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When I was a kid, I thought it would be sooo cool to be an astronaut. I desperately wanted to go to Space Camp (and dreamt, too, of getting accidentally launched into space like in the movie). I was determined to rock a marshmallowy space suit. When the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up, I mourned it the way other people mourn the untimely death of a rock star. And the coolest thing of all about being astronaut, in my mind, was how it would win the approval of my Hardass Asian Dad, who occasionally worked for NASA.
Astronauts have always maintained their rock star-mystique for me, long after I gave up the dream. That is, until yesterday, when a few of them aboard the International Space Station drank their own (purified) piss:
Know what? It’s really not so cool to be an astronaut after all.
at the launch party for Tori Spelling’s new book, sTori Telling
BOBBY: We are faaaaabulous!
KHLOE: Who are you, again?
BOBBY: Who are you, again?
KIM: Bobby, your bony hips are blocking my ass.
BOBBY: Girl, the sun couldn’t cover your ass. Does anybody ever call you Kim Kard-ass-ian?
KHLOE: People call me “the fat one!”
KHLOE: It’s my fault, though… I should never wear pants like these.
BOBBY: Listen, Chubs, you have nothing to worry about. The one on my left is pushing maximum density here. If her face gets any bigger, her ass is going to start getting mad.
KHLOE: (laughs evilly) You’re BAD!
BOBBY: I AM! (snaps fingers)
KHLOE: That almost makes those icky shoes excusable.
BOBBY: These shoes are FIERCE!
KHLOE: When you say “fierce,” your eyes cross a little.
KIM: (snaps to) Guys, are you talking about something? I was busy trying to remember my middle name.
KHLOE: Did you remember it?
KIM: No. Wait, yes. It’s Kardashian.
KIM: (To Bobby) Augh… thinking is so bad for my skin. I think a lot and stuff, and like, I get this way all the time. It’s like, how am I supposed to remember the difference between left and right? Why do I have to know that the Earth spins around the moon? One night, I was trying to count how many guys have peed on me and I got so frustrated and tired I just fell asleep without Cecilia taking my makeup off.
KHLOE: (To Bobby) She can’t really count above forty.
KIM: Thirty-eight, Thirty-nine… shit! Um. Forty, Sleventy.
BOBBY: Wow. For the very first time in my life, I’m actually not the biggest mess here.
KIM: My name begins with a “K!”
BOBBY: Aren’t you guys Asian?
KIM: Kind of!
KIM: Yeah-huh. Kourtney told me were part Asian, technically.
KHLOE: Yeah, but remember when we met that bitchy girl Diana from DISGRASIAN? She pushed her glasses up her nose and told us that we should never call ourselves Asian in public. Then she said a bunch of big words that you didn’t understand, and you asked her if she was talking China-ese.
KIM: Oh, right.
BOBBY: (whispers to self) Oh thank you baby jesus. And thank you, Diana Disgrasian.
KHLOE: Take the picture! We’re starving!
Filed under: Ass, Bobby Trendy, Girls You Wish You Could Un-Meet, Messes, Ohmygod Shoes, Peeing, Really Dumb People, The Fat One Is Usually The Nicer One, The Kardashians, Tori Spelling Got A Book Deal?