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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Sam "I Am…Jen’s Grandma" Cassell

February 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hi Sam!

Duuude. I’m so pissed that the Clips let you go. As some people know, you bear an uncanny resemblance to my wai puo and I just, like, love you for that. All of these sports writers are now calling you “injury-prone” and old, which may be true, but shoot, so is grandma, and when it’s time for her to suit up and get her mah-jong game on, she brings it and cleans her friends’ clocks. I know you’re cut from the same cloth. So do the Celtics, apparently, which is a helluva step up from the Clips. Who are now dead to me.

See you in the Eastern Conference finals, Sam-ma!

familially yours,
Jen

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Grandma and His Posse Make Mince Meat of Kobe Beef

April 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Late Rally by Clippers Overshadows Bryant’s 50″
Sam-I-Am-Jen’s-Grandma Cassell and the Clippers overcame a 17 pt. deficit last night against the Fakers, jamming in the 4th quarter to win 118-110. Kobe Beef Boy Bryant scored 50 last night, but his last basket was at the 8:46 mark in the 4th, when the Clippers were still down by 9. Way to fade out and not score when it matters Beef Boy!


At halftime, Grandma Cassell got called out by Charles Barkley, Kenny Johnson, and Reggie Miller for being old. Which pissed Grandma off and fired him up down the stretch, keeping the Clips in the playoff race.

Most shocking, however, was the TNT post-game show, when I learned that Reggie Miller can’t say “Alabama.”

Kenny and especially Chuck, were riding Reggie for his favorite TV show choices, which were The Honeymooners, The Closer (a TNT show coincidentally), and Happy Days.

Here is the transcript of that conversation, almost verbatim (this is not one of our madeup ones, I swear):

Chuck: “Good Times and Sanford and Son are two of the greatest shows of all time.”

Reggie: “I can’t like Happy Days? I don’t know what was going on in Selma, ALBA-BAMA, ALBA-BAMA?”

Chuck: “Which one of those shows is in Alabama?”

Reggie: “Isn’t that where you grew up?”

Chuck: “Good Times, that was in Chicago, wasn’t it?”

Reggie: “Right. I didn’t know what was going on in Selma, ALMA-BAMA. I didn’t know what you were watching in Selma, ALMA-BAMA.”

Reggie, what was going in Selma Albabama Almabama was a little thing called the civil rights movement. No big whoop. It was before your time and mine, which perhaps explains why you like…The Honeymooners? Why don’t you ask big sis Cheryl–if she’s not too busy changing her hair–what Selma was all about, and maybe how to say A-LA-BA-MA. She always did strike me as the smarter Miller.

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Source: TNT

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Our Very First Honorasian

April 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Clippers beat the hated-Lakers last night, clinging to that 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. GO CLIPS!

While we’re on the subject, I’d like to take this opportunity to designate our first Honorary Asian, or HONORASIAN. Do something great and we’ll make you one too:

…Clippers point guard Sam Cassell! Below you’ll find a fan letter I wrote to him:

Dear Sam,

I know this sounds crazy, but you look exactly like my Grandma. I figured this out when you were still a young player with the Rockets. Every time I watched you play, I’d get–as Diana would say–those Fuzzy Tummy Feelings that you only get around puppies, babies, asian girls who get bat-mitzvahed, and grandmas. They say you’ll be out the rest of the season with back spasms–I personally hope you’ll just take a painkiller and get back out on the court ASAP. Is that selfish? I just know that you’re a frickin’ BALLER. Just like Grams.

get well soon,
your loving granddaughter Jen

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