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Paris is Burning

November 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


PARIS (TO SELF): Damn, I look good.

PARIS’ SELF: They can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Who can?

PARIS’ SELF: Everyone. We’re in China. Billions of people can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Even though I’m wearing tights?

PARIS’ SELF: Yes.

PARIS (TO SELF): Oh, good. That’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Actually, I don’t think a qipao should ever be worn in such a way that the world can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Why not? It’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Let me correct that statement. No talentless white girl with a butter face and a flaccid ass should perform racial drag, just because she happens to be in Shanghai, by wearing a minidress that sort of resembles a qipao and rides up high to show her disgusting, drippy-looking rump.

PARIS (TO SELF): Oooomigod. You totally just said about 10 words I didn’t understand. What have you been doing with yourself, self?

PARIS’ SELF: Y’know, this and that.

PARIS (TO SELF): This and that? When you went out the other day you said you were going to go look at little dogs and shoes for me.

PARIS’ SELF: Well.

PARIS (TO SELF): Come closer. You smell like Chanel! Have you been hanging out with those DISGRASIAN girls again?

PARIS’ SELF: Um.

PARIS (TO SELF): You are! You know I don’t like them. They point out my body flaws. They’ve called me a cultural low.

PARIS’ SELF: They’ve seen your ass up close in a bikini and maintain that it’s falling faster than the stock market in 1929.

PARIS (TO SELF): The what in the what?

PARIS’ SELF: My god, you’re meaningless.

PARIS (TO SELF): I’m what?

PARIS’ SELF: This is a little too existential for you.

PARIS (TO SELF): This is too what and the who?

PARIS’ SELF: Burn this dress.

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Shanghai Surprizzze

November 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
“So, like, you just suck the juice out? I’m really good at that!”


Paris Hilton is in Shanghai to inexplicably host the MTV Style Gala, which will honor China’s leading fashists tonight. At a news conference promoting the awards show, Paris made really really smart comments about the “Paris of the East” like, “Shanghai looks like the future!” She also racial dragged it up in a qipao mini holding a portrait of her and a Panda.

I wish my 88 year-old grandmother could see this. Unfortunately, her only news source is the Chinese newspaper, she doesn’t know what the internet is, so she is one of the lucky few who doesn’t know who Paris Hilton is either. But if she did, she wouldn’t hug her like this lady did in Yu Yuan Gardens, a Shanghai tourist attraction…

…instead, my waipuo would grab that skinny bitch, throw her over her creaky knees, and beat the shit out of her ass with a hard hairbrush.

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Thanks Greenie!

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