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Not sure what perplexes me more:
A) Bai Ling was invited to a legitimate Golden Globes after-party.
B) Bai Ling was not nude at said legitimate Golden Globes after-party.
C) Bai Ling’s peace sign actually looks spirited and, well, peaceful.
D) I truly have nothing mean to say about Bai Ling after looking at the above photograph. Nothing mean at all. NOTHING MEAN WHATSOEVER.
This series of conundrums obviously leads me to believe that the world is coming to an end. Take cover, guys!
Says the monkey: “Isn’t the peace sign something that anorexic-looking actresses flash for the paparazzi cameras just before they realize they no longer have careers? Jesus H., it’s like I’m trapped in some kind of fucking celebutard peace sign epidemic or something! Here a peace sign, there a peace sign, everywhere a peace sign. Peace, peace, peace everywhere I turn–so why does it feel like my insides are at WAR? I wager it’s because skeletor chick next to me has awful ashtray breath and refuses to wear blush and it makes my sex organs want to both shrivel up and implode at the same time. UGH. God, I wish I was alive so I could hitchike the hell outta here. Hideki Matsui, save meeeeeeeeeee!”
Filed under: Baseball, Celebutards, Epidemics, Fug Faces, Girl--Please Brush Your Hair and Apply Makeup, Hideki Matsui, It's All Downhill From Here, Kirsten Dunst, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps
In response to media outrage over the Spanish national basketball team making a slit-eyed gesture in a recent newspaper advertisement, the team’s point guard, Jose Calderon, who plays for the Toronto Raptors professionally, issued a statement via his personal website Tuesday.
No way, Jose! Dude, you are clearly unschooled in the way of our people and in desperate need of an educasian. First of all, everyone knows that if you want to make an Oriental Expression (“OE”), you do it with your hands, yo, and not your eyes.
The Peace Sign should always be your first option:
But in a classier, more formal Oriental setting, you could opt for the Buddhist prayer gesture, or Prayer Hands, as we like to call them.
But, sheeit, why stop at “somewhat loving”? You’re in the Land of Love You Long Time, after all. If you really want to demonstrate your affection for our people, why not, in the words of Chris Berman, GO. ALL. THE. WAY??!
Which brings us to the Middle Finger, aka The Finger, Flipping the Bird, The Bird. Because nothing communicates “huge respect” as appropriately as this expression does. Take it from us–two bona fide Orientals–the Middle Finger may not be exclusive to our culture, but it’s nevertheless prized among rice eaters. Not only because it’s succinct and to the point, but because it leaves no room for interpretasian. And interpretasian is really the culprit in this case, and not, say, willful ignorance and cultural ineptitude, right?
Filed under: Disgranish, Dumbasses, Jose Manuel Calderon, Oriental Expressions, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps, Prayer Hands, The 2008 Olympics, The Finger, The Spanish Basketball Team, Way to Go Spain
Miley Cyrus’s affinity for peeps of the Asian Persuasian was once again in full effect at American Idol‘s
self-congratulatory charity event taping, Idol Gives Back.
Like me, Will Smith was in Asia this past weekend, only he was promoting his new film “I Am Legend,” which opens stateside Friday, while I was losing money on the ponies (long story).
After Tokyo, Smith went on to Hong Kong, where he reportedly asked action superhottie/director Stephen Chow to produce, direct, and star in Smith’s remake of “The Karate Kid.” This comes after weeks of rumors that Jackoff Chan was set to play Mr. Miyagi and Smith’s son Jaden would play Ralph Macchio (isn’t that creepy Smith imp 7 years old or something?).
In response to the offer, Chow told reporters:
“I’m very fond of ‘The Karate Kid’ and would love to join in the remake project, no matter as a producer, director or actor. But it depends on my schedule…”
TRANSLASIAN: Are you fucking kidding me? If I have to say, “Wax on, Wax Off,” I will wax your nutsack, naw mean?
First Bollywood, now the rest of Asia. You gotta hand it to Slick Willy Smith, who declared his desire to shoot the Karate Kid remake in China, for ka-ching-chonging his way onto the Mother Ship. No wonder he landed the cover of Entertainment Weekly‘s “50 Smartest People In Hollywood” issue and #5 on the list. Perhaps he will use some of that ka-ching to buy a less creepy family and friends.
We haven’t written about Ka-Ching-Chong in a while (please refer to its definition in the DISGRASIAN dictionary if you are Ka-nfused), so let’s have a little refresher, shall we? Ka-Ching-Chong is a marketing strategy that has come of age in the new millennium, when mega-multinational corporations realized the consumer potential of Asia, specifically China, with its billions of dollars, er, I mean, people.
In the sports world, no one’s got their eye fixed more firmly on the Ka-Ching-Chong prize than the NBA. This week, the Orlando Magic and the Cleveland Cavaliers traveled to Shanghai and Macau for exhibition games against each other and the Chinese national team (minus Yao and Yi for unexplained reasons).
While it’s fantastic that LeBron James is learning Mandarin and nicknamed “Little Emperor” (Xiao Huang Di) in China, and that even Steve Francis can get a shoe deal there, and the Chinese revere lan chou (basketball)–I never played more pickup games in my life than in the year I spent there, and I suck at it–the marketing of the almighty NBA to the Chinese market is so crass and unabashed, I find it kinda revolting. It’s like sex without foreplay. It’s like the wham-bam without the thank-you, ma’am. The AFP reports:
“China is the number one market for the NBA outside the US,” said Matt Bourne, NBA spokesman told AFP ahead of the pre-season games…
“In the United States the development of basketball has already reached a certain saturation point,” Li Yuanwei, chief of the CBA told the Basketball Pioneers…”China is huge and it’s a unified market so that’s why China has the chance to follow after Europe and develop the world’s only newly flourishing professional basketball market.”
According to ESPN, David “Big Brother” Stern also told CCTV5, the major sports channel in China, that he expected this to be “the biggest year ever for the NBA in China.”
You know, I’m happy when a day goes by where I don’t have to hear another xenophobic, shoddy piece of reporting about how China is trying to poison us, nuke us, or take over our country in some sneaky, sinister way (though they could do better in many other areas–see this week’s DOTW). But it doesn’t really make me feel better that we’re trying to do the same thing to them.
Oh, and P.S., China’s not a “market.” It’s a country. Full of PEOPLE. Shocking, I know.
The AP reported over the weekend that a Dallas family is suing Australia’s Virgin Mobile phone division for using a photo taken from Flickr of their 16 year-old daughter, Alison Chang, without her consent. This is the original photo of Alison and a friend on Flickr, taken at a church car wash:
The tag line of the ad “FREE TEXT VIRGIN TO VIRGIN” was denounced by Alison’s brother Damon, 27, as “derogatory.” The Chang family also charged in the suit that “(t)he experience damaged Alison’s reputation and exposed her to ridicule from her peers and scrutiny from people who can now Google her.”
The Chang family went on to say that Alison’s use of the peace sign in the photo was entirely in jest, but because of Virgin Mobile’s reckless use of the photo in an ad campaign, people around the world now think that Alison was flashing the peace sign in earnest, like every other misguided Asian chick on the planet, who thinks being Asian means flashing a peace sign when in front of a camera. The Chang family believes that promoting such stereotypical clichés has caused damage to Alison’s reputation and exposed her to great scrutiny and ridicule.*
*DISCLAIMER: this paragraph has been fabricated. Everything else about this story is true. Click here for real story.