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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Rush “Ching Chong” Limbaugh

January 20th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: modern-day racists are lazy.  They’re lazy in their spelling.  They’re lazy in naming their children.  And lest you think they’re only lazy when it comes to things that are difficult or require a certain amount of thinking, they’re even lazy when it comes to their pastimes, to activities that only serve to please, like building snowmen, for instance.

Take, for example, Rush Limbaugh whinging yesterday about how FOX News wasn’t translating a speech given by Hu Jintao, which resulted in Rush’s dumb ass only being able to make out a bunch of unintelligible ching chong:

I mean, he’s not even giving racism the old college try!  This racism is so bald, not even the anti-political correctness crowd could give it a pass.  This racism is even beneath young children.  This kind of racism is just lazy.

But you know one thing that’s great about lazy racists? Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Rush “Ching Chong” Limbaugh

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Kenneth Tong And The Size Zero In The Room

January 14th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by jasmine

Dear Mr. Kenneth Tong:

Earlier this week, I started reading stories about you and this idea of “managed anorexia,” a Twitter campaign you launched then claimed was a hoax, but only, it seems, after a journalist mentioned the possibility of legal action against you because of it.

I sent a few links about this story to Jen and Diana, the editors of this blog. As their intern, it’s part of my job to look for stories they may want to write about on the site.

I figured you were a shoo-in for “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK,” a weekly dishonor given to someone or something that has done something so foul and terrible that we may all be worse off because of it. Something so bad it’s almost worth not writing about but for the fact that we have to warn others about the bullshit you’ve perpetrated.

Also, I figured that having DOTW on your resume would be a natural fit for someone whose only previous claim to fame was as a contestant on “Big Brother UK”.

They asked if I could write a response to you and to your story. They asked me to do this because I first alerted them to it, and because I seemed pretty well invested in taking you down.

I also wonder if they asked me to do this because I’m fat.

So, Mr. Kenneth Tong, I want to thank you.

Thank you for causing even a fraction of a millisecond of a doubt in my mind about the reason behind Jen and Diana asking me to write this story.

Thank you for taking it upon yourself to use Twitter to bully and harass the women who were unfortunate enough to read your posts.

Thank you for showing the world the truth of the hate that you have for fat people, for women, for people with eating disorders, for the people who love them, and for pretty much every decent person on earth.

Thank you for using anorexia, an eating disorder, and exploiting it for the sake of an experiment “to go from nowhere to be a globally recognized figure within a week harnessing the power of the internet and specifically Twitter.” I’m sure that people suffering from anorexia and other eating disorders were happy they could lend a hand in the effort to promote you.

Thank you for using the interviews you’ve given to the press since you began this awful game (because it’s just a game to you, isn’t it?) to promote yourself instead of clearing up any assertions you made about anorexia, or to offer real apologizes to anyone you may have offended or harmed.

Thank you for re-tweeting every single negative message you received on Twitter in response to “managed anorexia”, because it shows you really only care about yourself.

Thank you for showing me that when I thought I’d heard every insult and every bad word you could hurl at a fat person, you came up with even more.

Thank you for making me think about you, and how much I hate what you have to say, when really I would have been much better off focusing on more important things like who I think is going to win big at The Golden Globes on Sunday, or cleaning my bathroom.

Thank you for making me fearful of posting a picture of myself on-line, of writing this post, of showing people who I am, because now all I can think of is being judged or, even worse, being ignored, because I am fat.

Yours,

Jasmine (aka, Fatso, Fatty Fat Fat, Fat Bitch, and so on and so forth)

[Evening Standard: A size zero pill, reality TV celebrity Kenneth Tong and a perfect storm on Twitter]
[Kenneth Tong on Twitter]

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DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins

April 12th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Oh man. Who knew golf was filled with so much drrrrrrrrama? No, I’m not talking about Phil Mickelson winning the Masters and hugging his wife, who’s been battling breast cancer, after. That was sweet and a welcome break from you know who.

