You are currently browsing posts tagged with Relax–Just Do It
To the Vietnamese-American readers that I may have hated on too quickly this week, because of their undying, ungodly, unexplainable commitment to the support of Sen. McCain:
Hey. I’m sorry for calling you “gooks.” That was really rude, huh? Here’s the thing–I say–I was joking with a veteran–I hate to even go into this. I was joking with an old veteran friend, who joked with me, about Vietnam…. well anyway. I’m not really sorry.
So, anyhoozle, I think there’s a way for
you fucking head-up-your-ass, middle-class-fearing, Vietnamese McCain supporters to redeem yourselves in my judgmental eyes us to bridge the gap between us and allow us to be straight with each other again.
The Obama campaign is in dire need of Vietnamese-speaking volunteers to spread the good word and explain what’s what on the issues (think of it as missionary work) to the large Viet community there. The staff can train you, explain the issues, and help you help us. HELP US. Get on your moped and skedaddle over to Virginia. IF YOU WANT US TO BE COOL AGAIN, that is, then HELP US ALL.
The Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey, which polled 26,000 people in 26 countries, was released yesterday with one shocking point of analysis: People from China and Hong Kong are the least likely to climax during sex.
Reuters reports that “Less than a quarter — 24 percent — of those surveyed from China and Hong Kong were able to achieve an orgasm every time they had sex.“
This saddens me for a number of reasons, namely:
1) Chinese people are WINNERS. They should never be least likely to do anything–save for least likely to “not succeed” or “fail” or “do poorly on a test” or “lose in a Mahjong tournament” or “turn up their nose at a shiny new Acura.”
2) Sex is really fun. The thought of my overseas brethren suffering through hours of pointless, bad sex makes me want to punch a bitch.
3) Orgasms are what make sex fun. The rest of it (for the most part) is just fiddly, clunky, sometimes-smelly bullshit that ultimately leads up to the fun part.
4) The lack of screaming in the bedroom must directly translate into hot and bothered mothers screaming at their children to “PRACTICE THE PIANO OR ELSE YOU DISHONOR FAMILY!!!” and that kinda sucks.
5) I refuse to believe that our peeps are not good at ocean motion. I think it’s just nerves.
And nerves… nerves we can deal with. Here is my advice to all of our bruthas and sistas in Asia. You can come lately! The problem is simply that you’ve got big brains, and you’re using them too much. Try not to overthink it. Just RELAX. Stop using your graphing calculator to assess your partner’s increased heart rate and blood flow to the erogenous zones.
And when in doubt, put on sexy music. Peter Cetera is good. So is Faith Hill. If you can find songs with lyrics about “commitment” or “lifelong love” or “being partners” or “childbirth,” you’re seriously on your way to an orgasm smörgåsbord. SO EAT UP!