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A Note To Rachel Lee, Who May Have Burgled Lindsay and Audrina

October 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Rachel Lee, Celeburglar?

Hi Rachel,

What’s up, girl? We just read that you turned yourself in to the police last month, and just got arrested, in association with the February burglaries of celebutards Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan–aka the Hollywood Hills “Burglar Bunch” string of celebrity heists.

So okay, there are just a couple of teensy things that your big sistaz here at DISGRASIAN have to say (if we may):

First of all, we can’t condone crime, baby. That shit is not good for our collective AZN rep. Stealing is especially frowned upon (unless it’s of the spotlight, the glory, or some dirty bitch’s boyfriend) because it reads as really desperate, sad behavior. Our peeps—we aren’t desperate! We shouldn’t steal stuff cuz we should have stuff. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got good stuff. And if we want more stuff, we just do reallyreallyreally well at something and get a bunch of money and then buy that stuff. Know what we mean?

Secondly, bravo on turning yourself in. That shows a bit of penance, or at least the smarts to build leverage before you and your buddies get threatened with prison time and beaten and forced to narc like crazy on each other until y’all are facing life without the possibility of parole or something. Did your parents make you hand yourself over to the fuzz? Wait–do your parents EVEN KNOW YOU [ALLEGEDLY] ROBBED A COUPLE OF CELEBRITIES YET?!? Or do they think you’re off at college or something and just not returning phone calls about your grades? If not, whoa, sister. We don’t know you, but our spare room is open if you get released and need to hide/crash somewhere for the rest of your life. Shit.

Third and finally, did you manage to steal anything good? From Lohan’s house, we mean (we’ve got no interest in Patridge’s extensive collection of skanky mini-dresses). There’s gotta be some crazy shit up in that hellhole! Anyway, let us know… we’re, um, just curious!

Keep ya head up, girl.

xoxo
DISGRASIAN

[NY Daily News: Second Suspect In Lindsay Lohan's Home Burglary, Rachel Lee, Turns Herself Over To Police]
[TMZ: 4th Burglar Bunch Suspect Arrested In Nevada]

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Dung Deal

March 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Army Captain Michael Dung Nguyen has been charged with theft of government property and money laundering, for allegedly stealing nearly $700k of U.S. money, intended for urgent humanitarian aid and reconstruction in Afghanistan and Iraq.

From AP:

U.S. Attorney Karin Immergut said an investigation began after Internal Revenue Service agents spotted a suspicious pattern with the deposits.

She said the charges indicate a “flagrant and reprehensible disregard” for military honor.

Reports say that Nguyen used the money to buy a number of items, including computers, a BMW, and a (puke) Hummer.

Oh, shame of all shames. If the Captain is convicted of these offenses it will prove that the man has a heart of dung. That he used taxpayer money to buy a really dung truck. And his military career is totally dung-zo. Alright, I’ve said my piece and now I’m dung.

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Thanks, Angelo!

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Grand Theft Asian

February 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between Jen and Diana at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier this afternoon:

DIANA: Wassssuuppp!!!

JEN: What’s up, lady?

DIANA: I’m tired.

JEN: (Yawns) Me too. Ugh.

DIANA: Oh dude, did you see that Bai Ling got caught shoplifting at the airport yesterday?

JEN: Shut up. Which one? LAX?

DIANA: Yep.

JEN: Oh my god! What did she take? Some duty-free Bulgari bags? Can I have one?

DIANA: Hmm. Actually, I believe it was two gossip magazines and a pack of batteries.

JEN: What are you talking about!?!?

DIANA: That’s what it says at UPI.com. It looks like it’s on TMZ too.

JEN: Okay, first of all, who steals from a fucking airport store? Second of all, who doesn’t pay for batteries?

DIANA: Maybe she doesn’t have any money.

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: Hmm.

JEN: Watch this. (Calls to the front office, where intern Nicolai is on Facebook) Nicolai!!!

DIANA: (chimes in) Nicolai!! Come here!

NICHOLAS: (walks into the room, bitchily) My name is Nick. How many times do I have to tell you bitches that my name is Nick? And what do you want?

JEN: Do you have any money?

NICHOLAS: In my bank account or in my pocket?

DIANA: Either.

NICHOLAS: No, I’m your free, unpaid intern. I do your bidding for the love, not the wages.

JEN: Okay then. Question for you: would you ever steal from an airport store?

NICHOLAS: (looks horrified) God, no! That is so gauche! (Pauses) Wait, like the duty-free shops?

