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I was out of town for most of May but I’m baaaaack! And sick in bed. So I have nothing smart to say today about this Coldplay ft. Rihanna video for “Princess of China.” (If you do want a clever breakdown of all the song’s possible meanings, read my pal Molly Lambert’s Grantland post here.) The video’s just a hot mess of Orientalist imagery and a couple of terrifying manicures. And when they start fighting in the air a la Crouching Tiger, I had to laugh. The hurty nose-snort kind of laughter. Because that there was some seriously dorky shit. Like, the white man’s overbite version of kung fu fighting. I’m actually embarrassed for all parties involved:
And what does this song have to do with China anyway?
Never mind. I don’t care. Someone bring me some soup.
Filed under: Coldplay, Coldplay Fucking Sucks, Coldplay Princess of China Video, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Dorky Shit, Dragon Lady Fingernails, Kung Fu Fighting, Music Videos, Orientalism, Orientalist Imagery, Rih Rih, Rihanna, Scary Manicures, The Gong Show
Earlier this month, Rihanna tweeted a pic of a bag of rice cakes dressed in wayfarers and gold hoops accompanied by the caption “Ima make u my bitch,” which everyone interpreted as her throwing shade at Karrueche Tran, Chris Brown’s current girlfriend, who is of Vietnamese and African American descent.
Some people have asked if this is racist. YES. Yes it is. I think of Rihanna’s legion of young fans who are Asian, and I’m sad for them. I’m sad, too, that Rihanna’s instigating a bitchfight with another woman over a man-child who, um, beat her in the face.
I’m also sad that Rihanna’s eating janky-ass Safeway-brand rice cakes when she should be all over Lundberg organics, and yes, I do think that’s a metaphor for her shitty life choices.
Filed under: Birthday Cake, Children, Chris Brown, Chris Brown Abusive, Chris Brown's Girlfriend, Dumbasses, Karrueche Tran, Racist Tweets, Rice Cakes, Ricism, Rihanna, Stupid, Twitter Wars, You're All Grounded
#Linsanity, The Valentine’s (Or VaLintine’s) Day Edition: Who Should Be Jeremy Lin’s Basketball Wife?
So Linsanity took, what, all of a week to sweep the nation? Now what?
If Jeremy Lin keeps playing the way he’s been playing, he’s going to have to negotiate a much bigger contract when he becomes an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season. (Currently, he makes the league minimum.) But that’s for his sports agent to figure out.
And dude needs a place to live, since he’s currently–and adorably–crashing with his older brother Josh, who’s in dentistry school at NYU. But that’s for his real estate agent to figure out. Preferably after his sports agent figures out where Lin will be playing next year.
After all that, the next thing Lin ought to figure out is who his “And One” will be. Because nothing–apart from a lot of sparkly man-jewelry–says “I’ve arrived” in the NBA quite like a Basketball Wife, a boo to cheer you on when everyone else is, well, booing your sorry ass. And since it happens to be the holiday of
bitterness, loneliness, cliched expressions of affection, flawed diamonds, deli flowers, teddy bears that give you allergies, cheap boxes of chocolates, and crying yourself to sleep, er, LOVE, I’ve taken it upon myself to be Jeremy’s matchmaker. (And, yes, my ten percent cut can totally come in the form of courtside seats.)
Like it or not, at the moment, Jamie is arguably the most famous young Asian American Continue reading #Linsanity, The Valentine’s (Or VaLintine’s) Day Edition: Who Should Be Jeremy Lin’s Basketball Wife?
Filed under: Basketball, Basketball Wives, Beliebers, Girlfriends, Jamie Chung, Jeremy Lin, Jeremy Lin Girlfriend, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Kismet, Linsanity, Love, Matchmakers, Matchmaking, Michelle Wie, My Funny Valentine, NBA, New York Knicks, New York Sports, Rihanna, Rooney Mara, Selena Gomez, Valentine's Day, Vanessa Bryant
AllKPop has posed an important intellectual property question: Did Korean gal group Girls’ Generation (aka So Nyeo Shi Dae or SNSD) rip a song off of Rihanna? The songs in question are SNSD’s chart-topper “Oh!” and Rihanna’s sizzling hot “Shut Up And Drive,” both of which sample New Order’s classic new wave hit “Blue Monday.”
Our brutish ears might be too simple to make a conclusive determination on this one, but hell, we don’t care all that much! What we’re really fascinated by is the mashup.
