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The NY Times has reported that Japan’s robots are now facing a devastating rise in unemployment, due to the economic slump of our current worldwide recession.
What does this mean for American robots? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL ANN CURRY DO!?!? IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY!?!???????????????????????? ANN! BABY! IF YOU’RE READING THIS, CALL ME AND I’LL START PUTTING MY FEELERS OUT FOR NEW GIGS. WE’LL FIND SOMETHING. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.
Thanks, Eliza and Pete!
“Hello. I am Saya the robot teacher. I have been programmed to educate young children. And. To make them successful adults. My face can show. Five Hardass Asian Teacher emotions. They are Fear. Disgust. Anger. Sad. Surprise. Technically, I can also show Happy. [robot laughs] I do not use Happy ever. My hard drive has also been pre-loaded. With. Standard phrases that help students learn. Study more tonight. Why don’t you try harder. I am disappointed. Your parents will be ashamed. What a delicious apple. “
Hails from: Hong Kong
Occupation: Visual Artist
Why He’s A Babe: Besides rocking cool-geek chic as naturally as black hair, Wong applies poetic impressions of Hong Kong to very quirky, easy-on-the-eyes “experiments.”
Recently, Wong created a wheeled homeless shelter–including a bed and a desk–that unfolds from the shape of a robot (see photo, above). He says: “My question is: what if the homeless shelter is beautiful, to the point where it becomes a public artwork on the street?”
A four-eyed do-gooder with great intentions and an even better aesthetic? If that ain’t hot, we don’t know what is.
Japanese researchers unveiled the HRP-4C robot Monday, at the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology outside Tokyo. Her creators, who have intended the robot to be used for entertainment purposes, said that her look is manga-inspired.
“If we had made the robot too similar to a real human, it would have been uncanny,” said one of the inventors, humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita.
And by “uncanny,” we’re guessing they mean “pervy” and “ewww.”
One thing that’s realistic about the HRP-4C, who will walk in a fashion show later this month, is her weight. She tips the scales at 95 lbs., which is apparently the average weight of a Japanese woman.
Needless to say, we already HATE the skinny bitch.
I guess we should be glad that a glorious, gorgeous, out-of-this-world, epicurean goddess like yourself would agree to do a commercial for a fast-food joint. Because even though you have a beating heart, two eyes… even though you drink, sleep, excrete, and screw, it’s hard for us to accept that you’re a real-live person, much less one of the people.
Okay, we can appreciate what’s going on here: the fact that you’ll soon be using that face to peddle sloppy burgers for Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. (same beast) brings you down to Earth. It shows us your lowest common denominator. It proves that processed meats and sesame seed buns are not just for the ignorant, saddle-bagged, Tuna Helper masses of Middle America, but also for famous, particular, beautiful, elegant TV hosts from Manhattan. It’s meant to show us that this famous author’s ex-wife is real, and for that matter, so is Hardee’s. Now everybody, rich or poor, finicky or not, has the ability to get real along with you. Yeah. That’s really lovely.
But Padma. We feel that despite the motivation, you’re better than this. You do not want to take career cues from Paris Hilton. We’ve watched enough Top Chef to know that these quick burgers are not up to your standards, even after a bottle of wine (trust us, we’ve eaten enough of them for anybody). More importantly, we’ve never actually seen a commercial of this ilk that made us want to even eat food–in fact, they almost always inspire waves of nausea and a lasting aversion to the sound of chewing.
Maybe your “beautiful love song to food” will be enough to change our minds. But at the moment, we’re hard-pressed to truly believe that.
You know I think Victoria Beckham is a useless, scary, skeletal, creepy robot.
So why are these pieces from her new collection speaking to me?
Have I lost my mind? Is there a brain virus eating my rational thought? Is the world coming to an end? Has a zombie invaded my soul?
Or is that hot bitch in heels like, SO GORGE that she can just make a potato sack/paper bag/Beckham design look fierce? And if that’s the case, I’m totally normal and just love myself a hot bitch, right?
Please toss out a theory. I’m frightened. So frightened.
This week, we celebrate the 39th birthday of Julie Chen, aka the reigning Queen Missus of the CBS empire. We envy her shiny-and-full-of-body coif and pretty eyes (we bet she’s got a sweet-bangin’ GPS system in her car, or some other cool gadget like that, too).
May she continue to look this lovely and ageless until robotic eternity! Her very existence makes us want to turn 39, too, like NOW.
Love you, love your work. There is no question of that.
Here’s the thing: You had a tough night last night, with a big spill down the stairs, tons of folks accusing that you were probably too Pro-Obama to moderate the Vice Presidential debate fairly, and close physical proximity to the most ridiculous candidate ever to stand on the debate stage.
That all sucks. And you had a big job on your hands. But we can’t help but think that the fear of seeming biased ultimately caused you to go soft on Sarah–whose robo-answers, lack of decorum, and refusal to directly answer most of your questions should have been called out and reeled in.
The fact of the matter is: SARAH PALIN IS OUT OF CONTROL. This was the one opportunity for us to really see it, and with stronger moderation combined with Joe Biden going for the jugular (as well as choking up rather beautifully), we could have seen her go down.
