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YOKO ONO: And today, ladies and gentlemen, a very special guest. We recently made acquaint–
LADY GAGA: LADY GAGA IS HERE!
YOKO ONO: Yes, a remarkable young woman with a very, ah, artistic–
LADY GAGA: ARE YOU LISTENING TO US, LA???
YOKO ONO: I am so very pleased to meet her, the work this performer has done to make a statement about real issues, like–
LADY GAGA: ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!?!?!
YOKO ONO: We are going to take a short break I think.
LADY GAGA: We are?
YOKO ONO: Step to the side of the stage.
Just wanted to let you guys know that in her own words, Lady Gaga (aka Stefani Germanatta) is actually “very shy.”
Yeap. And I’m a crack-smoking, figure-skating, 7-foot-9 Norwegian with a bicycle fetish and PhD in abstract calculus, whose parents hugged and encouraged them to follow their heart, not their mind, too much as a child.
Asian Poses is basically an online compendium of all the weird poses our peeps use in photographs, with explanations of origin here and there.
I just hope the site remembers to catalog this Asian Pose at some point, too:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Filed under: Buying Out Avril Lavigne's Kohl's Clothing Line, Copying Jen's Haircut, Divorce, Getting Older, Madonna, Mid-Life Crises, Poseurs, Shameful Outfits, Time to Disappear, Trying Too Hard, Wow
JESSICA: (sniffling) Oh my gaw, Ashlee, I had the worst night of my life tonight!
ASHLEE: Hold on one sec, Pete just dropped a bottle of hair product in the toilet. One sec.
(Long conversation pause; Sounds of muffled bathroom chaos)
ASHLEE: ‘Kay. Back now. That was kind of a crisis. Petey can’t survive a day without product, y’know? Is Tony like that?
JESSICA: Ash, I’M in a crisis!
ASHLEE: Oh right. Okay, what happened? Is Tony gay?
ASHLEE: Is he cheating on with you with somebody smart and talented?
JESSICA: Um, no.
ASHLEE: Oh. Did Coach Phillips finally issue that restraining order against you, so that you won’t come to games?
JESSICA: Ashlee, no! I sang tonight. I did my Country Thunder debut. Remember?
ASHLEE: Oh, right. How’d that go?
JESSICA: Ash, it was BAD! I did everything Daddy said to do. I did that whole, like, cute Daisy Duke look with the shorts and the…
JESSICA: WhatEVER, Ashlee! Daddy said, “If they can’t see your ass, you won’t see their cash.” Remember? So I did that, and like, totally wore cowboy boots. And Daddy was all, “Whenever you want to cough or breathe, say either ‘Texas’ or ‘Tony.’” So I was like, “I’m Tony Romo’s girlfriend from Texas! Remember me from all of the pictures? I’m from Texas! Tony loves my Texas girl tits!” Stuff like that.
ASHLEE: I’m sure that went over well.
JESSICA: But that’s the thing, it DIDN’T. They were booin’ at me Ashlee. People were telling all the reporters I was some kinda embarassment and that I shouldn’t be there. And that going out with Tony doesn’t make me country! What are they talking about? What’s more country than the Dallas Cowboys? Augh! They booed! I can’t believe it!
(sounds of muffled laughter)
JESSICA: ASH! Are you laughing?
ASHLEE: (muffling her laughter) No.
JESSICA: Oh. Okay, good.
ASHLEE: I, uh, that’s a bummer, Jess.
JESSICA: Daddy is always right! Why didn’t he tell me they were going to boo?
ASHLEE: Maybe he was busy making sure your bra fit right.
ASHLEE: Sorry, sorry. Well that really sucks, dude.
JESSICA: I’m so humiliated! I’m so ashamed! I can never show my face again.
ASHLEE: Oh, good.
JESSICA: ASHLEE! You’re not HELPING!
ASHLEE: I don’t have time to help. One day, maybe you’ll be married again, and you’ll see how much time it takes.
ASHLEE: Listen, Jess. I know how you feel. Remember when I performed at the Rose Bowl, and they booed at me? And everyone was talking about it, and I was so ashamed that all I wanted to do was curl up and die?
JESSICA: Oh gaw, totally. Your eyes were so puffy! You looked like shit!
ASHLEE: And remember how I kept calling you and Dad to ask for advice, and he kept telling me he was busy with your career, and you kept trying to shove some old Louis Vuitton bag in my face to make it better?
JESSICA: Um, hmm, soooorta. But wait, is that how it went?
ASHLEE: All you could talk about then was how you wanted to fuck Johnny Knoxville. Or how you already were. Or whatever.
