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The man loves a trophy, dude. My man Hines Ward and the ridiculous hard body that is Kym Johnson have officially taken the top prize of the 12th season of Dancing With the Stars!
Yes, I watched. And yes, I voted–each week. The maximum five votes every time. AND IT ALL PAID OFF!
…now who owes me $50?
Step 1: SMILE. Smile when you’re mad, smile when you’re sad, smile when you’re pissed, smile when you’ve been kissed.
Step 2: Always think of the children.
Step 3: Love yo’ mama.
Step 5: Be light on your feet and smooth in your hips.
Step 6: Win whenever possible.
Step 7: If you and a friend are held up at gunpoint by NoHo police due to a mix-up regarding said friend’s Honda Civic, which was mistakenly reported stolen, cooperate like a stand-up citizen. Never devolve into a self-aggrandized asshole jerk that says, “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? You wanna how many Super Bowl rings I got, ya fuckin’ pig?? I’m gonna go all James Harrison on your ass!” AND after the Continue reading Seven Steps To Being A Perfect Gentlemasian Like Hines Ward
Filed under: Ben Roethlisberger, Blasians, Charity, Dancing With the Stars, DWTS, Hines Ward Is The Adorablest, Hines Ward Korean Mother, James Harrison, Nice Guys, Non-Profits, Pittsburgh Steelers, Smiley Guys, The Fuzz
Guys, I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been a quieter football fan this year.
Err, umm, I’ve had my reasons.
I am so friggin’ elated. So excited. So proud. So…
…preoccupied by the shame I feel about one turd guy. UGH. How does he ruin EVERYTHING?
Filed under: AFC Champions, Bad Reprzentatives, Ben Roethlisberger, Dallas, Dicks, Did Not Think This Was Our Year, Football, Giving People Reason To Talk Smack, I Bleed Black And Gold For The Rooneys Not Roethlisberger, Insults To My Steeler Pride, NFL, Party Poopers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Quarterbacks, Sex Offenders (Alleged), Shame, Stairway To Seven, Steelers, Steelers v Packers Super Bowl, Super Bowl 45, Super Bowl XLV, Surprises
By the grace of the football gods, my Steelers are currently 5-2 and holding strong in the AFC North –despite kicking off the season with four games sans their starting quarterback/resident douchebag. Last week was particularly painful–the boys (with douchebag) lost a great contest after a gritty fight with the awesome and beloved NOLA Saints.
As usual, I grumbled at the idiot calling plays and getting sacked on the field. Always the Hardass Asian Steelerfan: “Roethlisberger, you tool, move that ball! Why can’t you be more like Drew Brees? Look at your brothers Hines Ward and Mewelde Moore Troy Polamalu and James Farrior. They work so much harder than you. So much smarter!”
I was ultimately surprised to read that safety Troy “ol’ reliable” Polamalu placed the blame for the Saints loss squarely on his own broad, Samoan-American shoulders. To the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, he said:
“I think there are times in games where there were a lot of opportunities to make plays, and I didn’t make them,” he told the Tribune-Review. “It doesn’t have anything to do with anything physical with me, and maybe I’m second-guessing myself a little too much. But, other than that, we’re 5-2.”
Teammate Ryan Clark told the newspaper that Polamalu felt that he let the team down, which makes sense considering Polamalu’s addiction to perfection (the only addiction that is, by the way, so fucking ASIAN). But is my favorite safety really to blame for a loss against the NFL’s defending champions? Nah!
Still, I doubt anyone could convince Polamalu he’s wrong unless they’re married to him. I wouldn’t try. So my suggestion for redemption is simple: perfectly pound the Bengals tonight on Monday Night Football. Nothing says “I won’t fail again” like kicking kitty ass and taking names.
Name: Hines Ward
Occupation: Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and newly-appointed member of the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders
Known for: Four Pro Bowl selections; a pair of Super Bowl hardware; being voted Super Bowl XL MVP; Steelers career records for receptions, receiving yards, and receiving TDs; donating $1 million to create the Helping Hands Foundation, which works to improve literacy among children in the U.S. and, in Korea, fights discrimination against biracial youth like Hines, who’s Korean and African-American; being Amazian of the Week twice; making Diana smile every Sunday; reprezenting in the Obama administration.
Also named to the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders? The unstoppable Ramey Ko–fellow Texasian, municipal judge, founder of Asian Americans for Obama, and hero of that unfortunate Betty Brown name-changing kerfuffle. Congratulasians, Ramey!
