You are currently browsing posts tagged with Paris Hilton Should Expire

Paris Hilton’s “Gum” Keeps Her Out Of Japan

September 22nd, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Okay, a note to whoever cut the new NMA animasian detailing Paris Hilton’s arrest record in light of her recent guilty plea for coke possession: Please come work at DISGRASIAN. PLEASE. PLEASE. We can pay you in barbed compliments and brown liquor. And awkward hugs.

Here’s the piece I’m referring to:

What isn’t covered in the video is what happened the following day. Poor little Paris flew all the way to Tokyo to make promo appearances peddling her bag and fragrance lines, but was denied entry to Japan at Narita airport. According to HuffPo, “under Japanese law, immigration authorities are empowered to deny entry to those who have been convicted of drug-related offenses.”

Hilton’s rep, Dawn Miller, made a statement on the celebutard’s behalf:

“Paris was contractually bound to her business trip and didn’t want to let down her brands and many Asian fans. She intended on fulfilling her contract and is trying hard to do the responsible thing, but this is beyond her control. She is very disappointed by tonight’s events. Paris is shocked and apalled that a famous-for-nothing of her tenure might actually have to be accountable for her derelict actions, and face any sort of consequences for her incessant spittooeying in the face of the law.*”

Continue reading Paris Hilton’s “Gum” Keeps Her Out Of Japan

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But What’s Her Take On the Bailout?

October 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Of COURSE I think that the very suggestion of “Paris for President” (as opposed to really delightful ideas/jokes, like Murs para Presidente or McCain 4 Prez) is abominable. It’s not even funny. NOT EVEN FUNNY.

That is, unless nummy model William Chan (see above, right) actually would be one of Paris’s Secret Service men. In which case, she could very well have my vote.

Source Source Source

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Oh No Choodi’int!

October 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Part of the reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch MTV’s latest idiotic reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF–in which wannabe starfuckers vy for the slot as Paris’s main hanger-on–is that I can’t bear the thought of anybody, however tarderriffic they may be anyway, groveling at the feet of Paris Hilton.

Worse, I hate the thought of an Asian (especially a gaysian!) on his knees in front of that walking syphilis host!

Paris’s BFF Hopeful ONCH, rocking prayer hands the way they were never meant to be rocked

Ugh. Can somebody please explain to this fool that the golden people kneel for nobody? NOBODY.


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Paris Invasian

July 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Paris Hilton announced on her MySpace blog today that she will be joining the geeks and weirdos at this week’s Comic-Con, to promote her new movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Um, what’s up, va-Johnny come lately? Smarties, techies, geeks, and nerds are OUR territory, so bitch better be careful where she steps.

If Jen (who will be geeking it up in the Gaslamp, DISGRASIAN-style) catches so much as a glimpse of that smelly, fishy, stupid ho-bag, I guarantee that there’s going to be an ugly scene. A very ugly scene.


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Shaman on You: Maxie Santillan Speaks!

March 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Paris Hilton’s “shaman,” whom she’s been seen around town with over the last week, has been exposed as a fraud. No, worse…he’s an actor. Maxie Santillan is his name, and he has appeared in Pirates of the Caribbean and various TV shows. Santillan identifies himself as Latino/Hispanic on his MySpace page and, despite not really being a spiritual adviser, he has some enlightening things to say there. Under “Heroes,” Santillan lists “Me, Myself, and I” and, under favorite books, he writes, “I have not made my autobiography yet.”

Following his outage, Santillan released this statement:

“Hey dudes! How’s it hangin’? So, like, guess you heard I’m not technically a ‘guru’ per se exactly, but there are some key things you should know about me. I’m a full-on Capricorn, a practitioner of bikram yoga over the course of the last 15 days, and I have been known to be a spiritual adviser and healer…between the sheets. And, no, I didn’t ‘go there’ with Paris, even though she wanted it, but I was all, ‘Stay pure, girl, go to the light. Fly little birdie, fly.’ Also, I rub a crystal in my armpits instead of deodorizants. So in a sense of speaking, I was helping her on a path of enlevitation and visionating. Yeah, and um…guess that’s all for now. Hit me up for a headshot, Hollywood. I also do children’s parties.”

Thanks, Jasmine!

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January 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Paris,

Perhaps we’ve misjudged you and we have more in common with you than we’d previously imagined. Seeing you shred that Gibson Les Paul Guitar Hero controller at Sundance, we thought we could bury the hatchet by extending an offer to all play together. We’re thinking Face-Off or Battle mode in Expert would be sporting; you bring your own ax. We’ll let you pick the songs, although Diana’s partial to Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Pride and Joy and I’m kinda fond of Iron Maiden’s The Number of the Beast or that noodlefest Cliffs of Dover. Anything with tons of hammer-ons, impossible chords, and weird rhythms. The place is Jen’s house. You say when you want your ass handed to you.


And in other Suckdance news–Sandra Oh, one of the festival’s jurors–turned up to a Park City Event ready to go…bowling!?

Sandy, I know we said we would leave you alone for a while because you stood up for the writers and you just seem like a coolass chick. But what is up with those jeans, gurl? They give you thunder thighs, and I know you ain’t got thunder thighs. And..oh shit…what was I saying? I think I’m having a bad acidwash flashback. Did some of that Rit dye travel up your pants to your hair, too? Are those strike streaks? What would you call them, lowlights or highlights? I’m thinking lowlights. Very low. lights. If you turned them down just a hair (yuk yuk) or twenty, I think they would be perfect.


