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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Miss Universe Japan… Maybe

July 31st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

That’s Emiri Miyasaka (Miss Universe Japan) above, in a brand-spankin’-new national costume, which she will apparently be wearing to the big galactic competition on August 23 of this year.

Perhaps on first glance (if you didn’t, like, immediately splooge all over yourself) you reacted as I did: “Ugh. God. Awful.”

Or like the handful of angry readers that posted comments documented by Itai News (highlighted by Japan Probe, from whom we’re borrowing translation)–which accused her of mocking her home culture, then labeled her as “a national disgrace,” “perverted,” and a “stupid person” wearing a “stupidly designed costume.”

Leave it to my trusty partner-in-crime, Jen, to approach the outfit slightly more thoughtfully: “Yeah, it’s really pervy, but we are talking a beauty pageant“–an event where coating one’s teeth with Vaseline, shoving one’s tits up their chin with tape, and spouting ignorant drivel from the stage are all kosher, if not recommended. Jen also ventured that the outfit might even be evidence of progress: maybe the Miss Universe Japan people are boldly stepping ahead of the curve, finally recognizing that the world kinda views the Japanese as pretty… pervy, and they’re beating everyone to the punch. How forward-thinking of them!

After all, what’s the real disgrace here? That she’s wearing lingerie?

Hell, we’ve seen Rachael Ray in skivvies before, for crying out loud. Total NBD. Conservative Middle America still loves the woman. I could take her or leave her, but that’s hardly the point.

That turkey might think Ray is a disgrace, but he’s probably the only one.

And if we’re talking about being scantily clad, let’s not forget that Miyasaka will be obliged to trot around in an itty-bitty two piece for the competition, as will all of her competitors. I mean, check out the evening’s performers, for crying out loud:

Nothin’ but class in this act

By comparison, Miss Universe Japan looks covered up and downright bookish!

At the end of the day, regardless of its cosmic reach, we are in fact talking about a BEAUTY PAGEANT, not a post-doctoral graduation ceremony. Others may disagree, but in my eyes, this pageant is about as legit and respectable and culturally relevant as Star Magazine (perhaps less so). It’s a boiling cauldron of disgrace. It’s a disgrace diet shake.

Final thoughts: One thing I really, really, really, truly-ooly respect is Miyasaka’s hot legs. They’re awesome. Gotta give respeck where it’s due, y’know?

[Japan Probe: Is Miss Universe Japan's National Costume a National Disgrace?]

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Confucius Say: Panama Should Be Worry

May 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

¿Quién supo?

Philosophizing in both Japanese and Chinese during the 6th Century would confuse us, too.

[via Dlisted]
[Jezebel: "Such As" Is A Global Phenomenon]

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Some Pageants Don’t Pay

May 5th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

As a former Miss Little Saigon USA 2000 pageant mega-loser, I feel I can speak with some expertise on the matter of beauty pageants for Vietnamesers, staged in Orange County.

My god, how it pains me to admit publicly that I speak on this subject from a place of experience. But I do–and my experience (Listen, I swear this is not sour grapes talking) was just plain sketchy: backstage cheating, suspicious fraternization between contestants and judges, dubious scoring techniques, the works.

I would never contest that these contests are fair. But I must say, when I learned that last year’s Miss Vietnam USA (a different pageant, I think?) just waged a lawsuit against the organizers for allegedly flaking on her $10,000 cash prize and defaulting on the payments for her prize Mercedes, I immediately sided with her. I also thought:

Damn. These pageants way more fucked-up than I imagined.

And those, my friends, are two sentences I never thought I would hear myself, uh, think.

[Softpedia: Miss Vietnam USA Sues Pageant for Withholding Payment]

Thanks, G Scott! Uh–do better, TMZ.

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Miss California, Thank You

April 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

…for reminding me to be grateful for my right to “choose,” uh, “opposite marriage” in this fine, ehrm, “land.”

Wait, what??

[via @perezhilton]

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Daddy Likey

December 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The days are just packed for former Miss Universe Riyo Mori, who, now having passed on the crown to 2008′s winner from Venezuela, still feels as loaded with duty as ever.

As she told Japan Today in a recent interview, “I thought life would be more relaxed but I am still busy.”

We can only imagine what that must be like, especially because we know that the little miss as also a blogger (does that mean that she abuses caffeine and alcohol, flogs herself daily, and ritually beats her head on the desk, like we do?). Like us, she seems to get blasted with tons of reader mail. ““I get many questions, usually about how to be beautiful. Younger women ask me how to be beautiful outside, what cosmetic products to use, how I do my makeup, and so on.”

