DISGRASIAN™

An Open Letter From DISGRASIAN To Shawne Merriman

Hello Shawn,

Okay, we don’t know you. We’re not your big sisters. But if we were your big sisters–whoo boy, this “conversation” would be the 9,473,665th epic, painful, terrifying, soul-sucking Hardass Asian Sister lecture of the month, not just one kindly open letter on a blog.

We read today that you are finally suing your former fiancée, Tila Tequila–your part of the fallout for a boom-and-bust engagement that erupted in alleged violence and went down in internet flames. To be clear, we don’t and likely will never know what went down between the two of you that ugly night. Continue reading An Open Letter From DISGRASIAN To Shawne Merriman

Filed under: Athletes, Bad Choices, Batshit Women, Crazians, Defamasian, Domestic Violence, fiancees, Gossip, Hardass Asian Siblings, Innocence, Intentional Interference With Contract, Lawsuits, Legal Double Standard, Lies, Linebackers, People To Avoid, Scandals, Shawne Merriman, Tiger Woods, Tila Tequila, Trademark Infringement, Unfair Competition

Tiger Woods Wants You To Step Off. Will You?

Tiger Woods’s domestic fiasco is undoubtedly the most exciting squabble of the holiday season so far! For those who missed it, the haiku wrap up is:

He maybe cheated
Elin his wife was so mad
Car crash and scandal

But if you need more details, TMZ has predictably posted the full play-by-play. They will continue to uncover every ugly detail, we’re sure!

Tiger released a statement on his website, kindly asking for the privacy “he deserves” while staying mum:

“As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

Continue reading Tiger Woods Wants You To Step Off. Will You?

Filed under: Celebrity "Privacy", Cheating, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Issues, Elin Nordegren, Extramarital Affairs, Mrs. Woods, Privacy, Right to Privacy, Scandals, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affair, Tiger Woods Crash, Tiger Woods Runs Car Intro Fire Hydrant, TMZ, Whoopsieeee

Threesomes And Pageants Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

By now, you’ve likely heard about the just-leaked threesome sex tape (WARNING: previous link extremely, extremely NSFW) featuring Miss Trinidad & Tobago (Anya Ayoung-Chee), her boyfriend Wyatt Gallery, and a close friend that is NOT, as previously alleged, Miss Japan.

The video was snatched when Gallery dropped off his laptop for repair at a Trinidad computer shop, and quickly made waves this week throughout the Internet pervosphere.

I won’t lie. I watched the video twice–even though I knew it was wrong, fueled by my disappointment in Carmen Electra’s newly-”leaked” sex tape, which was a bra-filled snoozefest. And I must say, that Miss Trinidad knows how to party!

Seriously, though… what did Wyatt Gallery ever do to deserve such an incredible stroke of luck (the threesome, not the leak)??? Perhaps he frequently helps little old ladies across the street. With his penis.

[TMZ: Miss Universe Contestants In Three-Way Sex Tape]

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Filed under: Anya Ayoung-Chee, Beauty Pageants, Guilty Pleasures, Laptops, Leaked Tapes, Luck Be Two Ladies Tonight, Lucky Bastards, Miss Japan, Miss T&T, Miss Trinidad & Tobago, Miss Universe, Miss Universe Contestants Nude, Miss Universe Japan, Mistasian Identity, NSFW, Scandals, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sex Tapes, So So Wrong, Three-ways, Threesomes, Trinidad, Whoopsieeee

Is Balloon Boy’s Mom, Mayumi Heene, A Victim Of Her Husband?

ABCNews.com–under its “Entertainment” section, it should be noted–posted a disturbing portrait Tuesday of Mayumi Heene, Balloon Boy’s mother. The story, “Balloon Boy Mom: Co-Conspirator or Abused Wife?” not only suggests that Mayumi may be a victim in this saga, but that her being Japanese has something to do with it.

The piece brings up the 911 call that brought police to the Heene house last February, when Mayumi appeared to have been hit in the face, and centers largely around allegations made by Richard Heene’s former business partner, Barbara Slusser, who worked with him on his “Psyience Detectives” web show. Slusser told ABCNews.com that Mayumi’s “Japanese background has kept her in a subservient relationship with her husband and three boys,” and also called the mother of three “the most stoic person” and “basically (Richard’s) slave.”

