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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! British Vogue Isn’t Racist, It Just Thinks We All Look Alike

June 17th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

In December, American Vogue decreed that Asian models are all the rage. Six months later, British Vogue is saying the same thing in its June 2011 issue with Alexa Chung on the cover. (See what they did there? Asians, Asians, everywhere!) This is great and all–that Asians have become the new It Bag–but in hailing the so-called “rise of the Asian model,” British Vogue incorrectly identified Liu Wen, first Asian model to walk in a Victoria’s Secret show and be a face for Estee Lauder, as her Chinese compatriot Du Juan, first Asian model to appear on the cover of French Vogue.

Jezebel pointed out that this case of Mistasian Identity was uncovered the same day that Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! British Vogue Isn’t Racist, It Just Thinks We All Look Alike

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Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

February 14th, 2011 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

On this Valentine’s Day, we ponder the question: What’s the best way to say “I love you”?

With flowers?

Chocolate?

Diamonds?

Skywriting?

(Not microwaves, obviously.)

Fuck that! This is the real way you show your significant other you’re in it for the long haul:

Continue reading Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

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Racist Halloween Costumes…For Pets

October 22nd, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

With Halloween right around the corner, a lot has been said already about the latest crop of costumes–from the good to the bad to the offensive. An Illegal Alien costume, which was pulled from the shelves of Target and Walgreens this week after complaints from immigrant rights groups, seems to be this year’s undisputed winner in the last category.


But didja know that offensive Halloween costumes even extend to pets? Here are some of the worst:

1) “The Geisha Dog Costume”

Description: Your cutie will look vibrant and colorful in this Chinese themed dog dress! Features an adorable Asian floral print on magenta with faux thread Chinese toggles on the back and white satin trim.


Okay, who’s going to break it to the costume makers that geishas aren’t Chinese?

Continue reading Racist Halloween Costumes…For Pets

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Gossip Girl Goes Over to the Dark Side (Again)

December 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Gossip Girl and ethnics don’t mix. It’s been well-documented by DISGRASIAN since the first episode, when the Black Chick and the Asian Chick (aka The Haragossip Girls) were mutely paraded around in matching outfits, that non-white characters tend to be used on the show like accessories. After the writers’ strike, when the actress who played the Asian Chick decided to go back to Brown to study neuroscience instead of returning to the hit show where she had more headbands than lines (I know..how Asian), the Mutasian was replaced by another Asian Chick, whose character turned out to be a royally drippy–and tragically uninteresting–Nerd.

It’s only when the show stopped all of its tokenizing whatthefuckery that it actually got good. Season 2 opened with a “White Party” in the Hamptons (Diddy was nowhere to be seen), a fitting metaphor for what Gossip Girl is really about: pretty, rich white people trapped in a particular ring of hell where life is one neverending party that you can never leave. The Black Chick and the New Asian Chick have cropped up here and there, and they do speak now and again, but you’d be hard-pressed to name them, because they’re on the show so infrequently. The only ethnics left who still have significant roles are Dorota, the Waldorfs’ Polish maid (ethnic in the old school sense and a more politically-correct, non-WASP buffoon), and Vanessa, who I still contend is coded brown, mostly because of the gigantic earrings she always wears, but their place in the GG hierarchy has more to do with money and education (and their lack thereof) than with ethnicity, perceived or otherwise.

Which is fine by me, because ethnicity is clearly beyond the show’s reach. People of color on the show have been portrayed about as accurately as Yale was in Episode 6 of this year, when the Dean was depicted as a George Plimpton-esque bon vivant who had nothing better to do than play parlor games with prospectives and the co-ed, secret senior society Skull and Bones was THE Skull and Bones, all-male, and had a boner for Chuck Bass, who is still in high school.

Speaking of Gossip Girl‘s resident bad boy, Chuck seems to be the only character still dabbling with the dark side (i.e. the non-white). Whether it’s his rendezvous with that Japanese flight attendant earlier in the season, or his coy reference to his “daily shiatsu” a few episodes back, or the intriguing preview we got at the end of Monday night’s episode (see below), Chuck’s escape from the restricting corset of Upper East gentility usually involves a skeevy dive into the Otherworld:

Is that an Oriental massage parlor I see? An opium den? An Oriental massage parlor/opium den? What’s with that Asian drumming music? Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with Chuck’s downward spiral into abject hedonism–the most interesting if overacted plot development of the show thus far–but please, for the love of sweet white Jesus, leave us out of this.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

October 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Happy birthday to our favorite Harajuku slave owner people-as-accessories designer style biter pop songstress Gwen Stefani, who turns 39 tomorrow. Because Gwen is no longer “just a girl,” it’s probably time for her to say goodbye to the folly of her bygone youth–and by that we mean, STOP KEEPING HUMANS AS PETS AND INVEST IN A SHITLOAD OF EYE CREAM, YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT.

