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Watch the speech Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) gave today at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), in which she pokes fun at her SOTU response gaffe, manages a pun on Chinese President Hu Jintao’s name that no one’s ever made before, and invites all of her college-aged groupies–some of whom are presumably underage–to “party hardy” with her later:
But, hey, at least Bachmann knows her math:
“There’s a difference between millions and billions. But there’s an even greater difference between billions and trillions.”
Mind is blown.
Because, seriously, Bachmann-as-the-Human-Calculator is pretty impressive, Continue reading Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes
Filed under: Climate Change, Comediennes, Conservatards, Conservative Political Action Conference, Crazypants, Evolution, Hu Jintao, Hu's Your Daddy, Math, Michelle Bachmann, Michelle Bachmann CPAC, Michelle Bachmann Is Good at Math, Michelle Bachmann SOTU Response, Michelle Bachmann Tea Party, President Hu Jintao, Really Stupid People, Stand-Up, Stand-Up Comedy, Tea Party
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We bet this one was a HAPPY one!
‘Cuz there’s nothing like being turning 41 to remind you of what really counts in life: knowing that your family is happy and your career in order.
We figured you probably didn’t get many, so we decided to go in together on a couple of birthday presents for ya. They are:
Filed under: Bad Years, Birthdays, Cheaters, Condoms, Down the Tubes, Fuckups, Homewrecks, Idiots, Jesse James, Jesse James Affairs, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Kids, Jesse James Mistresses, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Messes, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, Michelle Bombshell Nazi Photo, Mid-Life Crises, Really Stupid People, Strippers, The Most Hated Man In America
How do you prove definitively that you’re not a racist?
Just add a black friend!
(Asian and Latino friends will suffice, in a pinch, and gay friends, too, are useful when accused of being a general bigot.)
Cuz that’s what friends are for!
Keep smilin’, keep shinin’, knowing you can always count on me…
You know those people who automatically assume you don’t speak English or say “Wow! Your English is really good” when it’s obvs your first language or the people who never seem to be able to understand what you’re saying even though you basically speak the Queen’s English and the OED is, like, your favorite book?
Filed under: Bad Spellers, Conservatards, Fringe, Hypocrisy, Really Stupid People, So-Called Activism, Speak English, Stupid People, Tea Party Conventions, Tea Party Protests, Teabaggers, Teabagging Protests, The Queen's English
Girl, we gotta hand it to you. You are one badass motherfucker when it comes to bringing people together. We can’t tell you how many people wrote in Thursday all hepped up about you saying before the Texas House of Representatives Election Committee that Asian-Americans should get names that are easier for real-Americans to “deal with” so that we can retain our right to vote. Not only did our Asian readers (or “our citizens,” as you call them) write in to complain, but our white, black, Latino, bi-racial, bi-curious, gay, straight, and every other color of the rainbow-brethren did, too. You could seriously give Barack Obama–who should also get a name that’s easier to deal with, don’t you think?–a run for his money in the “unifying people” category.
But we’re not writing to chasten you today, we’re writing to thank you. Because you’ve actually done us a great service. For one thing, you’ve made the Republican Party look baaaaad. In an age where the GOP is desperately trying to rebrand itself as a more inclusive and, like, fun party, you’re a soft-spoken, gently-coiffed, silvery reminder that it’s not. For another, you’ve driven a whole new group of voters with annoyingly difficult names to the Democrats, people who might have voted for you once upon a time but who have been fleeing your party in droves for the last 20 years because they’ve just found the Democratic party easier to “deal with.” Which is unfortunate for you and yours since Asian-Americans are the fastest-growing minority group in the country (Need a transliteration? We’re taking over everything). Thank you for reminding us, too, that voter rights aren’t something we can take for granted, and that we can’t rely on lawmakers like you to, say, actually make laws that ensure those rights. So we need to make sure our vote counts–first and foremost–by voting people like you, with your easy-to-deal-with-names and your hard-too-fathom-ignorance, right out of office.
p.s. How awesome is Ramey Ko, the nice, articulate, good English-speaking Asian gentleman who testified before you and the House Elections Committee? Did you learn his difficult name? You should, because you’re going to be working for him someday.
To write Rep. Betty Brown your own thank you-note, click here.
To see the video of Brown’s comments, click here.
Last week, two dudes got into a fight after a road rage incident escalated on a Staten Island highway, and one of them, Yao Zhou, 35, a sushi chef, cut up the other guy, Jack Zaiback (pictured left), 23, with a sushi knife. Zaiback got in some blows, too, cutting Zhou above the eye with his fists, and both men have been charged with first-degree assault.
But they should have been charged with first-degree fucktardedness. Because they pulled over to rumble and, I mean, who does that? It’s one thing to mouth off to another driver–I have been known to get into it with assholes on the road and talk about how tiny their dicks are, and I’m not condoning that, either–but pulling over? Pulling a knife? Apparently, they were rolling on the ground, on the shoulder of the highway, Zhou brandishing a knife, before a patrolman broke up the fight. It’s amazing that one or both of them didn’t get killed. That shit’s just plain stupid.
As much as your existence drains and sickens me, I often don’t have time to deal with you. What on earth would I do that for? I don’t like The View. I don’t like your face. I don’t enjoy wasting my Thanksgiving, totally bored, watching your brother-in-law’s loser football team choke like boring chickens under the Cowboys. Ultimately, talking to the poster child for starry-eyed, jingoist Conservatives is one pointless thing, dealing with your brand of pouty, petulant, nasal-voiced, ill-informed, ignorant mommies quite another–but both? At the same time? Hell no. Please do not sign me up for that futile afternoon activity.
So, not to put too much effort into thinking about you today, but it occurs to me after watching you slur your way through an insult of Deepak Chopra this week (video above)–flippantly telling him to “go light a bowl of insense”–that I actually do have something to say to you, after all.
GO FUCK YOURSELF. HARD. IN THE ANUS.
That is all.