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Paris Hilton: Be Inhospitable®

December 4th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’ve never really been a fan of Paris Hilton, but not for the obvious reasons. One time, while I was standing in line at the creepy Rite Aid near my house that Danny Bonaduce and Courtney Love frequent, Paris elbowed me out of the way so that she could thumb through the tabloids and find pictures of herself. The only other time I’ve been elbowed out of the way by a celebutard was when Martha Stewart cut the women’s bathroom line–which stretched for many sequined miles–in front of me at an awards show. Is it weird that both of these women went to jail?

Bad manners may not be jailworthy, but they are appalling. And Paris’ were once again on display during her recent romp through Asia. It was reported that, while in Japan, Paris hit Daikokuya, a high-end consignment chain. The store clerk working at the time said:

“She bought 28 items, apparently taking a fancy to bags from Louis Vuitton and Chanel, but also picking up accessories like earrings.”

The bill came to 1.8 million yen, about $16,000 US. Through an interpreter, Paris asked for a 5% discount. The clerk agreed, but then asked for an autograph. Paris said she’d give the signature up for another 5% discount. The clerk said she couldn’t do that, but the store ended up giving Paris 10% off anyway, even though haggling is just not done in Japanese retail stores.

“But I’m Paris! I’m below retail and above the law!”

What a cheap whore! Li-trally!

Source Source Source Source
Thanks Greenie!

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Paris is Burning

November 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

PARIS (TO SELF): Damn, I look good.

PARIS’ SELF: They can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Who can?

PARIS’ SELF: Everyone. We’re in China. Billions of people can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Even though I’m wearing tights?


PARIS (TO SELF): Oh, good. That’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Actually, I don’t think a qipao should ever be worn in such a way that the world can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Why not? It’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Let me correct that statement. No talentless white girl with a butter face and a flaccid ass should perform racial drag, just because she happens to be in Shanghai, by wearing a minidress that sort of resembles a qipao and rides up high to show her disgusting, drippy-looking rump.

PARIS (TO SELF): Oooomigod. You totally just said about 10 words I didn’t understand. What have you been doing with yourself, self?

PARIS’ SELF: Y’know, this and that.

PARIS (TO SELF): This and that? When you went out the other day you said you were going to go look at little dogs and shoes for me.


PARIS (TO SELF): Come closer. You smell like Chanel! Have you been hanging out with those DISGRASIAN girls again?


PARIS (TO SELF): You are! You know I don’t like them. They point out my body flaws. They’ve called me a cultural low.

PARIS’ SELF: They’ve seen your ass up close in a bikini and maintain that it’s falling faster than the stock market in 1929.

PARIS (TO SELF): The what in the what?

PARIS’ SELF: My god, you’re meaningless.

PARIS (TO SELF): I’m what?

PARIS’ SELF: This is a little too existential for you.

PARIS (TO SELF): This is too what and the who?

PARIS’ SELF: Burn this dress.


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Don’t Sweat It

November 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Many of us live in Los Angeles, and have the unfortunate here-and-there sighting/smell of celebutard pioneer Paris Hilton. As US Weekly often declares with glee, she pumps her fuel-guzzling Bentley with gas (“just like US!”), she lets her dog shit on the street (“just like US!”), she does her own grocery shopping wearing ugly $300 sweats that are falling off her cheesy, shapeless ass (“just like US!”), and ZzZZZZZzzzzz.

Breeze? What breeze?

Frankly, I blame Paris Hilton alone for the “sexy”-and-ugly- sweatoutfits-as-real-outfits epidemic that has spread through America’s young women over the last five years faster than a case of clap at a frat party. It’s slutty AND sloppy, and, contrary to my earliest predictions, doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. Maybe it never will! Augh… the very thought of this scares me more than hippies, let me tell you.

So when Hilton showed up in Shanghai for an MTV event this week, wearing her comfy clothes but remaining completely covered, I thought to myself: Self, maybe Paris Hilton is starting to take responsibility for the sloppy/slutty thing. Maybe she’s making an example of dressing drown without showing one’s dime slot!

But as I began to look closer at some of the other Paris-in-China, her long face struck me:

…as did her “Grammy feels like speedwalking today!” shoes:

…and I realized, Hilton isn’t through rocking the slutsuit. She just doesn’t give a shit about how she looks in China!!! And I said to myself: Self, if this bitch is gonna rock “comfy” looking like a ho for the paps in America/Greece/Italy/France/Spain, she sure as hell better do the same in the land of the almond-eyed! Are you with me, Self! We aren’t gonna take this sitting down!!! Give us all the slut you’ve got or give us nothing at all!

Then I realized that I woke up waaaay too early this morning.


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Paris Keeps Us Busy

September 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Paris Hilton is apparently so devastated by Rick Solomon’s sex tape betrayal (an incident that resulted in her entire “career”), that she can never trust a man again. There she is, pictured above, not trusting a man in her “Stars Are Blind” music video.

And here’s me, the very first Asian person ever to be stumped– having spent all morning asking myself how Paris Hilton has defied the age-old Theory of Evolution and why she isn’t laying around “expired” somewhere. Like on her bathroom floor. Because she forgot to breathe in. And then out. Then in again.

And of course, here’s Jen, playing the world’s smallest violin:


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