DISGRASIAN™

Pretty Girrrls Make Boxes

During last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Ru announced one of my favorite challenges evvvaaarrr: each queen making their box pretty!

Nobody likes a boring box!

It was a PRETTY BOX exxxtravaganza, where Ru kept asking about the BOXES and cooing over the BOXES and delighting over scented BOXES and talking about how important a queen’s BOX is! After all, what’s more important than a drag queen’s box, you tell me? Nothin’!

GENIUS.

During the challenge, I was not surprised to see “Tyra” gettin’ bitchy with all of the other ladies, and complaining that everyone was copying her (she does so every time).

See the quickfire challenge at 3:45 of the video below:

Continue reading Pretty Girrrls Make Boxes

Filed under: Awesome, Bitch Fights, Boxes, Brilliant Reality Show Challenges, Copycats, Dirty Minds Think Alike, Drag Queens, Golden Box, Innuendo, Jujubee, Logo, Making Your Box Nice, Pretty Boxes, Queens, Reality TV, RuPaul, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2, Scented Boxes, Tyra

Conveyor Belt Of Love May Be The Greatest Awful Show Of All Time

Network television’s worst inside joke-turned-joke-turned-running joke-turned-joke pitch-turned pitch treatment-turned-idea going up the chain-turned-pilot order-turned-IDIOTIC DRIVEL THAT SOMEHOW SAW NETWORK AIRTIME ON ABC AND RESULTED IN A SERIES ORDER aired this week, and I missed it. Oh, darn.

Here’s the concept: Five single ladies choose from thirty single guys in a conveyor belt white elephant party. That is all you need to know.

Fortunately for me, my reality crap aficionado pals at Homo Shame alerted me as soon as they read about it, and I found the entire episode on Hulu.

That’s right, I watched it. And so can you:

Keep your eyes on Keiko during this episode. She’s bratty, opinionated, languid, not terribly bright and too pretty for her own good–also the first to proclaim disinterest in the “Filipino Criss Angel” on the belt, which may make you mad until you realize he sucks.

Keiko is a player-lover who chooses a hard body over intellect, disses the hot engineer with the 5 o’clock shadow in favor of an oily Speedo-wearer with a chihuahua, loves screwing, and in general gives this show the credit and seriousness it deserves–next to none. All in all, she’s the best part of the show (“Show” being an incredibly generous term, by the way).

Continue reading Conveyor Belt Of Love May Be The Greatest Awful Show Of All Time

Filed under: Bad ideas, Brats, Conveyor Belt Of Love, Cultural Lows, Filipino Criss Angel, Godawful Television Shows, Hard Bodies, Keiko, Reality TV, Single Dudes, Single Ladies, Stupid TV Ideas

White House Party Crash Test Dummies

News today: For crashing the White House state dinner, the oh-so-tawdry hobknobbers Tareq and Michaele Salahi have, as expected, been served with subpoenas–a decision made today by a congressional panel. The couple will face questioning on January 20 by the House of Representatives Homeland Security Committee.

Ruh Roh! Subpoena-oh!

Continue reading White House Party Crash Test Dummies

Filed under: Embarrassing, Fame Whores, House of Representatives Homeland Security Committee, Humiliasian, India, Michaele Salahi, Reality TV, Reality TV Wannabes, Ruh-Roh, Shameless Behavior, State Dinner, Tareq Salahi, Terrible Couples, The Salahis, The White House, White House Party Crashers, Whoopsieeee

Mom Is Scary For Terry On Tool Academy 2

I apologize, guys. I’m still watching Tool Academy 2 because the Reality TV Gods ignored my prayer, and that gross bastard Terry wasn’t cut when I asked. In fact, he somehow made the top 3.

But look, I don’t always need to get what I want. Who cares about elminasian when Asian parents might get involved? Just knowing that Terry would ultimately have to confront his cheating demons in front of Kate–Nicole’s awesome, loving-and-cool-yet-obviously-not-without-a-Hardass-laser-beam-glare mom–was enough to make me squeal like a pig with glee this VH1 week.

Watch Terry’s moment of truth (seated in therapy: Terry’s parents on his right, and Nicole’s baby bro and mom on her left) below:







It’s kind of the worst possible thing to imagine, right?  Reality camera crews and the eventual eyes of the nation might seem kind of non-judgmental when you’re knee deep in filming, I’m sure. But–whether cameras are on or off–nothing’s more shameful than saying that you can’t tame your dick in front of PARENTS. Especially parents that think you’re a JERK.

So you’d think in a moment so mortifying, Terry could have mustered a more realistic “I’m sorry,” right? Me too. But…nah.

