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[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]
We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.
OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.
Filed under: 2010 Sucked Ass, Arizona, Arizona SB 1070, BP, BP Oil Spill, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Cheats On Wife, Brett Favre Penis, Brett Favre Sad Weiner, Brett Favre Why Did You Come Back?, Bristol Palin, Cheaters, Decision Points, Dick Cancer, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, George W. Bush, George W. Bush Decision Points, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow Country Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow Sings, Hamburger Helper Helps a Hamburger Help Gwen Make A Great Mess, Jesse James, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Jesse James PR Suicide, John McCain, Kat Von D, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, North Korea, Sarah Palin, SB 1070, The Palins, Todd Palin, TSA, TSA Body Scanner
I don’t know a terrible lot about Bristol Palin, and hold high hopes that behind the scenes, she’s not much like her boorish, media-whoring mother. However, one increasingly obvious similarity between the two seems to be an inability to look the other way when it comes to negative feedback. Frankly, no Palin seems able to resist the urge to respond publicly to a negative review–and Facebook is the venue of choice for little sister, mom and self.
Margaret Cho’s recent comments about the elder Palin forcing Bristol to join the cast of DWTS provided such an opportunity, and naturally, Bristol jumped at the chance. This week, young Palin responded to Cho in a sweet-as-eskimo-pie open letter on (Surprise!) Facebook:
I will give my friend credit for creativity, and extra points for getting so many “facts” wrong in so few sentences. Let me be blunt: my mom did not “force” me to go on DWTS. She did not ask me either. The show approached me. I thought about it. I made the decision. After first worrying for me in terms of being exposed to those who hate us for what we believe in, both my mom and my dad became my number one supporters. Anyone who watched the show could tell I performed better, and I felt better about myself, when they were in the audience. I wanted to make them both proud, but politics had nothing to do with it. Loving my parents had everything to do with it.
Well hell, good for Bristol for taking it upon herself to clear up those nasty rumors, defending her family’s honor (all you AZN peeps can undoubtedly identify with that), and remembering to use spell check while she was at it! Fine form! Maybe we aren’t giving this gal enough recognition for being a strong person and independent spirit, with her own words, opinions and talent.
Bristol also used her creative noggin to inject a bit of humor into her letter, closing it with what some commenters are calling a “questionable” lesbian quip:
You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.
HUNH. What an interesting reference for a 20-year-old to make in 2010, what with so many fun lesbians/lesbian dabblers swirling around the pop culture PR circuit to choose from right now! Were I in her position, I imagine I might have chosen to mention someone more… au courant. Y’know, like Ellen and Portia or Queen Latifah, maybe Samantha Ronson, Le Tigre, Tegan and Sara, la dee dah, the list really does kinda go on and on…
But no, I suppose the obvious lesbian joke for a free-thinking millennial like Bristol to make would be one about KD Lang and the Indigo Girls. They were both huge in the nineties and she was, um, born in the nineties, so that kinda makes sense I guess.
I mean, it’s not like Sarah Palin’s writing those jokes for her or anything.
Microagressions tracks and calls bullshit on those annoying acts and indignities of the ignorant that insult people of color. [microagressions.tumblr.com - thanks, Veronica!]
