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The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old guy’s staring at us.”
“What guy?” she asked.
“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”
She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.
Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.
Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.
I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.
In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.
Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week. Continue reading Dickflashers United
So my latest troll down YouTube lane began with a link from my friend, Doug. It led to a video (removed from YouTube today) posted by an American gent in his fifties (and bearing an uncanny likeness to Captain Kangaroo). In it, he wears a custom hachimaki and dances wackily in front of the screen projection of a music video from the J-pop band Perfume. The man, who goes by the YouTube handle Perfume444, gleefully professes his longstanding love for Perfume–particularly his favorite member of the trio, A-Chan, as he makes kissing motions to her video lips. He smiles the biggest grin I’ve seen on a human being in weeks. The piece ends with a scrolling caption: “I really, really, really LOVE Perfume!!!”
I thought, instantly: DISGRASIAN. A snap judgment, yes, but I doubt I was the only one who would have made it.
But I needed to see more. So I clicked through to his YouTube channel. Quickly, I saw that Frank (Perfume444) had something to say for himself in the “About Me” section:
PERFUME 444 CHANNEL IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE SEEING ME…ITS ABOUT ME THANKING PERFUME FOR ALL THAT THEY HAVE DONE !!!
I have been to Japan in 2003 and 2005.. I play Drums so did 2 small tours in Japan. I LOVE JAPAN !!!! I miss it so much. The Japanese People are so kind and wonderful. I really feel like my soul is Japanese. About Perfume… I got into Perfume in early 2006. I was looking for Japan stuff on youtube, all kinds of music from Japan and I found Perfume. The song Akihabalove was the first one I heard. I fell in love with that song and the girls. I watched the beehive cam on youtube and watched them grow up. So my love for them is like a father daughter love. Not sex because they were so young at the time. Even now I still see them as big kids, NOT sex objects. Anyway…about the Music… I was hooked, It was so different then anything I heard before. my all time favorite song is Seventh heaven…It all ways makes me cry. I also love Secret Secret , Foundation, computer city, Macaroni, Edge , ” jenny in a bad mood ” wonder 2, Polyrhythm,Baby cruising love , Vitamin Drop, yes Its heard to pick just one song. A-Chan is my favorite. If I was 20 yrs old I would want to marry her. But Im not ! Im 55 yrs old. But perfume music makes me feel happy and young I wish I could find some one like A-Chan. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. her heart and sole are heaven ! The person that marries her will be the luckiest person on earth.
Well, shit, the words were sweet as perfume. AND LITTERED WITH RED FLAGS. (Quick, another snap judgment: Frank is a full-on Nippon perv who clearly thinks of the 21 and 22-year-old members of Perfume as sex objects. I mean, hello, read the “About Me” excerpt!)
But first, more proof. More videos. Needed to see more creepy, pervy, proofy videos. But my eyes slid to the right and glimpsed this user comment:
Continue reading He Really, Really, Really Loves Perfume
Filed under: 4Chan, A-Chan, Captain Kangaroo, Creepy Old Dudes, Frank Evins, Happy Birthday Kashiyuka Video, Internet Memes, J-Pop, Japan, Kashiyuka, Nippon, Nocchi, Perfume, Perfume444, Pervs, Snap Judgments, Squirrel Glider, Wormholes, WTF?, YouTube, YouTube Is a Sordid Place
“Is Olivia Munn funny?” is about as hot of a debate as gun control. People can decide for themselves when her sitcom, Perfect Couples, airs a week from today, but in the meantime, doubters should watch the video below, in which Munn stops by Letterman and makes him laugh. And no, it had nothing to do with her breasts and that genius tit-sling of a dress she’s wearing, or the fact that Letterman is a notorious perv.
Well, okay, maybe it did. But still…what breasts! What genius framing! What effort it must’ve taken for Letterman to keep his eyes up here the whole time!
