You are currently browsing posts tagged with Sibling Rivalry

"All I Did Was Eat Your Dumplings"

June 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Lessons learned from the following video:

a) Do not eat your older sister’s motherfuckin’ dumplings.

b) If you fail to follow through with a), capture your sister’s hissy fit on camera and then upload it to YouTube so that she winds up looking “like the bitch” to Mom and everybody else on the planet.


c) Drugs are bad.

[via BuzzFeed]

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Tit Inflasian

October 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

My oldest sister is a freak. She was born with a totally rad, gigantor rack–like, real puppies, real “girls,” or whatever people with real boobs call their boobs–that I never understood. The three remaining sisters in the family, however… we practically headed up the west coast chapter of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. We were small-chested Asians, and we owned it. Owned it, dammit.

But every once in awhile (like the day I spent on set with Rosario Dawson’s perfect, natural, giant chest all day, and thought: I should probably buy me summa those) I wonder if I’d have a far more enjoyable, gilded life as a big-boobie’d lady. What if? What if?

And other days, like today, I look at all of the big, fat, scary, glandy fat bags suffocating some of Hollywood’s finest…

…and I’m pretty glad I don’t have those fuckin’ things attacking my chin all day. Jeesh!


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Maddox and Pax: Imitasian Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

August 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

MADDOX: Goddammit, Dad, Pax copied me AGAIN. I get streaks in my hair, he gets streaks in his hair. Are you gonna let him get a mohawk, too?! Just cuz we’re both Asian doesn’t mean we have to look alike. Christ, I wish that little squirt would get his own steez.

PAX: Daddy, what is “steez”?

BRAD: It’s like this hat I’m wearing. Hats are a kind of steez. Before I started aggressively wearing hats in public, I was only known as, you know, the Sexiest Man Alive. But then, I got a steez, and I became, like, a satirist.

MADDOX: Sartorialist. You mean “sartorialist.”

BRAD: Man, you’re smart. How did a kid like you come from a guy like me?

MADDOX: Um, how do I put this? I didn’t.

BRAD: Oh. Right.

PAX: Daddy, this backpack I’m wearing is ugly. I want to get a one-shouldered bag like Mad. Please, please, pretty please?

MADDOX: Aw hell no.

BRAD: Come on, guys. Don’t fight. Not in front of the paps, anyway. We’re going to see some architecture in Venice today, remember? And you love architecture.

PAX: What’s “architecture”?

MADDOX: Oh please. We do not love architecture. What’s so great about looking at old, crumbly buildings? I want to shoot off some guns. Is there a gun range in Venice?

PAX: What’s a “gun”?

MADDOX: Jesus. I’m surrounded by idiots.

BRAD: True, but we’re gorgeous idiots. Would you be happier growing up in a family of ugly, unfamous geniuses?

MADDOX: Hmmm. Okay, good point. Not bad for an idiot.

BRAD: Yesss! So maybe you are a chip off the old block, huh?

MADDOX: Don’t push it.


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These Boos Were Made For Walking

July 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Jessica Simpson on the phone with her baby sis Ashlee, Saturday night, after she is booed during her debut country music performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival.

JESSICA: (sniffling) Oh my gaw, Ashlee, I had the worst night of my life tonight!

ASHLEE: Hold on one sec, Pete just dropped a bottle of hair product in the toilet. One sec.

(Long conversation pause; Sounds of muffled bathroom chaos)

ASHLEE: ‘Kay. Back now. That was kind of a crisis. Petey can’t survive a day without product, y’know? Is Tony like that?

JESSICA: Ash, I’M in a crisis!

ASHLEE: Oh right. Okay, what happened? Is Tony gay?


ASHLEE: Is he cheating on with you with somebody smart and talented?

JESSICA: Um, no.

ASHLEE: Oh. Did Coach Phillips finally issue that restraining order against you, so that you won’t come to games?

JESSICA: Ashlee, no! I sang tonight. I did my Country Thunder debut. Remember?

ASHLEE: Oh, right. How’d that go?

JESSICA: Ash, it was BAD! I did everything Daddy said to do. I did that whole, like, cute Daisy Duke look with the shorts and the…

ASHLEE: Again?

JESSICA: WhatEVER, Ashlee! Daddy said, “If they can’t see your ass, you won’t see their cash.” Remember? So I did that, and like, totally wore cowboy boots. And Daddy was all, “Whenever you want to cough or breathe, say either ‘Texas’ or ‘Tony.’” So I was like, “I’m Tony Romo’s girlfriend from Texas! Remember me from all of the pictures? I’m from Texas! Tony loves my Texas girl tits!” Stuff like that.

ASHLEE: I’m sure that went over well.