According to Margaret Cho, the only reason Bristol Palin competed on “Dancing With The Stars” was because her Hardass mother Sarah Palin forced her. Is it possible we actually feel kinda…sorry for Bristol? Ugh. [MargaretCho.com]
Yellow kid Fei “Phillip” Lam, a Queens high school student, is now known as the “White iPhone Kid.” He’s already made a mint breaking down the barrier between gadget nuts and the not-yet-available white iPhone 4 by selling simple DIY kits. [The Observer via Gothamist]
Sounds like relations between Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra and King James are a bit frosty. Frenemies! [The Huffington Post]
Some Hindu peeps would like to remind y’all that yoga isn’t just for Eat, Pray, Love-reading, lululemon-shopping Westerners, aight? [The New York Times]
Sheena Matheiken’s Uniform Project lives on in 2010, its message of sustainable design taken up by twelve of her fellow fashion-forward friends. She interviewed project participant Angie Johnson for The Huffington Post. [The Huffington Post]
Filed under: Basketball, Bristol Palin, Dancing With the Stars, Erik Spoelstra, LeBron James, Margaret Cho, Miami Heat, microaggressions, Sarah Palin, Sheena Matheiken, sustainability, Uniform Project, Yoga, yoga is an Asian sport y'all
Blame the Sarah Palin Media Blitz (2010 Edition), but the former governor of Alaska is a big ticket item in the news today. And not just because she’s peddling that new book or officially declaring a run for presidency (President Palin? That event would be so cataclysmic and shameful that just posting the words could implode the DISGRASIAN server). Thank goodness.
Instead, mills were a-buzzin’ when Dancing With The Stars judge Carrie Ann Inaba dished with Access Hollywood about meeting Ms. Palin at the Dancing finale:
“I did meet [Sarah] because, you know, my dad loves her,” Carrie Ann told Billy Bush and Kit Hoover, of Bristol’s mom. “So, I went and introduced myself. I was like, ‘My dad loves you, so, I have to say hello.’
“And you know what? She’s so charming!” Carrie Ann laughed. “I was like, ‘Girl crush!’”
The “crush” continued as Carrie Ann noticed a new glow emanating from “The Pistol’s” Mama Grizzly.
“She’s really nice. And I think she spray-tanned for the finale!” Carrie Ann exclaimed. “One of the crew guys came up and he goes, ‘Look at Sarah. Do you think she spray-tanned?’ And I looked at her and I’m like, ‘I think she did!’”
This is important because truth be told, Jen and I have always wondered how Palin maintains her warm and ruddy glow living all the way in gloomy Alaska! Like, totally, Carrie Ann! GIRL CRUSH! La dee dah!
In other news, Sarah Palin was on the Glenn Beck radio show today and, until corrected by Beck’s co-host, sputtered on a bunch of her usual policy nothings while criticizing the current White House stance on North Korea. Continue reading Palin’s Nailin’ It
Filed under: 2012, Alaska, All Those Asian Countries Look Alike, Carrie Ann Inaba, Carrie Ann Inaba 'Girl Crush' On Sarah Palin, Dancing With the Stars, God Help Us, North Korea, Nukes, President Palin--Like How That Sounds?, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Is Not Qualified To Be President, Sarah Palin Is Poison, South Korea, Spray-Tan, Third World War
As Bristol Palin heads into the finals of Dancing With the Stars tonight, everyone wants to know what her being in the top 3, despite consistently receiving the worst scores from the judges–and the fact that she could, like, OMG, “totally win”–means in the big picture. You know, the big picture of Tea Parties, Mama Grizzlies, and unseating a Socialist President in 2012?
Does it mean the Tea Party is more organized than non-wackjob political, er, establishments?
Does it mean there will be more voter fraud in 2012?
Does it mean Sarah Palin will be our next Mama Grizzly-in-Chief???
Filed under: Bristol Palin, Bristol Palin Dancing With the Stars, Bristol Palin DWTS, DWTS, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, Failing Upward, Mama Grizzlies, Mama Grizzly, Mediocre People, Palin Supporters, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin 2012, So-Called Teen Activists, Tea Partiers, Tea Party, The Palins, The Palins Are A Study in Mediocrity
Willow Palin (the 16-year-old, not-yet-pregnant daughter of Sarah) is at the center of much controversy today, after messages that she and big sib Bristol contributed to a family acquaintance’s Facebook thread were made public. Both girls’ numerous comments contained a plethora of expletives and garish spelling errors (frankly, all 15 of the thread’s contributors displayed the verbal abilities of a struggling, assholic 4th grader–download and view the whole mess from TMZ here), but Willow’s quickly made use of some choice homophobic slurs:
Naturally, a backlash from the er, supergay left had the Palins crying that Willow ain’t no homophobe, simply a sweet kid tossing around words–haters just want to hate! And backing them right up was an organization of folks that never cease to confuse me–the gay Republican members of GOProud. Here’s what the Stockholm Syndrome sufferers had to say in an official statement defending Willow’s words:
Willow Palin is a 16 year old girl who, like all 16 year olds is going to make mistakes and say things she shouldn’t have. This, however, has nothing to do with Willow Palin or the substance of what she said on Facebook. The ‘slur’ used here is one you could hear on the streets of West Hollywood or Chelsea every day of the week. Apparently, it’s only a ‘homophobic slur’ when it comes from the daughter of a conservative female leader. Make no mistake; this is all about destroying Sarah Palin by any means necessary.