Another former Richard Heene friend and colleague, Scott Stevens, echoed Slusser’s statements.

It’s a cultural thing and (Richard) leveraged that knowledge,” Stevens said. “He believed that Asian women can be subservient and that’s what he wanted. But it takes two to tango and she was with him for more than a decade. Every day that was the dynamic in play.”

The story went on to note how, for the Heenes’ first of two appearances on Wife Swap, the show promo painted the following picture of the couple: “While Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.” And how, in that October 2008 episode, Richard screamed at the woman who swapped places with his wife for two weeks, “You’re a man’s nightmare. I’m so glad my wife was born in Japan.”

So, if we’re to believe this report, Mayumi Heene is essentially a sad, suffering-in-silence, subservient–a word used three times to describe her–Asian woman cliche (and Richard Heene, as everyone’s suspected all along, a gaping, raging asshole). There is, however, one startling revelation in the story that prevents us from writing off Mayumi as a total victim: she and Richard have SEPARATE legal representation. In other words, if the Heenes are going to go down like their little Mylar balloon for this hoax, they’re not going to go down together.

Lee Christian, Mayumi’s lawyer, said the accounts given by Slusser and others indicate that the woman should not be accused of being a co-conspirator in any alleged hoax.

“I can’t comment on the specific allegations here but if those statements are indeed true, then the district attorney needs to seriously think about whether to charge Mrs. Heene in this case,” Christian said.

Selling out your domineering husband when faced with criminal charges? That’s one helluva way to show him who’s boss.

[ABCNews.com: Balloon Boy Mom: Co-Conspirator or Abused Wife?]

Thanks, Elton!

Filed under: Balloon Boy, Battered Women, Clichés, Falcon Heene, Hoaxes, Long-Suffering Wives, Mayumi Heene, Media Frenzy, Media Whores, Richard Heene, Scandals, Stereotypes, Submissive Asian Women, Subservient Women

Meester’s Sex Tape Afoot?

Leighton Meester is the most recent celebrity to find herself embroiled in a juicy sex tape scandal (As if nude photos of Rihanna weren’t enough to tide all you dirty voyeurs for the summer!)–oh, the gossip storm!

With the Season 3 premiere of Gossip Girl nearly three months away, the surfacing of the tape seems ill-timed for an intended publicity stunt, convincing me that Meester had no role in the video going public; she simply has a dick ex-boyfriend looking to make a quick buck off of the fact that he once tapped a young actress’s arse.

And so my heart breaks a little for the poor girl–although not because she got busted screwing on camera (which is pretty much her own irresponsible, 21st century problem).

But I can appreciate how much of a fucking bummer for her it is that she will heretoforth and forever (at least by modern standards) be regarded as a “footjob” queen. FOOTJOB!? What a mortifying way to make a porno debut.

[via The Hollywood Gossip]

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Filed under: 21st Century Problems, Actresses, Badges of Shame, Embarrassing, Exes Suck, Footjobs? WTF?, Heartbreaking, Leighton Meester, Personal Lows, Quick Bucks, Scandals, Sex Tapes, Whoopsieeee

I Am Thirteen, Going on Seventeen

I started high school at the tail end of my twelfth year, which wasn’t so strange for me considering I was a fookin’ genius from birth started school early and was always two years young for my grade. By age thirteen, I had clocked in a season of high school cheerleading, seven broken heart episodes, and enough time as VP of my class to think that I ran the whole goddamn place. I swooped ahead to take AP Biology and chemistry at the same time, and started tutoring kids older than me in regular biology, or what I had started referring to as “elementary-level science for the masses.” I ruled. At thirteen years of age, I totally fucking ruled. Thirteen? I felt twenty-three.

