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Miley Cyrus has defended a champion title!
For the second year in a row, Miley has earned top honors–by vote–from AOL’s tween site Just So You Know as the year’s Worst Celebrity Influence.
The repeat victory surprised even us, we have to admit–considering the terrible teen moms, botox robots, baby freaks, girlfriend-beaters, Jersey jokes, media victims, blowhards, rehab failures, caps lock abusers, pathological liars, aspiring hookers and Charlie Sheens all vying for the position this year.
But hey! Who are we to argue with fair competition? Congratulations, Miley! Keep up the good work!
Filed under: And So Begins The Spiral Into Celebrity Meltdown, Celebrities Are Wack, Charlie Sheen, Dubious Achievements, JSYK, Just So You Know, Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Miley Cyrus, Second Year Win, Shameful Behavior, Teen mom, Teen Voters, Worst Celebrity Influence
This man’s limo driver apparently overcharged him by 800 grand:
…so why are we looking at his toothy mug instead of the guy at the wheel?
Well, there’s no denying that the crime allegedly committed by Chan’s driver, Peter Rahhaoui, was wrong. Stealing from anybody, no matter how wealthy, is definitely not okay. So if Rahhauoi is found guilty, it’s slammertime.
But is it possible that this driver, currently pleading not guilty to the offense, is in fact a kind of shadowy, uncelebrated hero–like a less bloodthirsty, NYC version of Dexter, and was simply doing his part as a vigilante scam artist in order to keep the world in balance?
From NY Mag:
“…back in Hong Kong, Chan’s own credibility has been called seriously into question. Chan is accused of faking the will of his mistress, late Hong Kong property magnate Nina Wang, who was reportedly worth $4.2 billion at the time of her death in 2007. She was then the richest woman in Asia. A self-proclaimed feng shui master, Chan began his relationship with Wang as a design consultant and soon became her lover — despite a two-decade age difference. He carried on his affair with her even as his own wife became pregnant and bore a son (who Chan named, wonderfully, “Wealthee”). After Wang’s death, Hong Kong authorities allege Chan forged a will naming him the sole heir to her fortune.”
Not saying Chan deserved to be swindled, or that he’s guilty of anything that hasn’t been proven. Okay, maybe if guilty of all things above, he deserved it a liiiiittle bit.
And if he’s this careless with dough and hiring, maybe Jen and I should be working for him.
Filed under: Billionaires, Cheaters, Dexter, Fake Signatures, Feng Shui, Forged Will, Hong Kong, Keeping the Balance, Limo Driver Rips Off Tony Chan For $800k, Losing Your Credibility, Nina Wang, Nina Wang May Not Have Been An Angel Either, NYC, Richest Woman In Asia, Scam Artists, Shameful Behavior, Tony Chan, Uncelebrated Heros, Vigilantes, Weird American Behavior, Weird Chinese Behavior
Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.
It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops). The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.
NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!
I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:
Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream
ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History
Filed under: Ali Lohan, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Black Card Abuse, Carvel Black Card, Carvel Black Cards Are Amazing, Carvel FTW, Carvel Ice Cream, Celebrity Mom, Dina Lohan, Dina Lohan Makes Us Hurl, Discounts, Embarrassing, Freebie, Lindsay Lohan, Low-rentitude, Pathetic, Playing The Victim, Public Humiliation, Public Shaming, Shameful Behavior, Sublebrities, The Lohan Family, The Lohans, Time To Call It
Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s jilted ex, tweeted a photo yesterday–obviously phony–of the “stubby” penis she shared with Kate Gosselin and a few other mediocre chicks. (Warning: DO NOT click the picture link if you throw up easily. Or if you’re at work.)
Let me first just say that as an admirer of fine penises, I am deeply offended by this photo.
And then I will add to that statement that CALLING YOUR FORMER RIDE “NASTY” SIMPLY SHOWS THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SETTLE AND SMOOSH YOUR MOIST ORIFICES ON A SAD, HIDEOUS DICK. Such a statement shames you far more than the owner of said penis–he didn’t have a choice.
Augh, what a wicked game Glassman is playing. It’s a contest in which nobody wins. Especially not me. I feel like I need to take a shower and watch some good porn to wash this sad image away. Or borrow my friend’s copy of Guys Gone Wild. Or my sister’s old Playgirls.
Jeez, did I ever really think that Jon Gosselin was the biggest fame whore of this bunch?
