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ROCK OF ASIAN: David Choi’s “Please Don’t Touch My Junk” TSA Song

November 23rd, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

For all of you unlucky bastards who have to fly this Thanksgiving, here are a few tips to make your travel less painful:

  1. The new full-body scanners are safe, according to experts.
  2. If you opt out of the full-body scan, you will be subjected to an “enhanced” pat-down procedure.
  3. Every TSA officer has received 8 to 12 hours of training on the enhanced pat-down.
  4. If PDA freaks you out, you can choose to have the enhanced pat-down in private.
  5. Snow globes are not allowed on the plane.
  6. You can download David Choi’s “Please Don’t Touch My Junk” for free to listen to while you’re stuck in that horrible, junk-touching airport security line:

[CNN: A primer on the new airport security procedures]
[David Choi Music]

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ROCK OF ASIAN: “Paper Planes,” The Brentwood Remix

July 21st, 2010 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A few weeks ago, after M.I.A. gave another heinously unlikable interview during the run-up to the release of her new album, this time to GQ, in which she said she lives in Brentwood because she can’t afford New York, I suggested she begin taking a different approach to her public overshares if she wanted to stop alienating her audience:

You know what would be revolutionary and guerrilla-style? If you said something like, “I’m a mom now, and Brentwood’s safe” or “I’m rich now, where do you want me to live?” or “I like how unchallenging Brentwood is, I don’t have to be cool here” or even something hilariously bourgie like, “I picked Brentwood because I fell in love with this particular house.” You want to get heads spinning? Tell me you’re a Westside–and, uh, I don’t mean in the 2PAC sense–soccer mom.

And wouldn’t you know it? She did just that:

Yes, of course, the video isn’t real, but I kind of wish it were. She’s way more appealing when she’s owning her rock star lifestyle rather than disavowing it.

[via LA Times: Pop & Hiss: Investing in third world democracy and watching 'Ellen': M.I.A.'s suburban makeover]

Thanks, KT!

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Intern Jasmine’s Links of the Daysian

July 8th, 2010 | 0 comments | Posted by jasmine




MTV’s SuChin Pak has opened a hip new flea market on New York City’s Lower East Side. [New York Times]

David Eng plagiarized other critics’ reviews for his own movie blog. FOR FOUR FREAKIN’ YEARS. [Cinematical]

While Paul the octopus has picked Germany to win the World Cup, Mani the parrot begs to differ. [New York Times]

John Chu and Harry “DISGRASIANtern Jasmine’s secret boyfriend” Shum’s The LXD, a web series about a group of superheroes called The League of Extraordinary Dancers, premiered this week. [Hulu]

In case you missed it, the New York Times ran a nice profile of Justin Bieber backup singers (and previous Rock of Asian honorees) Legaci, written by friend-of-DISGRASIAN™ Josh Kun. [New York Times]

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ROCK OF ASIAN: One Last “Single Ladies” Video

March 31st, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Sick of “Single Ladies” videos? Or were you already sick of them a year ago like me? Well, there’s one last “Single Ladies” tribute you have to watch. Just because this is probably the only one you’ll see where somebody gets their soul crushed as they Put a Ring on It.

Oh, the parental shutdown! Oh, the killing of dreams!

[via Hyphen magazine]

[Ragamuffin Soul: Single Ladies, Parenting Manuals, and Fatherhood]

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ROCK OF ASIAN: The Morning Benders

February 24th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Kids. Ever wonder why you take music lessons? Piano, violin, or something infinitely more embarrassing like the oboe (which maybe I played for 7 years…um, shut up)? Is it to please your parents? Or to give recitals in a scratchy lace dress or a suit too big in the shoulders that you’re supposed to “grow into” to, again, please your parents? Or is it to mold yourself into a quote-unquote well-rounded individual so that one day you can get into your first choice college instead of some safety school so that, ultimately, and sadly, you please your motherfuckin’ parents?

Nay.

It’s because, one day, instead of going to a crappy 9 to 5, you’ll be rolling out of bed at noon to jam with your friends. Your friends who have cool haircuts and beards as long as they want, who are skinny and weirdly hot because they magically and mysteriously don’t need to eat like the rest of us (and maybe, too, because of the cigarettes and drugs).

Shoot, it’s because of the cigarettes and drugs.

And it’s because you’ll soon discover that making music, a fact that once made you a social pariah and a nerd, actually gets you laid in the real world. Like, a lot. And that getting laid will give you more material with which to make music. And that will, in turn, get you laid some more, and so on and so forth, even though you’re still kind of a nerd, but in the best possible way.

Watch this video of the making of the Roy Orbison-y single, “Excuses,” from the Berkeley, CA outfit The Morning Benders to see what I mean, and keep practicing, ‘kay?

Continue reading ROCK OF ASIAN: The Morning Benders

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More like a Motel 6 in Duluth

November 2nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

It’s a sad fact: Rock is dead. Save for the few awesome bands like Black Kids or Exit Clov or Blonde Redhead that we feature in our weekly Rock of Asian, the entire visible rock scene is totally adrift. Where are the new Fugazis and Nirvanas, the second comings of My Bloody Valentine, the young Stephen Malkmus, the teenage version of The Pixies? Where are they? Why is there no new Who or Stones? Why? Why? Why?

Instead, what my poor ears find themselves wading through on iTunes Tuesday is a bunch of bullshit sad hack post-post-emo/post-post-glam bands that can’t seem to tell a guitar pick from an eyeliner stick.

This douchebag? Are you kidding me?

These tools? Please just kill me (or them).


It’s gross. It’s embarrassing. It’s saddening. It’s maddening!

