DISGRASIAN™

Goodbye Panda

Tai Shan, the panda Americans have watched with awe since his 2005 birth at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., is going home. On loan from China, Tai Shan was allowed to stay at the Zoo for two and a half years longer than originally agreed upon–but now he must head to his native soil to enter into the main breeding program at the Beifengxia base in Sichuan.

Baibai, Tai Shan

Sad, but neccesary. Let’s just hope that China doesn’t call in any of our other debts. [quivers]

[AFP: Tough To Bear -Washington Loses Panda Cub To China]

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Filed under: Breeding Program, China, Goodbyes, Homecomings, Little Bears, Loans, National Zoo, Pandas, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, Sadness, Sichuan, Tai Shan, U.S. Marines, U.S. Public Debt, Washington D.C.

Is There Anything Sadder Than A Sad Panda? [VIDEO]

Meet Jialing Chen. He’s 62 years old and works on Wall Street. He’s not an investment banker, however; he’s Sad Panda (and SpongeBob SquarePants some days). The Guangzhou-native-turned-permanent-U.S.-resident–who lost his Chinese restaurant waiter job in 2007 because his mother died and, as the eldest son, had to return to China to make funeral arrangements–makes $30 on a good day as Sad Panda. His wife works 7 days a week as a private nurse so that they can afford health care. Nevertheless, at the end of this month, Chen will lose his health insurance.



(interview/video by Columbia J-School student Michelle Tay)

When people talk about the recession being over, think of Sad Panda (and the other 15 million unemployed Americans). When people drag their feet on health care reform, think of Sad Panda. Shoot, when you think your life sucks or your job blows, think of Sad Panda.

[via Gothamist]

[Michelle Tay's Blog: always one foot on the ground]

Thanks, Jong!

Filed under: Forgotten People, Health Care, Health Care Bill, Health Care Reform, Immigrants, Jialing Chen, Michelle Tay, Pandas, Sad Panda, The Recession, The Recession Over, The Working Poor, Unemployment

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Shaq’s Chinese Is Improving

You may recall how, in 2003, before Shaquille O’Neal and Yao Ming’s first meeting on the NBA hardwood, Shaq attempted to reach across cultural lines and communicate with the then-rookie from China, saying on a FOX Sports show: “Tell Yao Ming, ‘ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.’”

To which Yao responded, “Chinese is hard to learn. I had trouble with it when I was little.”

But that was then, and this is nao, and when Shaq took a trip to the People’s Republic this month, he showed just how far he’s come in speaking China’s native tongue and understanding its culture.

First, he got lap-danced by a panda. Then, he visited a Shaolin temple, where he Tweeted:

Ive been alotta place but being at the shaolin temple n china has brouhht a tear to my eye buddha blessed

The Shaqlin Temple

After that, he vowed to bring this mysterious, mystical martial art known as kung fu back to his motherland.

This may still sound like ching-chong to you, but there’s no denying Shaq’s conversational tone has improved. And Mandarin, as everyone knows, is all about tone. So Shaq must be one cunning linguist. (That, or he has some sneakers to shill.)

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Filed under: Ching-Chongery, Ka-Ching Chong is the new English, Mandarin Speakers, Panda-ring, Pandas, Shaquille "Ching Chong" O'Neal, Shaquille O'Neal, Yao Ming

Next Thing You Know, They’ll Be Shaq-ing Up

Sure she can gyrate. But what about that bikini wax?

Something tells me this is what Tila Tequila would be up to if she REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

[via Yahoo! Sport UK + Ireland]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Bikini Waxing, Bizarre Photographs, Fascinating Body Positions, I Feel Dirty, Lap Dances, Midgets, Pandas, Sex Scandals, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, Tila Tequila

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Panda Gu Gu

Pandas don’t like to share toys. Zhang Jiao, of Anhui province, China, had to learn that the hard way this week when he entered a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo to retrieve a toy that his 5 year-old son had dropped in and got his ass tore up by Gu Gu, an 8 year-old, 240 lb. male panda (pictured left). Well, technically, it was Zhang’s legs that got chewed, and the Beijing News reported major ligaments were torn and Zhang (pictured below) required surgery.

This attack was the third of its kind perpetrated by Gu Gu in two years. The first occurred in 2007, when a drunk tourist went inside Gu Gu’s pen to try and hug the giant panda. When Gu Gu bit the man, the man bit him back. The second attack occurred in October, when a teenager entered what the AP called Gu Gu’s “exercise area” and was also bitten in the legs.

Now, we could come to one of two conclusions here. The first is that Gu Gu is one sickeningly cute but violent motherfucker with a really bad case of Zoo Rage. The second is that three different people entered the habitat of a large wild animal, threatened the big guy’s territory, and kinda got what was coming to them. Harsh, we know, and since we don’t like to kick a person when he’s down–and has both of his legs in casts–let’s just go with the former and call it a day, shall we?

Bad Panda! Bad, bad boy!

*slaps Panda on the wrists and then runs like hell*

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Filed under: Beijing Zoo Panda Attack, Panda Gu Gu, Pandas, Pandas Are Still Sickeningly Cute, Smart Moves, When Pandas Attack, Zhang Jiao

Post-Trypt

It’s taken awhile for us to get moving again after four days of turkey-stuffing-mashed potatoes-stuffing-nap-US Weekly Magazine-stuffing-red wine-turkey-pizza-Rock Band-stuffing-gravy-dog park-cookies-pie-ice cream-Contemporary Adult Fiction-mashed potatoes-white wine-aunts’n'uncles-brunch-scotch-Star Magazine-Facebook-gravy-tequila-cashmere throw blankets-stuffing-PayPerView movies-gratitude-turkey.