Some beat whiz at AllKPop produced an awesome, nerdy, well-organized YouTube video documenting both sides of the coin, allowing netizens to make their own educated decisions on the matter. They include selections of each video (which are both short-short euphorias and color hue smorgasbords), then juxtapose them atop one another at 133 rpm and a leveled pitch.
It can’t be just us… the result is like ear and eye candy. No, ear and eye crank. Why don’t we just have everybody call a truce?
If Chris Brown actually doesn’t remember whaling on ex-girlfriend Rihanna in February, he should probably try. Because “like, Wow,” “I don’t know what to think” and “it’s crazy to me” may be statements, but they don’t exactly sound apologetic. Hey, maybe that’s just because he’s foggy on the details.
Y’know what does sound apologetic, though? “I’m sorry.”
Tila Tequila Twitters. A lot. She joined less than two weeks ago and has already posted over 500 updates and has 67,000+ followers at last count. She claims not to have a ghost Twitterer microblogging for her, but she also claimed to be bisexual just in time for–tada!–her bisexual dating show on MTV, so make of that what you will.
That said, Tila’s Twitter feed is her most interesting work to date. Here are the top ten things I’ve learned from “Twila”:
- She has a crush on David Lynch.
- She takes Ambien/Lunesta to sleep, and when she runs out of pills, Nyquil.
- She’s really pissed at Rihanna for not being a “better role model” and for “partying.”
- The “biggest celebrity douchebag asshole” she’s ever met is Jared Leto, whom she calls “a self-absorbed cunt.”
- She is BTF (Best Twitter Friends) with Meghan McCain (@McCainBlogette).
- She is always LOL.
- Her idols are “Kathryn of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc and Tupac Shakur.”
- The only person she really hates in the world is Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, because of the way that “hoebag…smiles when paparazzi’s are swarming her.”
Is this what “I’m ashamed about my involvement in a highly publicized domestic violence dispute that allegedly left my girlfriend with a split lip and giant welts all over her face–and can’t believe all of this went down before I’d even been alive for two decades” looks like?
On the same day that TMZ posted a photo taken of Rihanna’s battered face after she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown, MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew aired their “Battle of the Sexes” episode, wherein the four remaining teams competed, two all-male and two all-female. In what can only be described as exquisitely poor timing (not to mention taste), the all-male Quest Crew was assigned to dance to Chris Brown’s “Forever,” while the all-female Fly Khicks crew was asked to perform a routine to Rihanna’s “Pon de Replay.” I physically cringed when one of the members of Quest Crew (whom I adore)–in reference to Chris Brown’s MJ-esque footwork–said, quite innocently, “No one does it like Chris Brown.”
Watch the full episode here.
Filed under: America's Best Dance Crew, Bad Timing, Battered Women, Chris Brown, Dancing Around the Topic, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Fly Khicks, MTV, Quest Crew, Rihanna, Sensitivity Training, WTF?
KUMI KODA: Oh Rihanna! I love you!
RIHANNA: Uh huh. Great to meet you, yep.
KUMI KODA: I’m so happy to take picture with you!
RIHANNA: I know, that’s great, let’s smile and take it.
KUMI KODA: I even cut my hair like you!
RIHANNA: Well, you know, lots of people cut their hair like this. With weaves today, anyone can do up their ‘do. Fancy that.
KUMI KODA: Let’s get closer!
RIHANNA: Um, too close. too close.
KUMI KODA: Yesss!
RIHANNA: Oh god.
KUMI KODA: I’m so happy!
RIHANNA: [Panicked] Take the picture please. I need to go call DISGRASIAN and tell them this affects my decision.
SNOOP: Aw sheeeeit, girl. Why you harshin’ my mellow?
RIHANNA: Well, I just don’t know what to do!
SNOOP: Fo shizzle? What the hizzle you talkin’ bout girl?
RIHANNA: DISGRASIAN wants me to join their pack. Can I even do that? What will Hova say?
SNOOP: [snaps alert] OH shit, girl! You can’t make DISGRASIAN wait!
RIHANNA: What? What? What do you mean?
SNOOP: You better get on that shit now! Like now, my gizzle!!!!
SNOOP: NOW! NIZZLE!!!!!!!!!
Are you one of us? Please say yes.
Diana and Jen
P.S. Dress? Hot. Eyes? Hot. Hair?…You make Anna Wintour weep.