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Happy birthday to His Awesomeness, Slash, an esteemed honorasian who turns 45 tomorrow. Like many mythical creatures, Slash is practically ageless, timeless, and as mysteriously cool as when he first started rocking faces off at Madame Wong’s in ’84.
He will always be an inspirasian to us! We hope those hot fingers get a rest from axe-rocking, just for one day, so that Slash can celebrate the big 4-5 properly–with both fists wrapped around vodka bottles.
Filed under: Agelessness, Awesomeness, Birthdays, Guitar Gods, Guns N' Roses, Honorasians, Inspirasian, Madame Wong's, Middle Age, Mythical Creatures, People Whose Faces Can't Be Seen And Therefore Reveal Nothing, Saul Hudson, Slash, Velvet Revolver
Ladies and gentlemen, a lesson in, um, Physics.
Nicole Scherzinger just laid down a track on Slash’s new album, Slash and Friends.
And we just deleted him from our Facebook friends.
It’s called friendship balance, people! Balance. Hey, we’re just trying to keep the world intact. We can’t argue with science, for crying out loud.
Bai Ling stopped by The Howard Stern Show Wednesday, where she claimed to be drug and alcohol-free. “I’m naturally high,” she said, “if I want alcohol drug I can use myself.” She also went dressed as Stern, although the end result was more Slash circa Appetite for Destruction:
Even though it was three weeks before Halloween and a bit early for costumes, we’re just happy her nipples were tucked away and nowhere to be seen for a change. Well done, Bai!
Just another day at the office: Jen, Diana, a cute dog, Xbox 360, scotch, Guitar Hero, an unlit cigarette, and lots of insightful conversasian.
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Filed under: Axl Rose, Confusing Conversasians, Geeks, Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero III, Nerding Out, Rock Band, Rocking Out, Sex and The City, Slash, Star Power, Terry Bradshaw, VLOG, World Tour, Xbox Live
We’ve never really wronged you, dude. We listened to, and didn’t shit all over, your most-expensive-album-of-all-time Chinese Democracy, which in the words of our friend Colin, “came and went like a whisper” (and truth be told, we don’t think was worth the $$$). We have spent countless hours discussing your meteoric rise in the 1980s: that magnificent freshman opus–our longtime lover, Appetite for Destruction–you helped unleash upon the world, Mike Clink’s capture of lightning in a fucking bottle, the album that forever changed the lives of everyone we know that owned a Walkman in 1987.
We tend to gloss over the fact that you’re an angry, violent man, whose porcelain skin (so luminescent and alluring in your youth) just looks so pasty and creepy on an aging rager in his forties. We forgive the fact that you can’t look like that (see your yummy former self, right) forever. We’re psyched for you that you’re no longer dressing like an umpire, teaching Stephanie Seymour lessons with your fists, or dragging hundreds of people into the studio for two decades while you try to revitalize your rockstar dick.
In short, we haven’t started any beef witchu.
So why are you getting all up in our business? Why do I feel your crazy braids all tangled up in DISGRASIAN’S grill? And by that I mean, why are you attacking the presence of GNR songs–that have brought us so much joy and thrills of achievement–in our favorite game of life, Guitar Hero? DO YOU REALIZE that as we slay Slash’s solos on “Welcome to the Jungle,” we feel our blood racing as if we’re 20-year old boys laying out our musical guts in front of an arena full of followers? DO YOU REALIZE that when we split up the parts on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” we feel like we are actually playing in the real, magnificent, ’87-era GNR with our best friend at our side? DO YOU REALIZE that these experiences may be the happiest ones we have ever felt or will feel?
Stop being a pathetic asshole and leave a little dignity in your sad, tired band’s legacy. And don’t start fronting with us, or we will begin going to fucking town on you.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
At long last, the first song from the long-awaited (although we’re not sure how much-anticipated) new Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy is here. Idolator tipped us off to this streaming download:
…and we, like many others, have given it a few listens. Here’s our take, the track has legitimately Slash-y axework, it features Axl-squeal-voice and tough-guy-Axl-voice, and–AND submits the words “nation” and “masturbation” in one lyrical breath. Wow. We mean… WOW.