JESSICA: But that’s the thing, it DIDN’T. They were booin’ at me Ashlee. People were telling all the reporters I was some kinda embarassment and that I shouldn’t be there. And that going out with Tony doesn’t make me country! What are they talking about? What’s more country than the Dallas Cowboys? Augh! They booed! I can’t believe it!

(sounds of muffled laughter)

JESSICA: ASH! Are you laughing?

ASHLEE: (muffling her laughter) No.

JESSICA: Oh. Okay, good.

ASHLEE: I, uh, that’s a bummer, Jess.

JESSICA: Daddy is always right! Why didn’t he tell me they were going to boo?

ASHLEE: Maybe he was busy making sure your bra fit right.

JESSICA: Ashlee!!

ASHLEE: Sorry, sorry. Well that really sucks, dude.

JESSICA: I’m so humiliated! I’m so ashamed! I can never show my face again.

ASHLEE: Oh, good.


ASHLEE: I don’t have time to help. One day, maybe you’ll be married again, and you’ll see how much time it takes.

JESSICA: (sobs)

ASHLEE: Listen, Jess. I know how you feel. Remember when I performed at the Rose Bowl, and they booed at me? And everyone was talking about it, and I was so ashamed that all I wanted to do was curl up and die?

JESSICA: Oh gaw, totally. Your eyes were so puffy! You looked like shit!

ASHLEE: And remember how I kept calling you and Dad to ask for advice, and he kept telling me he was busy with your career, and you kept trying to shove some old Louis Vuitton bag in my face to make it better?

JESSICA: Um, hmm, soooorta. But wait, is that how it went?

ASHLEE: All you could talk about then was how you wanted to fuck Johnny Knoxville. Or how you already were. Or whatever.

JESSICA: I’m with Tony now! I’m just a Texas girl dating Tony Romo now! (giggles, country-like)

ASHLEE: (stunned pause)

JESSICA: Ashlee? Ashlee? Come on, I need your help.

ASHLEE: Oh, you need a lot more than my help.

Source Source Source

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Baby’s Here to Stasian

July 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Jamie-Lynn Spears and her newborn, Baby Maddie,
on the cover of ‘OK! Magazine’

JAMIE-LYNN: Smile, Lil’ Baby Maddie. We’re gon’ be right on the cover of OK! Magazine, a real life magazine! Just like Angelina Jo-lie and her lil’ babies!

BABY MADDIE: I can’t smile on demand, Mom. I can’t make my body work yet. I don’t even realize that I exist.

JAMIE-LYNN: Ma doctor said I had a cyst once, on my foot. Mama said it was a sign that I wasn’t chosed to be a celebrity. Man I hate her. No I don’t. What’d I just say?

BABY MADDIE: I can’t remember what you just said. I don’t yet have the ability to record word symbols and repeat them back.

JAMIE-LYNN: Yer dumb, arentchoo lil baby? Tha’s okay!

BABY MADDIE: I’m not DUMB. I’m a BABY. YOU’RE dumb.

JAMIE-LYNN: Shut up, you dumb baby!

BABY MADDIE: I have all the potential in the world. You’re a teenage has-been mom with cracked-out relatives.

JAMIE-LYNN: It’s not “relatives,” it’s “relations.”

BABY MADDIE: I can’t believe that you’re my relations.

JAMIE-LYNN: Respect your relations, baby!

BABY MADDIE: Why? So I can become my mom’s cash cow, like you? You’re already pimping out a picture of me before I can open my eyes! You’re just like Mama Spears!

JAMIE-LYNN: No I’m not!

BABY MADDIE: Oh yes you are.

JAMIE-LYNN: I just want her to be proud of me. I just want her to treat me like her daughter. I want her to stop comparing my achievements to ma sister’s. Why won’t she be proud of me? I fucked up and had a baby too! I FUCKED UP AND HAD A BABY TOO! (sobs uncontrollably)

BABY MADDIE: Wow. I hope I never open up my eyes. Please take the picture.


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Sibling Coattail Watch, Part 2

April 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Yesterday, Diana most astutely pointed out that Shyamali Malakar is the bigger Disgrasian, riding her brobro’s coattails all the way to the titty bank.

And now this:

“Angelina Jolie doesn’t control Brad Pitt, says Jolie’s brother”

James (Angelina’s brother) has told Grazia magazine that while (Angelina Jolie) does like to be in charge, she doesn’t control Brad: “I have never seen any sign of tension between them. They make all their decisions together. It’s rubbish that she tries to control him.”

Hey, James? Maybe you should try getting your own gig, know what I’m saying?

Better yet, there are stil plenty of these adorable munchkins to go around:


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