I’m angry, can you tell?? But that’s my beef. I’m apparently an old fart. I’ve come to terms with the fact that maybe it’s my problem, that the fact that my ears and eyes are offended by what most of the kids are listening to these days is a fault of my own hangups. I’ll be accountable for that, totally. It has nothing to do with me. Hell, it has nothing to do with us.

But dude, when it comes to my attention that Billboard (an organization populated by arguably sensible adults like you and me) has lauded the European MTV Music Awards performance of another stupid poser rock band called TOKIO HOTEL, I start to feel inadvertantly involved. Tokio? That sounds like Tokyo! And Tokyo is in Japan! And Japan is in Asia! And… well, you get the point.

I checked it out, and Tokio Hotel’s VMA performance included mid-stage torrential downpour over the stage. Incredible. They have not only dishonored Jennifer Beals’ iconic performance in Flashdance, but the fashion stylings of The Cult –all in the course of a singular song:

I am taking this very, very personally. Tokio Hotel, indeed. LEAVE US THE HELL OUT OF THIS.

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ROCK OF ASIAN

July 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Swedish pop superstar Robyn’s new self-titled album was recently released in the UK on her label Konichiwa Records (an homage to Dave Chappelle’s “Racial Draft” bit), and it rules. Watch her rock this hilarious video for “Konichiwa Bitches,” the LP’s plucky hip-hop single.

[Diana covers mouth and giggles]

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ROCK OF ASIAN

July 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

After much anticipasian, VH1′s new celebromanceality show Rock of Love premiered last week, proving to millions of viewers that Groupies don’t die; they just get chunky highlights, put on a clean dress, and pop out good as new. In this season of ROL, Poison’s golden boy Bret Michaels will take his pick between ladies of all sizes and shapes, all of whom will do just about anything to have Nothin’ But A Good Time with him in the bedroom.

For those who don’t remember, Bret and his band Poison spent most of the late eighties making Hair Rock that all the real rockers (like Ozzy and Axl) despised, but inspired ladies around the world to hike up their skirts and spread their legs on demand.

Of course I had every Poison record. Of course I wanted to lick Bret’s insulin syringe. Of course I’ve seen the reunited band perform three times in the last 5 years. Don’t judge me!!!!!!!!!!

I digress.

The Flavor of Love knockoff has just about everything required by the formula for success: a large house with a hot tub, a faded rock star that still arguably has his hair, attention whores who make out with visible tongue, lots of booze, and…

…wait. There’s one thing missing. One thing. What is it? What is it? What could it be? It’s driving me nuts!

“There are no Asians competing, Diana!”

Ah, ’tis true. I’ve scrutinized the cast at length and found not one almond-eyed harlot in the bunch. What the F? Somebody should have called–Between me, Jen, my three sisters, Kristi Yamaguchi, and our 5 autographed copies of Open Up And Say… Aaaaaaahhh!!!—I’m sure one of us could’ve dug up a leopard-print miniskirt in time to show some representasian.

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ROCK OF ASIAN

June 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I have a couple of theories regarding why Perry Farrell’s new project, Satellite Party, sold a measley 8,000 copies of its debut record, Ultra Payloaded, despite the fact that every musician worth their tour bus –from Flea to Peter Hook to, er, Jim Morrison–seems to have made a cameo.

  • The record is called Ultra Payloaded. Oh come on, Perry. You know better than that.
  • Perry didn’t show up to any of the Guitar Hero events he was invited to. You don’t fuck with those dudes. They will wreck your shit.
  • We’re all still addicted to Jane, I guess.
  • The sassy, brassy Asian lady co-starring with Farrell on this musical venture is NOT Jen. What the hell, Perry… can’t pick up a phone? Where are your priorities??

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ROCK OF ASIAN

May 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Fun, flirty and fierce THE LADY TIGRA (formerly of hip-pop duo L’Trimm) just released this adorable bubble-gum ode to the yumminess that is Pinkberry.

Click here to listen, and be sure to rock it on your ipod while ordering a green tea-flavored small cup covered with kiwi, mochi, and fruity pebbles!

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Rock of Asian, Jr.

May 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Japanese rock prodigies? Of course we’re not surprised.

These little ones make Megadeth look like total pussies. TAKE THAT, Dave Mustang!!!

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ROCK OF ASIAN

May 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Pictured below: David Bowie with experi-rock outfit Deerhoof…


DAVID BOWIE: My, you’re tiny.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: Uh, Mr. Bowie, it’s really an honor to hang out with you.

DAVID BOWIE: Call me David.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: David. We’ve been such huge fans of you for years. You’re really an inspiration to us all.

DAVID BOWIE: I’m feeling tragic.

JOHN DIETERICH: Don’t say it, dude.

DAVID BOWIE: Like I’m Marlon Brando.

GREG SAUNIER: He said it.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: David, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say…

DAVID BOWIE: When I look at my China Girl…

JOHN DIETERICH: She’s not Chinese, man.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: David, this isn’t about me, right? I’m not Chinese. I’m Japanese.

DAVID BOWIE: Oh baby, just you shut your mouth.

OTHER GUY: Mr. Bowie, I think I hear your publicist calling.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: It’s ok, he’s just making a joke. It’s a joke, right? David, I forgave you a long time ago for that song, only because you’re Bowie.

DAVID BOWIE: I’ll give you television. I’ll give you eyes of blue.

SATOMI MATSUZAKI: Oh my god. Just take the picture.

[everyone gives a plastic smile for the camera]

DAVID BOWIE: I’ll give you a man who wants to rule the world!!!

JOHN DIETERICH: Oh boy. Let’s go.

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