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How To Be A Badass Mothershucker

October 6th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

There are certain skills in life that I believe all intelligent humans should have. Like how to drive a stick (check). Or how to surf (someday). One such skill particularly prized by yours truly is how to shuck an oyster (check). Oysters are my favorite food and they should be yours too, because they’re full of things that are good for and to you, namely, minerals, saltwater and sex.

Leave it to the cool kids behind NY/LA boutique Opening Ceremony–they’re Asian, naturally–and Momofuku‘s David Chang to present an easy and artful how-to:

Now, all you need to know is how to open a bottle of champagne (check)–which under no circumstances should be relegated to “a man’s job”–and you’re on your way to a perfect evening.

[Opening Ceremony]

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September 3rd, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Diana

I spent most of today trying to remember what my official  “birds and bees” talk was like. My memory was just so fuzzy—didn’t my mom walk into my room one day during junior high, sit down on my bed, pat the seat next to her, and ask if I’d been feeling a little different lately? Something like that?

Oh wait, that was a Full House episode or something. My mom never gave me the talk. Like, NEVER. We NEVER TALKED ABOUT SEX.

I mean, when my sister ran away from the house her senior year in ’88 to stay with her awesomely white trash boyfriend’s awesomely white trash family, a long period ensued during which my aunts and mom would call each other from their respective homes in Michigan, Indiana, Missouri and California to speak in hushed tones about the filthy indiscretions. “Your sister, she lays with boys,” my aunt said to me while I was playing with my Barbies. “No man will ever marry her.” (She was wrong, by the way.)

When I was 17 and snuck my then-beau up into my second-story Southern California bedroom, my mom became suspicious at a noise and barreled down the hall, bursting through my door. He swiftly jumped to a hiding spot and I was discovered alone, laying awkwardly atop my fully made bed in a star-patterned bra and panties, looking guilty. My mom was confused and disturbed. She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re… I… I know what you do.” She left the room with no further talk about sex, even though my night probably included it.

I think the conversation, if we’d ever had one, would have been one-sided: “Don’t have sex.” Conversation over.

Hyphen Magazine recently addressed this kind of no-talk policy in an article called “Asian-American Women Who Accept Abortion as a Way Out.” Writer Lisa Wong Macabasco explores how deeply ingrained the denial of sex is in Asian cultures, and how categorical aversion to sex (or proof of it) has shaped generous Eastern attitudes towards drastic measures like abortion over generations. In short: abortion is less shameful than the truly disgraceful act that it functions to hide, sex.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Shhhhhhhh-E-X

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Group Sex Trending In China?

June 9th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

A 17 year-old female high school student in Dongguan, China has been charged with “group licentiousness” for organizing and participating in “group sex parties.” The girl, who the Chinese media’s calling by the alias, “Li Jie,” was busted after an eight minute-video of her having sex with several male students surfaced on the internet in March. She was also asked to leave her school when school officials became aware of the video.

I love the way China Daily, the state-run newspaper, is reporting on this story of quote-unquote sexually deviant behavior, focusing entirely on the girl. The English-language title of the article is “Girl put on trial for group sex parties,” but it might as well read, “Slutty Slut McSlutterson put on trial for being a Slutty Slut Mcslutterson.” I mean, what about the dudes she had sex with? Why aren’t they getting the Scarlet Letter-treatment? Because, according to another source, those men were also charged with the same thing and tried. Was “Boys put on trial for gangbang” not sensational enough of a headline? Or did the government only want to scare all those would-be teenage girl sluts straight?

China seems to be having a run on group sex lately. You may recall from a few weeks back that Ma Yaohai, 53, a computer science professor, was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison for organizing and participating in at least 18 orgies, mostly involving married swingers. On the surface, the conviction of Ma, a middle-aged man, and the trial of Li, a teenage girl, may have little in common, but what they both tell me is that group sex, orgies, gangbangs–whatever you want to call them–are happening, and they’re gonna keep happening, no matter who the Chinese authorities or papers are casting in the role of the perv.

