You are currently browsing posts tagged with Pussycat Dolls

Nicole Scherzinger, You Are the Reason that We Breathe

March 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


“Hello, beautiful people. Nicole Scherzinger–that’s Shurrrzinger–here. I hope you caught our beautiful performance of “Jai Ho” last night on Jimmy Fallon. Gratuitous boob-touching and prayer hands were flyin’ all over the place. No, I’m not Indian, but I am so honored that people think I am, and that I represent to the world all of the beautiful plethora multitudinous diversely cultures within it, because when I was growing up, there was no one who looked like me, and people called me names, and I wasn’t told I was beautiful, even though inside I knew that I had a light shining in me, and I was special, and one day everyone would see that light and see the real ‘Nicole,’ and all that was beauty and harmony and unicorns. And how mad-wicked is this bindi? It represents something beautiful and…uh…uh…beauty…and…please everyone go buy our single.”

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Thanks, Jack!

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MTV A-Cha

July 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


MTV has announced that the The Pussycat Dolls will be the opening act of the upcoming MTV Asia awards.

Says the press release:

Asian audiences will experience for themselves a spectacular concert performance in typical Pussycat Dolls fashion, complete with visually extraordinary elements like fireworks displays, flashy costumes and amazing dance moves by the girls.

The performance will be The Dolls’ first in Asia. Are our overseas brethren really ready to be flashed?

All I can say is: if ever there was a time to develop a continent-sized condom, NOW IS THAT TIME.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Butt Out!

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Nicole: That dime slot is lookin’ more suitable for a half-dollar.

Celebrity blogger Just Jared just posted some highlights of Nicole Scherzinger’s recent interview with Blender Magazine, in which she touts her forthcoming solo album, Her Name is Nicole. Even though she’s only partly Asian, I thought I’d help some of you understand what she’s trying to say, lest there be some complications due to the language barrier:

You honestly don’t think that the way the Dolls dress or dance can be described as naughty or raunchy? Never. Never in a million, bazillion, trazillion years. (pauses) Did you see my face? I didn’t even blink.

TRANSLASIAN
: I led a very unhappy childhood.

Are you a fembot? (Like one of the mechanical girls in Austin Powers movies whose only purpose is to give pleasure): No. But I can play that role really well.

TRANSLASIAN
: I have very low aspirations.

On how on-screen crushes are just that: “You get these crushes on guys, and then you meet them and you realize you just loved the role they were playing. Like, who doesn’t love Ryan Gosling after you see ‘The Notebook’? Then you meet the person and you’re like, ‘Huh? What?’”

TRANSLASIAN: I am a total idiot and a worthless celebrity. I am so insecure that I can’t even recognize that Ryan Gosling is our generation’s Brando. Okay, Ryan Gosling wouldn’t screw me. Okay, he would even stand near me at that one party for fear that we would be photographed together. I am a lonely, sad, empty person.

On her solo album release: “I need total focus, total concentration, total centering, because this album is everything I’ve been working for my whole life. You get one chance, and this is my chance.”

TRANSLASIAN: I didn’t write a word on this album and I can’t dance. Please buy my record or else I’ll end up getting fat on a combo of Jamba Juice and Cheese curls, and then I’ll want to slit my wrists. My manager wouldn’t let me put the word “Pussy” in my album title and I think it’ll ruin my career. I am totally freaking out. Look at my ass!

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Bad Pussy. Cat.

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Love you long time!!!”

Hmm. There must be a poetic way to say this.