Filed under: Attack of the Show, Boobs, Breasts, David Letterman, Eyes Up Here, Is Olivia Munn Funny?, Midseason Replacements, NBC Sitcoms, Olivia Munn, Olivia Munn Boobs, Olivia Munn is Hot, Olivia Munn on Letterman, Olivia Munn The Daily Show, Olivia Munn's Breasts, Perfect Couples Sitcom, Pervs, Tit-Slings, Tits
Google has blacklisted a list of terms for users of Google Instant, to prevent people from accidentally stumbling upon porn, violence, and hate speech, unless they really want their porn, violence, and hate speech. Basically what this means is that Google Instant’s autofill function won’t fill in words like “bisexual,” “Latina,” “gay men,” “rapping women”–for the violent and spelling-impaired–or “n*gger,” so if you’re actually searching using those terms, you have to hit “enter” in order to get your results. Included among these terms–some of which seem incredibly innocuous, like “are” and “meats”–is “asian babe.”
Which makes sense, given that when you search “asian babe,” you get a whole lotta this:
And a whole lotta, um, that:
Filed under: Asian Babe, Asian Babes, Blacklisted Words, Censorship, Google, Google Autofill, Google Instant Blacklist, Google Search Results, Offensive Terms, Pervs, Porn, Rapping Women, The Internet Is Overrun by Racists and Pervs
A 17 year-old female high school student in Dongguan, China has been charged with “group licentiousness” for organizing and participating in “group sex parties.” The girl, who the Chinese media’s calling by the alias, “Li Jie,” was busted after an eight minute-video of her having sex with several male students surfaced on the internet in March. She was also asked to leave her school when school officials became aware of the video.
I love the way China Daily, the state-run newspaper, is reporting on this story of quote-unquote sexually deviant behavior, focusing entirely on the girl. The English-language title of the article is “Girl put on trial for group sex parties,” but it might as well read, “Slutty Slut McSlutterson put on trial for being a Slutty Slut Mcslutterson.” I mean, what about the dudes she had sex with? Why aren’t they getting the Scarlet Letter-treatment? Because, according to another source, those men were also charged with the same thing and tried. Was “Boys put on trial for gangbang” not sensational enough of a headline? Or did the government only want to scare all those would-be teenage girl sluts straight?
China seems to be having a run on group sex lately. You may recall from a few weeks back that Ma Yaohai, 53, a computer science professor, was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison for organizing and participating in at least 18 orgies, mostly involving married swingers. On the surface, the conviction of Ma, a middle-aged man, and the trial of Li, a teenage girl, may have little in common, but what they both tell me is that group sex, orgies, gangbangs–whatever you want to call them–are happening, and they’re gonna keep happening, no matter who the Chinese authorities or papers are casting in the role of the perv.
Filed under: China Daily, China Group Sex Trend, Chinese Government FAIL, Crowd Control, Gangbangs, Group Licentiousness, Group Sex, Li Jie, Ma Yaohai, Multiple Partners, Pervs, Scarlet Letter, Sex, Sex Is Not A Crime, Sluts, Slutty Slut McSlutterson, Swingers, Swinging
Even after I give birth to my first child, I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell my mom and dad that I’m a virgin. It’s like, my duty as the fourth child of two Hardass Asian Parents (who, as far as I know, are also virgins). It’s how we roll, yo. We’re expected to avoid dating but marry someone rich and virile, have babies without ever making sweet monkey love, and teach our kids to do the same.
So the first thing I thought when I read on HuffPo that an Aussie producer put together a cast willing to auction off their virginities to the highest bidder for a reality TV show was: I’ll be damned if there’s an Asian-Australian on that show!!! Hardass Asian Parents would go ape shit.
Apparently, all of the parents are pretty unhappy about the show’s concept.
Filed under: Cultural Lows, Disappointing My Parents, Fear The Wrath Of A Hardass Asian Parent, Flogging, Hardass Asian Parents, Pervs, Prostitution, Reality TV, Shameful TV Show Concepts, Shaming Your Family, Sluts, Virginity, Virginity Is So Overrated It's Unbelievable, Virgins, Weird Australian Behavior
Google‘s taken out ads on its own site to explain why, when you do a Google Images search of “Michelle Obama,” one of the first pictures you pull up is a disgustingly racist one depicting FLOTUS as a monkey.