Do I really need to speak as a member of an ethnic group often plagued by racial slurs? I hope this is apparent to everybody: the nuances of a slur have to do with the intent to insult or disparage, and, as Ernie Lepore expressed during a discussion of slurs in his November 7 NYT piece, ‘Speech and Harm,’ membership of the group being discussed is one of the slur’s few escape clauses. If Willow’s words are being tossed around in Chelsea and WeHo (I’m assuming GOProud is intimating the gays of these ‘hoods are the ones tossing), it seems highly unlikely that they are being used to belittle or marginalize.
Such is not the case for Willow. Her comments are not slurs because her mom is an incompetent, reviled politician, they’re slurs because they are slurs, and deeply offensive. So maybe she should just STFU.
Filed under: Bristol Palin, Chelsea, Deplorable Comments, Facebook, Flame Wars, Gay Republicans, GOProud, Homophobic Slurs, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Alaska, Slurs, Speech and Harm, West Hollywood, Willow Palin
Apparently, 5 million people watched the premiere of Sarah Palin’s 8-part reality series, her Alaska, last night.
I was one of them. Miraculously, I held down my vomit through every stinking minute of the TLC hour, mostly because I was hoping that Alaska’s former governor would get eaten by a bear (although I certainly would have settled for her falling off of a mountainside). She didn’t. But there are seven more episodes to go, so here’s hoping.
If you compare this pilot to other recent television hours, like Matt Lauer’s recent interview with the fact-slalom king, George W. Bush, then heck, the content wasn’t at all that infuriating. After all, one could maybe accept Alaska as simply a cloying, stagey, poorly-produced celebreality show (Really, Mark Burnett? You built how many scenes off of one blurred Joe McGinniss cutaway? Tsk!) along the lines of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (except the young, unmarried, unqualified new mom in this show isn’t old enough to drink yet). One could celebrate the soaring music cues, red-white-and-blue lower thirds and Christian-rock theme song of the show as just what the Middle American doctor ordered. One could argue that the vast mountain landscapes, endless skies, and extreme animal closeups legitimize this “travelogue,” excusing Palin’s thinly-if-at-all-veiled political rhetoric–sprinkled throughout each story beat–because she, like a Ken Burns that can’t pronounce “feel,” is just givin’ a much needed voice to the under-appreciated state she loves so darn much.
You could. But you’d be lying, just like anyone who defends the show as “completely non-political.”
Sarah Palin’s Alaska marks an American low, a political low, and HOLY CRAP a reality show low (which I wasn’t sure even existed). I really, REALLY hope there’s a hungry bear in episode two.
Filed under: Alaska, Ken Burns, Mark Burnett, Non-Political? Seriously?, Reality TV, Right Wing Nutjobs, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Is Poison, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin's Alaska Debuts To 5 Million Stupid Viewers, Shows That Liken A Shitty Yard Fence To Guarding Our Nation's Borders, Subversive Campaigning, The CW Blows, Thinly-veiled rhetoric, TLC, Vomit
Unlike most of us, Roger Ebert doesn’t tweet just to read his own poorly-abbreviated words. So last Friday, when he suggested on Twitter that Coffee Party founder Annabel Park and Sarah Palin should chat, emphasizing that he was “very serious,” people indeed took the idea very seriously–Park herself has sparked to the challenge, and the Facebook group Annabel Park v. Sarah Palin Debate already sports 1,300+ members.