Source

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The Ethnically Unambiguous Are So Last Season

September 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


For those of you unfamiliar with the makeover episode of America’s Next Top Model, know that it typically brings out tears, and I’m talking Niagara-like lacrimation. When Cycle 11′s aired last week, the person who did the most crying over her new look was Elina Ivanova, a 19 year-old originally from Ukraine, to whom the show inexplicably gave the hair of the creepy, ‘roided-out comic Carrot Top. Elina hated her fiery weave–which was heralded as a first in “Top Model History,” undoubtedly for its aggressive fugginess–but she managed to move past that and win the swimsuit photo shoot in the end anyway.

As a rule, the previous week’s winning shot goes up in the contestants’ house the following week to motivate the other girls. Elina’s photo was shown several times over the course of last night’s episode, with some flattering quotes from the judges captioning it, one of which was “ethnically ambiguous.” Tyra had told the aspiring model the week before that that was how the new hair made Elina look, and she meant it as a compliment.

The phrase “ethnically ambiguous,” however, strikes me as praise of the backhanded variety. Often, it’s really just a gentrified way of saying “not too ethnic.” Or “not too dark.” Or “not too slanty-eyed.” Or “not too flat-nosed.” In August, before New York Fashism Week, a top casting director for the shows told Models.com that one thing the fashion world is embracing right now is precisely that imprecise look:

Another thing this season is trying to discern from all the girls out there the ones that are ethnically ambiguous. Girls and boys that have faces that you can’t just put in a certain place or race or geography. I think it’s very helpful to see those types of faces in our conflicted world because you can see that we’re still evolving as humans and they are the results of people willing to go beyond the socially constructed notions around race…

And, you know, he may be onto something, in terms of “socially constructed notions around race,” but what about our socially constructed notions around beauty? Is this latest notion of beauty a reflection of globalization and the world getting smaller or is it spin on an old idea, that “ethnic” faces are beautiful so long as they still conform somewhat to Western standards of beauty (i.e. so long as they still look kinda white). If faces that can’t be put in a certain place, race, or geography are desirable right now, what about faces like mine that most certainly can? Are they yesterday’s news? Are they a bit played? Should I stow my face for a few seasons like all those smock dresses I wore in 2006 until ethnic specificity makes a comeback? This comment about ethnic ambiguity was cited as the second key fall trend; the first was “the tomboy look.” Now it’s easy to go out and get a bowl cut and boyfriend jeans and copy Katie Holmes, but it’s not quite so simple to change your ethnic makeup. And since ethnic ambiguity is considered a “trend,” that means it’s only a matter of time before people tire of it and it will be replaced by something else. What will the “ethnically ambiguous” do then? Make themselves “more ethnic”? Play up the racial drag–kink that hair, chink that make-up? Go into hiding?

I think I have some space for the ethnically ambiguous in the back of my closet when that time comes, somewhere alongside all of my pointy-toed flats, boot-cut jeans, knee-length A-line skirts, those smock dresses that made me look preggo, and that pair of purple McQueen corset boots that would look killer on a pirate moonlighting as a hooker. In the meantime, it’s here in the dark, cluttered recesses of my closet where you’ll find me and my ethnically unambiguous face, as we wait for everything old to become new again.

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Who Needs Mannequins When You’ve Got Harajuku Girls?

September 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Our feelings of disgust toward Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku Slaves ebb and flow like the tide at Zuma Beach (Gwen’s second spawn’s namesake). Sometimes–between concert tours when the Harajuku Girls are on furlough–we get snookered into thinking that Gwen’s just a big-boned girl trying to balance fame, motherhood, crap songwriting, and exercise anorexia. Then we see promotional stunts like the one that went down in the windows of Bloomingdale’s on 59th Street this morning…



…and we remember all over again why we hate that no-talent cow.

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Thanks, Mary!

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Fashion’s Newest Inspirasian

August 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Bai Ling’s Red Carpet Band-Aids


Who knew that Bai Ling was, as Michael Kors would say in that gaysal (gay + nasal) voice of his…”high fashion”? Last week, the NY Times published a story about Band-Aids being the latest fashion craze and even cited Bai Ling as an early adopter.

What’s next? Nipple-slipples as the hottest red carpet accessory? Oh, wait…never mind.

