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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

June 3rd, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to Angelina Jolie, who turns 35 Friday!

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she’s aging well.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she likes reading Asian languages.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she sounds a little Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

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Float On

April 30th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

My family fled war-torn Vietnam in June of 1975 by secretly hopping aboard a freight ship meant to carry textiles. Someone tipped my mom’s brother off to the opportunity and he immediately rounded up the rest of the relatives. They hastily collected their meager belongings, then hustled to the dock. My family was joined by about 200 other people on the shore. The ship docked and everyone quietly boarded the ship, tucking themselves into the dark nooks, while dozens of jumbo bins were loaded onto the deck. The ship left shore once again, and after a number of miles some of the bins began to move, as 150 more people emerged from underneath. They all went to America.

Every time my mom and I talk about this particularly fascinating bit of their story, we clash over one point.

I say, “So that’s how you came here!”

She says, “Yes, we came on a boat.”

I say, “Right. So you were boat people that came–”

She cuts me off and shrieks, “WE ARE NOT BOAT PEOPLE!”

I say, “Didn’t we just talk about the boat you came on?”

She says, “It was a freight ship!”

I say, “Isn’t a ship a large boat?

Then she stops talking to me. Moms are so weird.

Today, I saw photos of those womb-rumbling cutie patooties Maddox and Pax Jolie-Pitt cruising coolly around the canals in a sweet speedboat:




…and all I could think was, “Mom! Boat people are so AWESOME!”

[via Popsugar]

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What Kind Of Mom Is Angelina, REALLY?

April 2nd, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:

“Bill’s” testimony:

“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”

Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…

Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!

*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.

[In Touch: Exclusive Interview - The Ugly Truth About Angelina Jolie]

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Am I Supposed to Hate Angelina Jolie?

June 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Pro-woman scholar (we try not to use the “f” word, as in f*minist, here at DISGRASIAN) Naomi Wolf penned an essay for this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar, stating her case for why Angelina Jolie’s life is not only intriguing but admirable (and, um, pro-woman), her sphere of influence so very big and round.

Immediately after the article surfaced, scattered voices across the Interwebz snorted and scoffed. Jezebel, whose writers were shamed by Wolf after making asses of themselves on Lizz Winstead’s TV show, responded, predictably, very flatly. But perhaps that’s because Angie doesn’t inebriate as much as she did in her twenties, and only appears to fuck one person at the moment (how conventional!).

However, Double XX also found Wolf’s commentary absurd. The Washington Post‘s Liz Kelly found that the evaluation was downright anti-f*minist. And the celebrity blogs seemed to all share one snarky, repulsed, collective sniff.

So here I am, sitting quietly behind my laptop at DISGRASIAN HQ, wondering why I seem to be the only person that didn’t have that negative reaction. Am I some kind of sucker? Am I, like all those average girls, desperately in lust with Jolie’s pillow lips? And so ignorant of the world’s goings-on that I think she’s also some kind of brilliant saint (Wow, what’s Darfur!?)? Am I just soooo wishing that I was playing house with Brad Pitt? Do I secretly want to be really skinny with veiny alien forearms and big ol’ lady cans?

I don’t have a problem with Angie. I like her. I have seen her present some twisted, brilliant performances (Hello, Girl Interrupted!) and some incredibly fun ones (Gear-shifting in Gone in Sixty Seconds? Bending bullets in Wanted? Come on!). I appreciate the fact that she’s gone from Hollywood bebe to angry tween to escapist user to beautiful freak to self-taught scholar to loving mom, all seemingly without a life coach. I feel like she’s gone through some fucked-up shit, and she’s found the very best way to hold it together–which is to focus (even to the point of vomit) on improving the world she lives in.

Listen: from my experience, I don’t expect a lot from actors (or celebrities in general), save for they be really crazy, entirely full of themselves, convinced that they’re funny, dripping with bad house-decorating taste, and mostly intolerable to be around. If they do anything beyond that, like READ A BOOK, or do U.N. Ambassador work, I’m duly impressed.

Okay, okay. Let’s be real. Look at these cute fuckin’ kids:


Homegirl will never do wrong in my book, as long as those munchkins are around!

[Harper's Bazaar: The Power of Angelina]

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Thanks, Cate!