Jeez. That could take all day.

Fortunately, Mori is not without role models and mentors. When asked about Miss Universe owner Donald Trump, she was filled with praise:

“He was like a big daddy and very nice to me.”

Good to hear! Let’s just hope that daddy doesn’t spank.

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Weight, Wha??

December 15th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I just read that South Korean pop star Lee Hyori, who stands 5’4½” , recently revealed her weight of 53 kg (about 116 lbs) on the Korean variety show Family Outings. Those on the show apparently gasped! 53 kg indeed! In typical Hardass Asian fashion, the producers then had guest star Lee Su-Kyong (5’5″) step on the scale for comparison–her 101 lbs return was received much more kindly.

The shocker of Lee’s big “weight” is now hot blog news. What a fatty! …My jaw is on the floor, guys. I mean, huh?

Mind you, by pretty much all weight indexes, the minimum healthy weight for someone a half-inch shorter than Lee would be 116 lbs., and anything below that worthy of some concern. Take a look at her, in the photo to the left (ignore the fact that her right arm appears to be missing and that she’s wearing a flapper shirt as a dress). The girl is healthy, and borderline too-tiny. So why the gasps? I expect that kind of scrutiny from cruel little hens like my grandma and aunts, not cool kids in the blogosphere!

This whole episode is hammering me with flashbacks from my one traumautic experiment in pageant competition–wherein my competitors and I were required to parade down the catwalk while being introduced. Correction: while being introduced and having our respective heights and weights announced over the mic. I stand 5’8″–about a head taller than almost all of the other contestants–and even at my broke-collegiate-biking-and-walking-everywhere-cuz-I-couldn’t-afford-gas-for-my-compact-car weight of 127 lbs (a number I now laugh at in my far-too-wealthy-or-at-least-hungry-or-ok-I’m-old-and-busy-and-hate-exercising-too-much-to-be-skinny stage), my weight was digits above all of the other 93 lb midges in the quest for the crown. They were horrified by the sound of “hundred something pounds.” They all begged me to lie–”It sounds better,” they urged. “Just say 99.”

I couldn’t say “99.” I was too proud. The girl before me, a sweet, doe-eyed thing that was about 5’9″, maybe 160 lb, walked up on the stage and I listened for her numbers overhead. The announcer’s voice boomed: “Five-foot-nine, and ninety-nine pounds.” The audience clapped politely, taking no notice. I heard my name and stepped up for my turn.

“Five-foot-eight, and one-hundred twenty-five pounds (Yes, I lied a little).” I could’ve sworn I heard him chuckle.

The audience gasped. In the far back corner of the room, I saw my grandma smack her forehead with her soft, wrinkled, jade-baubled hand.

And as you probably remember, I didn’t make it to the pageant semi-finals. Was it because of the gasps? I’ll never know. But I wouldn’t be surprised–just like I’m not surprised that all of these blog hawks jumped on this little pop star. Of course they gasp! After all, THEY ALL SUCK.

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Crowning Around

July 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The reigning Miss Washington, Elyse Umemoto, has been getting a lot of flack over a couple of racy candid photos that leaked on the Internets this week. TMZ called her “a bad apple,” the Miss Washington Scholarship Organization said they were “embarassed by the pictures,” and the pageant queen (whose term ends this Saturday) issued a public apology today.

Quite the brouhaha. Them’s must be some dangerous pictures! So what’s all the fuss about, really?

We took a look at the snapshots and have delivered an assessment on Umemoto’s real crimes below.

Umemoto and friend flipping off camera

CRIMES: Ungraceful bend of index finger, wearing stupid pageant crown in public.

Umemoto and friend suggestively licking a bottle of Malibu rum

CRIMES: Drinking pussy-ass Malibu rum like a bunch of fucking novices. Get a bottle of Macallan 12, for the love of GOD!

Umemoto and friend making obscene finger gestures

CRIMES: Purple eyeshadow and lurex top, fraternizing with actual frat boys. Also: if you’re gonna front that you like cooch-licking, don’t waste time with the peace sign. Use a cooch.

Shirtless Umemoto with friend, in the mirror

CRIMES: Vanity, ugly bra, ugly friend.

Umemoto suggestively close to friend

CRIME: Frightening proximity to blue eyeshadow.

Umemoto with friend and curling iron

CRIMES: wielding a deadly weapon, unauthorized use of the stupid pageant crown, harboring scary friends, crazy face.

Oh goodness.

Ooof. Now that we’ve assessed the extent of the damages, we actually do think she might owe us all another apology.

