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Page Six, ever the bearer of truthful word, reported today that wow-and-I-do-mean-wow-face Mickey Rourke was accosted by Bai Ling at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont just the other night. In Richard Johnson’s own icky words, the odd duo “made out and partied pretty hard.”
I’ll be honest. My gut reaction was to write: Dude, I thought Rourke was freaking uh-mazing in his unrelenting lead role in ‘The Wrestler‘. That, however, did not cause me to hearken back to his younger, more beautiful days, and rekindle a desire to suck his mangled face. Dude, Bai. Do your Adductor thigh muscles only respond to IMDB stats? What is the deal?
Then, of course, I had to go and do what I loathe most: a little research. This naturally led me down a slippery slope to one of Bai Ling’s online biographies–which includes the following blurb about her personal life:
She is friends with Kimberly Stewart. She dated a play actor in the mid-1980s in China, and music composer Qu Xiao-Song in the mid 1990s, and Chris Isaak 1999-2001. She was briefly said to be romantically linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Rumors spread that Bai was engaged to him, but Carter denied the rumors, saying they were “just friends”. More recently, Ling has been linked to Dionne Warwick’s son, Damon Elliott, though the two are not currently dating.
ZzzZzZzzzzSo… okay. How can anyone with even a pittance of warmth in their heart (that’s about all I’ve got) look at that sad little collection of facts and not feel kinda bad for the poor woman? Ling’s personal life, despite her fondness for dancing and easily accessible breasts, actually seems duller than Sienna Miller’s mangy hair. I wouldn’t wish that kind of dry love life on anyone, not even this crazy bitch.
So instead, I’m really very psyched for Ling, and happy about the fact that she got some aggressive tongue action the other night, even if it makes me go “Eww.” Here’s hoping she got felt up and maybe even fingerbanged! Anything to spice up that sad little paragraph.
And–guys, take a look at Rourke’s fuckin’ FACE!–I do mean anything.
The final showdown of MTV’s red cup-fest A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila goes down next week, and blogs across America are wildly abuzz: WHICH LOVER WILL TILA CHOOSE??
Will it be…
either way,we can’t believe they both still care and/or don’t have
managed to escape Tila’s embrace without an onslaught of V.D.
WHO WILL IT BE? WHO WILL IT BE? WHO WILL IT BE?
Oh who are we kidding? We don’t care. Nay, we don’t give a shit.
As we’ve maintained from the beginning, Tila is a poseur, fame whore, and most importantly, a homisogynasian drive-bi. We’ve never bought her bi-curiosity, only been amazed by her ability to turn a cache of zzzZzZztitillating web cam videos of herself sharing brisk kisses with gal pals into a much-discussed multi-episode reality series. Entrepreneurial? Sure. Bisexual? Not on your life.
Sure, people may have thought we were just hating on the short little trollop, ’cause we were jealous or somethin’. That was, of course, until Page Six chimed in–albeit eight episodes too late. As they report, an inside source says Tila has a boyfriend, and the sexy sexual curiosity thing has all just been a sham all along! Wow! Shocker!
That’s funny, she didn’t seem to mention any boyfriend when she was on Tyra Banks’ talk show, gushing vaguely and unconvincingly about how she’s been sneaking around “like [in] a movie” with the winner of the show–oops, we mean, the winner of her love–since they wrapped.
It all makes us wonder if the trifecta (secret boyfriend, show winner, and the drive-bi) are all involved in A Shot At Love’s second season, which has apparently been in motion since October.
After all the excitement of this fake season, one can only hope so. Can we make just one brilliant suggestion: ORGY PARTY!!!! WE’LL BRING THE RED CUPS.
Cuz I’m pretty sure we said loud and clear–nearly two months ago–that Tila “Drive-Bi” Tequila’s ratty old bisexuality ploy was a scam.
LOUD AND CLEAR.
What, with our millions of devoted daily readers and the simplicity of our LOUD AND CLEAR articulation, the world should have heard the truth right away–Tequila is a played, midget faker–and just let her go, like we always thought they should. She’s boring Reality TV, and that says something. Moreover, she’s a disgrace to Asians, to short people, and people of every sexual orientasian.
She’s also a disgrace to liars, because we called her out from a mile away. Wow, what a low.
Anyway, we think it’s pretty frickin’ bizarre that Page Six has the audacity to think they busted Tila’s shit last week with this zzZZzZzzzjuicy itemzzZZZzzZZzzzzz:
SELF-proclaimed bisexual MTV skank Tila Tequila may actually be straight as an arrow. The gay-for-pay bikini babe stars in a “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila,” about her search for the perfect mate – male or female. But it’s “all a sham,” says a source close to the show. “Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she’s not really bi. She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she’s single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, “who’s like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.” Tequila has also been acting like “a diva” and become a “nightmare to work with,” said the source. “She arrives late and doesn’t talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on.” A rep for Tequila said, “I’ll confirm that she’s bisexual and she’s a delight to work with.”
Uh, sounds vaguely familiar. zzZZzZZzzRichard JohnsonzZzZZZzz, have you lost your touch? Because not only is your steez sooooooo two months ago, but you are clearly not reading our blog and apparently don’t know that homies that don’t Reco-nize betta watch their back. If you know what I mean. Hope this is loud and clear: YO, RICHARD JOHNSON. GIVE DISGRASIAN OUR DUE PROPS OR WATCH YOUR FAT, OLD BACK.
Page Six reported yesterday that Hank Azaria, who does multiple voices for The Simpsons, went on an internet talk show recently and claimed that The Simpsons no longer employs George Takei to do voiceovers because “he ‘creeped out the staff’ and kept calling one of the interns ‘sweetie.’”
HAYDEN: OMG. I am so uncomfortable right now.
GEORGE: What’s wrong, sweetie?
HAYDEN: It’s like creepy-crawlies are under my skin.
GEORGE: Oh, sweetie, you poor thing.
Is George Takei creepy? Hmm…I feel like we’re not getting the full story here from Page Six (imagine that). But about George calling one of the interns “sweetie,” isn’t that, for a gaysian, like, um…what am I trying to, um, say here…um…oh right!
Isn’t that like me saying, “um”?