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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! O.C. Welch

December 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The tenuous fate of America’s Big Three auto corporations has everybody on edge, and people are fightin’ mad: Dems feel like the Republicans failed them on the now-dead auto bailout, the Unions feel like they are being unfairly attacked, the hundreds of thousands of workers employed in the auto industry are nauseous thinking about the holidays, and nobody has figured out how to make the situation better.

So what’s a person to do? Buy American? That’s a complicated task, especially when it comes to cars, which are now such a product of globalization that even Fords and GMs and Chevys are always partly constructed from foreign parts. Stop buying altogether? Not recommended by Warren Buffett. What about… we just kick the dog? That’s always the easiest thing to do, and seems to be, more times than not, the good ol’ American way.

Car dealer O.C. Welch seems to take some comfort in taking a toe to the pup–he released five radio ads last week attacking patriots for buying Japanese cars.

He’s pretty durned specific that it’s the Japs’ faults (not the Germans… nor the Swedes) for ruining the American auto industry. How they happen to be so faulty, it’s hard for me to decide–perhaps it’s in designing cars that are fuel-efficient, long-lasting, and aesthetically pleasing BEFORE going nearly bankrupt and asking for federal aid (“Oh totally, Congress, it’s 2008! We in Detroit are totally gonna look into this, like, eco thing now, swear!”). Perhaps it’s for manufacturing cars in America and employing hundreds of thousands of American workers!

Welch maybe says it best: “”All those cars are rice ready. They’re not road ready.” Uh, what? First of all, did somebody say “rice?” Where? Let’s drive and get some in a fuel-efficient imported car! Second of all, are we really going to try and lie to ourselves by saying that American cars are better equipped for the road, and that Japanese cars are not? That’s just sad. We can’t go there; we’ll feel so stupid.

If there’s one thing Welch should be blaming his lackluster car sales on–if not inevitable economic cycles, poor corporate management, and his own bad choice of career–it’s the fact that he’s peddling shitty cars. And he can hate on the slant-eyes all he wants, but for the time being, that fact isn’t going to change.

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Levi Johnston Is a Fuckin’ Redneck Genius

September 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


McCAIN: So, is this the Impregnator?

LEVI: Impregnawhat? I’m just a fuckin’ redneck. Dude, how old are you again? Like, 126 years old? You got hella bags under your eyes, man. You should do something about that.

McCAIN: Well, I can’t, you cunt, because I can’t lift my arms high enough to put on Cindy’s expensive eye cream every night. Because I’m a fuckin’ war hero, okay? A P-O-FUCKIN’-W, ever heard of it?

LEVI: Yeah, yeah. Whatevs. I know guns are cool and shit. Don’t get your crusty panties in a twist, bro.

BRISTOL: (sighs) I love it when men fight over me. This is so romantic. Levi, I can’t wait to have your baby. And the second one, and the third, and the fourth, and the…

LEVI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. Slow down. Remember how I said I didn’t want any fuckin’ kids? Boy, you really effed up my life plans.

BRISTOL: Your life plans? What about my life plans?

LEVI: What are you fuckin’ talkin’ about? I made you. You’re set. Instead of being branded a pinhead by Bill O’Reilly and having conservatives blame your parents for this shit, you’re, like, now the poster child for the right-to-life movement. As though abortion had anything to do with our fuckin’ a lot without a condom. Think about it–you’re getting rewarded for your “morals” by puttin’ out at 17! Most kids our age would get killed for this shit, and I’m going to be on national TV instead. This is the greatest bait-and-switch in history. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

McCAIN: Kid, you are a fuckin’ genius. A cunt, but a genius cunt, nevertheless. (beat) Do you want to run my campaign?

LEVI: The dividends from fuckin’ without a condom just keep rollin’ in. Sweeeet.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Wrestler Jimmy Wang Yang-ked

June 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Oh, Jimmy Wang Yang. I just don’t know how to feel about you.

On the one hand, from your MySpace page, I catch glimmers of myself:

howdy im jimmy wang yang and im your boy . im half korean and white . i was born in hollywood california . i moved from cali to a little town in georgia called austell .i grew up there . im your asian redneck . i like nascar , atlanta braves , and i love pro wrasslin .