So, yes, I guess I am talking about you know who, but only a little, because I am so seriously bored by Tiger Woods at this point, and I’m kinda mad about it, you know? Because who knew that having sex with porn stars and maybe getting a golf club to the face from your wife was so effing dull? I mean, is nothing SACRED???

Anyway. The point is, Tiger returns to golf. And he looks pretty good on the first day (ultimately, he comes in fourth). But then he has to open his mouth after and compare his comeback to Ben Hogan’s in 1949.

“It’s very similar to what Hogan went through coming off the accident,” Woods said. “He couldn’t play that much, and when you can’t play, you have to concentrate on your practice.”

Ben Hogan was in a car accident, see, back in 1949, just like Tiger. Only he threw himself in front of his wife inside their car to save her when a Greyhound bus plowed into them. And he only, like, broke his collarbone, pelvis, ankle and ribs. So, yes, it is VERY SIMILAR, Tiger. That is to say, Fire your handlers immediately, you dumbass.

80 year-old golf writer, Dan Jenkins, who knew Hogan, was quick to point out that Continue reading DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins

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David Carradine Killed by Secret Martial Arts Society?

June 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Okay, so the story surrounding David Carradine’s death just got weirder. Last Friday, attorney Mark Geragos, who was hired by the Carradine family, implied on Larry King Live that Carradine may have been killed because he was “investigating…secret (martial arts) societies.”


And who knows? Maybe Carradine getting killed by a secret kung-fu sect is true. Maybe it’s another case of Geragos saying shocking things about one of his clients, like when he called Michael Jackson “a wonderful father.” Maybe this theory sounds strangely like the plot summary of The Last Sect (2006), a Carradine flick that wasn’t actually martial arts-related:

The picture unfolds at a point when the last vampire sect of the title sits perched on the rim of utter extinction, with no fresh blood in sight. An apocalyptic battle between the clan’s sexy leader, Anna (Odell), and Van Helsing (Carradine), an ace vampire hunter, has rolled on for centuries. Now, when threatened with the possibility of wasting away, Anna and her cronies begin to come out of hiding by setting up a vampiric dating website that will lure in unassuming young men and women. The site immediately attracts a rabid following; suspicious and somewhat skeptical news reporter Sydney (Madison-Brown) launches her own investigation, unaware that she is being set up as a target for the bloodsuckers. Mesmerized by Anna’s hypnotic power, Sydney loses all traces of her own free will and becomes something of a puppet for the vamp. Carradine races in to save her and slay Anna — but time is running out.

Or maybe this is a case of oversharing on Geragos’s part that totally undermines an otherwise legitimate claim that there may have been foul play involved in Carradine’s death.

Just a “theory.”

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Joe the Blogger

November 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hello, dear DISGRASIAN readers! To paraphrase Rod Stewart, have we told you lately that we love you? Have we told you lately there’s no one else above you? We do really really appreciate that you guys take the time to check in with us, especially with so many other neat-o things on the interwebz vying for your attention. Like, for example, Joe the Plumber’s newly-launched website.


On the site, Joe has a blog, where he promises to “share the latest on the fight for preserving Americas freedoms.” At the moment, Joe’s blog is empty, which could only mean that Joe is already out there freedom-fighting. For you. And if you want to keep track of all of Joe’s comings and goings and fightings and preservings, you can. For the low, low annual cost of $19.95, you’ll get a subscription to the monthly “Joe the Blog” newsletter, total access to “Joe the Forum,” where you can chat with Joe directly, as well as free shipping on all “Joe the Plumber” merchandise. For a limited time only, you can get these same benefits–aka, the “Freedom Membership”–plus a copy of Joe’s forthcoming book for only $14.95. And, if you order today, Joe will throw in a full set of plumbing tools in a handsome tool box for no extra fee! All major credit cards accepted! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Okay, so the plumbing tools part is not exactly true, kinda like, oh, so many things that have come out of Joe the Plumber’s handsome crack mouth. But, whatever, the election’s over, and it’s time to be non-partisan, and who knows? Maybe Joe the Plumber really will have some pearls of wisdom to dispense to the American people.

