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Mow the Lawn = Trim Your Lady Pubes

April 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I am completely obsessed with the following UK commercial for the Wilkinson-Sword Quattro for Women Bikini (it’s called the Schick Quattro for Women TrimStyle in the US), aka the Lady Pube-Trimmer:

My favorite things in this video:

  1. The hairy pussy in the woman’s lap at the beginning (0:05)
  2. The lyric “Whenever I see a weed/I mow that rascal down/So all that’s left for me to see are/Tulips on the mound” (0:39)
  3. That leaf getting blown off the crotch of the marble statue by a pink leafblower
  4. The fondling of the denuded pussy at the end (0:57)
  5. The jingle, of course

Sure, the commersh traffics in some major stereotypes–the black chick has a “really big” bush and the Asian chick has a “mighty small” one, and the admission of that makes her teehee and cover her mouth as she tends a bonsai tree–and I suppose I’d care if I could only stop giggling myself.

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The Shinjuku Incident: Too Violent for the Mainland

February 18th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

It was announced this week that Jackie Chan’s next movie, The Shinjuku Incident, will not be released in mainland China because it is too violent. See the trailer below:

This sounds like a clever marketing ploy–the movie will be released on April 2 in Hong Kong and May 1 in Japan–but consider me hooked. Not only will it be refreshing to see Jackie in a good movie for a change, but Shinjuku Incident also costars American-born actor Daniel Wu, who’s made quite a career for himself in Chinese-language cinema, despite only learning Cantonese ten years ago. If you’re not familiar with Wu, start by staring at this picture, and then go from there:

wUUt wUUt!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: World Series Fashion Trends and Their Presidential Parallels

October 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The World Series started Wednesday, and since the Red Sox are out, I wasn’t planning on watching. Except, as with the Academy Awards, the Series has a hold over me that is hard to shake, no matter how much it blows (or how much I hate the Rays one or both of the teams). So this year, I thought I would watch it much like I do the Oscars (or Project Runway)–to see what people are wearing. I know, it sounds a little batshit. But if you’ve watched as much baseball as I have, you know that when you’re heart’s not in the game itself, you have to find something to keep your interest. Of course, when I started thinking about it, it occurred to me that there were some eerie parallels between the World Series and the presidential election, which I’m also aware sounds a little batshit. So bear with me here…and let’s play ball!

Mohawks versus Mullets


In the World Series hair department, the primary trend matchup is Mohawks versus Mullets. Toward the end of the regular season, many Tampa Bay Rays players–and their 54 year-old manager, Joe Maddon–gave themselves “The Rayhawk” to demonstrate team unity. While the Phillies’ don’t have uniform ‘dos, Game 1 starting pitcher and NLCS MVP, Cole Hamels, and outfielder Jayson Werth (pictured) share a hairstyle that borrows its name from another sport: “Hockey Hair.” The two prevailing styles are, by all appearances, totally different–punks versus pucks, Joe Strummer versus Joe the Plumber–yet they both would have you believe that the person wearing them is a rebel, a freethinker, a maverick, an agent of change, and an outsider to the Clean-Cut Establishment.

Man-Hugs and Chin-Pubes


With so much attention brought to specific voter groups this election, whether they be young, old, black, Latino, Asian-American, or your Jewish grandparents, there was perhaps no group more sought after than women voters. Wasn’t that why an unknown female governor from an obscure, underpopulated state that your “average American” has never been to was brought into the race? Baseball players in this year’s Series are also getting in touch with their feminine side, whether it’s hugging it out on the field after a win, or proudly wearing what most closely resembles a slightly overgrown bikini wax on their chins.

Flat versus Curled Brims


The flat hat brim is for the fake American who lives in the big city, an urban dweller too busy with their fake life to be hard-working, patriotic or pro-America, who feeds their family with peppery, bitter lettuces foraged from Whole Foods. The curled hat brim is for the real American who lives in a small town, in a wonderful little pocket of real America, who feeds their family through their real core values, like hunting, fishing, and getting real animal carcass-blood on their hands and clothes. The flat hat brim’s origin is the streets, hip-hop, pop culture, and cool; the curled hat brim’s is the country, country music, a culture of “actual responsibilities,” and true grit. The curled hat brim is bending under the weight of its profound realness, a burden that the flat hat brim, in all of its smart eloquence, will never understand. The curled hat brim says, “God Bless America,” and the flat hat brim, well, it occasionally “palls around” with terrorists…plural.

Swing State Batter Batter Batter, Swing State Batter

Phillies fans (L), Rays players rallying for Obama (R)

Perhaps the most enduring World Series trend that we may get a glimpse of this year is the fact that winning often hinges on just One Big Swing. One side can seem like they’re totally out of the game and then thwack!–victory is once again up for grabs. Both World Series teams also happen to be from two important swing states, Florida and Pennsylvania. Kinda puts a new spin on the idea of a state being “in play,” doesn’t it?

Not that America’s pastime has any bearing on, like, who our next American president will be. Or does it? The first World Series pitch has already been thrown out, and I’d rather watch the game, as much as my heart’s not in it this year, than talk any more about politics. So I’ll let you readers decide…Mullets in 5? Chin-Pubes in 7? Obama in 286?

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Michelle Merkin Musings

July 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Michelle Malkin doesn’t know what a “gherkin” is. Yesterday, she posted a 60 Minutes interview with the Obamas during which Barack made tuna fish sandwiches for his family with chopped-up gherkins in them and wrote, “(D)on’t ask me what those are, I have no idea.” Is Michelle politicizing food again? Does she think tiny pickles are elitist, too? Or is she a Size Queen? Perhaps pickles are too sour for her sweet constitution. Or she doesn’t own a dictionary. You would think that, as a blogger, she’d be hip to this newfangled thing called Wikipedia. Or maybe it’s that the word “gherkin” is Persian in origin…and we know how she feels about Persians. Persians are foreign. Persians are terrorists. In which case, I gather Michelle doesn’t use the words “candy,” “lemon,” “pajama,” or “sugar” either, since they’re Persian, too. What did Michelle eat when she was pregnant? Non-elitist pickles? Like, Vlasic or something? I guess she doesn’t realize that even Vlasic makes gherkins, too. Maybe we should send some over to her, extending those tiny pickles like an olive branch? “Malkin” and “gherkin”–they actually share the same suffix! And when you combine them, you get the delightful word “merkin.” I know, I know, a merkin really has nothing to do with any of this, but for some reason, as I was thinking of Michelle Malkin and her problem with tiny pickles, a pubic hair-wig just happened to come to mind.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

May 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Happy 26th Birthday, Apolo Anton Ohno! We can’t believe how much you’ve already accomplished at such a young age (by the way, thanks for making us look bad to our moms). Hopefully this year will be another fruitful one… as well as the year you finally shave those god awful pubes off of your face.

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No More Ninjas

March 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’m officially over ninjas. I don’t want to hear anything more about Pirates versus Ninjas, Ninja M.D.s, the Kawasaki Ninja, Ninja Cheerleaders, or Ninja perfume. I’ve decided, however, that it’s still okay to dress up as a ninja if you’re cute and little, like these adorable Japanese children:

But the cutoff age for ninjaphilia ought to mirror that for trick-or-treating–right around when you start getting pubes. Ya hear that, Ask a Ninja?

Of course, if there is a Ninja Festival taking place, like in Mie Prefecture, Japan, and, for a month, all ninjas ride the train for free, I suppose I could make another exception.

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