You are currently browsing posts tagged with RNC

Scarf Ace

October 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Listen, we’re glad Sarah Palin spent $150,000 of the RNC’s money on a badly-needed wardrobe makeover. And we’re incredibly happy for Kazuo Kawasaki, whose glasses, worn by the Caribou Barbie herself, have skyrocketed in wannabe Hockey MILF sales to the tune of $$$$$$$$$! Ka-ching chong, indeed!

We may not agree with Sarah Palin on anything everything in terms of financial accountability, domestic and international policy, the state of our country, rights of women, animal life, John McCain’s health status, the reality of global warming, what “real Americans” are, how many newspapers count as “all of them,” how to handle Putin, what “palling around” consists of, proper English language elocution, or the duties of a Vice President.

But we sometimes do agree on apparel. Particularly this scarf:

Vote Donkey, you donkey

…which tells us that maybe she’s voting for the Obama/Biden more qualified ticket, as well. Wear it, work it, own it, girl!

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Bai-Partisan

September 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Someone had the stroke of genius to ask Bai Ling who she might be voting for in the Presidential election (BTW, is she an actual citizen, and can she vote? Please, God, say “no”), and she–in a roundabout manner that would make any 501c3, non-partisan, non-profit, get-out-the-vote-campaign director proud–endorsed no one. Okay, to be more accurate, Ms. Ling rattled off, “I think, somebody, uh, this two candidates, I don’t really know them that well”–which seemed like better than nothing, since I always expect her to simply say, “Eep! Opp! Ork! Midriff! What does it mean, ‘dick?’”

Instead, like all of our favorite legislators, she started talking about values:

“Somebody has to… have really bigger heart.”

“Only pure intentions.”

“People should vote for me! I’ll give you great place.
I’ll be president… I’ll, how do you say? Demolish all countries.”

Waaaaiiiitttaaminute. This all sounds strangely familiar. Did Bai make this speech at the GOP convention, too? I coulda sworn…

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Dear Governor Palin: Abort the Bump

September 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Governor,

Pardon us for being sexist, but can we talk about your hair for a sec? We realize you don’t believe in aborting bumps and, as your people have already acknowledged, bumps happen, but WTB (WhatTheBump)? Are you hiding something in that lofty hair-nest of yours? Hockey mom-lipstick? Trig’s burp cloth? Pencils?

Is this a small-town Wasilla thing? Something those of us in the Lower 48 wouldn’t understand? Come to think of it, your hair bump bears more than a passing resemblance to a Baked Alaska:


Are you subfollically-messaging us that you are, like Baked Alaska, light and sweet on the outside, cool and composed on the inside?

Or perhaps your hair bump is a nod to the good ol’ days, to a more wholesome America, to the bygone era of Gidget and Doris Day movies?


You know, before Gidget became a pesky union “organizer” (we know you hate that word) and the world discovered that Doris had been making pillow talk with a gay?

Whatever your reasons are for having it, the hair bump is mighty clever. We just happen to think it looks ridiculous and retro. And you’re not ridiculous or retro, are you? You’re Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska! Too down-to-earth to have a private jet or chef. A former beauty queen who’s only the second woman ever to run on a major-party presidential ticket. A modern gal who’s not only shown that you’re of the People (magazine), but you’re out to “serve the people.”

So, how about starting that by getting in step with the times and aborting the bump?

God Tress America,

DISGRASIAN

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RNC Updasian: The Sham Continues

September 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

People here are totally buying the “Diana as a Republican” impersonasian project. It’s so awesome! Yesterday, I even got heckled on the street by two hippies with a camcorder (am I confusing hippies with the Amish, or does that seem kinda wrong to you, too?), who yelled wistfully after me, “Now remember, Republicans are sexist, and you’re a WOMAN!”

I actually found myself getting angry. How dare they assault me for my political beliefs! And for the record, what’s so wrong with drilling in ANWR, and supporting the war in Iraq, and baking a cake for my husband? I couldn’t believe their nerve. So I adjusted my lanyard and RNC credentials, touched the pearls on my neck for strength, and kept walking.

Walking, that is, into the convention hall. Where I met other like-minded individuals, who I prayed with, and Muslim-bashed with, and spittoeyed on women’s and gay rights with. What fun! I was actually sad when it was over.

Until, of course, I met Bill O’Reilly. Even though he was a mean old dickface goat, it truly was an honor. An honor!

Brainwashed

Now, how can I get in touch with Ms. Coulter and Ms. Malkin, the mavericks of our time? Somebody, help me please!

Um, I mean, really HELP ME. I think this “impersonasian” thing has gone too far. I’m booking a ticket home from the RNC for tomorrow morning, STAT.

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Thanks, Christie and Joeff!

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RNC Updasian: The Convention Floor In A Nutshell

September 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


A blast. Simply a blast.

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RNC Day #1 Cancellasian

September 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Many of the RNC’s activities have been called off today, out of respect for the approaching Hurricane Gustav.

Now that it looks like you won’t be glued to the set watching all of today’s Republican rah-rah speeches, please make use of yourself and see how you might contribute to the efforts of the American Red Cross relief efforts that are already underway.

Or, uh, wait to see if FEMA will take care of it. Actually, they probably will. Enjoy your Labor Day.

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LiveBlogging from the Republican Nasianal Convention

September 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


That’s right, folks. I’m now here in Minneapolis/St. Paul, blogging atcha live from the Republican National Convention. Fucking party ON, Wayne!

I can’t believe how much there is to do here! I’ve been, uh, pumping gas and cheering on the war and spitting on immigrants and fighting gay marriage and reading my Bible and counting my money all day… not to mention spending lots of time thinking about how badly I totally want to vote for Sarah Palin (don’t worry if you don’t know who she is) now, cuz she’s a woman, and shit, I’ll vote for anybody as long as they have a functioning vagina (assuming Sarah has four–or, er, five children–her love purse must be top notch)!


In fact, I’ve actually been so flip-turned party-wise that I’ve even started dressing the part:

Alex P. Keaton? Or Diana?

… don’t worry. It won’t last long. I hope.

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Thanks, Christie and Ken!

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