Of course, you could always just sign up for the DISGRASIAN RSS feed instead. For the low, low annual cost of…FREE. Because we, unlike Joe the Attention Whore, actually believe in spreading the wealth around.

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Victoria Jackson: Obama’s Like "The Guy in China"

November 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Victoria Jackson always struck me as a one-trick pony, but boy did I like her one trick. When she was on SNL, she always played bimbos, airheads, and dumb blondes so convincingly and completely, that I was sure she was actually a genius, someone who read books and talked politics and understood other cultures and had rare insight into the human condition, like most funny people do. And after seeing this video of her Friday appearance on The O’Reilly Factor

…I think I was basically right about her, minus, um, the “genius” part. “The guy in China“? WHICH GUY, Victoria?! You have 1.3 billion to choose from. Lemme guess…we all look alike to you?! Jesus, lady. You are as dumb as you look.

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Hardass Candy

November 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


When Diana and I first saw a screen grab of the Michigan woman who refused to give out Halloween candy to the children of Obama supporters, we were, like, Aww sheeeit. Why did that crazazy, stingy witch have to be Asian?! It wasn’t just her features, but her steez–the jet black hair dye from a box, the frosted eye shadow extending from lid to brow, that hot pink Sexless Secretary blazer, the thin-lipped frown–that gave us scary PTSD flashbacks of our mothers in their darkest hours, sartorial and emotional.

After we watched the interview, however, we both breathed a huge sigh of relief. We’re pretty sure that the woman in the video, Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe, MI, isn’t Asian. It wasn’t just her features in action. It was our realization that, despite how our mothers thought neighborhood kids other than their own (and us, too, on occasion) were lazy, rude, loud, stupid, out-of-control, inferior, stuck-up, fat, and undisciplined, our moms were NEVER EVER this much of a cunty buzzkill on Halloween. A children‘s holiday. Where the only purpose of the holiday (other than getting unimaginative women to dress like sluts one day a year) is to give out candy. To, I repeat, children. On a day when these children are actually entitled to be lazy, rude, loud, stupid, out-of-control, inferior, stuck-up, fat, undisciplined, or anything else they damn well want to be. I mean, even our Hardass Asian Mothers knew that (why else would mine have let me go as a French maid in 6th grade?).

Nagel, meanwhile, strikes me as the 2.0 version of the asshole who puts razor blades in candied apples, which I always thought was an urban myth. Sadly, this particular asshole is all too real. And she’s voting for McCain.

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Yes on H8

October 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Close to a thousand people from several dozen Bay Area churches gathered in a Silicon Valley park Sunday to support Proposition 8, the gay marriage ban, in what the Mercury News described as a “largely Asian crowd.” The group turned the rally into a full-blown rager, letting their Jesus Freak flag fly by singing Christian songs, reciting Biblical passages, and blathering on about the sanctity of marriage.

One spokesman for the “Yes on 8″ campaign in attendance disputed the recent poll finding that the majority of Californiasians reject the ban, saying the results were based on old data. Other people there said that marriage between a man and woman was the “foundation of traditional Asian societies.” (And here we thought it was perfect grades, pale skin, a mastery of a musical instrument, and fuel-efficient, economy-size sedans. Huh.)

Then there was one Yuki Ku, who told a reporter:

“God created marriage, and we’re his creations. We don’t have the privilege or right to say anything,” she said. “He’s the author of the universe.”

A sentiment we couldn’t have expressed better ourselves. But here’s our awkward paraphrase: SO SHUT YOUR CRAZY PIEHOLE, BITCH.

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My Own Private Katrina

September 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Okay. So Ned Lamont ran against Joe Leiberman in 2006, defeating him in the Democratic primary (causing Leiberman supporters to invent their own party and thus giving rise to the Connecticut Senator’s “independent” shenanigans), which was totally cool because Leiberman is a no-good, pro-war, conservative douchebag. But what might be douchier than Leiberman-in-political-drag is 20-year Greenwich, CT resident Lamont hearkening back to one of the deadliest natural disasters in the history of mankind–namely, the 2004 tsunami–by comparing the current financial crisis to that storm, AND, on top of that, calling the crisis his hometown’s very own “Katrina”:

It’s a Wall Street town. Everyone is shaky,” Lamont said at midweek. “It really is a financial tsunami, and it could go either way. It took Japan 20 years to recover from their buying binge [in the 1980s]. How long does it take us to work through the excessive leverage? That could take us years, not months. This is our Katrina.

