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How Quiet Is Rielle Hunter?

March 16th, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

I remember hearing about Rielle Hunter’s pregnancy through the drunken, gossipy grapevine of politicos on Super Tuesday of 2008. Pollsters and pundits were huddled down in drab enclaves at Manchester, NH drinking holes to avoid the bitter cold. Dennis Kucinich had just finished some pub beef something-or-other in the booth next to me. Right then, a fiery HuffPo blogger slid into the seat across from mine, and spilled: “John Edwards knocked some woman up. She’s having the baby and they have a cover-up story. No one in the press is saying anything because of Elizabeth’s cancer, but we all know.” He swooped back out.

There had been some tabloid speculation about Hunter before this, but few Americans knew or investigated. After hearing about the lovechild, I naturally watched with fascination as the saga eventually panned out. On February 27, Hunter had the baby. In July, the National Enquirer broke a story about Edwards visiting his new daughter at the Beverly Hilton (see above photo). After many public denials, Edwards finally admitted to paternity of Hunter’s child in August 2008. Since then, almost everyone involved has said their piece, and it only gets more interesting.

Very little, however, was said by Hunter while this was all going down, which is why Newsweek recently penned a story praising the “quiet dignity” of the mistress of a terminally ill woman’s politician husband.

GQ nabbed her first official words on the matter, a transcribed Q&A that weighs in at nearly 10,000 words (that’s what happens when you hold it in for so long!). Within the interview, she candidly addresses the flaws in others’ accounts, professes her love for Edwards, and talks timeline. In an effort to save you time reading, I’ve boiled her tale down to the important stuff:

1. Hunter calls Edwards “Johnny,” which is apparently the name on his birth certificate.

2. Hunter firmly believes that Mr. Pantsonfire never lies to her.

3. Elizabeth Edwards is scary as shit. She’ll chop your motherfucking dick off.

Continue reading How Quiet Is Rielle Hunter?

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The "Palasians"

September 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


A lot has been made of Sarah Palin’s husband Todd’s Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry since the Alaskan governor was named McCain’s running mate. The “First Dude” of Alaska is one-eighth Yup’ik, and Yup’iks are descended from people of Eastern Siberia and Asia who came over a gajillion years ago, after the Native American migrasian. Todd is, therefore, octorasian. A fact that’s been noted in virtually every profile of him in the past week, as if to say, Look, Governor Palin’s family is yellow/brown/minority/native/ethnic, too!

And we say, Welcome! Because, like Governor Palin, we’re “inclusive” people. And if you’re biologically Asian–even an itty-bitty bit like that cutie-patootie, hawtie-patawtie Phoebe Cates–that’s good enough for us.

That said, we did come across a few problems with the Palins’ applicasian for entry into the tribe. Here is a partial list of red flags:

1) Asians, unlike Todd, finish college.

2) Asian teens, unlike Bristol, don’t get pregnant.

3) Asian parents, unlike Todd, do not hold up their children as examples when–on the statistically-minimal chance–said children get knocked up by “fuckin’ rednecks.” Instead, Asian parents lock their children up in a room and throw away the key; ritualistically beat them with a shoe, hairbrush, or the hard-end of a flyswatter; repeatedly tell their children how ungrateful they are, what a disgrace they’ve turned out to be, and how much shame they’ve brought to their family. Or they simply disown their disappointing devil spawn.

Hmm. This is not going so well. Perhaps we should leave Bristol out of the conversasian, since she is, after all, only a child.

But wait.

4) Asian parents don’t cut their children any slack. Ever. And most certainly not based on age. How else do you think we’ve produced so many prodigies?

Shoot. Guess we’re not going to lay off Bristol. Or Todd and Sarah, for being shitty parents. Because, as everyone knows…

5) Asians are really fuckin’ judgmental. Asians hold themselves and others to impossible standards. When Asians make mistakes, they might not admit it publicly to save face, but they sure as shit don’t throw confetti at it either. Asians don’t turn their shame into shameless photo-ops (except, perhaps, for Tila Tequila).

Huh.

Alright, you know what? There’s no way we’re going to make this work, so fuck it. Being inclusive is–like polishing a turd–hella exhausting. And it’s pretty patently obvious that the Palins are IN NO FUCKING WAY Asian. DISGRASIAN, yes, but Asian? Not so much.

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