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Celebutardasian: The Kids Edition

November 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):

  1. Suri Cruise
  2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
  4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
  5. Sam Alexis-Woods
  6. Cruz Beckham
  7. Matilda Ledger
  8. David Banda
  9. Sean Preston Federline
  10. Sam Sheen

It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).

But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.


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Ain’t That America, You and Me (and the Jolie-Pitts)

October 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Seen in the German edition of Vanity Fair:

“For me, our family is just what America is – a melting pot, a mixture of many different races and nations,” she says. “My children should be proud of their Asian and African roots, but that in no way means [is] a lack of respect for the fact that they and their parents are Americans.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

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Parental Emulasian

October 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.

But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.

But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”

Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.

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Maddox and Pax: Imitasian Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

August 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


MADDOX: Goddammit, Dad, Pax copied me AGAIN. I get streaks in my hair, he gets streaks in his hair. Are you gonna let him get a mohawk, too?! Just cuz we’re both Asian doesn’t mean we have to look alike. Christ, I wish that little squirt would get his own steez.

PAX: Daddy, what is “steez”?

BRAD: It’s like this hat I’m wearing. Hats are a kind of steez. Before I started aggressively wearing hats in public, I was only known as, you know, the Sexiest Man Alive. But then, I got a steez, and I became, like, a satirist.

MADDOX: Sartorialist. You mean “sartorialist.”

BRAD: Man, you’re smart. How did a kid like you come from a guy like me?

MADDOX: Um, how do I put this? I didn’t.

BRAD: Oh. Right.

PAX: Daddy, this backpack I’m wearing is ugly. I want to get a one-shouldered bag like Mad. Please, please, pretty please?

MADDOX: Aw hell no.

BRAD: Come on, guys. Don’t fight. Not in front of the paps, anyway. We’re going to see some architecture in Venice today, remember? And you love architecture.

PAX: What’s “architecture”?

MADDOX: Oh please. We do not love architecture. What’s so great about looking at old, crumbly buildings? I want to shoot off some guns. Is there a gun range in Venice?

PAX: What’s a “gun”?

MADDOX: Jesus. I’m surrounded by idiots.

BRAD: True, but we’re gorgeous idiots. Would you be happier growing up in a family of ugly, unfamous geniuses?

MADDOX: Hmmm. Okay, good point. Not bad for an idiot.

BRAD: Yesss! So maybe you are a chip off the old block, huh?

MADDOX: Don’t push it.

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When Boat People Collide

May 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


MADDOX: Mom, are we boat people?

ANGELINA: Well, we are people. And we are on a boat.

MADDOX: Does that make us FOBs?

BRAD: Hey! Look at you! Speaking in arachnids! Aren’t you just a chip off the ol’ block?

MADDOX: I think you mean “acronyms.”

PAX: Even I know that.

MADDOX: Sheesh.

BRAD: You say potato, and I say tomato!

ANGELINA: What does FOB stand for?

MADDOX: Fresh off the boat. It’s a bad name, but I don’t know why.

BRAD: We’ll all be FOBs once we get off this thing. Woohoo!

MADDOX: Mom, make him stop.

ANGELINA: Brad, please shut the fuck up. You’re scaring the children.

BRAD: Whatever you say, Ange. Who’s the boss? You’re the boss. I’m just Tony Danza.

MADDOX: So is being a boat person a good thing?

ANGELINA: Let’s just say it’s a good thing, shall we? Here…snuggle up closer to Mommy.

MADDOX: Mom, between your fat boob and this life vest, I can’t breathe.

PAX: What about me? What about me?

ANGELINA: (to Pax) Hush, honey. Just let your hair grow.

BRAD: She’s the boss, Pax. You, you’re like the kid who wasn’t Alyssa Milano.

PAX: Is that a good thing?

BRAD: Course it is. Come here, my little FOB, and give Daddy a hug.

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This is no Pax-ing Thing

February 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between Pax and Maddox Jolie-Pitt in the Jolie-Pitt nursery, earlier this week:

MADDOX: (yawns)

PAX: (yawns) Guess what, Mad? I’m officially a Jolie-Pitt today. Mommy said so. We’re waiting to hear from a judge, but when he says everything is okay, we’re gonna have a cake party and I’ll get presents.

MADDOX: (snaps to) Wha? Was that today?

PAX: Yup.

MADDOX: (rolls eyes) Oh. Great.

