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Pandas are sickeningly cute. But they’re also dumb as fuck. They survive almost entirely on bamboo, which poses all kinds of problems; they frequently kill their young by accident or neglect; and they seem to have something against sex and reproducing more sickeningly-cute-but-dumb-as-fuck panda spawn.
Researchers at the famed Hetaoping Research and Conservation Centre in Sichuan Province, China, have been working their asses off to keep these adorable dummies from disappearing off the face of the planet, and one of their innovations is dressing themselves up in panda suits when it comes time to introduce the real pandas into the wild. To, presumably, get those pandas raised in captivity used to being around other pandas, or something like that?
No idea if it’ll work–the last panda the Hetaoping researchers introduced into the wild, Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! The People In The Panda Suits
Filed under: Adorable, Awwwwwww, baby pandas, Bear Hugs, China, Dumb Animals, Endangered Species, FUZZY TUMMY FEELINGS, Giant Pandas, Hetaoping Research and Conservation Centre, Into the Wild, Panda Hugs, Panda People, Panda Suits, Pandas, Pandas Are Dumb As Fuck But We Love Them Anyway, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, People in Panda Suits
When I was sixteen, my family’s dog, Rocky–a seven-year-old, sweet, chubby Doberman Pinscher–got very ill one afternoon. When I arrived home from school, he was lethargic. Within an hour, he got much worse and was unable to walk, his breath shallow. I took him to the vet and watched as he became weaker and started to show signs of jaundice.
Within hours, my family and I learned that Rocky’s liver was failing. He was going downhill quickly. We raced him to a larger facility in an attempt to rush him into emergency surgery. He didn’t make it there, though; he died in my dad’s arms.
The vets confirmed that Rocky had been poisoned. The rat poison, tucked into treats, had been fed to him the day before. There were no poisons of the kind at our home. And though we have a hunch, we’ll never know for sure who did it to him or why.
I don’t have to tell you this–I know many of you are dog lovers and parents, like Jen and myself–but I would not wish this kind of tragedy on my worst enemy, not even on the most disgraceful DISGRASIAN. Having an animal member of your family taken away from you feels like having your heart ripped out of your chest–the worst part perhaps being that the cruelty isn’t even acted out on you, but rather on something so innocent and undeserving, so unable to plea for help or understand why something bad is happening to them. The pain is indescribable.
When Jen and I read on Angry Asian Man that a Houston man, Qian Feng, had been arrested for plaguing his neighborhood with strychnine-laced cheese balls intended to kill local pet dogs, both of our stomachs tied up in knots. He was caught on video after a woman whose dogs almost died from the cheeseballs installed security cameras, capturing his second attack–I applaud her for taking the legit and legal route to justice, which is hard during such emotional matters.
Aw, look, a panda kindergarten! Let’s watch the video:
Waitaminute, what the heck kind of kindergarten is this? Where are the books and the pencils? Where is the discipline? Where are the uncomfortable desks? Why aren’t the pandas queueing up in perfect lines, reciting memorized poems and literary selections? Where are the abacuses? Where are the violins?
[via NY Post]
Tai Shan, the panda Americans have watched with awe since his 2005 birth at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., is going home. On loan from China, Tai Shan was allowed to stay at the Zoo for two and a half years longer than originally agreed upon–but now he must head to his native soil to enter into the main breeding program at the Beifengxia base in Sichuan.
Sad, but neccesary. Let’s just hope that China doesn’t call in any of our other debts. [quivers]
Filed under: Breeding Program, China, Goodbyes, Homecomings, Little Bears, Loans, National Zoo, Pandas, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, Sadness, Sichuan, Tai Shan, U.S. Marines, U.S. Public Debt, Washington D.C.
The good news is that this is potentially the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen.
Which means we at DISGRASIAN™ may be finished.
Goddamn you, Jasmine. Goddamn you! (Oh wait!! I’ve still got it…!)
Filed under: Adorable-ness, Baby Pandas In A Crib? Seriously?, Icy Hearts, Intern Jasmine, Jessica Simpson, LA Lakers, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, Taking a Hating Break, Tila Tequila, Unfamiliar Warm Feelings
Happy Birthday to us
We sure like to cuss
And since it’s our birthday
Maybe y’all will make a fuss!
Fuss aside, it sure has been a great two years! Thank you–we love you for hanging with us for so long!
Click here to kill yourself with cuteness.
DIANA: Hello there!
JEN: I’m fuzzy!
DIANA: I can touch my head!
JEN: Oh my gaw, you are so goddamn cute.
DIANA: I know! And y’know what? YOU are ALSO so goddamn cute.
JEN: It’s true.
DIANA: Your nose is so pink. You really do look huggable.
JEN: I’m gonna look huggable forever, baby!
DIANA: Baby… panda, that is!
[They giggle cute panda giggles]
JEN: Boy, am I hungry.
DIANA: Me too!
JEN: Ya wanna know the one downside to being a panda? We’re vegetarians. No pork dumplings. Only bamboo!
DIANA: Oh, shoot! Get it, bamboo shoot?
JEN: Yes! Oh well!!! Who needs dumplings?
[They giggle cute panda giggles]
DIANA: Alright, let’s go make somebody smile.
JEN: (Pauses) Something’s changed about us.
DIANA: You think?
JEN: I think.
* actually, these twin Panda babies were just born a week and a half ago in central Japan. We’re resigned to the fact that we can’t be them, so we’ll simply just enjoy loving them. (Sigh)
Or, you’re like us, and your heart goes aflutter every time you lay your eyes on these smart, peaceful, cuddly herbivores. And you wince every time you hear about their endangerment and hope that they’ll never, ever, ever be extinct.
In which case, you’ll be happy to know that scientists from China, Britain, Canada, the United States and Hong Kong have finally finished sequencing the panda genome. Which allows us to understand more than we ever have about the panda’s habits, lifestyle, and needs to survive. Which makes the idea of a panda extinction even less of a imminent reality!
And we also think it spells out a future that includes: a panda for Jen, a panda for me, and a panda for each person that signs up for the DISGRASIAN RSS feed.
Filed under: DISGRASIAN Subscriptions Rule, Endangered Species, Genome Sequences, Hooraysian, Learning More, One Step Away From Extinction, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, Pandas for Everyone, Research Breakthroughs
If this photo of one-month-old panda cub A Bao yawning is enough to turn my vegetarian, dog-fostering, PETA-member friend into a gushing and rabid freak–one that declares, “I want to keep him in a jar! Where he will yawn all day long! In my jar!”–who’s to blame for the downhill spiral? The too-fricking-cute panda or my friend?
I blame the panda. You can’t yawn like that and expect to be left alone.
Filed under: "Jars of Panda" Would Be A Great Band Name, Animal Lovers, Animals in a Jar, Awwwwwww, Disgrasianimals, FUZZY TUMMY FEELINGS, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, PETA, Yawning, Yawning is Adorable
Happy birthday to Zhen Zhen and Su Lin, two panda bear sisters at the San Diego Zoo who turned 1 and 3 on Sunday. Here’s footage of them playing with their birthday cake:
If only we could bottle the magical cuteness of pandas–we’d be filthy rich!
Ling-Ling–the female half (pictured right) of the couple brought to America by Richard Nixon in 1972 as a result of his initial peacemaking visits to China–died suddenly yesterday at the age of 23. She was the oldest living panda of her kind, outside of China, living in captivity.
We will miss little Ling-Ling, and we feel we knew her well. Here’s hoping she’s relaxing right now in a bamboo supernova in the sky. We’ll miss her fuzzy face!