Nicole Scherzinger, you are indeed a looker.
Nicole Scherzinger, you remind me of a hooker.
Darling Nikki is a Nikki, and quite a masturbater.
You are also a Nikki, with the talent of a tater.
I watched you this week on So You Think You can Dance,
So you’re inclined to squat when you’re not wearing pants?!
So shocked were my eyes when I watched for your grooves
Only to find you’ve got no special moves.
Listening closer, I heard more of the song.
I heard a weak line, and thought, “Girl, tha’s jus’ WRONG!”
Do you or don’t you say “love you long time?”
Way to ka-ching chong your way out of a rhyme!
Now, interest piqued, I sought out the song’s vid,
Only to see what you tastelessly did.
Yoga asana as “come hither” poses,
Why do the Eagle pose? Nobody knows this.
What it all boils down to is you’re a disgrace,
Your stink and your stank skank up all of this place.
And it’s quite a shame, ’cause you’ve got a rock body,
But you’re most of all useless and hooker-ish naughty.
Bye for now Nikki, and your slot like a dime,
Think twice next time before “loving long time.”

Watch SYTYCD.
Watch the “Whatever You Like” video.
Then puke.

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Thanks, jRu!

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I Call Shenanasians

July 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

After all of CW’s tireless searching for the Pussycat Dolls’ Next Doll, Season One of The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll winner Asia Nitollano has announced that she is embarking on a solo career in lieu of touring with the group.

Was this some sort of trick? Does this mean they were never actually searching for the Next Doll after all? If so, all of my perception of truth has been shattered.

Moving on.

Um, I realize that the new season is already under production, but I move that we re-title the series The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Scantily-Clad Mediocre Talent That Can’t Really Dance or Sing But Eventually Wants to Be Photographed Frequently and Sing For Audiences, Sorta.

Kinda has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?

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Dontcha Wish They Had Some Other Song?

April 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Thankfully, Those dedicated Pussycat Dolls did not relent in their tireless search for the next “Doll,” and at long last, they’ve finally found her.

It’s Asia Nitallano, who we fortuitously examined in an earlier post (See the March 15 post: ‘It’s a Continent, You Fools’). An 18-year old former Knicks dancer and the daughter of Afro-Filipino American Latin musician Joe Bataan, Asia clawed, cawed, and grinded her way to the top, stuffing her sheltered-turned-sexy Asian adversary Melissa into the ground during the final sing-off round. Sure, Asia can’t sing or dance with much grace, but she has sass and charisma, and judge Lil’ Kim was there to confirm it.

Immediately after learning she had one, Asia joined the rest of the Pussycats for another torturous round of that hookless hit that won’t die. Watch the performance here:


Phew! Looks like fitting in won’t be too hard.

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It’s a Continent, You Fools.

March 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The CW Network is currently aiding the planet in what is quite possibly the most imperative search ever to rest its hopes in the hungrily awaiting arms of reality television… that for the next Pussycat Doll.

Of course I’ve asked myself, does the world really need one more Pussycat Doll? I’m still having trouble identifying them in any other way than “that lead one” and “those other ones.”

I mean, I am a teensy bit fascinated by “that lead one”–a vixen (who, like the others, can’t really sing but has an incredible looking rump) named Nicole Scherzinger, who has undergone so many stage name makeovers that not even her pinky seems to be half-Filipino anymore.

Anyway, if you’ve watched The Search for the Next Doll at all, you may have noticed that there is a talented, attractive 18-year old African-American Knick City Dancer from New York.

Her name is……ASIA. It may be very well be her stage name (bad), I’ll give her, but it may very well be her given name (worse).

Let’s discuss this a bit. I’ve known a Jordan, a Chad, and God Bless any woman named Tennessee. But it’s sketchy territory taking on the name of a location– a state, a country perhaps. But Asia? Really?

This Asia did it. But they’re PROG!

Asia Carrera did it, but she’s a PORN STAR. And check out the title she replaced: Jessica Andrea Steinhauser. Blick, that name cultivates images of bible study, not blow jobs.

You, ASIA, don’t actually rock and you are but a contestant for a soft-core-porn-homage pop group. Unfortunately, you don’t yet carry the massive weight required to wield the autograph of fifty-two countries (roughly 4 billion people). Don’tcha wish you were a little more like Name-Changy-Nicole? Then how ’bout a new stage moniker… I’ll even make the first suggestion: BADOW SASSAFRASS.

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