PAX: And mommy says that if I want I can get camo pants like yours tomorrow.

MADDOX: Why do you want camo pants? My look is camo pants. I’m rough and tough! I’ve had a faux-hawk since the age of one, bitch! You look like you listen to emo.

PAX: I do listen to emo. What’s emo?

MADDOX: Whatever it is, you’re only allowed to wear Levi’s and Jack Purcells and cry through Death Cab for Cutie songs. You emoter.

PAX: What’s emoter?

MADDOX: Never mind. Stay off my pants!

PAX: But mommy said…

MADDOX: She’s not your mommy!

PAX: SHE’S NOT YOUR MOMMY!

(Incredibly, incredibly pregnant pause.)

MADDOX: (shaking it off) Man, isn’t it great being a Jolie-Pitt?

PAX: Totally. It’s like being the royalty of Narnia. I’ve completely forgotten everything before being Pax.

MADDOX: Nothing before that really mattered, man. Trust me.

PAX: One day, I’m gonna be the head of the U.N. Or an astronaut. Or a hedge fund manager.

MADDOX: I think I’m going to be professional athlete turned philanthropist. Or maybe President of the United States of America, like the band. We can do anything! In this family, we’re seeing, doing, smelling, tasting the entire world! We’re cosmopolitan, cultured, aware, tolerant, brilliant, beautiful people that will do incredible things one day! We’re special.

PAX: Awesome! (yawns) I’m so glad we aren’t stupid, fat, cracker honkies.

MADDOX: (snuggling down) Oh God, me too.

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Thanks, Slanty!

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Pedestrasians

February 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt,

Dude, high-five from your Vietnamese sister. What’s up, little man? You’re so cute. You’re so friggin’ cute. I’m so glad you’re not stuck in an orphanage in our homeland eating old rice with your fingers while wearing sandals made out of tires, peddling aluminum coke can helicopters to Isreali tourists. That would suck! Instead, you have scored in life, big time. You have an angelic face, you have bitchin’ hair, you still fit in little pants, and you have parents that will probably let you go out on Fridays and date before you’re 29 (bangs head on desk).

One thing: I’ve noticed over the last year or so, that since your supernatural adoption, you haven’t spent a lot of time on foot. I’ve been meaning to write you about this for months, but hesitated because I thought maybe you had a thing, a condition perhaps, some sort of foot measles or toenail infection or broken knees or something, and god, how awful would that be for me to bring up your “condition” on a public forum like DISGRASIAN? EEEK! I didn’t want to do it, no way. “Can Pax walk?” I only asked myself, because I was too scared that you couldn’t and that someone would think I was a total asshole for asking.

But then I remembered that Jen, my writing partner and pal, doesn’t judge. So I asked her if you could walk and she said yes, he actually went skiing last weekend! So then was like, fer sure that you could walk. PHEW! But just to get really really fer sure, I then found some pictures of you jumping alongside your mom (Side note: Where does she buy all of her flats? Are they all Lanvin?) so I think it’s all pretty much confirmed. You’ve got two feet, and you can get around on ‘em just fine. Sweet.

So just one thing. Not to be your Hardass Asian kinda-sorta-related-only-by-ethnicity sister, but shit, you’re no spring chicken, kid. I think it’s time to get to steppin’, if you know what I mean. And what I mean is, YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE CARRIED.

I get it, you’re roaming all around town, you get tired, you’re a little guy, blah blah blah. But I have a solution for that. Maybe what you need is a pair of those shoes with the rolly wheels!

I gotta say, these things are pretty cool. They freak me out a little, but that’s just jealousy talking.

So in conclusion, I think you and your family seem pretty happy, but I definitely think that if your lithe mama has to tote your tush any longer, homegirl is gonna exhaust herself like an anorexic marathon runner. Feel free to call me with any questions.

Talk soon! xoxoxoxoxo
Diana

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Upgradasian

December 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ohh boy! Looky loo at my lil’ Vietnamese soul bro Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt! His slacker haircut, that sly smirk, the bitchin’ blazer… he’s undergone a full makeover from the shy days of the past and homeboy looks GOOD.

Oh, Pax, baby, I like your style– screw the competition for cutiest of patootiest in that family (the bar is high), you’re forging the new title of MOST BITCHIN’. And we love it.

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