DISGRASIAN™

The Problem with Gun Control

The Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday about the constitutionality of D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership. Experts believe that the Court’s decision will, in the hallowed words of Posh Spice, be “Major” in the gun rights v. gun control debate for years to come.

But we say constitutionality shmonstitutionality. What we gun control advocates need is a makeover, starting with the name. Look, nobody wants to be the one in control, except Janet, Miz Jackson if you’re nasty. Here are new name and policy suggestions for the lobby:

“Gun Cuntrol” – Control connotes moderation. Moderation is for schoolmarms and cockteases. Control does not spell out “A G-O-O-D T-I-M-E.” But slang for female genitalia? To quote Second Amendmentist Ted Nugent, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang…now that’s what we call a party.

“Guns Gone Wild” – There’s nothing that says “I’m Proud to Be an American” more than the insipid Lee Greenwood song and tits, tits, more tits, felony charges, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, and another sprinkling of tits. One problem with the gun control lobby is that we haven’t offered gun-nuts a sexy alternative to disarming. But if “Put down your weapons and I’ll show you my tits” becomes our battle cry, every day will be like Mardi Gras.

“Guns ‘R’ Gay” – We all know gay=fun. So another way to re-”work” (in the RuPaul sense) the gun control argument is to make guns “a gay thing.” Gay Friends, we’re counting on you to take up arms and make them fierce, fashion-forward, and just a little bit effeminate. We’re talking spraying 9MMs the colors of the rainbow and flying pride flags out your rifle barrels. We’re talking Rosie O’Donnell sponsoring hunting parties for the LGBT community. Reappropriate the gun rights movement, and watch as Charlton Heston-types hightail it out of there like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah.

So, about that gun control debate.

What gun control debate?

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Thanks to Dave and Jasmine!

Filed under: Charlton Heston, Constitutionality, Gaying It Up, Gun Control, Janet Jackson, Mardi Gras, Posh Spice, Ted Nugent, The Supreme Court, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

Color Coordinasian

Red dress print, red shoes, red bag, red cape on inappropriately costumed child. HUH? The only person allowed to be this matchy-matchy with the ruby color is my favorite Aunt–and only while seated perkily at a baccarat table, sipping a free cocktail and yelling, “More red, more moneeeeeyy!”

But for everybody else, this business is just ti(red), lazy, and gauche.

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Filed under: Asians Love Gambling, Baccarat, Bobbleheads, Gauche Behavior, Jen Hates Red Shoes, Matchy-Matchy Nightmares, Posh Spice, Red

Bob It Like Beckham*

I don’t know about you, but when I think about what makes a person chic, I reference a few simple rules. And these rules are entirely based on the sartorial teachings of Style Guru Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice.

1. Lumpy, store-bought fakies are timeless.

The lumpier and more-lopsided, the better. Push ‘em up and out, preferably with a polyester lace bra, and let’s go grab some Lemongrass Martinis, girlfriend!

2. Anorexia is gorgeous.

Don’t believe the hype that Fat-ists around the world are trying to spread about how bad anorexia is for you. Those haters just want you to be fat and miserable like them. There is no such thing as “too thin.” That is a lie with no basis in science, like evolution.

3. Underwear-as-outerwear always eases that tough transition between day and evening.

Oh, Pants. They’re just so damn cumbersome. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if we went out in our undies all the time? Free your mind, and your barely-covered ass will follow!

So imagine my delight when my friend Greenie sent me a story about how fashionable Singaporean women are cutting their locks to emulate Posh’s current hairstyle, which is known there as…The Pob. As in, Posh Bob.

‘I get at least one customer a week requesting for it,’ says Jonathan Foo of Jon’s Salon at Far East Plaza. ‘Even if they don’t ask for it, they talk about it, saying it’s very nice.’

Alas, to paraphrase Poison, every Pob has its thorn:

But experts here warn that the Pob is not suitable for all Asian women.

(“Celebrity hairstylist” David) Gan points out that Posh’s haircut works because Caucasians tend to have coarser hair. Asians, on the other hand, usually have fine, dark coloured hair, making it more difficult for the choppy texture of the Pob to show through.

Devastating news for me. I’m going to have to take to my bed for the rest of the day and comfort myself with a diet beverage, my well-worn copy of Skinny Bitch, and Oprah reruns.

“Who me? I don’t read, AND I don’t give a shit.”

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(*Greenie’s brilliant title. Thanks G!)

Filed under: Anorexia, Bobs, Lumpy Fakies, Posh Spice, Skinny Bitches, Style Gurus, Victoria Beckham's Boobs Look So Real

"What Made U Among the LOSERS"

This creepola video–allegedly made by radical Islamists in the UK–has been making the rounds on the internet.

I guess those religious dudes don’t dig “footie” and hip-hop. But what I really want to know is, am I a terrorist sympathizer for thinking these thoughts after I watched it…?

Well, yes, if you mean criminally untalented.

Given Snoop’s rap sheet, you’re not gonna get an argument out of me.

I mean, which one?

You can put a fatwa on a dead guy? I mean, a REALLY DEAD guy?

A little late to the party, don’t you think?

Filed under: Creepfest, David Beckham, Footie, Justin Timberlake, Losers, Posh Spice, Radical Islamists, Snoop Dogg, Unholy Unions, Usher