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Oh, how I hated Dickens as I was growing, or rather, tumbling up. I remember the Signet Classic version of A Tale of Two Cities sitting on my desk during the fall of my freshman year of high school, taunting me with its archaic language and hateful characters and seemingly convex plot. I didn’t want to read it. Hell, I didn’t even want to smell it. Dickens didn’t “get” me, and I simply refused to “get” Chuck.
This proved to be a problem on the day our first Accelerated English book reports were due. My teacher (who was–completely unrelated to this story, but fascinatingly–fired the following year for sleeping with a varsity cheerleader) expected three to five pages on A Tale of Two Cities. My friend Margaux had printed and bound hers eons before we needed to turn them in. But I hadn’t read the book three weeks before the due date. Or two weeks before. Or two days before. The afternoon before it was due, I bought the CliffsNotes and read only through the general synopsis before I fell asleep staring at the black-and-green screen on my PC.
When I got a C-minus on my report, which made such groundbreaking statements as, “A Tale of Two Cities is a truly historic piece of literature,” and “Not surprisingly, Dickens shows a magnanimous sentiment of disdain for the established aristrocracy, which he brilliantly shows in the tumultuous story plunge of Darnay,” I wasn’t surprised. But I was especially sickened to see the comment, “You didn’t read the book. See me after class,” scribbled on the back of the last page. Thankfully, my teacher was a sucker for a sweet girl (see above) and eventually agreed to let me re-do the report for a chance at a whopping A minus–But not without teaching me a lesson: ALWAYS BE PREPARED.
I was surprised today when I saw comments from Hillary Clinton–who has been documented as such a perfection-driven, ambitious student of excellence that I’ve always considered her to be Asian–regarding Barack Obama’s hotly-discussed, highly-televised, much-anticipated speech regarding race, religion, and his Reverend:
Either m’lady was the day’s biggest liar or supremely ill-prepared, but something about today’s statement gave me flashbacks of my poorly executed five-paragraph expository essay. If any of you know Hill, can you please remind her of the section in the DISGRASIAN sidebar: “DO YOUR HOMEWORK?” It’s also very important.
This afternoon’s phone conversation between Diana and her Aunt Mai:
DIANA: (in botched Vietnamenglish) Hi, Co Mai!
AUNT MAI: Hi honey. How you?
DIANA: I’m good! I’m good! Just catching up on the news.
AUNT MAI: Me too, honey! I read in newspaper today that Tiger Wood do wery well in golf show!
DIANA: I think it’s “Woods,” Co Mai. Which golf tournament? The Dubai Classic? Is that happening right now?
AUNT MAI: Yes. In newspaper it say Tiger Wood win Dubai Classic.
DIANA: It’s “Woods.” That’s great!
AUNT MAI: What you mean, “it Woods.” It Wood!
DIANA: Co Mai, I think I know who Tiger Woods is.
AUNT MAI: YOU CALL AUNT MAI LIAR? I READ IN NEWSPAPER IT WOOD!
DIANA: Calm Down! How’s Grandma!?!?!
AUNT MAI: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. You just like your mother says, so mát dąy, so disrespectful!
DIANA: I am not disrespectful! I’m just trying to help you.
AUNT MAI: TIGER WOOD! LOOK IT UP!
DIANA: Fine, I will look it up. Okay? I will look it up. [Googles "Tiger Wood Dubai Classic and finds...]
AUNT MAI: Now what you have to say?
DIANA: Um, I guess it is Tiger Wood, Co Mai. How’s Grandma?
I know we’ve given you shit in the past, mostly because you’re hot and you’re Miss Universe and we’re bitchy and a little jealous. But I’ve come around to you. I’ll admit I’ve been watching Pageant Place–and I won’t even pretend that I’ve been doing so “ironically”–and you are my favorite character on the show. Sure, you’re basically mutasian (a mute Asian character often seen on television and in movies), but in this case, it’s a good thing, since all the other beauty queens you’re forced to live with are hysterical crybabies having hissy fits and bitchfights every five seconds (which I watch with pleasure, also unironically). Your silence conveys a certain dignity that I feel your housemates are sorely lacking. You come across as a decent, classy gal.
And hey, I just wanted to tell you, you are rockin’ those new bangs, which you debuted at the Vogue Nippon Women of the Year awards last weekend. But what I can’t for the life of me figure out is why you wore this, this thing:
This is not classy. This is not dignified. This is just…ewww.
thinking of you and skipping lunch today,