Filed under: 15 Minutes of Fame, Airing Dirty Laundry, DISGWITTER, Famewhore Twitterers, Hailey Glassman, Hideous Dicks, Horrific Images, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin's "Stubby" Penis, Kate Gosselin, Magic Weiner, Mediocre Chicks, Shameful Behavior, Shameful Sex Acts, Small Penis Jokes, Small Penises, Trash Talking, Tweets, Twitter
But look, I don’t always need to get what I want. Who cares about elminasian when Asian parents might get involved? Just knowing that Terry would ultimately have to confront his cheating demons in front of Kate–Nicole’s awesome, loving-and-cool-yet-obviously-not-without-a-Hardass-laser-beam-glare mom–was enough to make me squeal like a pig with glee this VH1 week.
Watch Terry’s moment of truth (seated in therapy: Terry’s parents on his right, and Nicole’s baby bro and mom on her left) below:
It’s kind of the worst possible thing to imagine, right? Reality camera crews and the eventual eyes of the nation might seem kind of non-judgmental when you’re knee deep in filming, I’m sure. But–whether cameras are on or off–nothing’s more shameful than saying that you can’t tame your dick in front of PARENTS. Especially parents that think you’re a JERK.
So you’d think in a moment so mortifying, Terry could have mustered a more realistic “I’m sorry,” right? Me too. But…nah.
Filed under: Awesome Mothers, Bastards, Cheating, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Parents, Moms, Reality TV, Shameful Behavior, Terry and Nicole, Therapy, Tool Academy, Tool Academy 2, Vh1, Ways to Not Look Sorry
In my most shameful of moments, I once received a boot on my car.
And, okay, it wasn’t that long ago.
Fine, FINE. I deserved it. I’d racked up about five parking tickets in one month, and each little slip quickly got lost somewhere in my junk mail, or my trunk, or my purse–every one of them crispy with dried coffee stains and dirty from, ah, me stamping them with fury into the ground. Out of sight, out of my busy muthafuckin’ mind! I kinda assumed that the parking gods would just take care of it and I wouldn’t have to pony up $160 overdue bucks a pop.
Wrongo! They didn’t. So one day, I got the boot.
Now here’s the thing. I’m troublesome, but I never get in trouble–and certainly, not with the LAW. This was the worst moment of my life. I felt like a criminal. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. Was this going on my permanent record? Would I have to pay my fines or face jail? Do they flog you when they return to remove the boot? Why was it so ORANGE? Where was my lawyer? Was I a bad person now?
And my gosh, the large orange mark of shame somehow negated all of the coolness of my slick black car paint and rad Steelers license plate frame! ACK!
Most importantly: WOULD THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BOOT TELL MY PARENTS (who I haven’t lived with since age 17)?!??!
I called the number, my heart racing. The mean old lady on the phone told me come down to some super-secret government/law/prison/clerical (it all sounds the same to me) office, where I would meet my reckoning.
Immediately, I raced to my closet, trying to imagine the outfit that would best convey my a) intense, due shame b) willingness to turn my life around c) overall good citizenship and d) inability (okay, lack of desire) to pay the fines in full. After much deliberation, I landed on a modest, sensible, not-too-luxe getup that screamed “I’m a non-profit librarian and devoted disadvantaged youth volunteer!”
I showed up at the office–which turned out to be administrative, with no armed guards flanking the entrance. I took a number, walked up to the window, gave her a bunch of money. The (different) mean lady at the window informed me that the boot would soon be taken off, and I was all set–I would not be arrested or even given a talking-to by the police. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the orange boot of shame was gone–like a whisper in the wind.
I can’t help but think that dressing the part, showing how ashamed I was for being bad, kinda stood for something. Sure, the responsible garb didn’t garner any discount from The Man that day, nor did it save me from a ritual beating (shockingly, people don’t get beaten over parking tickets–although maybe they should?), but it did tacitly express deep remorse for my wrongdoings when I walked into the building. That counts, somehow. At a certain point, we’ve got to just tuck our tail between our legs, bow our heads, and admit that we’ve done something wrong. We’re not loud and proud and wrong, we’re just wrong. That makes it, y’know, better.
Perhaps this is why, when I eyed Lindsay Lohan’s “look” for her court appearance last week (to discuss violation of her probation), I was taken aback.
Who appears before a judge looking like…
Moreover, a not sorry one?