I know shit’s bad on Wall Street and its attendant bedroom communities like Greenwich, and maybe just maybe I can see some parallels between this Fairfield County townpopulation 62,751, median income $157,232, median home price $1,449,500, home to over 100 hedge funds–and Katrina-ville, USApopulation killed 1,836, population displaced in New Orleans alone 180,000, median income $27,355, property damage $90,000,000,000, home to over 200 homicides last year (just in New Orleans).

But tell me something, Ned Lamont–personal fortune estimated between $90 and $300 million–does Greenwich, CT have jazz? Vampires? Shrimp po’boys? Black people? A frequently-sucky NFL football team with awesome team colors?!

I didn’t think so. Greenwich’s “Katrina,” my ass. What a douche.

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Blacktalk

June 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The following has been translated courtesy of the Ebonics Translator:


In an interview dis here week, da presidential wannabe Ralph “Pimpin’” Nader stirred up static and shit by claiming Obama talks “whitey.” Nader told da Rocky Mountain News:

“He wants ta appeal ta whitey guilt. You appeal ta whitey guilt not by coming on as black iz fine, black iz powerful…”

Which led us ta wonder, what’s da difference between jivin’ whitey an’ jivin’ black?

We’s searched an’ searched da internet fo’ clues an’ finally found da ebonix translator, which wuz very helpful. It takes cracker english an’ “ebonifies” it an’ ya really see da difference. So we’s jet back an’ looked at Obama’s response ta Nader an’ realized he really do jive whitey, what the fuck sup now? If it’s dis here easy why don’ Obama jive black? He’s black right? Ya’ dig?

So we’s decided ta translate what da Democratic nominee said ta Nader in black jive so dat he could be mo’ true ta himself:

“Ralph Nader hadn’t been paying attention ta muh ma fuckin speeches, cuz all da issues dat he talked about–whether it be predatory lending, da housing foreclosure crisis…I’ve devoted multiple speeches…an don’t make me pull mah gat!

Ralph Nader iz trying ta git attention…He’s someone…whose campaign hasn’t gotten any traction. So what bettah way ta git some traction than ta make an inflammatory statement like da one dat he made? It iz what it iz. Don’t make me come ovah there bitch…”

Dere ya gots it, ye damn hood ratz. Now dat dere iz Obama jivin’ black, fo’ real. It’s dat simple, aight???

Peace!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: When Shit-for-Brainses Collide

June 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Since Don Imus thinks that Pacman Jones–with his six arrests since entering the NFL in 2005, some for assault–is actually “a lovely kid,” as opposed to the squeaky-clean Rutgers women’s basketball team, whom Imus described a year ago as “nappy-headed hos,” perhaps these two shit-for-brainses are more alike than they think


…and they should just fuck and get this weird courtship over with!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Make New Friends But Keep the Old, One is Silver and the Other Is Gold

June 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Kimora + Cartier = BFFs


I never really understood the lyrics to a song we used to sing in rounds around the campfire in Girl Scouts:

Make new friends, but keep the old/One is silver, and the other is gold

At the time, I didn’t grasp that “silver” and “gold” were metaphors; I thought, instead, that they were the actual “friends” you were supposed to make and keep. Which, to my young, acquisitive, little girl-mind, sounded suh-weet, since jewelry was sparkly and pretty and what grown-up ladies wore.

I guess I’m not the only one who’s suffered that delusion, as our Fauxbulous “friend” Kimora Lee told People magazine Wednesday that she and Djimon were in attendance at the 3rd Annual Cartier Loveday charity event in L.A. because, “(W)e’re really good friends and supporters of Cartier…”

Kimora also said that she and her BF were “kind of” engaged, making her 2-for-2 in the category of Understanding Relationships and Their Infinite Complexities.

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