Speaking of Bai and fashion accessories, our favorite alienasian boldly went where every man has gone before and attempted to explain why white dudes love Asian chicks on her blog last week:

Dinner was nice last night, meet with a good director and his chinese lovely wife and his Italian friend, its a trend that westen guys find Asian girl to be their girl friend and wife, they all attracted to the east, which I don’t belame them, we have the pointry the romance and the beauty and the mystery of sex……

…but not, apparently, the good spelling.

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Thanks, Ken!

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Hipster Accessorizasian

July 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Picking up where Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle left off comes Barack Obama Is Your New Fixie (if you have to ask what a “fixie” is, you are too old–that is to say, over the age of 25–not to mention deeply uncool). BOIYNF is for the hipster set and, rightfully, its sloganeering references all of the correct trappings, like Williamsburg, veganism, art school, and afterparties:


And, of course, the ultimate hipster accessory:


Don’t have an Asian girlfriend? Take heart, uncool losers–I hear they’re available over at American Apparel, in the vicinity of their ugly vintage glasses, shiny headbands, and latex leggings!


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Paging All Orphans

June 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Why the long faces?!


What’s up, little guys?! We’ve got great news. If you’re Asian, that is. Because we’ve just learned that Asian orphans are HOT HOT HOT! So stop your crying and all that tiresome bitching and moaning about losing your parents (jeez, we get it already)–and clean up those faces! Do you think fabulous people like the Jolie-Pitts adopt dirty children?! Turn that frown upside down! Help is on the way.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Gossip Girl

October 26th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Diana and I realized this week that we are masochists. What else explains why we subject ourselves to shows like A Shot at Love with Tila Tiqueerla or the CW’s Gossip Girl, which is not unlike gouging away at our eyeballs with thumbtacks?

Truth be told, we’ve been blinding ourselves with Gossip Girl to track the progress of the HARAGOSSIP GIRLS. You know, the Black Chick and the Asian Chick who never talk but always dress identically? Their name, for those of you just checking in with us, pays homage to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls, the original posse of Asian Chicks who trail their blonde master everywhere, never talk, and always dress identically.

The HaraGossip Girls are no different. They have more handbags than they’ve had lines on the show. But boy, have those bitches looked fierce.

Here they are in the pilot, mutely flanking Chuck, the James Spader-as-Steff-in-Pretty in Pink impersonator:

Then we have them in the second episode, “Wild Brunch,” trailing their owner Blair, aka A Poor Man’s Rachel Bilson:

I just love them as accessories! Oops–Freudian slip–what I meant to say was, I love their accessories! Where can I get me an ostrich bag?

And there was my own personal favorite, “Poison Ivy,” where everyone was trying to brown-nose their way into the Ivies:

And the sleepover episode, “Dare Devil,” where the HaraGossip Girls dared to give each other matching pearls!

Finally, this week, in the ever-so-aptly titled “Handmaiden’s Tale,” the HaraGossip Girls actually had one, two lines maybe–but that was only because they had to do the bidding of their master Blair, by helping Blair’s drippy boyfriend Nate, A Poor Man’s Ian Somerhalder (which is welfare-poor), “find” their owner at the masquerade ball.

“You look hot, betch.”
“No, you look hot, betch.”
“That’s what I said.”
“That’s what I said.”
“Are we the same person?”
“Are we the same person?”
“Stop it!”
“You stop it!”


But not to worry. This week, a new colored girl, Vanessa, was introduced as the old flame of Dan Humphrey, aka The Poor Kid, back suddenly from a year-stint in Vermont… and she talks! Here she is with her ex:

Her outfit suggests “Washington Heights Dominican,” which is wonderful, because now the show has all the colors of the rainbow reprzented. It’s clear after this week’s episode that this saucy Latina really wants Dan back. Does she plan to get between The Poor Kid and his Poor Little Rich Girl Serena Whoser Whatsen?

Hmm. Wait a minute. I’m getting a strong sense of deja vu.

Oh right. The exact same scenario happened in Josh Schwartz’s other pile of caca show The OC, when Ryan’s ex Theresa DIAZ suddenly reappeared in his life, preggers with an abusive boyfriend, whom Ryan saves her from, thus breaking up his improbable but hopelessly romantic Poor Kid/Poor Little Rich Girl relationship with Marissa.

So, to recap. What has DISGRASIAN learned from Gossip Girl thus far in the season? Colored girls are best suited to…shut up and look pretty. And when they don’t–boy, do they fuck things up for everybody.

Source: cwtv.com, aka The Garbage Channel

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