Here’s a screengrab of both the photo and Google’s “Offensive Search Results” ad-response:
Click on the ad, and you get this explanation for the image:
Filed under: Barack Obama, FLOTUS, Google, Google Images, Google Offensive Search Results, Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama Racist Google Images Search Results, Offensive Content, Pervs, Porn, Racist Images, SafeSearch
Puff! features scenes of cute Japanese girls in plausible situations (For instance, flipping over a jungle gym bar in a sexy little cheerleading outfit, or eyeing you seductively in a dark lounge while concealing summer panties and garter belt that she secretly wants you to see), whose skirts can be “blown” up high to reveal their underthings with just a tap/rub up the screen or blow on the iPhone mic. The harder you rub and blow, the higher her skirt flies, and the more delighted (via squeals) she seems.
But not everyone can get Puff! on the iPhone. In fact, the iTunes App store says you must be at least 17 years old to download:
stages a totally meaningless photo-op/converses with an intellectual equal, finally/takes the first baby step toward being able to find Pakistan on a map meets with Pakistan Prez Asif Ali Zardari on Wednesday
ZARDARI: You are more gorgeous* than everyone has been saying. Not at all like a porn star.
PALIN: Thank you so much! Now, um, may I ask you, are you also a mother? I have five children. One of them is special-needs. Well, um, okay, two.
PALIN: In what respect,* President, um, (looks furtively at notes written in ballpoint ink on her right palm) Zar-dar-ee? Is that how ya say it?
ZARDARI: Did I say “hole”? I meant, “whole.” Oh, homonyms!
PALIN: You know, I’m glad you mentioned that. Because it is my understanding* that homonyms can be converted back to, um, um…normal people.
ZARDARI: The photographer is now insisting that we shake hands for the photo. If he’s insisting, I might hump, er, hug.** You. (clears throat) Hug you. I might hug you.
PALIN: Where is Pakistan exactly? Can I see it from my house*?
ZARDARI: (sexy, come-on voice) Why do you ask? Is it the mustache? Hubba-hubba.
PALIN: Thank you, sir, for meeting me today. I feel like I have a much better understanding of Pakis after this.
ZARDARI: And I of Alaskanis!
*these lines were pulled from actual interviews
**the real line was: “If he’s insisting, I might hug”
A lot of you who are new to DISGRASIAN have been clicking over for Olympics “coverage” (I use that term oh-so-loosely), and mostly to find out who on the U.S. men’s gymnastics team is gay. Now, Diana and I pride ourselves on having excellent gaydar–we’re Asian chicks, after all, and most of our BFF’s are gay–but we ain’t the Gay Census Bureau. Nevertheless, we want you horny newbies to feel at home, so I give you this photo (from the real Gay Census Bureau, Towleroad):
Then there are those of you who have come to our site looking for nipples. And, you know, we do write about nipples a fair amount. Crotches, too. Shit, why do you think my parents spent all that dough sending me to an Ivy League school?? But for those of you who’ve come here to ogle, say, the nipples of a 16 year-old Olympic athlete, i.e. a child, we give you this:
FUCK OFF, PERV.
Filed under: Beefcakes, Beijing, Crotch, Crotch Shots, Gaydar, Gymnastics, Home Porn Horndogs, Kevin Tan, Nipples, Pedophiles, Pervs, Prurient Shit, Raj Bhavsar, The 2008 Olympics, The Gay Census Bureau
Remember Magibon, the YouTube sensasian who started a whole genre of whatthefuckery on the web by smiling and staring into a camera?
When we last wrote about her, we wondered why she was so tight-lipped. Our theory was that she had just thrown up in her mouth. We were close:
DENTAL DISGRASIAN ALERT!!! Except, of course, homegirl’s not really Asian.
But given the fact that Magibon is practically mute, obsessed with cute, and has made a career out of soliciting herself to internet pervs…she might as well be.
Maria Sharapova announced this week that, instead of wearing a tennis dress at Wimbledon, she would be debuting a Nike-designed “tuxedo” that consists of a jacket, pants, some weird dickey top that reminds me of something I used to wear in the high school marching band, and SHORTS.
Upon hearing the tragic sartorial news, fans of Maria Sharapova’s Crotch wept.