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Endorsementasian

January 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

As some of you may have heard already, Kimora Lee Simmons endorsed Hillary Clinton for President last week, most likely to avoid paying an expensive NYC parking ticket.


KIMORA: Hill! You are now officially…fabulooooouuuuusssss!

HILLARY: Thank you, Kimora, that’s very kind.

KIMORA: How fabu-tastic is it that I endorsed you? Sistas are doing it for themse-e-elves.

HILLARY: I think it’s…it’s just…great.

KIMORA: Well, you don’t sound very fabulotized. I thought you would be happy, Hill, because, um, you know…

HILLARY: Because I’m desperate to get the black vote?

KIMORA: Uh-huh. And I’m reprzentin’ for Asians, too, and for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf.

HILLARY: Whaa?

KIMORA: I don’t really control what comes out of my mouth.

HILLARY: I thank you, Kimora, for giving me your endorsement. I’m sure, uh, it will really really really make a difference. Somewhere. Sometime. In some universe.

KIMORA: Hillary, you are totally speaking my language. The language of fabu-lishiousness. The language of fabu-changement. The mother tongue of fabu-dorsements, the lingua franca of fabulamma lamma ka dinga da dinga…

HILLARY: Okay. I’ve had enough. Where the fuck is my Secret Service?

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HONORASIAN: Katherine Heigl

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’m not sure how I feel about Katherine Heigl. Grey’s is unwatchable, and her character is too blonde and weepy, anyway, for my taste. She was surprisingly good in Knocked Up and held her own among people much funnier than she–namely Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Paul Rudd. Then again, I hated what she wore to the Emmys.

That Zac Poseur dress looked as stiff as meringue, and the flaps on the sleeves called to mind three unpleasant things: origami, nuns, and maxipads with wings. It also had a bridezilla quality to it, as though the Emmys award show was her wedding and she was, like, “It’s MY day!” (which, in fact, it was, because she won).

But then I found out that Heigl has an Asian big sista, Meg, who was adopted from Korea. Meg recently got married, and Heigl was her maid of honor.

Cute, right? And then I was, like, I love Katherine Heigl! Katherine Heigl is adorable! She wasn’t good in Knocked Up, she was great! She’s the next Lucille Ball! I bet she’s interesting and smart, too!

I know, I know. I’m shamelessly ricist that way.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK!

July 6th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Normally, Diana and I are above disgracing children. Child prodigies, in particular, because, first of all, we love a prodigy and wish we had been one ourselves, and second, it’s clear that they already have enough pressure in their lives, especially if you throw in a Hardass Asian Parent or two. But Michelle Wie is three months shy of 18, so we’ve decided to try her ass as an adult.

Kidding! We’re not totally heartless. But, in light of recent events, we feel that what Michelle really needs is some big sisterly tough-love.


Dear Michelle,

You’re talented, smart, and gorgeous. If we were the same age, or in the same town, or chugging beers at the same Stanford keg party, I would hate you. Daggers would be shooting from my slanty eyes in your lofty direction. Thank goodness I’m four years older than you. Okay, maybe a little older. Alright, a lot–but I digress.

Last weekend, when you pulled out of the U.S. Women’s Open after sucking all over the green, citing a wrist injury, the media was not so kind. Here’s a glimpse of some of the headlines I read after your withdrawal:

“Wie and Adu: Has-beens before their prime?”
“Wie’s woes: the year from hell”
“Do they learn nothing from sad decline of Wie?”
“What Is Michelle Wie Doing Out There?”

Ouchers. Why is everyone so pissed at you, you wonder? Allow me to introduce a timeline.

2002-2004 – You become the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA event, the youngest player to make the cut at an LPGA event, and the youngest player to play in a PGA event with the big boys. Ah, first love.

2005 – Is a banner year. You turn pro, place second at the LPGA Championship, and Nike throws millions at you. Life is, like, so rad!

2006 – In July, you play with the boys in the PGA John Deere Classic, but withdraw after the 9th hole, citing heat exhaustion. But was it the heat that got to you, or the fact that you weren’t going to make the cut? Either you were really dehydrated or a really huge drama queen, but you’re taken off the course on a stretcher.

By the end of 2006, according to Wikipedia, you’ve “missed the cut in 11 out of 12 tries against men, and remained winless in all 33 professional women’s tournaments” that you entered.

But who cares about all that golf nonsense when Forbes ranks you 74th out of 100 Top Celebutards, and your earnings reach $17 mil, one milsky for each year of your young life?

2007 – You take four months off because of wrist injuries. Is this from too much texting, perhaps? Or too much time counting your millions? You return from rehabbing to play in the LPGA’s Ginn Tribute, a tournament hosted by Annika Sorenstam. But then you suck all over the place, shooting 14 over-par through 16 holes, and withdraw, saying you “tweaked” your wrist again. You’re seen practicing, however, two days later, prompting Annika to say that your withdrawal showed “a lack of class.” You refuse to apologize.

Bring it, bitch!

Um, Bad Idea Jeans.

For the U.S. Women’s Open, the second tournament you play in since the Sorenstam debacle, a 12 year-old upstart named Alexis Thompson qualifies.

I’m cute!

While you withdraw from the tournament because of your wrists, 8 Korean golfers make it to the top 10 of the tourney. “Seoul Sister” Angela Park places second, and, in action, kind of looks like…

…well, never mind.

Sports writers declare that you are over at 17, and, worse, that they’re “rooting against” you.

Here’s where DISGRASIAN’s big sisterly advice comes in. Take the summer off and build up those wrists again. Do not go to events unrelated to golf–focusing on your looks instead of your game is a career killer (just ask Anna Kournikova).

Oh My Gaw. Just what I needed…a free watch!


Go to Stanford. Rush a sorority or something (I can’t believe I just wrote that). Drink too much Hitachino White Ale or, um, whatever the young ones are drinking these days. Instead of competing with boys, make out with a few. Girls, too. There’s nothing quite like a lesbian lip-lock to defuse a bitchfight. Practice your ass off when no one’s looking.

wishing you love, flowers, and birdies,
Jen and Diana

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Gay and Asian Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

June 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

In honor of Gay Pride Week (which is staggered across this month in different North American cities), two of our favorite Asian sistas are hosting LGBT events.

Sandra Oh will be hosting the season finale of Canadian CBC Radio One’s “The Gayest Music of All Time,” featuring music from (who else?) Cher, Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, and Judy Garland, among others.

The Gayest Music of All Time airs June 23rd. Click here for more details.

And our friend Madge Cho kicked off the True Colors tour last week as emcee of the music fete. Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper, and Erasure are just some of the performers not to be missed!

Click here for dates and ticket information.

YOU BETTA WORK. WORK IT GIRL. WORK. SASHAY, SHANTE.

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