JESSICA: I’m with Tony now! I’m just a Texas girl dating Tony Romo now! (giggles, country-like)
ASHLEE: (stunned pause)
JESSICA: Ashlee? Ashlee? Come on, I need your help.
ASHLEE: Oh, you need a lot more than my help.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE, and as much as Carrie Underwood tried during last night’s American Idol finale, she couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal.
Diana and I both come from families of doctors, M.D.s in her case and Ph.D.s in mine, which probably explains why she knows how to dress a wound without flinching and I have a blackboard in my house. So of course we’ve dreamed of being addressed as “Dr.” like our fathers and sisters and having that kind of authority. The problem is, we like school, but not in that way. We really don’t want to put in that kind of time. And neither one of us has the fortitude for rotations or dissertations, so we’re left reconciling ourselves to lifelong inferiority complexes. Though I’m still holding out hope that somebody some day will confer an honorary doctorate to me just for bein’ me. I mean, Steven Tyler got TWO degrees that way, and his greatest achievement in life might be teaching the world to tie scarves onto their mic stands.
Perhaps disgraced South Korean curator and art history professor Shin Jeong-ah, 35, felt a similar pressure to be the ultimate authority when she faked her Yale doctorate to get a teaching post and embezzled museum funds, for which she was busted last year.
The weirdest part of Shin’s story is that she survived the 1995 Sampoong department store collapse in Seoul that killed over 500 people. Much of the reporting on Shin is fixated on her being literally “buried” then and figuratively now. Obviously homegirl’s got some mental health issues (I hear my Dad’s voice saying, “Well, so did your aunt, and she still managed a Ph.D. in Chemistry“).
Shin was sentenced Monday to 18 months in jail, and the sad twist is, like med school or a Ph.D. program, that’s a mandated amount of time that she can’t fake her way out of.
An Australian woman named Fiona Graham is training to become the first foreign-born geisha in 400 years. Graham, who has a D.Phil in anthropology from Oxford and speaks Japanese fluently, is a documentary filmmaker recording her experience as “Sayuki.” Part of what inspired her to do this was her disgust over the representation of geishas in Memoirs of a Geisha:
If you want to make Sayuki angry, mention the 2005 movie Memoirs of a Geisha, or worse, the bestseller on which it was based. “It is a ludicrous, totally fictional book that came out of a white, middle-aged American male’s imagination…”
If more white women became geishas, that’s one less dumbass stereotype we Asian women would have to deal with. I say, GO FOR IT, Sayuki. And stick it to these poseurs!
Click here for Sayuki’s website.
In a shocking response to Muslasian protesters who denounced her as obscene, indecent, and most of all, DISGRASIAN, the AP reports that Gwen Stefani has agreed to cover up her man-body and free the Harajuku Slaves from their cages.
On Thursday, after thousands of Muslasian protesters called for a cancellation of Stefani’s concert in Kuala Lumpur, Gwen freed her slaves and, according to a source close to the Madonna-wannabe, was overheard saying to them, “Fly, my little China dolls, be free.”
The Harajuku Slaves, whose real names are Jane Wong, Becca Fukuyoshi, Michelle Tran, and Heather Kusuhara, appeared traumatized by their three year-ordeal of indentured servitude to the Debbie Harry-ripoff when they appeared at the Kuala Lumpur airport together, perhaps for the last time. The four young women boarded separate planes back to the U.S., where, as Heather Kusuhara said, “We hope to resume normal lives. Like speaking in public. And not having to walk two steps behind a butch blonde girl at all times. And not dressing identically. Yeah, normal life will be great. We’ve been through a lot.” Kusuhara credited her faith in Jesus Christ as the thing that got her through the last three years. The other women declined comment.
Stefani also could not be reached for comment. The show’s sponsor, Maxis Communications, did relay the following message by email: “Gwen is busy buying fabric to make a bitchin’ burka for her show in Kuala Lumpur. She really loves and respects Muslasians, you know.”*
(*Most of this story is fabricated. Click here to follow the real saga of Muslasians hating Gwen.)
(special thanks to Diana and Thomas–you’re both geniuses.)
Page Six reported today that Marilyn Manson’s jilted keyboardist Stephen “Pogo” Bier has filed a lawsuit against the
child dater poseur sicko rock star. Pogo claims that Manson and his managerial staff pissed away all of the band’s earnings–splurging on his personal impulse buys. At Manson’s checkout counter, apparently, “impulse buys” refers to Nazi paraphernalia, houses, and Chinese baby skeletons.
UGH. Marilyn, where do you even find a Chinese baby skeleton, deadchinesebabies.com? Web geek.
God your shtick is tired.