[China Daily: Slutty Slut McSlutterson put on trial for being a Slutty Slut Mcslutterson]

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How Do Yu Sex Up Lindsay Lohan?

December 11th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

LA photographer Yu Tsai has a large slate of beautiful work, being a master of female sensuality, fantastic color variance, and irregularities turned into beauty.


Continue reading How Do Yu Sex Up Lindsay Lohan?

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Threesomes And Pageants Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

November 20th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

By now, you’ve likely heard about the just-leaked threesome sex tape (WARNING: previous link extremely, extremely NSFW) featuring Miss Trinidad & Tobago (Anya Ayoung-Chee), her boyfriend Wyatt Gallery, and a close friend that is NOT, as previously alleged, Miss Japan.

Double the fun!

Missing from this screen grab: Ponytail guy

The video was snatched when Gallery dropped off his laptop for repair at a Trinidad computer shop, and quickly made waves this week throughout the Internet pervosphere.

I won’t lie. I watched the video twice–even though I knew it was wrong, fueled by my disappointment in Carmen Electra’s newly-”leaked” sex tape, which was a bra-filled snoozefest. And I must say, that Miss Trinidad knows how to party!

Seriously, though… what did Wyatt Gallery ever do to deserve such an incredible stroke of luck (the threesome, not the leak)??? Perhaps he frequently helps little old ladies across the street. With his penis.

[TMZ: Miss Universe Contestants In Three-Way Sex Tape]


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Adam Lambert Doesn’t Like Dirty Girls

November 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Adam Lambert revealed in a controversy-riddled Out interview that he’s gone down on a girl!

Adam Lambert goes down

Adam Lambert goes down

From Out:

OUT: Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
AL: Oral.

OUT: You went down on her?
AL: Uh-huh.

OUT: Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
AL: It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17… The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

Continue reading Adam Lambert Doesn’t Like Dirty Girls

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A Pussy In Your Fridge Will Not Get You, Well, You Know…

September 22nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Many of you are familiar with our theory that performing simple, unselfish acts such as washing one’s bed sheets and cleaning the toilet will get a guy laid. Along those lines, Boing Boing guest blogger Jesse Brown wondered if a clean fridge would, too. He linked to photos of his friend Corey Mintz’s immaculate refrigerator (see below); Corey, a chef and food critic, is of the belief that pictures of clean fridges “provoke the same response in women that nude shots inspire in men,” but Jesse was not so convinced.

I’ll admit, the first photo intrigued me.

Not for the cleanliness it captured, but for the abundant presence of pickled products. I have a weakness for pickles–cornichons, Tomolives, pepperoncini, shibazuke, jalapeno rings–and, by extension, pickle-eaters. Pickles are salty, decadent, comforting, and designed to be eaten in bed. They’re the food of hedonistic people who like to binge and overindulge and do not know the meaning of self-control. Pickles, in other words, reek of sex.

But just as the first photo lured me in, the second one put me off.

It, too, contained all sorts of items that suggested exquisite excess: brown butter, coconut milk, mole, and pork fat, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was the Hello Kitty lettuce container. Whatwhatwhat is a man doing with a Hello Kitty food storage container? (To be fair, I would ask the same question of a woman, too.) Is it supposed to be ironic? Is it supposed to be cute? Is it supposed to convey a kind of masculine sensitivity, like “I’m so secure in my manhood that I can embrace Hello Kitty and her ineffable charms”?

At this point, you’ve lost me. I’m asking too many questions. I’m overthinking both the fridge and its owner. I’m wishing the fridge only carried sparkling water. I’m feeling like the fridge is trying too hard. I’m thinking Don Draper would never allow a Hello Kitty lettuce container in his icebox. I’m wondering how many shoegaze LP’s are in this Hello Kitty lettuce container-owning dude’s record collection that I might be forced to listen to. I’m thinking I’ll take the pickles all right…but please hold the sex.

