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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK: Paris Fuckin’ Hilton

June 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

(Transcript from conversation overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier today)

DIANA: Good morning, Jen!

JEN: What? WHAT? I can’t hear you over the din of these fucking news helicopters!

DIANA: WHAT DID YOU SAY? [to the assistant, Nicolai] Nicolai!!! Why the hell won’t these helicopters stop flying overhead!?

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] My name is Nick.


NICHOLAS: [bitchily] We’re in the Hollywood Hills. All those dishy news copters want to get a peek of Paris riding in a cop car to court.

DIANA: Oh Jesus H. Christ! Nicolaya, please get Jen The Times and me some earplugs.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Whhhhatever. [goes to fetch the paper and wadded up toilet paper for Diana's ears]

DIANA: [stuffing ears with TP while squeaking open her laptop] Ahhhhhh. So what’s going on today?

JEN: Missile test in North Korea. Riot in China. Putin offered the US a joint missile plan.

DIANA: Mmm hmm.

JEN: Did you hear what I said?

DIANA: Mmm hmm. Yep.

JEN: Putin, dude.

DIANA: Totally. Totally. That’s hot, Jen.

JEN: What…did…you…say?

DIANA: Whaaaat?


[Jen sees...]

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: [snapping out of a daze] Oh my god, Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

JEN: What happened to you?

DIANA: I don’t know, you know, it’s like, I clicked on the first headline I saw on CNN. And… And… It was a piece about Paris going to court. And then I started to think, you know, in many ways, she’s like one of us! Like those dogs, all those little dogs. She dresses kinda like Bai Ling. She’s a terrible driver! She loves soft cuddly things. Dude, she loves Hello Kitty!

JEN: Diana, she calls it “hello pussy.”

DIANA: No, look!

[Shows Jen...]

JEN: Oh, for crying out loud.

DIANA: Jen! Look, with her eyes closed, she even kinda looks like…

JEN: Don’t say it! Don’t you fucking say it!

DIANA: …an Asian.

JEN: [charges over to Diana and slaps her repeatedly in the face] WHAT’S COME OVER YOU?? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG YOU ARE?

DIANA: Ow. Ow. Ow.

JEN: Paris Hilton is useless. First of all, she could not be less Asian. She sits with her legs spread. She did not succeed in school. She repeatedly dishonors her family name.

DIANA: Oh man. So true.

JEN: More importantly, she represents a huge societal low. She’s known for nothing honorable. Her legacy of failing upward and being famous for nothing but exposed genitals is PATHETIC. No one should care about her and yet everyone can’t stop hearing about her. Her existence precludes 99% of the population from knowing what’s going on in the real world at all times. She’s a cockroach. She is shameful. She’s a DISGRACE… to ALL RACES.

And because of her, these stupid helicopters won’t stop ruining my morning latte on the DISGRASIAN patio. Do you understand?

DIANA: [shuddering] Oh my god… yes… oh my god… Ech, I was so…so brainwashed for a moment there.

JEN: It’s okay. You’ll be okay. [To Nicholas] Nickolojawan, bring Diana a cool cloth for her head.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Ughhh! Fine.

JEN: Diana, maybe what you need to do is declare Paris Hilton DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, and think about what you’ve said today.

DIANA: You’re right, Jen. You’re so, so right.

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