Fortunately, our pen pal Margie kicked off the morning with a photo of exactly how Jen and I are looking at DISGRASIAN HQ today:

I mean, we could look worse.

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Thanks, Margie!

Filed under: Adorable-ness, Animals are a Reliable Source of Joy and Awe, Awwwwwww, Contemporary Adult Fiction, Holidays, Pandas, Recovering, Sleepy People, Slow TImes, Tryptophan, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz

OMG PANDA CAM

Click here to kill yourself with cuteness.

[via BuzzFeed]

Filed under: Atlanta Fulton County Zoo, Giant Pandas, Kill with Cuteness, Panda Cam, Panda Cub Cam, Pandas, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, So Much Better than Watching Kung Fu Panda

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy birthday to Zhen Zhen and Su Lin, two panda bear sisters at the San Diego Zoo who turned 1 and 3 on Sunday. Here’s footage of them playing with their birthday cake:

If only we could bottle the magical cuteness of pandas–we’d be filthy rich!

Filed under: Bear Cubs, Better than Lexapro, Birthdays, FUZZY TUMMY FEELINGS, Having Your Cake and Climbing On It Too, Pandas, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, San Diego Zoo, Su Lin, Zhen Zhen

What in Holy Nagi Noda Is That???

You may or may not remember the Poodle Exercise Video (aka “FITNESS VIDEO for being appraised as an ‘EX-FAT GIRL’”). If you don’t, take a look; I guarantee it will soon be the coolest thing about your Monday morning. Nagi Noda, the creator of the poodle video, is a trippy Japanese artist who has directed music videos, commercials (for Nike and Coca-Cola), and short films, as well as created many interesting art objects, like the “Hanpanda” (half-Panda, half-other animal) and–her most recent creation–”Hair Hats”:

I swear to God it’s only a matter of time before you see one of these on some hipster in Echo Park or Atwater Village. And, frankly, nothing would delight me more, even though I hate hipsters.

To view more Hair Hats and other weirdly awesome stuff by Nagi Noda, go to her official website. Girlfriend even has a fashion label, too.

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Filed under: Art, Exercise Routines Performed by Actors Wearing Poodle Heads, Hair Hats, Hanpandas, Japanese Art, Multitalented People, Nagi Noda, Pandas, Women that Look Like Poodles

I Am Panda

This just in from Cannes:

“Zombie Pandas Overrun Film Festival: Jack Black Now Feared to Be ‘One of Them’”

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Cannes, Demented-Looking Creatures, Don't Get Me Started on Kung Fu Panda, Jack Black, Nightmares, Pandas, Please Don't Eat Me, Scary Shit, Zombies

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Vinod Gupta

Lame-Lame and Suck-Suck

After an overwhelmingly negative response to those Salesgenie.com ads aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl, chairman and chief executive Vinod Gupta of InfoUSA, parent company of Salesgenie.com, decided to pull the commercials two days later. And what did Gupta tell the New York Times in defense of the ads?

“We never thought anyone would be offended,” said Mr. Gupta, who developed and wrote both commercials himself.

TRANSLASIAN: I have my head up my ass. I can’t help it; it is a congenital defect.

“The pandas are Chinese,” he said. “They don’t speak German.”

TRANSLASIAN: Nothing coming out of my mouth makes sense, because it is up my ass.

Mr. Gupta said he planned to keep running the other Salesgenie commercial, featuring an animated salesman named Ramesh who speaks with an Indian or other South Asian accent.

The reason, Mr. Gupta said, was that “more people seem upset about the pandas than Ramesh.”

TRANSLASIAN: Yup. You guessed it. My head’s still up my ass.

“People have been making fun of my accent for years,” said Mr. Gupta, who described himself in the interview as half-Indian and half-Jewish. “And I love it.”

TRANSLASIAN: I hate myself. I have a gun in my mouth which is up my ass as you all know by now. Oh, the taste of hard, cold metal on my tongue inside a soft, warm ass-chamber!

Get a fuckin’ muzzle, Vinod!

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Filed under: Accent Eliminasian, Half-Indian All DISGRASIAN, Heads Up Asses, Pandas, Ricism, Salesgenie.com Blows, Some People Need Muzzles

Accent Eliminasian

Angry Asian Man first warned y’all about this Salesgenie.com Super Bowl ad, which aired yesterday to the tune of $90,000 per second and illustrates the all-too-familiar plight of immigrants with small businesses struggling to make ends meet:

And while everyone’s now talking about why this commercial is ricist, I want to focus on something else. Something important. Something really important:

Why the Panda Psychic does not have an accent.

A few theories…

1. The Panda Psychic was adopted by English speakers at a young, pre-verbal age.
2. The Panda Psychic is first-generasian. She was born in the States and is like any other red-blooded, Doritos-eating, gigantic pearl necklace-wearing American.
3. The Panda Psychic bought an accent eliminasian CD-ROM for $49.95 and lost her accent in 28 days.
4. The Panda Psychic is pretty. Pretty pandas don’t talk weird.
5. Wait, what’s a CD-ROM again?
6. Salesgenie.com is actually a subversive political organization that challenges stereotyping through bogus television advertising. One of the group’s many goals is to raise the bar on our discourse about race and identity. They know that what’s racist is the belief that ALL pandas speak in THE SAME ching-chong accents. I mean, jeez, what’s next…that all pandas look alike, too?

Filed under: Accent Eliminasian, CD-ROMS, Pandas, Psychics, Racist Commercials, Ricism, Sofaz, The Super Bowl