[Boing Boing: Will a clean fridge get you laid?]
[Toronto Star: Contents of your fridge is a window to your personality]


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The LPGA Backs Off Ricist "English-Only" Policy

September 5th, 2008 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

The LPGA has scrapped its plan to suspend players who don’t pass an oral English exam, after protests from sponsors, athletes, Asian-American groups, and California State Senator Leland Yee (pictured right). According to Bloomberg, the LPGA has 121 international players from 26 countries, including 45 South Koreans. The English-only policy was considered to be targeting Asians, who have won 7 out of 24 events this year.

I’m glad the LPGA has come to its senses. Frankly, if Senator Yee were giving me that Hardass Evil Eye, I would, too! I’d also make straight A’s on my next report card, wear modest clothing, become a violin virtuoso, respect my elders, go to Chinese school every Saturday, and never have sex!


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We Must, We Must, We Must Increase Our Lust

August 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Lust, Caution: Ang Lee’s Newest

Sources who have seen the film said it contains at least three scenes — one a long montage — featuring multiple acts of aggressive sexual activity in different positions. There’s no full-frontal male nudity (the source of some NC-17 rulings when shown in sex scenes), but male-on-female oral sex, non-S&M restraints and several nontraditional sexual positions are depicted, conveying the aggression and emotional conflict between the main characters.


Sounds to me like somebody (everybody) in the MPAA hasn’t been jerked off in awhile. And if they’re this frigid, they probably won’t be for some time. I can only assume that this, my friends, is why they are all simply being jerkoffs.

Bravissimo, however, to Lee and Focus Features CEO James Schamus (who is not “aschamed” of a single sex position in Lust) for sticking to their guns and not changing a frame of what promises to be a beautifully shot flick… And for writing a movie that shows what we already know: Asians do it better, y’all!


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July 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Not that I’ve ever tasted it or nuffin’, but condom latex is Naaassty.

So you can imagine my surprise and delight to hear that Hindustan Latex in India just launched a new Paan-flavored condom to ease a little bit of the gagging. But, I mean, only a little.

Taste tests included banana, chocolate, and strawberry flavors, though the flavor of Paan–a Betel nut/tobacco concoction popularly chewed in India–was the clear winner.


Paan is a mildly intoxicating preparation wrapped in a leaf, usually containing tobacco, betel nut and flavourings, and is hugely popular across South Asia. It is chewed to a mouth-staining red pulp before being spat out.

The condoms will at first be made available only to prostitutes, but will we launched to the general public in a few months, the newspaper said.



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Then Again, Maybe Not

July 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Oh Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo. Just as I was starting to think you guys might actually be kind of cool, you had to go and remind me that you are just really just a pair of B-list saccharine douchetards:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You guys are so LAME! “Our secret life” my ass. I promise you, unless there are s&m swings and/or spy work involved, your secret life is as boring as my 3rd grade diary–which read a little something like this:

“Hey Diary,

How are you? I’m great. So much to tell, I don’t even know where to start. So what happened today… Social Studies, English… SCHOOL! I can’t believe we have to go to school. But I got to sit next to Jared C. (sigh!) today at lunch, it was A-W-E-S-O-M!

You should have been there, Diary!!

Anyway, that’s all for now!
More Later!
Good night!

Love (and kisses),

But back to this dreadful zzZZZzZZzcelebrity coulple–oh sorry, I dozed off– it all gets so much worse:

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Why haven’t you learned? Cheesing out your romance is like severing off your own pecker. Don’t you remember this?

I would refer to it as a manhood LOW.

Trust me.

Now hightail it to some new tropical resort and screw on VIDEO! It’s the only way.


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2nd Panda Post of the Day: HELP THE LEGLESS PANDA!

March 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

This just in from Beijing:

This is a call to action. Niu Niu is a survivor! We must rally together to prevent her “sex life” from becoming dusty with misuse. Just think about how cranky your coworkers and friends become when their “sex lives” become “dusty.” It isn’t pretty.

Furthermore, I’d like to call out the DISGRASIAN in this story: that bitchy fighting panda that took out poor Niu Niu’s paw and didn’t have the balls to stick around and own up to it. Terrible panda behavior.


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