For a complete list of the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders appointees, click here.
Filed under: Amazians, Biracial People, Blasians, Hines Ward, Hines Ward President's Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, Mixed People, Mixed-Race People, Pittsburgh Steelers, President Barack Obama, Ramey Ko, The Pro Bowl, The Super Bowl
you big, dumb, fucking dog. Thanks for today’s apology.
For your sake and mine, I am glad that you will not be criminally charged for rough-banging that college chick in a dingy bar bathroom. No evidence + you’re a rich celebrity athlete = BIG PHEW! At least for this season (Ed note–Ladies, don’t hate. I need football to live and this is a humor blog).
Don’t tell me what really happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I don’t really care. Shut up. Just shut up.
You and I have already been through a rough patch. Remember that leetle moto accident in ’06, when you were all, “WhatEVA! I’m 24! I’ve won a Super Bowl! I don’t CARE about no stinkin’ helmet! I don’t CARE about my HEAD! I don’t CARE about some goddamn professional football team and our legacy of gritty honor, don’t care about my coveted starting QB position, don’t care about my teammates or the Rooneys, or the hopes and dreams of Diana and her family and all of the wonderful Pittsburgh fans around the world! I’m a big, dumb, fucking dog! I look like a human Clifford! Weeeee! Let’s ride!” And then you broke your stupid face? Yeah, me too. That wasn’t cool.
BUT I FORGAVE YOU. Yes, it took another Super Bowl ring for me to do it, but I still sorta did.
This is different. Dude, you’ve been accused of sexual assault twice in the last year. I realize we’re talking about accusations, not charges, but dude: TWICE. ONE YEAR. Even your derelict former teammates Santonio and Plaxico are thinking, “Damn, homey! Slow down!”
How hard is it to think, Ben? Just think with your seemingly broken brain. Is, say, dinner Continue reading I’m With Terry Bradshaw
Filed under: Ben Roethlisberger, Clifford, College Bars, Dumb Fucking Dog, Fuckups, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, Really Dumb People, Road Head, Shame, Shut Up And Play, Terry Bradshaw, The Pittsburgh Steelers, The Steelers, You Offend Me
After watching Hines Ward fumble what should have been a game-winning ball at the end of the fourth quarter against the Tennessee Titans last night, I wasn’t worried. I was shocked–because Ward simply doesn‘t suffer accidents like that, especially five yards from the goal line–but deep down, I knew the Steelers would hold the game into OT and pave the way for Jeff Reed to take it home.
Ward was shocked, too. He took it hard. Real hard. In fact, every time the camera cut to him from the moment of that gaffe until the game reached its final tally at 13-10, the usually-grinning Ward was hurting, hating himself. His eyes said it all–If he hadn’t been on a field with 26,000 tons of burly dudes, he would have been sobbing his ass off.
I wanted to jump through the television, transport myself from my L.A. living room to the chilly bench at Heinz Field, run over to him with a gatorade and a towel, and give him a big ol’ hug. I wanted to tell him: Buddy, it’s okay. It was a mistake, but one our team overcame. It’s hard for you because you don’t often make mistakes. You don’t understand failure, because it is unfamiliar to you. But dude, even almost-perfect people have imperfect moments. Like when my dad is shocked that he’s lost something (because he’s a robot and NEVER LOSES ANYTHING), or pissed when he sneezes, because he can’t believe his body would dare allow sickness–he doesn’t like it, but it happens. Try to let it go, honey pie. For this one colossal fuckup, you have and will make up for it with about nine-hundred bajillion superhuman awesome feats. You’re good. There’s no question about it. Nobody’s mad atcha. Let’s turn that frown upside down!!!
But I couldn’t transport myself to Pennsylvania. I could only watch as Ward sighed a pained air-gulp of relief as Reed’s kick sailed between the posts to end the contest. He tucked his head down and walked out of the stadium, weighed down with shame even though the Steelers walked away from the game 1-0. I realized that there was no consoling him (he’s a superstar blasian for crying out loud. Poor guy probably spent all night alternating acts of flogging himself with intense weight training and repeated recitation of: “You almost ruined it for everyone, you stupid jerk. Everyone, you stupid jerk! Agh! Stupid. Stupid!”). At least not for awhile.
This morning, assuming that there had been a good five minutes for photo-ops, I trolled the web for snaps of a forlorn Ward with tears in his eyes. But neither NFL.com nor ESPN seemed to find it necessary to document a close-up of his shame in their galleries.