Okay, so it’s clear that these sexy bitches are no longer the men we’re rocking to…
Jen and I have been trying to figure out how to monetize our amazing Guitar Hero prowess for years. Our GH band, appropriately named DISGRASIAN, slays Slayer (with five stars) without blinking. We own like, thousands of rad custom guitars. We get sponsored after every gig. Virtual Tom Morello bows down to us, Virtual Slash totally fears us, and through the live-competition-through-the-Interwebs magic of Xbox 360, we can make a 12-year old cry before he even starts his math homework, simply by plowing through a near-perfect rendition of ZZ Top’s “La Grange!” We rock! Our band frickin’ rocks!
We want to take this act on the road. We have so many frickin’ stage outfits we can’t stand it.
How many times we have said this aloud we cannot count. Here’s the dream: We pack up our laptops, quit our sorta day jobs, get flying casette tape logos tatooed onto our forearms, and hit the road. We see this as a totally plausible goal, and tell everyone we know that it is so, as often as we can.
And each time, some dipshit asshole responds with the following:
“You can’t just quit your jobs and go on tour with your Guitar Hero rock band. That’s not realistic.”
…which just ruins our day. Incidentally, we’ve been inclined to believe these grouchy naysayers every time they do their naysayin’, so we ultimately put down our guitars, throw back an extra swig of brown liquor, dust off our Macs, and start trolling the Web to see if Tila Tequila has taken credit for another piece of legislation or Sharon Stone has asked her plastic surgeon to seal her lips shut yet.
So you can only imagine how we felt when read a report today about Blake Peebles (see photo above), a Guitar Hero “whiz” who convinced his parents to let him drop out of school at age 16 to pursue his virtual rock dreams. Among his career wins so far are gift certificates, chicken sandwiches, and gaming equipment.
What kind of parents would allow their kid to blow off high school in search of such lofty goals, you may ask?
Says The News & Observer:
[Peebles's parents] Mike and Hunter do not believe in one-size-fits-all parenting.
That is not to say that it was an easy decision for them to let Blake leave school last September. They would have preferred that he stay in high school with his brother. But he bugged them until they let him quit.
“We couldn’t take the complaining anymore,” says Hunter. “He always told me that he thought school was a waste of time.”
We never thought we’d see the day, but it’s time for us to be dipshit assholes.
A message to Mike and Hunter Peebles:
“YOU CAN’T JUST LET YOUR CHILD QUIT SCHOOL AND GO ON TOUR WITH HIS GUITAR HERO BAND. IT’S AN ENTIRELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS NOTION. WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU HIPPIES? ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU JUST TERRIBLE PARENTS?
LET US GIVE YOU A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE: BLAKE HASN’T BEEN OFFERED THE LEADING ROLE ON ZOEY 101, HE’S WON A COUPLE OF CHICKEN SANDWICHES AND PLASTIC CLUTTER! GET A GRIP! TAKE SOME CONTROL OVER YOUR BOY! DON’T JUST PISS AWAY WHAT’S LEFT OF HIS LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM. OF COURSE YOU’RE TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM! HE’S CLEARLY A MUTANT! WHY ARE YOU PAYING FOR TUTORS FOR THIS GUY? SPEND THAT MONEY TO GET YOUR CHILD SOME THERAPY. BUY HIM SOME COOL CLOTHES SO THAT HE CAN MAKE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL–REAL FRIENDS, NOT VIRTUAL TOM MORELLO.
ANYWAY… THE POINT IS, OUR BAND, DISGRASIAN, IS TOTALLY BETTER THAN YOUR PATHETIC KID’S DUMB BAND. TELL HIM TO MEET US ON XBOX LIVE TONIGHT AT 8PM. WE’LL WRECK THAT LITTLE FUCKER.”