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Taking The "Man" Out Of "Man-Briefs"
Y’all, listen. I have a very serious question to ask you.
Would you fuck a man who was wearing these drawers?
Just checkin’.
Filed under: Crotch, Fetishes, Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty For Men, Pussy
Swimming With Sharks
The only person we think should challenge BenRoethlisberger to a chess game, and his “stalker”
All of this–the mistasian identity, the objectificasian, the public dismissal–is degrading enough for the poor miss. But the gossip douchtards at I Don’t Like You In That Way took it a step further:
“Michael Phelps is dating an Asian chick, and here he is with some fug Asian chick at LAX earlier this week. Phelps claims this isn’t his girlfriend, and she’s just some stalker, so who knows if it is or not, but I’m mostly concerned with the fact that this thing with the giant implants could even pass for his girlfriend. Phelps has 8 gold medals – he isn’t Wesley Snipes. He should be dating Swedish models or Russian teenagers, not some chick who gives massages and happy endings at a strip mall.”
Listen, I know y’all are about ready to watch me erupt with fury or bust some heads ‘n shit, but I’m not gonna. In my life, I’ve learned a some very important lessons. Here are a select few:
- Never have sex near poison oak (Don’t worry, guys; this one I learned secondhand).
- When a dog is acting out, it most likely needs more exercise.
- When talking shit out with a friend, always say stuff like: “I think” or “I feel” instead of “You are an asswipe jizzface.” (For example, try “Sometimes, because of the fucked up things I feel you do, I think of you as an asswipe jizzface.”)
- Be nice to your parents as soon as they can’t ground you. They deserve it.
- Never get too angry and defensive about what any blogger says, particularly any celebrity blogger. There’s a very low bar and it’s an awfully fast forum–just start your own blog and call them a douche. It’s how we roll!
- Any dude that talks about Asian ladies as somehow sub-par to brainless Baltic models, and only good for happy endings, is likely to have a grey, crooked, tiny, wrinkly dick. And they have definitely never tapped any primo, first-class, top-notch, grade-A Asian pussy. Trust me.
Filed under: Adding Insult to Injury, Bloggers, Caroline Caz Pal, Circus Tits, Degradasian, Grapevines, Michael Phelps, Mistasian Identity, Pussy, Tiny Penises
ROCK BAND OF ASIAN: No Fail Mode
No Fail Mode is the name of an emo band. They aren’t very good, but what they lack in musicianship and good lyrics, they make up for with earnestness and eyeliner. They wouldn’t be caught dead in anything other than skinny jeans, and they are not above nicking your hair product.
No Fail Mode is the name of a nu metal band. Their idols are System of a Down. They like wearing a lot of black, because they’re serious, and they sing about political issues like fighting the power and whatnot. They are not afraid to hug each other and talk things out, something they learned by watching that Metallica documentary. Hugging can be hardcore, too.
No Fail Mode is the name of a Christian hard rock group. Their name vaguely references Isaiah 42:4: “He shall not fail nor be discouraged, till he have set judgment in the earth.” They think tattoos, piercings, smoking, and gays are things that God is okay with. When they pray together before shows, they not only pray for lost souls but for the crossover potential of Creed.
No Fail Mode is the opposite of You Fail It and does not do anything for the lulz.
No Fail Mode is also a Rock Band 2 option (under “EXTRAS” in the Main Menu). No matter how hard you suck, unlike in regular mode, you won’t fail and get booed off the stage. It is for gamers who don’t really want to game. It is for people at parties who want to rock out on plastic instruments without looking bad and are weirdly unaware that that is a built-in impossibility. (Do you realize that that thing’s plastic and has unicorn stickers all over it because I have a sticker fetish? Play “Shackler’s Revenge” already and embrace the inherent inanity, for fuck’s sake.) It is for people who think Rock Band is “just a game.” It is for those who believe Rock Band is “social.” It is for your agent, the idiot kid you babysat for who cried when you didn’t let him win, somebody’s mom (not ours though–they’re competitive as shit). It is for people who are allergic to failure but too lazy or inept to prevent it from happening themselves.
No Fail Mode, in other words, is for pussies. We do not approve.
Filed under: Allergic to Failure, Emo, Failure Is Not an Option That's Why You Should Work Harder, Game Settings, Losers, No Fail Mode, Pussy, Rock Band, Sounding Like My Hardass Asian Parents, You Fail It
Alaskan Pussy Must Be the Cat’s Pajamas
The feminist (Sorry for using the F-word, Jen! I had to…) blog Womanist Musings recently posted in protest of one of Margaret Cho’s MySpace blog entries, in which she describes her desire to do bad things (like eat “Alaskan pussy from behind”) to Sarah Palin.