[VH1: Family Weekend At Tool Academy]

Filed under: Awesome Mothers, Bastards, Cheating, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Parents, Moms, Reality TV, Shameful Behavior, Terry and Nicole, Therapy, Tool Academy, Tool Academy 2, Vh1, Ways to Not Look Sorry

Caption This: Jon Gosselin’s Halloween Costume

[via BuzzFeed]

Filed under: Douchebags, Fame Whores, Hailey Glassman, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Halloween Costume, Kate Gosselin, Octomom, Reality TV, Tabloids, The Gosselins

Caption This: Cheryl Burke And Tom DeLay On Dancing With The Stars

[photo via HuffPo]

Filed under: Cheryl Burke, Cocksuckers, Dancing With the Stars, DWTS, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Republicans, Stupid-Ass Texans, Texans, Tom DeLay

Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

Simpson Searches For Beauty

“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.

Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!

OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right?  Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand!  I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.

Continue reading Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Bindis, Boring Peope, Gwen Stefani, Has-Beens, Idiots, India, Jessica Simpson, ken paves, Losing "It", Mom Bikinis, Racial Drag, Reality TV, Sublebrities, The Price Of Beauty

The Balloon Boy Saga: A Lesson In Bad Acting

Well, we said Balloon Boy’s father, Richard Heene, was a bad actor, but little did we know that he actually went to school for that shit. During a press conference Sunday, when Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden officially declared the Balloon Boy incident a hoax, Alderden also mentioned that Richard and his wife Mayumi met at a Hollywood acting school. (Various sources confirm it was the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute in West Hollywood.)

With the Heenes now potentially facing felony criminal charges, the lesson here: BAD ACTING IS A CRIME after all.

But it still might pay. Because if, in fact, Richard and Mayumi “did this for the show,” to sell their family dysfunction as reality TV as people are saying–they already approached TLC a few months ago, but the Jon & Kate network passed–the Heenes may have a leg up on the competition, because everyone knows that bad acting is also the backbone of reality TV.

Just ask these clowns:

[CNN: Authorities: 'Balloon boy' incident was a hoax]

Source

Filed under: Bad Acting, Balloon Boy, Falcon Heene, Heidi Montag, Hoaxes, Mayumi Heene, Media Frenzy, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Richard Heene, Spencer Pratt, Wife Swap

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Balloon Boy Family

Lessons learned from yesterday’s Balloon Boy incident…

1) It only took one person to start the rumor–and the ensuing media frenzy we all used as an excuse to blow off work Thursday–that 6 year-old Falcon Heene was up in that shiny, oversized-birthday balloon. And that person was Falcon’s older brother, 9 year-old Bradford.

LESSON LEARNED: We should never believe anything that comes out of children’s mouths.

2) When the Heene family was later interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live, little Falcon dropped a bombshell that suggested the day’s events had been nothing but a carefully-planned hoax: “We did this for the show.”



LESSON LEARNED: We should believe everything that comes out of children’s mouths.

3) On Friday morning, when the Heene family was gently pressed by a kindly Meredith Vieira on The Today Show about Falcon’s bombshell statement, the 6 year-old vomited not once, but twice (around the 6:28 mark).

LESSON LEARNED: Vomiting on cue, unlike crying on cue, is a majorly underrated talent.

4)
LESSON LEARNED: Richard Heene is not as talented an actor as his puking-on-cue son, Falcon.

5) Our favorite blog patroness, Arianna Huffington, went on MSNBC’s The Ed Show Thursday afternoon to talk about this little thing called Afghanistan, but the interview was subsequently hijacked by the subject of Falcon Heene, who had, at that point, been found very much alive.

When Arianna, who later deemed Balloon Boy a “non-story,” asked host Ed Schultz, “Now that the little boy has been found, why are we still talking about it?” Schultz responded, somewhat scoldingly, that Balloon Boy was “a good lesson to parents across the country to make sure you always know where your kids are.”

Uh, right.

LESSON LEARNED: On second thought, there are no lessons to be learned from Balloon Boy.

Sigh. Well, we may have learned nothing whatsoever from Balloon Boy…

…but we still think Falcon Heene would make a seriously awesome Halloween costume.

Think about it. Run with the possibilities. Nay, fly! Fly on little Falcon Heene’s clipped wings!

LESSON LEARNED: When life hands you a Balloon Boy lemon, make Balloon Boy lemonade.

Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Attention Whores, Breaking News, Fake Scandals, Halloween, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, UFOs

Leave Him, Nicole! He’s Just A Tool. [Tool Academy Spoiler Alert?]

Dear Reality TV Gods,

I don’t ask for much, right? Most of the time I just check in, see how you’re doing, sacrifice a few hooker bitches in the fire pit, and call it a day.

But on this very special day, I’ve got one request. I’d like to pray for the elimination of one dude douche from Tool Academy 2 this week.