DIANA: No, just the places with the candy and neck pillows and US Weekly’s and stuff.

NICHOLAS: Of course not. Is this some kind of insult? Typically I spend $20 bucks on two bottles of Fiji water, then I ask if they have The Economist, and if they don’t, I sigh and say I’ll just take In Touch.

DIANA: (gleefully) ME TOO!

JEN: And that costs you what, twenty, thirty bucks?

NICHOLAS: Hmm, without the water, maybe nine.

DIANA: And with a package of batteries, maybe sixteen.

NICHOLAS: What do I need batteries for?

JEN: Never mind that. Okay so, even you, poor, broke, you, Intern Nicolai, wouldn’t shoplift at the airport to get trashy mags and batteries to save nine or sixteen or thirty bucks.

NICHOLAS: No I would not and please go to hell.

JEN: Insubordination. We’re done here. Thank you, Nicolai!

(Nicholas walks away, confused.)

JEN: Let’s get a new intern.

DIANA: Totally. A hot one.

P.S. Wanna be our new intern? We’re hiring! Email your resume to info@disgrasian.com (you don’t even need to live in LA)!


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Thanks, Ken and Chris!

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Grand Theft Asian

October 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

A 26-year old Singaporean man with prior offenses was sentenced to four months in prison after stealing a Bible from a bookshop, which he took “to replace his old, tattered copy,” reports Reuters.

Judge Bala Reddy read reprimanded the offender with Scripture before gifting him with a Bible (not stolen), assuredly to read while in the clink.

Maybe the culprit will actually open it this time? Something tells me his previous copy was being used as a coaster.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Part Deux

May 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Reports surfaced today detailing a heinous burglary of the newly reunited Smashing Pumpkins’ practice space, which resulted in the theft of photos intended in some way for their forthcoming album Zeitgeist.

Among the reportedly stolen photos, according to Pitchfork:

  • Paris Hilton posing in front of a backdrop of a bomb exploding
  • The Grim Reaper standing at a podium emblazoned with the Seal of the President of the United States, in front of a black and white Smashing Pumpkins flag
  • A person in a business suit wearing a devil mask and being crucified
  • Five blonde children saluting
  • Close-up of Billy Corgan in a hoodie
  • Billy Corgan in a hoodie, standing next to a woman with no shirt on

ZZzzzZZZZzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzz… Oh! Hi! Still there? I’m sorry, I fell asleep in my pizza.

The band’s management released a statement today:


“Management for The Smashing Pumpkins confirms that the band’s rehearsal studio in Chicago was burglarized last week.

The two people who are now in jail illegally gained access to the band’s private space and stole various items belonging to them over the course of several hours while the band had left for the evening.”

In other news, below is a transcript from DISGRASIAN’s daily startup conversation from this morning:

DIANA: Good morning.

JEN: Coffee first. Then good morning.

[JEN and DIANA silently pour espressos over ice]

JEN: Ahh! There we go. Good morning. You look cute today.

DIANA: Not bad for prison garb, right?

JEN: Diana, we’re not in prison. We’re in jail.

DIANA: Same thing!

JEN: Not exactly. [waves Iced Americano in the air]

DIANA: Good point. I wonder how we got this sweet jail suite.

JEN: My guess is that somebody hates Billy Corgan as much as we do.

[JEN and DIANA high five]

DIANA: I wish we hadn’t gotten busted though.

JEN: Me too. I also thought the Paris Hilton photo was going to be better.

DIANA: Totally! I thought Wonk Eye was going to be melting from a bomb explosion or something.

JEN: We could have made cool mugs and stuff using that image.

DIANA: Melted Wonk Eye Mugs!

JEN: Almost as good as the Love. Angel. Music. Slavery. Mugs?

JEN: Almost.

DIANA: Those are hard to beat.

JEN: Totally. They’re so great.

DIANA: So great.

JEN: I loved that Grim Reaper picture.

DIANA: Oh dude, that’s so funny. I thought that was Mark Antony.

JEN: Have I mentioned lately how annoying this whole Zeitgeist concept is?

DIANA: It goes without saying. Oh, you’re stepping on your jumpsuit leg.

JEN: Thanks. I’m shocked at how well my skin goes with orange. I never would have thought…

DIANA: I know! Who knew?

JEN: Sigh. Now that it’s over, I realize how emotionally scarred I am from those graphic pictures.

DIANA: The Aryan children saluting?

JEN: No dude. Billy Corgan in a hoodie. His crazy face gives me nightmares. BLEGGHHH.

DIANA: More coffee, Jen. Helps the medicine go down.

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