Perhaps none of us want to see Ward make mistakes. We’d rather see him smile.
Okay, okay. I know it’s cruel and unusual (fine, bordering on animal abuse) to force poodles into these crazy nationwide contests of “creative grooming.”
And how can I possibly choose a favorite between…
Occupation: Assistant Athletic Trainer for the Pittsburgh Steelers
Known for: Being the NFL’s first full-time female trainer, making her just the third woman to hold the job in all male professional sports. Since joining the team in 2002, she has seen the players through two Super Bowl matches–and as confirmed yesterday, two corresponding Super Bowl victories.
Keeping players healthy and strong throughout an NFL season is no joke. The “pioneer” has been hard at work for the last five months… we sure hope that on this Monday, she slept in and savored the success.
Filed under: Ariko Iso, Athletic Trainers, First Ladies, Inspirasians, NFL, On the Field, Pioneers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Rad Jobs, Steelers Won The Super Booooowlllll, The Super Bowl, Victory, Woot Woot
Hails from: Baltimore, MD (via Oregon, via SoCal)
Occupation: Professional Football Player
Why He’s A Babe: His name is fun as hell to say, he’s got a killer smile, and we’re suckers for burly bear cuties. Ngata is one helluva defensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens, who boast the NFL’s #2 Defense (second only to you-know-who). If he didn’t seem so sweet, we’d be pretty scared bumping into him on a bad day, but since we aren’t on anybody’s O-line, we think we’re pretty safe.
All this said and done, though, I gotta pray that on Sunday, Ngata turns out to just be a pretty face, and totally wusses out while facing off with my Steelers for the AFC crown. Ngetoutta here, Ravens!
Filed under: AFC Championship, Baltimore Ravens, Big Dudes, Defensive Linemen, Football, Haloti Ngata, Killer Smiles, NFL, Nose Tackles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Teddy Bears, This Dude Needs to Lose on Sunday
Anyone that has spent any time with me during football season knows that I am great at one thing: talking shit. I hate your team. I don’t care who your team is. They are crap and my team, the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers, will crush them with one iron fist. You don’t agree? I can keep this conversation up for hours–you’re a Pats fan? Then I can keep this up all night.
Naturally, last week when the Steelers were preparing to face Donovan “The Hamburglar” McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles, I checked in with my good friend Aaron–a lifetime Eagles enthusiast–at least once a day:
MONDAY: I hope you don’t lose against the Cowboys tonight. You probably will, though. You loser.
TUESDAY: OOOOOooof. Tough day, huh, buddy? Interceptions sure are a bitch. You really fucked up your one shot at glory. Greatest MNF game ever, though!
WEDNESDAY: Hey, guess what? Today’s hump day. We’re going to the hump the shit out of you this weekend. Hope you’re stretching!
SATURDAY: Listen up, you pathetic sunnofabitch! Tomorrow you’re going to suffer a truly dismal defeat. Your team will be bleeding, crying for their mommies, holding their lost scrota in their left hand. YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING DOWN LIKE TONY ROMO ON JESSICA SIMPSON. MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
SUNDAY EVENING: …
If you don’t know, here’s the scoop: my Steelers went down, and they went down harder and faster than the third season of Veronica Mars. Our offensive line was non-existent, our quarterback fumbled around like a stoned circus clown, and we just never made it happen. It was an ugly game. Ugly. And because of it, I’ve been eating crow–or, er, eagle–for a full day.
This was pathetic. Sad. Embarassing. Most of all, DISGRACEFUL.
I was disgraced by my team yesterday. And if I’m gonna keep talking shit all season, this can’t happen again. It just can’t.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MIKE TOMLIN? TELL THE GUYS!!!
Filed under: Bad Days, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan "The Hamburglar" McNabb, Eating Crow, Embarrassing, Football, Fumbles, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Public Disgrace, Scrota, This is Bullshit
Occupation: Wide Receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers
Known for: an ever-present star smile, speaking up for ethnic minorities in South Korea, humbly accepting Super Bowl XL MVP in ’06 , kicking arse every time he rocks the Pro Bowl, do-gooding.
Oh, and if you watched last night’s Steelers victory over the Bengals, you witnessed Ward making his 64th career touchdown reception, beating Hall-of-Famer John Stallworth’s 20 year-old record. I know what you’re saying… “Randy Moss who?”