You are currently browsing posts tagged with Shaquille “Ching Chong” O’Neal

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Shaq’s Chinese Is Improving

July 22nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

You may recall how, in 2003, before Shaquille O’Neal and Yao Ming’s first meeting on the NBA hardwood, Shaq attempted to reach across cultural lines and communicate with the then-rookie from China, saying on a FOX Sports show: “Tell Yao Ming, ‘ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.’”

To which Yao responded, “Chinese is hard to learn. I had trouble with it when I was little.”


But that was then, and this is nao, and when Shaq took a trip to the People’s Republic this month, he showed just how far he’s come in speaking China’s native tongue and understanding its culture.

First, he got lap-danced by a panda. Then, he visited a Shaolin temple, where he Tweeted:

Ive been alotta place but being at the shaolin temple n china has brouhht a tear to my eye buddha blessed

The Shaqlin Temple

After that, he vowed to bring this mysterious, mystical martial art known as kung fu back to his motherland.

This may still sound like ching-chong to you, but there’s no denying Shaq’s conversational tone has improved. And Mandarin, as everyone knows, is all about tone. So Shaq must be one cunning linguist. (That, or he has some sneakers to shill.)

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Former BFFs Make Ka-Headlines

September 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

1. Ka-Kobe

Kobe Bryant just wrapped a five-city “Kobe Supernatural Asia Tour 2007,” or, as I like to call it, “Ka-Ching-Chong Kobe’s Superdesperate Search for People Who Don’t Despise Him Tour.” To Ka-Kobe’s credit, he did find young fans in Manila, who chanted his name and, according to MSNBC, “touted (him) as a role model for children.”

Which begs the question…Manila, what the F is wrong with you?

2. Ka-vorce

The AP reported last week that Shaquille O’Neal, fresh off his own Ka-Ching-Chong tour of China, has filed for divorce from his wife of five years, Shaunie. In his filing, Shaqa-Ching-Chong asked his soon-to-be ex for a “‘correct accounting of all money, funds, stocks, bonds, and other securities’ that she had access to or obtained during the marriage.”

Sounds like he’s worried that she might make off with half, meaning she would get the Ka-Ching, and Shaq, most ironically, would be left with only…the Chong. Ouch.

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Shaq Speaks Two Dialects

August 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Shaquille “Ching-Chong” O’Neal shall hereby be known as Shaquille “Ka-Ching-Chong” O’Neal. The aging, creaky-kneed, formerly dominant center is on a 5-day promotional tour of China sponsored by Li Ning, a Chinese sportswear company with which Shaq has a low-rent not Nike age-appropriate shoe deal. During which time he has talked up Chinese players Yao and Yi and promised the former a wedding present (24 inch rims…how very 2002). Here he is, pictured in native dress:

I believe the character he’s holding in his hand is Chinese for “douchetard.”

Ka-Ching-Chong also posed with some young Chinese basketball players, who were thrilled to meet the donezo superstar.

KIDS: LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron!!!

SHAQ: Hey children! Ni hao…uh…I forgot the rest.

KIDS: Wait. Who the fuck are you? Where’s LeBron?!? They said LeBron was coming! This is bullshit!!! We want LeBron! We want LeBron! We want LeBron!

SHAQ: (to photographers) Hehehe. Kids these days. (to kids) I’m Shaquille O’Neal, you know, the Big Aristotle, the General, Shaq Diesel…Shaq Fu?

KIDS: Never heard of you. We want LeBron.

SHAQ: Well you’re stuck with me.

KIDS: You’re fat and old. LeBron speaks Mandarin, what can you do?

SHAQ: Well, I speak your language, too. Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh!

KIDS: Dude. We are eye-level with your nuts. Do that again, and we will tear them off and grind them to dust. Understand?

SHAQ: Duly noted.

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Better Than an Abacus?

June 6th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

When you’re not too busy reading DISGRASIAN, check out weirdconverter, a site that makes unusual measurement conversions. It’s more fun than calculus!

The Great Wall of China = 2,964,335 Shaquille O’Neals = funtastic!

Also, there’s…

One Shaquille O’Neal = 22.66666666667 FLACCID PENISES.

But I guess you knew that already.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

May 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. Lost in Translasian
Ching-Chong O’Neal made his debut last night on TNT’s post-game show, Inside the NBA. Apparently, we’re not the only ones who think that everything coming out of his mouth is inscrutable.

2. Cuz Tramps Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Run
After the Houston Rockets were eliminated from the playoffs last week, Yao Ming expressed a desire to train with retired Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon in the off-season. No disrepect to the Dream, his two championship rings, and Phi Slamma Jamma, but, as a long-suffering Rockets fan, I must reiterate…Yao Ming’s off-season priorities in the twilight of dominant-center basketball? Running. With. Cheetahs.


3. Being Japanese Means Wearing a Dishtowel on Your Head
Great news for your Inner Samurai: Red Sox pitcher Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka pitched his first complete game this week, silencing critics who think the Japanese ace’s stuff may not live up to the hype.

4. Big (Cheap) Shot Bob
During Game 4 last night between the San Antonio Spurs and the Phoenix Suns, Robert “Big Shot Bob” Horry leveled Steve Nash on a fastbreak, knocking the Canadian point guard into the scorers’ table. Horry was ejected and suspended 2 games for the hit.

Oh, Bob. I’ve loved you, I’ve hated you, and I’m pretty sure we’re in a one-sided abusive relationship. (You abuse, I hurt, you have no idea.)

Your uncanny ability to do nothing through 3 1/2 quarters while looking completely baked, only to drain a three-pointer late in the 4th to win, will baffle mankind for all eternity. How is it that you have as many championship rings as MJ? How is it that you make over $3 mil a year when you play about 6 minutes a game? Do you have mad skillz or are you just the luckiest bastard on earth?

Bob Horry with Not Us

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Sweep!

April 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Miami Heat proved Sunday that they could not run with the Chicago Bulls, getting swept in the series. It was the first time in 50 years that a defending champ got eliminated in the first round of playoffs.

I’ve just got a few words to say to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Famer Shaquille O’Neal.

You old. You ugly. You done.

Oh, and CHING CHONG CHING CHONG CHING CHONG muthafucka!

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Disgrasianians 4:13

April 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

While trolling nba.com tonight for photos of the L.A. Clippers’ spectacular 4th quarter comeback against the L.A. Fakers (more on that later), I stumbled upon a little gem.

Her name is Alawan. She’s a dancer for the Miami Heat. She’s a fellow Asian-Texan. She’s also drunk the Krazy Khristian Kool-Aid:



As a survivor of Jesus Camp, five years running, I am somewhat compelled to point out Aly’s Mis”Quote to Live By” from Paul’s Epistle to the Philippians.

First of all, Aly…it’s Philippians. One L, two P’s. Got that? Okay, good.

And, no, Philippians is not an island country in Southeast Asia.

Also, I believe the correct quotation of Philippians 4:13 is:

“I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HOOKER BOOTS WHICH STRENGTHEN ME.”

Bible Study adjourned!

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