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Leave Him, Nicole! He’s Just A Tool. [Tool Academy Spoiler Alert?]

October 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Reality TV Gods,

I don’t ask for much, right? Most of the time I just check in, see how you’re doing, sacrifice a few hooker bitches in the fire pit, and call it a day.

But on this very special day, I’ve got one request. I’d like to pray for the elimination of one dude douche from Tool Academy 2 this week.

Terry “T Shaw,” Super Tool

The thing is, I’ve had my eye on this dork Terry all season, and assumed he’d be gone by now. For starters, he’s not cute enough for his too-nice-and-too-pretty girlfriend, Nicole (pictured, left). He’s not cute at all, IMHO (I suck at Interwebz acronymz and that’s my first time using “IMHO,” by the way–think it workz?), especially when you take his man boobs, white sunglasses, and poseur-popped collar into account. [shudders]

Listen, I know Nicole’s got a role in this too. She started dating this fool, and after lots of bad years is still willing to take it to the Academy to make the relationship work (Maybe she’s a doormat, but hey. she’s a telegenic one with resolve). However, she’s a woman looking at long years of potentially wasteful love–I feel like her judgment is impaired. After all, in just half her stay at the Tool Academy, she’s watched tape of her boyfriend doing bodyshots off of a bunch of dirrrty lady plants…


…witnessed her relationship being referred to as a “speed bump, not a stop sign,” then sat through her dude’s pathetic, foot-in-mouth speech about how she’s “not his type,” but that’s a “good” thing…

…and on and on. Then there was the nonsense of 2 weeks ago, when Terry lost his shit watching Nicole receive a cheesy hand massage from a gentleman recruited for a set-up date. And the madness of last week, when he used both therapy and a “romantic date” to tell Nicole that she was out of line and couldn’t be trusted.

Wait, SHE can’t be trusted?

All of the above is in addition to Terry’s bullying of Nicole through the entirety of a physical, arduous team competition that nearly made her vomit (Who cares about spew when you might win something?).

Gods, I’d honestly hoped that you’d do the right thing in episode 5 and dump Terry for being a little bitch. But you didn’t. You cut the giant tool for thrashing your set in prior episodes (weird).

Frankly, I’m not sure that I trust Nicole to cut him either. She should’ve walked out on Terry by now, in a glamorous exit of flipping the bird and yelling, “Fuck this stupid fake fucking VH1 school and, by the way, fuck fucking you, you fat, ugly, idiotic assfuck!” She should have, and she might. But I’m not convinced she’s there yet.

The thing is, I like Nicole. I feel bad for her, and I think she needs to take a step back and realize she’s way too good for this nonsense. She needs a self-esteem boost, and I feel like I’ve got tons of male buddies that would be willing to “boost” for her (Just call and say the word, lady!).

So this is where you come in, Gods. Let’s trash this fool. Please make him go out with such a bang this week that he weeps in the elimination, weeps on the podium, and weeps as Nicole dumps his stupid ass. May he never hold her hand again, or do body shots anywhere within a 3,000 mile vicinity of her perky little figure. She can do so much better. Can’t we all?

Thanks so much, and I’ll def be sacrificing more hooker bitches tonight!

Bye!

Amen,
Diana

[VH1 - Tool Academy]

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Onch’a Wish Your Best Friend Was Paris Hilton? Onch’a?

June 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, season deux, debuted last night.


And despite all of my wishes, prayers, hopes and dreams, the set’s “throne” chair did not suddenly morph into a slobbering mound of feral, starving, sharp-toothed, snapping, diseased, angry labia that instantly/simultaneously enveloped and digested Paris (and that little piss, Onch) in one smelly, violent bite.

That seriously would have been the best thing ever. Ever.

[via Buddy TV]

Source (nice typo, MTV!)
Thanks, Jasmine!

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Nice Tatas

March 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Automobile God,

Please, please, please, please, please send me one of the new, teeny-tiny Tata Nano cars, which debuted in Mumbai this week.


I know that I accidentally killed my iPod Nano by drunkenly irresponsibly dropping it into a crevice of my car–where it was later crushed beyond recognition by a moving part. But I’m different now! I am ready to take care of something cute and crushable, for real this time.

If I got a Tata Nano, I would love it, clean it, cuddle with it, give it fresh fuel every day. Ooh! And I would cawess its wittle steewing wheel and tell it how adowable it is, all the time! I would bring it to meet other wittle Nanos, and they could woll awound together. I would give it a name, like “Dano,” so that it could be known as “Dano,” The Wee Nano. What a sweet, sweet, wittle baby Nano I would waise!

I realize that these darling cars are in high demand, but I hope you can find a way to bestow one upon me. I prayed to the Technology God once, and he or she gave Jen an iPhone 3G. But I promise if you answer this request, I will pray to you more than once. Maybe three times!

Thanks in advance, and I can’t wait to get my Nano.

Love,
Diana

[LA Times: India's Tata Motors Unveils the World's Cheapest Car]

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Oh Gods, Oh Gods, Are You There?

December 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Those of you that have been with us for awhile know DISGRASIAN’s football history of solidarity. One of us a Cowboy, the other a Steeler, but somehow we’ve always made it work.