Terry “T Shaw,” Super Tool

The thing is, I’ve had my eye on this dork Terry all season, and assumed he’d be gone by now. For starters, he’s not cute enough for his too-nice-and-too-pretty girlfriend, Nicole (pictured, left). He’s not cute at all, IMHO (I suck at Interwebz acronymz and that’s my first time using “IMHO,” by the way–think it workz?), especially when you take his man boobs, white sunglasses, and poseur-popped collar into account. [shudders]

Listen, I know Nicole’s got a role in this too. She started dating this fool, and after lots of bad years is still willing to take it to the Academy to make the relationship work (Maybe she’s a doormat, but hey. she’s a telegenic one with resolve). However, she’s a woman looking at long years of potentially wasteful love–I feel like her judgment is impaired. After all, in just half her stay at the Tool Academy, she’s watched tape of her boyfriend doing bodyshots off of a bunch of dirrrty lady plants…

…witnessed her relationship being referred to as a “speed bump, not a stop sign,” then sat through her dude’s pathetic, foot-in-mouth speech about how she’s “not his type,” but that’s a “good” thing…

…and on and on. Then there was the nonsense of 2 weeks ago, when Terry lost his shit watching Nicole receive a cheesy hand massage from a gentleman recruited for a set-up date. And the madness of last week, when he used both therapy and a “romantic date” to tell Nicole that she was out of line and couldn’t be trusted.

Wait, SHE can’t be trusted?

All of the above is in addition to Terry’s bullying of Nicole through the entirety of a physical, arduous team competition that nearly made her vomit (Who cares about spew when you might win something?).

Gods, I’d honestly hoped that you’d do the right thing in episode 5 and dump Terry for being a little bitch. But you didn’t. You cut the giant tool for thrashing your set in prior episodes (weird).

Frankly, I’m not sure that I trust Nicole to cut him either. She should’ve walked out on Terry by now, in a glamorous exit of flipping the bird and yelling, “Fuck this stupid fake fucking VH1 school and, by the way, fuck fucking you, you fat, ugly, idiotic assfuck!” She should have, and she might. But I’m not convinced she’s there yet.

The thing is, I like Nicole. I feel bad for her, and I think she needs to take a step back and realize she’s way too good for this nonsense. She needs a self-esteem boost, and I feel like I’ve got tons of male buddies that would be willing to “boost” for her (Just call and say the word, lady!).

So this is where you come in, Gods. Let’s trash this fool. Please make him go out with such a bang this week that he weeps in the elimination, weeps on the podium, and weeps as Nicole dumps his stupid ass. May he never hold her hand again, or do body shots anywhere within a 3,000 mile vicinity of her perky little figure. She can do so much better. Can’t we all?

Thanks so much, and I’ll def be sacrificing more hooker bitches tonight!

Bye!

Amen,
Diana

[VH1 - Tool Academy]

Source Source Source

Filed under: Asian Fetish, Bad Relationships, Douchebags, Dumb Blondes, Eliminasian, Infidelity, Prayers, Reality TV, Tools, Vh1

Da Plane! Da Plane! Fantasy Island Gets A Reality Makeover

One of my favorite shows from childhood, Fantasy Island, is being remade…into reality TV. Variety reported today that the new version will center around 12 contestants competing to become the “real-life Mr. or Ms. Roarke,” by making the dreams of guests arriving on a weekly basis come true. Survivor creator Mark Burnett and Sony Pictures TV are behind the show.

Will the reality version of Fantasy Island deal with dark themes as the original did, like rape, suicide, and murder? Or will it be all about leis, suntans, and umbrella drinks?

More importantly, will there be a side(kick) competition to see who gets to be the real-life Mr. or Ms. Tattoo? Could be fun. Could be a hot mess. Let’s just wait and see.

[Variety: Sony, Burnett to visit 'Fantasy Island']

Source

Filed under: Childhood Obsessions, Mark Burnett, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Sidekicks, Survivor, Tattoos

Jon Gosselin Is Killed Off His Own Show

TLC announced Tuesday morning that, as of Nov. 2, Jon Gosselin will be dropped from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Can you imagine being KILLED OFF THE SHOW OF YOUR OWN LIFE?! Does that mean Jon Gosselin even exists anymore? While we’re at it, can he be deleted from our collective consciousness, too?

Meanwhile, TLC is currently in talks with Corey Haim, Matt LeBlanc, and Mario Lopez to replace Jon Gosselin in the role of Jon Gosselin, so as not to confuse viewers or the Gosselins’ eight young children.

[People: Jon Gosselin Dropped from Jon & Kate Plus 8]

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Filed under: Corey Haim, Douchebags, Douchery Doesn't Pay, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Dropped from Reality Show, Kate Plus 8, Mario Lopez, Matt LeBlanc, Reality TV, TLC