Fortunately, for Lindsay, celebrities don’t have to be sorry. We’ll still keep “rooting for them” and extending their probation.
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Being Wrong, Beyond Shame, Grandmas, Gremlin Grip, Hardass Asian Parents, Law Breaking Doesn't Pay, Lindsay Lohan, Shameful Behavior, The Man, Ways to Not Look Sorry
I spent the weekend in the City of Fountains, Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas), marveling at the waterworks that have been tinted pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month:
Instead, Kremer wore another aggressive color: bright fucking banana yellow.
Hey, y’all know we love ourselves some yellow (!!!), but this is getting ridiculous.
Joe Wilson has already apologized to President Obama for breaking decorum and shouting “You Lie!” at Obama during his Wednesday night speech to Congress on the subject of Healthcare Reform.
“Not long after the speech ended, Wilson issued an apology. ‘This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill,’ he said. ‘While I disagree with the President’s statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility.’ Wilson also called the White House to apologize.”
He may have said the words, but it sure is hard to believe that Wilson is actually, truly, really, really sorry for the inappropriate outburst, an action that has been condemned from both sides of the aisle as shameful, disrespectful and embarassing.
So what was the tipping point leading to Wilson’s swift “sorry?” Did he refer immediately to his Blackberry and realize that #JoeWilsonIsADouche had instantly become a trending topic on Twitter? Did his wife text him: “WTF, U IDIOT!?” Did he realize that he was single-handedly about to crash his own government site with an ugly media frenzy?
Something tells us it was actually much simpler, a gut reaction to the most powerful and classic of sorrymaking machines: the cold, hard faces of two Hardass Asian Parents (as played, in this instance, by Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi).
Peep Mom and Dad the moment they hear Wilson’s outburst from the floor. Pelosi’s jaw hits the floor and her eyes become nuclear daggers. Biden drops his head and shakes it with disgust and shame, the kind of shake a dad can only achieve when he wishes you didn’t exist. EVER.
I’ve seen my parents do this A THOUSAND TIMES. It never fails.
The one thing I’ve learned–A Hardass Asian Parent can’t kill you with their eyes, but they’ll sure as hell try. And instead, they’ll just make you really fucking sorry.
It never occurred to us before that our new President–so casual and young, warm-grinned and sharp-dressed–would be the type to deliver a lecture on “shameful” behavior, “irresponsibility,” and “discipline” with the firm speech, stern gaze, and disappointed energy of our stoic, no-nonsense Asian fathers.
…or that we would kinda like it.
Last week, two dudes got into a fight after a road rage incident escalated on a Staten Island highway, and one of them, Yao Zhou, 35, a sushi chef, cut up the other guy, Jack Zaiback (pictured left), 23, with a sushi knife. Zaiback got in some blows, too, cutting Zhou above the eye with his fists, and both men have been charged with first-degree assault.
But they should have been charged with first-degree fucktardedness. Because they pulled over to rumble and, I mean, who does that? It’s one thing to mouth off to another driver–I have been known to get into it with assholes on the road and talk about how tiny their dicks are, and I’m not condoning that, either–but pulling over? Pulling a knife? Apparently, they were rolling on the ground, on the shoulder of the highway, Zhou brandishing a knife, before a patrolman broke up the fight. It’s amazing that one or both of them didn’t get killed. That shit’s just plain stupid.
Droves of Oprah’s God-fearing Christian viewers have taken to her show’s discussion board this week, in protest of statements made by her recent guest, Rev. Ed Bacon (see video above) during a spirituality episode, which included: “being gay is a gift from God, but our culture doesn’t understand that.”
Shocked and reeling from the statement, some members of her audience needed to be instantly consoled with the word of the Big Man Upstairs:
“Being gay must be a gift from God. How else can you explain that being gay instantly raises the odds of somebody being impossibly good-looking or having a smoking-hot physique? Why do gay people often happen to be infinitely more interesting (and interested) than the average Joe (the plumber, et al.)? Why do gay peeps typically design such beautiful buildings and other assorted aesthetic creations, why do gays conjure up such meaningful love songs, why does the best produce always end up at gay Gelson’s markets? Why are the streets of West Hollywood so much cleaner and well-decorated than North Hollywood? Why does gaysian = fun? All I can say is, I thank God for his gay gifts and feel so gay that he made being gay so awesome.”