Truth be told, it’s been a lot easier for us to do this over the last handful of years because our teams haven’t even played each other since October of 2004. What’s a rivalry without a faceoff, we ask you? Old history.

But on Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys and Pittsburgh Steelers will meet at the line of scrimmage. Shit, muthafuckaz! What more can we do than leave this one to the gods?

Let us pray:

From: Jen
Date: December 5, 2008

Dear Football Gods,

Um, hai. Let me put this to you as respectfully as I can: WHATTHEFUCK?! How could you pit my Cowboys against Diana’s Steelers this Sunday? Did you not get my last letter about the delicate art of preserving friendship and how it is painful, bordering on immoral, for me to root against smiley Hines Ward and sexy Troy Polamalu and people with disabilities, like brain-damaged Ben Roethlisberger?…

From: Diana
Date: December 5, 2008

Helloooo Football Gods!

Sorry I haven’t been in touch lately and thanks so much for the Pats and Bengals victories! I’m really sorry I lagged on person-to-Gods contact earlier this season when we faced the Colts, and understand what you were telling me when Ben Roethlisberger threw all of those stupid interceptions. Thank you, Gods, for teaching me the value of humility through the occasional failures of my QB and offensive line.

So let’s talk about this weekend, because now… we face the Cowboys. I probably have more Cowboy fan friends than any other lady that bleeds black and gold in the country–but you know who the most important one is: Jen. There’s got to be a way for this to turn out well, and only you know how…

…You and I both know that this is a pathetically transparent ratings ploy and nothing more. All the talk about this “historic rivalry” and the battle between good and evil is as archaic as a rotary-dial phone. The real drama between our two teams died in the 70′s, along with the popularity of polyester clothing, and I was too young and Diana was too unborn to even remember it. Plus, the interception-party that was Super Bowl XXX was really humiliating enough for the Steelers to make all of us Cowboy fans go, in perpetuity, “Steel Curtain Schmurtain…”
…Listen, I wasn’t even alive in the seventies, and certainly was not eating chips during Super Bowl X and Super Bowl XIII. What do I care about that old-school news? Only my three older sisters give a rat’s behind about caca like that, and lawd knows I don’t aspire to think/act/work/decorate/drive/speak/shit like my sisters. And yes, losing Super Bowl XXX sucked when I was in junior high–but if you think about it, me and my guys have already celebrated a new ring in the new millennium; Dallas is still polishing up that bauble from the nineties. Do you remember the nineties? Blazers, rollerblades, Soundgarden and Blossom were in fashion. You can’t trust a decade like that…
…To be perfectly honest, I’ve never given a rat’s ass about the Steelers. As a decades-long Cowboy fan, I’ve been nourished solely by my hate for the Philadelphia Eagles, the Washington Redskins, the San Francisco 49ers (because of Montana, my childhood-dream killer), and the New York Giants, in that order…
…After all, shouldn’t we all just pull together and focus on taking down the real shitheads of this league? Colts. Pats. Giants. Jaguars. Browns. Eagles. Texans. Redskins. Say what you will about how good they are–to me, they’re all a bunch of douchnozzles. I want to punch them all in the neck meat! Fuzz ‘em all…
…Dudes, I don’t even have the time to hate on the Steelers because I gotta do other stuff to live and breathe and be a member of the human race, like blog and eat dinner and get the occasional pedicure. I am still barely able to acknowledge that the AFC is a conference, despite its supremacy over the last 10 years, because the NFL of my dreams, my subconscious, my very fiber of being, is 8 years old, garbed in Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader satin, thinking existentially about football, specifically about what exactly is the raison d’etre of teams like the Dolphins and the Chiefs and the Bills and the Bengals, other than to be our–the NFC’s–little bitch.
…You know what? When it comes down to it, I’m not sure I care who wins on Sunday. There are so many other things to worry about–most importantly, DISGRASIAN’s quest for world dominasian. Regardless of who scores the most this weekend, it means that either Jen or I can be a winner, and as long as one of us is winning (and everrrybody else is losing), we’re all good in the hood, yo…
Given what I’ve just told you, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m fine with you giving the game to Diana. We lead this “historic rivalry” 15-14, and a Steelers win on Sunday would tie things up, and that would make her very happy. More importantly, a Steelers loss would hurt her more than a Cowboys loss would me. I mean, Hurt Schmurt, I lived through Danny White–the Drew Bledsoe of his time–and watched The Catch on live television, remember? And yeah, we need the win to stay in playoff contention, but I think we’ll finish strong anyway (provided we get Marion Barber back soon–see what you can do about that, please). Really, I’d hate to burst Diana’s sweetly innocent bubble more than I’d hate losing to her team.

Do you think this qualifies as me being “the bigger person” and will it get me into Football Heaven? Just checking, cuz I really really want to go to Football Heaven.

Amen,
Jen

Y’know what? Fuck it. Give the game to Jen–first of all, this is her birthday weekend! It would be really shitty if she didn’t have this to celebrate. Anyway, my guys are looking just fine in our division–all I care about at this point is the playoffs.

But just one last thing: please, please, please just don’t let Ben throw a ton of embarrassing interceptions, okay? I still have to show up to HQ with my head held high on Monday morning.

Amen,
Diana

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