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When Losers Collide

July 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Roger Federer’s girlfriend Mirka Vavrinec, Gavin Rossdale, and Gwen Stefani at the Wimbledon men’s final, where Federer lost to Rafael Nadal 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7.


MIRKA: O-kay. Time to regroup.

GAVIN: Bummer. I can’t believe my boy lost.

GWEN: Dude. I thought Roger was supposed to be, like, hella good.

MIRKA: There’s always the U.S. Open. No need to panic. (beat) Fuck. I need a donut.

GAVIN: Hey, look! Messages on my BlackBerry! I wonder who called. This could be exciting.

GWEN: Oh shit, I feel a fart coming on.

MIRKA: The ship’s not sinking. It feels like it’s sinking, but it’s not sinking. (beat) I want two donuts. One glazed, one with sprinkles.

GAVIN: (checking phone) It was just the nanny. Balls. It’s always the nanny. (beat) It’s so weird that no one’s called to get Bush back together again. I mean, we personified the mid-90′s. It was all about O.J., the Rachel haircut, and us, man.

GWEN: I wonder if anyone smelled that.

MIRKA: After I have a dozen donuts, I’ll feel much better. Then I’ll go shopping for diamonds. Then I’ll withhold sex from Roger until he shapes the fuck up. Then I’ll buy more designer sweatsuits. Maybe another ostrich handbag, too. Then I’ll walk on the treadmill for two minutes, and then I’ll have a couple more donuts. Then…dinner!

GAVIN: We could reunite at Coachella, like the Pixies. I mean, we’re just as good and we were way huger. We could start touring again, and go back in the studio, and I could write songs, and grow my hair out and make it wicked greazy like it used to be, and…you know, I wonder what it would be like to work for a living again. It’s been a while. (beat) Oh god. The thought is just too weird. Like, working every day? Sheesh! It sounds so…hard.

GWEN: I can’t believe Roger lost to that Spanish dude with the big ass. I didn’t come here to watch my so-called friend blow Wimble-ton. This is so freakin’ lame. Can I get outta here without anyone seeing me? Where are my big-ass sunglasses? I hope no one recognizes me, because that would be so humiliating. (beat) God, I hate losers.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Notes from the Down Underground

January 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Zhang Jie and Yan Zi, 2006 Australasian Open doubles champs


The quarterfinals at the Australasian Open were not kind to the Williams sisters this year. First Serena was knocked out of the singles competition by Serbian Jelena Jankovic in straight sets, then Serena and Venus lost in doubles to Chinese duo Yan Zi and Zheng Jie, and, finally, Venus, who’s never won this Slam, was defeated in her singles match by another Serb, Ana Ivanovic, also in straight sets. All three losses occurred in the span of 24 hours. Rough day!

Speaking of China, there’s talk of moving the Australian Open, which advertises itself as “The Grand Slam of Asia/Pacific,” to Asia. China, specifically.

Even though the tournament has been held in Melbourne since 1905, I have a feeling I know who’ll win this fight. Perhaps the Aussies should adopt a new mascot…(drumroll)…the Down Underdogs! Okay, that was terrible.

On the subject of top dogs, can anyone beat Roger “The Federator” Federer on this hardcourt?

I’m still not convinced the dude isn’t an evil robot.

And, finally, we’ve noticed a big bump in DISGRASIAN’s traffic since the start of the Australasian Open. Are readers clicking over here for our unique slant on pop culture, sports, and celebutardity? Or our look at the presidential race through yellow-tinted glasses? Or our bitchy knee-jerk reactions to everything from protests of Japanese whaling to human rights in China?

Sadly, no. Many of you have just come for THIS.

THIS.


AND THIS.

So, once again, we’re putting out for you. Why? Cuz underneath our rough, pissed-off exteriors…

…we’re just gals who aim to please.

Happy tennis, pervs!

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