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Miss Take

March 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


1) As you know, I speak from firsthand experience: beauty pageants are fucktarded.

2) Girls that sound like the midget from Twin Peaks should not take part in the interview portion of any pageant.

3) “Best in Swimsuit” only gets you two things in life: points in a beauty pageant and tappin’ from the back. Both will probably lead you into a tumultuous relationship with Travis Barker.

4) The father of any 17-year-old who has been seen by more than 0 people in a gold bikini loses a year off of his life. Are you happy now?

5) The Hardass Asian Parents of any person who does not answer “What role did your family play in [insert anything]” by immediately saying, “My mother and father worked so hard all their lives, sacrificing so much, so that I could be healthy, get a good education, acquire many talents, and succeed. With them I would be nothing, and I do everything to honor them out of gratitude” loses 5 years off of their lives. Are you happy now???

6) Nervous laughs make me nervous.

7) Being Asian means never having to say, “I’m so sorry.” Partly because you never do anything to be sorry about; partly because even if you did so something sorry-worthy, you still wouldn’t say it.

8) Excuses are for mediocre people. My grandpa never said, “this is my first attempt at fleeing a war-torn country, sooooo sorry it’s rough around the edges!” And the only people that say “I’m only 17″ because they can’t answer a simple question are the same kind that celebrate getting their GED while pregnant.

9) Pretty, dumb girls WIN AT LIFE ALL THE TIME. And this pageant was no different.

10) I’m still bitter about never getting to wear a cubic zirconium crown.

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Judgment Dasian

December 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We’re all friends, right? We’re past the point of judgment. I love you for who you are (unless you’re Moe), you love me for who I am, and we all love Jen, cuz she’s just so damn cute.

So I’m going to admit to something I rarely even let myself remember, and don’t feel is in my best interest to share, but this is a safe space, and if I don’t tell you I can’t share the other thing I want to share blah blah blah!


So when 1999 turned into 2000, I competed in a pageant (YES–SHUT UP) for the title of “Miss Little Saigon 2000.” I’m not proud of it, but I can’t be fully ashamed. I was poked and prodded by family to do it, and the prize was some ridiculously wonderful thing like gobs of money and trips around the world (yes, we’re all sellouts), and quite frankly, I desperately wanted to get a traditional ao dai dress made…

(not Diana)

…and a little frock from Prada. Got both. Phew! ANYway, when the big night came it was the spectacle of spectacles: me walking along a T-shaped runway alongside 20 other girls that were all much skinnier, oh-so delicate, and far more “Miss Little Saigon” than me. I took one long survey of my competition–all of the beautiful girls with their porcelain hands and teeny wrists and sequined eveningwear–and instantly knew I was going to lose. Their Vietnamese speech was perfect, their demure laughs so dainty! I didn’t have a chance. Or did I? I was different–no! unique, with curves (fat) on my waist and personality (jokes that no one laughed at) working for me. I bit my lip and hoped hard. Maybe the judges would have a soft spot for me.

But as my eyes cruised to the judging panel and saw a mess of plastic surgery-mangled noses, skinny wrists, steely eyes, and bedazzled gowns, I knew that would not be the case. The head judge looked at me, clucked her tongue, and shook her head. Was this the end?

Yes. I totally lost. Hell, I didn’t even make it to the semi-finals. L’sigh.

But seven years later, I still blame those bitches in the judging panel, all of those huffy and overly made-up snobs, for my demise. It should’ve been me!! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.

Which is why I was so pissed today when I saw that one of those bitch judges apparently made it on the cover of the new issue of Jet:

…Which has simply reminded me of the injustice. It’s lit a fire under my ass, and I’ve got a message for her:

I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN, BITCH!!! REVENGE WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Miss Universe 2007: When Crowning Miss Japan Goes Awry

May 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Yo Miss Japan, enjoy the crown. How’s that fitting? It’s heavy and I hope it gives you migraines and crown head. Are you one of those Harajoekcooku Girls or whatever?”

“Have a great year, bitch.”

This and more here.

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Miss USELESS Pageant Tonight

March 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Drunk Girl/Coke Whore/reigning Miss USA Tara Conner will finally hand over her crown this evening. Congrats, Tara. It’s been, like, a total annus horribilis! The upshot is you’ve only checked yourself into rehab once in an entire year, unlike some people.

“You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”

Uh, I am talkin’ to you-know-who, but I digress. The real story here is that judges for tonight’s Miss USA pageant include Vanessa Minnillo, herself a former beauty queen:

And Kimora Lee Simmons, a former…


Source: Taxi Driver

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