We’re not convinced Palin would ever agree to have an honest, fair, even-keeled dialog with Park (or anybody that doesn’t instantly respond to her favorite call words: USA! RULES! TEA! PARTY! OBAMA! IS A MUSLIM KENYAN SOCIALIST! NEWSPAPERS! ALL OF ‘EM! GOTCHA! GOTCHA!). But if this fantasy conversation ever did happen, we imagine it would be quite illuminating. Perhaps something like…
PARK: It’s a pleasure to sit down with you, Mrs. Palin. Thanks for speaking with me.
PALIN: Ohh, you think I’m gonna fall for that one, dontchoo? You sneaky little buggers!
PARK: I’m not sure I know what you mean.
PALIN: I’m not falling into any of your socialist liberal commie traps, MIZ Park!
PARK: Please—just call me Annabel.
PALIN: Okay, Annabel. Can I call ya Ann?
PARK: Well, I guess so, I mean–but that’s not actually my name.
After telling President Obama that he should “refudiate” the NAACP for calling the Tea Party racist and advising “peaceful” Muslims via Twitter that they should “refudiate” plans to build a mosque near Ground Zero, Sarah Palin was roundly mocked for her refudiation of the English language, which led to her refudiating her refudiators and likening her penchant for malapropism to…Shakespeare.
As lovers of The Made-Up Word ourselves, we’re not ones to refudiate Sarah Palin. But because we’re a caring people, we’d like to kindly suggest that, from now on, Palin take a page from her beloved Tea Party’s handbook to avoid future embarrassment:
Filed under: Barack Obama, Embarrassing, I'm With Stupid, Made Up Words, NAACP, Neologism, President Obama, Refudiate, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Malapropism, Stupid People, Tea Partiers, Tea Party, Tea Party Conventions, Teabaggers, Twitter
OBAMA: It is good to finally meet you here, your Holiness. Thank you for coming.
DALAI LAMA: It is good to see you, President Obama.
OBAMA: Your good friend Sharon Stone called the White House today nine times in anticipation of your arrival.
DALAI LAMA: She is–what do you call–a hoot. Very good intention, but very hot mind.
DALAI LAMA: (leaning in) And of course, as nuts as a bowl of almonds.
[gently, they chuckle]
OBAMA: Your job seems… challenging.
DALAI LAMA: Your job also seems challenging. However, this is a good test for you.
OBAMA: It is. I believe that that ultimately, the American people are good. We all want to benefit humanity, just go about it in different ways.
Filed under: Book Smart, China, Chinese Government, Dalai, Epic Meetings, His Holiness, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Intelligence, Opposition, Photo Ops, President Barack Obama, President Obama, Right Wing Nutjobs, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Sharon Stone, Smarts, The White House
Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who turns 46 today!
Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, right?
Here are some other numbers to chew on on this special occasion (cuz we’re Asian, and we love math):
Filed under: Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number, Conservatards, FOX News is a Joke, Going Rogue, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin 2012, Sarah Palin Birthday, Sarah Palin FOX News, Sarah Palin Is Not Qualified To Be President, Sarah Palin Unqualified
Before she took the stage at the Tea Party Convention, Sarah Palin told Chris Wallace of Fox News that she was open to running for President in 2012.
Were she to run (the words “Palin” and “win” and “2012″ should never be spoken or imagined in concert), I think Jen and I would need about 579 guest blogging friends to help us deal with the onslaught of American shame. We simply couldn’t cover that amount of content. Our fingers would melt.
Filed under: 2012 Presidential Election, Chris Wallace, Fox News, Horrifying Thoughts, Pretentious Statements, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Presidential Run, Sarah Palin Run For President 2012, Tea Party Conventions