Their beef with Cho:
Patriarchy continually reduces women to fuckable objects; and for a woman to perform the same behaviour is collusion. Shit like this is exactly why women continue to be marginalized and oppressed. This is not liberating or empowering; it says to the world that that the only thing valuable about us is the gadget between our legs. I am all for women demanding orgasms and being sexual beings but this kind of commentary is just pussy pandering to titillate the patriarchal imagination.
Sarah Palin: Not Just A Sexy Secretary
Listen–I’m with Womanist! THE ONLY THING VALUABLE ABOUT SARAH PALIN IS NOT THE GADGET BETWEEN HER LEGS!!!
She has a mouth, too. And she should use it to EAT ME.
Source Source Source Source Source
Thanks, Jasmine!
Filed under: Beef, Can't We All Just Get Along? Hell To the Naw, Collusion, Feminism is Dead, Margaret Cho, Pussy, Sarah Palin
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Dunkin’ Donuts
Mmm, what’s more delicious than a hot cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee? That beautiful black tar has yanked me out of some of my most vicious New York hangovers, warmed my fingertips on the coldest of Chicago days, and–because my pal Jim’s parents are kind enough to FedEx him bags of grounds–gotten me through angry work days in Los Angeles. In a train, in a car, in my friend Pete’s house, outside my favorite corner bar. It is the universal coffee of happy goodness, rich, nutty, everyday yumminess.
And when I mean “hot cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee,” I don’t mean that wicked gross-looking, milky, iced variety that Rachael Ray was touting in recent DD commercial:
Yes, that’s right! I am offended by the stupid iced latte Ray is wearing in that picture. What a bastardizasian of good coffee! What an abominasian in the world of espresso! What a face-spittle on American coffee values!
Oh, and that purse/scarf combo? That’s a distracting bunch of accessories, I guess. Hardly as distracting as that offensive cup of joe.
Our favorite barking dog Michelle Malkin (and a bunch of her other fucktarded conserva-freak friends) was distracted by the scarf too. She yapped all week about how problematic she found it, on her infinite pile of worthless, conservative drivel blog (Ed. note– I can’t bring myself to link to it, so if you want to see, you’ll have to find it yourself):
[I]t was with some dismay that I learned last week that Dunkin Donuts’ spokeswoman Rachael Ray, the ubiquitous TV hostess, posed for one of the company’s ads in what appeared to be a black-and-white keffiyeh.
The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not-so-ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.
In response, Dunkin’ Donuts yielded and yanked the ads, even though they clarified that the scarf was merely a paisley print. The Boston Globe printed an excerpt of the official statement:
“In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.”
I’m not surprised, but I am just delighted!
Why, you ask? Because I, too, think that everyone should believe all of the bullshit fear-mongering hype?
No, because I love animals!
And here, all in one cuddly room, we’ve got Michelle Malkin and her bunch of barking dogs… and Dunkin’ Donuts… a bunch of PUSSIES.
Who wants a flea bath?
Source Source Source
Thanks, Jasmine and the rest of you rabble-rousers!
Filed under: Animals are a Reliable Source of Joy and Awe, Conservatards, Dunkin' Donuts Coffee, Fear-Mongers, Michelle Malkin, Pussy, Rachael Ray, The War On Terror, This is Bullshit, Yummy Things
The Incredible Shrinking Pussy
Hello Kitty in Christian Dior
Reuters reported today that Hello Kitty is the latest cartoon celeb to seek treatment for an undisclosed eating disorder. The pussy icon had been photographed looking noticeably thinner in recent months and will be appearing next in the May issue of Japanese Vogue, modeling Dior’s fall collection.
Friends say that the Vogue fashion spread put pressure on the “normal-sized” kitty to shed weight, although it was not the sole cause of her eating disorder. One source close to HK said on condition of anonymity:
“She’s anorexic. It’s been obvious to her friends and colleagues for quite some time. I mean, duh? Look at her mouth. Have you ever seen it open? Much less filled with food?”
Hello Kitty has entered a treatment facility in Utah that has also helped actress Mary-Kate Olsen. Hello Kitty’s publicist, Sue Shimasawa, who, like her client, has no mouth, could not be reached for comment.
“I hate all of these skinny bitches!”
Click here for full story.
Source
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Thanks, Ken!
Thanks for the pic, Jasmine!
Filed under: Eating Disorders, Hello Kitty, Pussy, Skinny Bitches, Unfunny Stuff, Vogue is French for Ugly
Look at the World Through Hello Kitty-Colored Contact Lenses
Why?
Because:
a) You like scaring the bejeezus out of coworkers.
b) You are a dude unafraid of his feminine side.
c) You had an unhappy childhood.
d) You find it hard to resist anything with a pussy on it.
Filed under: Death to Hello Kitty, Feminine Sides, I Don't Get It, Pussy, Unhappy Childhoods, Weird Sanrio Behavior, Why?