Still, it wasn’t enough to just rule. The varsity football team found out how young I was on my first day in the halls, after which, none of them would touch me with a grabby-hand or a ten foot pole (unless, I suppose, they wanted to spend their senior year in jail). There was no faking my age, not with a seat in AP Bio, not with a fake ID, not with a stuffed bra, not with a very well-crafted lie. And thus, for me, there would be no feel-ups by BMOCs, no freshman year glory screws, just me, my AP Bio book, and my ego to keep me company.

It’s no wonder that I have paid special attention the controversy surrounding the champion Chinese gymnasts, many of whom have been scrutinized by every media outlet in the world (besides the Chinese) for lying about their ages.

Sure, sure, it’s important that, if the girls in question really are thirteen or fourteen rather than sixteen (as their legal passports state), there’s a whole institutionalized cheating thing being perpetuated by Chinese authorities and we’ve got a real fucking problem on our hands.

But let’s not bury the headline. There is, essentially written proof that at least one Chinese gymnast, He Kexin, was reported last year by Chinese press as aged thirteen, and now that story is being repudiated as inaccurate. Written proof! And all this chick has to tell reporters is, “My real age is sixteen. I don’t pay any attention to what everyone says,” and everyone nods their heads and the FIG and IOC give their collective thumbs-up, and the team goes on to win its gold medal, blah blah blah. If all of this drama is actually true, it surely boils down to this: Kexin and Co. have got some damn good people working with ‘em.

SO WHERE WERE THESE PEOPLE WHEN I WAS TRYING TO GET LAID IN HIGH SCHOOL?

WHERE???

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Paldies, Mari!

Filed under: China Gymnastics Age Controversy, China Gymnastics Scandal, Chinese Gymnasts, Getting Laid, Goddammit, Lying About Your Age, Scandals, the Olympics, This is Bullshit, We Start Ruling at Birth

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! John Edwards

While we’re never surprised to hear that a married politician has stepped out on his wife with one or a million “other women”–often the type with unreasonably puffy bangs and the kind of teeth that beg for fluoride (or something)–it never fails to disappoint us to find out that another one of our potential leading men is, simply, a dog.

It makes us particularly squeamish to hear about these stories, such as the now-galactic John Edwards scandal, in which the fellow’s wife is also terminally ill, the situation is blown out far and wide, and the family–already dealing with so much dark, sad, shit–is also then condemned to a very public hell of shame.


While we heard loud murmurs of the Senator’s alleged love child and affair with actress/filmmaker Rielle Hunter (pictured above) along the DC gossip chain during the madness of Super Tuesday, we tried deftly to ignore it. We didn’t want to hear it. Edwards wasn’t a bad guy, we thought, he’s a good guy. The story probably wasn’t true, or if it was, then he was a bad husband (not our problem) going through a bad situation (not our business), and this is personal crap (not politics), and that was that.

But the story actually is true, and the family shame is both huge and real, and Edwards is going to tell Bob Woodruff on Nightline all about it in an interview broadcast tonight.

Among other topics discussed in the interview, according to The Corner, Edwards will confidently deny the paternity of Hunter’s 6-month old baby.

He will also clarify a most important note about the relationship: how he only began the affair when he knew his wife was in cancer remission, not dying of cancer:

“ABC reports Edwards said his wife and other family members learned about the affair in 2006. ‘Edwards made a point of telling [ABC] that his wife’s cancer was in remission when he began the affair with Hunter,’ ABC News says. ‘Elizabeth Edwards has since been diagnosed with an incurable form of the disease.’

Oh, PHEW! That changes everything. Edwards must be a good guy, after all.

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Filed under: Assholes, Cancer Is Horrible, Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, John Edwards Affair, John Edwards Love Child, Paternity Tests, Personal Private Business, Politicians, Rielle Hunter, Scandals

Welcome to the Ruh-Roh

The U.S. Olympic Committee (USOC) was forced to apologize to Brazil this weekend after one of its douchebag workers wrote “Welcome to the Congo!” on a dry-erase board in the USOC’s media center for the Pan American Games in Rio de Janeiro.

Can anyone ’splain to me why “Olympic” and “scandal” go together like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong?

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Filed under: Cultural Lows, Douchebags, Scandals, the Olympics