin Goes to Hong Kong...What Will She Say?]

[UPDATE: Business Insider suspects this speaking engagement may be a practical joke. On Palin.]

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