Okay, maybe minus the “wrasslin” part and your aggressive disregard for apostrophes and capitalization. The point is, man, I relate.

I also like how your WWE bio describes you as “not your stereotypical Asian” and asks this very pertinent question:

Why is he supposed to know where the nearest Chinese restaurant is, after all?

DUDE. I TOTALLY FEEL YOU. I could actually tell you where the nearest (good) Chinese restaurant is in my hometown, but that’s only because my friend Ben, who is not Chinese, has done exhaustive research on the subject and has kindly shared all of his restaurant tips with me.

On the other hand, I’m not sure why you’ve worked so hard not to be a stereotypical Asian only to become a stereotypical redneck, as witnessed by this entrance video:

Perhaps it’s all about the juxtaposition? Yellow face/Red neck? It’s a strong, cheeky selling point, I’ll give you that. For five seconds after college, I entertained the idea of moving to Nashville and becoming a country singer for, I think, the same reasons. It wasn’t because I have a particularly good voice or a knack for writing sad-sack country songs; I simply thought it would shake things up. And I have to admit, Jimmy Wang Yang, your good ol’ boy schtick is kinda hot–albeit Leather Queen-ish–although I REALLY wish you’d lose the Confederate flag. And that ridorkulous cowboy hat, too.

So. All this ruminasian leads me to one last question: Were you breaking the mold yet again when you were busted this week for violating the WWE’s drug policy and suspended for 30 days? The WWE wouldn’t say what drugs they found in your system, but I’m pretty sure I know what kind they were (performance-enhancing), in which case I should tell you, WELL DONE.

Coz the way I see it, that behavior is DEFINITELY NOT Asian.

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DISGRASIANS OF THE WEAK: Love Letters

August 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We always know we’re doing something right when we get fan mail at DISGRASIAN HQ. In the past few weeks, we’ve been getting a lot of it, so “Yay, Us!” We thought we’d send you off into the weekend with the best of the bunch and our responses, which are sure to inspire the fuzziest of fuzzy tummy feelings.

Here’s a letter we received after we posted about bastardly.com and their policy of giving Asian actresses and models ching-chong accents:

Hi Don,

You’ve proven one very important point, which is, if you marry an Asian–especially a linguistically-challenged one–you automatically earn the right to decide what is or isn’t offensive to Asians. Good for you! Your wife is very lucky–I mean, “She so rucky!! Wubba wubba!” Tee hee! Isn’t that funny? Yuk yuk yuk!

walm legalds,

DISGRASIAN

☆☆☆☆☆

Then there was this terse little missive, left on our MySpace page:

Dear Yen,

We’re so happy to be giving our people “a even” (sic) worse reputation than before, because, frankly, we were so bored with our old one. You know, the whole rep about Asian men having small you-know-whats and Asian women with their sideways vajayjays, and none of us speaking a lick of intelligible English. You’re right, buddy, it’s all been downhill from there. Boy, are you observant! If we had a gold star to spare, we’d lick it and stick it on your forehead. Thanks for sharing and caring!

all the BEST,

DISGRASIAN

☆☆☆☆☆

And then we got this valentine, from one impassioned Gwen SteFANny:

Dear Eric,

OMG. That may be the first time anyone’s called us “simple-minded fucks”! Thanks so much!!! It’s so burdensome to be thought of as smart and studious all the time. And you’re so right–white people should act like white people. You are totally feeling our message, bro. As for Tragic Kingdom being a classic album, we could not agree more. It’s right up there with Sgt. Pepper’s, another record made by our enemy, white people.

lovingly,

DISGRASIAN

☆☆☆☆☆

And finally, we received this ode to Us, from an even more impassioned SteFANny:

Oh Mikael, Mikael, Mikael, while your threats of genital maiming do frighten us, we’re not sure how you would do such damage to our coochie cooches with an ordinary house wrench. Which begs the question–have you ever seen a vagina? And for that matter, have you seen a wrench? Do you know what either of those things are? We’re thinking that you probably never will.

We pity you. Have a great weekend!

wrenchingly yours,

DISGRASIAN

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