Instead, we got winked at.
Sigh. Oh well.
On their website, Heart Robot’s creators describe how it responds to humans:
The rhythm of his breathing and heartbeat speeds up and he becomes more tense as he gets more ‘worried’. He slows down and relaxes as he becomes ‘happier’. His emotional state changes according to how you interact with him.
In other words, this robot, with its sack-of-rice body and Gizmo-ears, wants to be hugged, cuddled, and loved.
Sounds way too needy if you ask me.
Hails from: Japan
Occupation: TV host and model robot
Why She’s a Babe: She walks, talks, and sells sunscreen (because even robots get sunburns, too). And, according to her maker Kokoro (a Sanrio company), she has “long legs,” a “bright smile,” and an “astonishingly small face…capable of creating exotic facial expressions.” Despite her soft, feminine voice, we’re not entirely convinced that she’s a she, in which case, we applaud her bravery in trying to lead a normal life. Have a look for yourself:
Filed under: Actroid-DER2, Artificial Intelligence, Creepfest, Exotic Facial Expressions, Fembots, Japan, Leading a Normal Life, Robots, Small Wonders, Sunscreen, Trannies, TV Commercials, Weird Japanese Behavior
Y’all know how good Jen and I are at Guitar Hero. Let’s face it–we totally rage!! We’re so good I sometimes can’t believe us!! And this makes me happy.
What I think is just SAD is that a group of SAD little kids (high school/college students), who are CLEARLY threatened by how freakin’ Guitar Heroic we are (who wouldn’t be?), felt so SAD and pathetic and inept and compelled to beat us* that they BUILT a SAD little robot to PLAY GUITAR HERO WELL FOR THEM.
From their site, mechanizedrock.com:
Our note-sensing technique is what makes DeepNote unique. Using photodiodes aimed at the 5 notes on the screen, we are able to pick up on the changes in light that are exhibited when a note passes through the sensors. A photodiode works just like a photovoltaic cell (solar panel), by turning absorbed light waves into voltage. Thus, a voltage spike is experienced when light increases. The photodiodes have an 8 nanosecond response time and a small viewing angle, making them ideal for accurate and speedy analysis of notes. Because the voltage generated by this light change is very small (on the scale of a few millivolts), circuitry is used to amplify the signal up to about 3 volts, remove as much noise as possible, and adjust the hysteresis. The result of all of this is a digital square wave where 3 volts indicates a note, and 0 volts indicates no note. The sensors are held in place by a sliding rack that allows them to be adjusted for different size televisions.
Y’know, the Hardass Asian Lady in me is thoroughly disgusted by this shortcut. This is pussy-ass cheating. This is what I was taught: If you aren’t good at something, KILL YOURSELF. Oops, I mean, get better. Get better until you are THE BEST! Settle for nothing else! Don’t construct a fucking robot to be the best for you!
That said, The Hardass Asian Lady in me is also thinking, “Shit, guys, you used scientific prowess and dedicasian to make a ROBOT that can slay Guitar Hero on Expert? How badass!”
*we actually don’t know these kids, and don’t know if they only built their robot to beat US specifically. But we assume that they did.
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming…so that I can talk about my period. Guys, don’t be candy asses and go “eww.” Only gays are exempt from this conversation. The thing about periods is…they fuckin’ suck. (And no, I’m not on-the-rag at the moment, but just writing about my menstrual flow makes me furious, hateful, and in desperate need of spaghetti and chocolate.) It’s hard to imagine that once upon a time, like Judy Blume’s Margaret, I actually wished for the thing. Oh please Lord, make bloody chunks of my uterus fall out once a month so that I can wear a diaper or a tiny cotton penis with a string all day long like a real woman! Periods are messy. Periods are smelly (except to dogs, who think bloody tampons are filet mignon). Periods prevent you from getting a perfect score on your computer science exam because they max out your so-called maxi-pad after an hour and make you spend the rest of your exam time in the girls’ bathroom scrubbing the blood out of your acid-washed jeans with those brown paper towels that disintegrate into tiny granules the moment they get wet and yes, I’m still bitter about it.
Uh, where was I? Oh right, periods suck. So when I read this morning that Japanese comedienne Naomi Matsushima has designed pads printed with stars and camo so that “women could pass their menstrual period more happily,” I very nearly booked a flight to Japan just so I could find Naomi and punch her in the boob.
Naomi, you and I both know that there is no way to pass your menstrual period “more happily.” You can pass your menstrual period without ramming your Volvo into that douchebag’s Escalade who stole your parking spot at the mall. You can pass your menstrual period without bitch-slapping a stranger who looks at you sideways in a bar. You can pass your menstrual period without totally kicking in your boyfriend’s balls so that he’s unable to father children in the future. Is that the definition of happiness? If so, then we are in agreement. If not, I can only conclude that you’ve never gotten your period nor do you have a uterus and you are, in fact, an incredibly life-like robot that sad pervs looking for artificial companionship would gladly throw their money at because, among other things, they’ll never have to deal with the “eww” of your unhappy menstrual period.