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BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se
Name: Jong Tae-se
Age: 26
Hails from: Japan
Occupation: Striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup Team
Y’all, I’m not gonna front. I am not a fan of The Other Football. It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching a soccer match, it’s just that I don’t feel compelled to. I didn’t grow up watching soccer in Texas–soccer was the sport you played at my high school if you were too small for football, basketball, baseball, swimming and even, trust me on this one, tennis–so I’ve never bothered to learn its nuances. I realize that this is considered by most of the world to be a personality defect, and I accept that.
But you don’t need to know much about the game to be intrigued by Jong Tae-se, star striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup team, who got pummeled 7-0 by Portugal yesterday, which got TIME magazine wondering if the loss was “A Fatal Loss of Face?” Jong was born and plays professionally in Japan, is third-generation South Korean, but attended North Korean sponsored-schools in Japan, and has chosen to represent North Korea in its first World Cup since 1966.
Continue reading BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se
Filed under: Chong Tese, Dear Leader, Football, Footie, Jong Tae-se, Kim Jong Il, Men Who Cry In Public, Nationalism, North Korea, North Korea World Cup 2010, North Koreans, Soccer, South Koreans, The Other Football, World Cup
ROCK OF ASIAN: Girl Bands To The Rescue
It took me a full day to believe that this headline was real and not just something Tila Tequila got mixed up on her blog:
It refers to South Korea’s plan to use songs and videos from groups like Wonder Girls and Girls Generation to infiltrate and ultimately beat down North Korea.
Girl bands are the new Weapon X? Badass!
From The Chosun Ilbo:
An official in charge of psy ops at the Joint Chiefs of Staff said no decision has been made so far. “It will take months to set up the big screens to use in psychological warfare operations and a wide range of contents will be shown,” the official said. “I don’t know whether songs by girl groups will be included, but there is that chance since pop songs were used in the past.” But he added the content of propaganda broadcasts will not be limited to girl bands.
Continue reading ROCK OF ASIAN: Girl Bands To The Rescue
Filed under: Awesome Ladies, Girl Bands, Girl Generation, Latvia, Latvian Blonde Parade, Legs, North Korea, Propaganda, Psychological Warfare, Riga Latvia, South Korea, The World Is Broken, Wonder Girls
Uh-Oh, North Korea’s Being A Dick Again
First, the bad news: North Korea’s being a dick again.
After South Korea ran an anti-submarine exercise early Thursday–a response to the March torpedo attack committed by North Korea on the Cheonan, a South Korean naval vessel–North Korea got all pissy and issued a stern warning to its neighbors via the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), North Korea’s state-run news agency.
Now, the good: North Korea’s warning to South Korea is HILARIOUS. The KCNA is a world leader in generating purple prose, and here’s what it had to say this time (via CNN):
“Now that the puppet group challenged the DPRK [North Korea] formally and blatantly, the DPRK will react to confrontation with confrontation, and to a war with an all-out war,” according the KCNA news agency.
The news agency referred to South Korean leaders as a “group of traitors” and said they would experience “unheard of disastrous consequences” if they misunderstand North Korea’s will.
This statement comes a day after this one, which was also issued to South Korea (edited for some semblance of brevity):
As already reported, the south Korean puppet military gangsters have carved slogans for anti-DPRK psychological warfare on walls of MP posts in the Demilitarized Zone along the Military Demarcation Line and are busy resuming the loudspeaker propaganda as part of the said warfare.
The head of the north side delegation to the north-south general-level military talks Wednesday sent the following notice to the south side as regards the reckless moves of the bellicose forces of the puppet military to resume the psychological warfare against the DPRK:
…Such act is nothing but a deliberate and premeditated provocation aimed to push Continue reading Uh-Oh, North Korea’s Being A Dick Again
Filed under: Cheonan, KCNA, Kim Jong Il, Korean Central News Agency, North Korea, North Korea Is a Dick, North Korea Is a Joke, North Korea Is No Joke, Propaganda, Purple Prose, Pyongyang, South Korea, State-Run News Agencies, Torpedo Attack on the Cheonan
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 10 People And/Or Things We Hope Get Dick Cancer
Y’all. Y’ALL. What was up with this week? Why was everyone being such a dick? Was mercury in some kind of dickish retrograde? Was there an excess of dickage in the air? Was there some kind of discount offered on dick pipes? Was it, like, International Be-A-Dick Week? Was there a big VIP dick party that we weren’t invited to (and why not, you dicks)? Seriously, what was with all this whatthedickery?
Don’t know what we mean? What kind of dickhole have you been hiding in? (And is there extra room there? We’re kinda all dicked-out at the moment.) Not to be a total dick and ruin your dick-free week, but if you don’t know what we’re talking about, you don’t know dick. So let’s stop dicking around and get down to business.
NAME: Adam Carolla
WHY HE’S A DICK: He fucked with Intern Jasmine’s homeland and #1 homey, Manny Pacquiao. And she, along with an army of pissed-off Pinoys, ain’t feelin’ that half-assed mea culpa he posted on Twitter.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer
NAME: The Shen Neng 1 Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 10 People And/Or Things We Hope Get Dick Cancer
Filed under: Adam Carolla Disses Manny Pacquiao, Akron OH Orientals, Anti-Abortion Crazies, Chinese Coal Ship Rams Great Barrier Reef, Cocks, Dick Cancer, Dickheads, Dicks, Disgrasians of the Weak, Father Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul, Ginny Barber, Joey Lo, M. Night Shyamalan, North Korea, Orientals, Patrick Kim McDermott, Pricks, Shadows In the Cloud Hackers, Shen Neng 1, The Last Airbender, The Vatican, Tiki Barber, We Are Not Mascots Motherfucker
R.I.P. Kim Dae-jung
Former South Korean President Kim Dae-jung passed away earlier today, from a cardiac arrest resulting from massive organ failure.
A popular pro-democracy opposition leader, he was elected as President in 1997 and lead the way for a liberal, democratic, modern South Korea. One major highlight of his life’s work may have been his optimistic “Sunshine Policy” approach towards North Korea, which warmed relations with the brother country and ultimately garnered Kim the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000.
He remains a beloved figure in his home country and abroad, and his presence–always hopeful–will be missed.
Filed under: Diplomacy, DJ, Former Presidents, Kim Dae-jung, Mourning, Nobel Laureates, Nobel Peace Prize, North Korea, Opposition Leaders, Optimists, R.I.P., South Korea, Sunshine Policy
Fun Family North Korean Road Trip!
North Korea announced that it will reopen its border with South Korea “to allow periodic family reunions and group visits by tourists from the South.”
Although sources like the NY Times quietly mention that this morning’s announcement also condemned joint military exercises (“obviously maneuvers for a war of aggression”) of the U.S. and South Korea, stating that payback could be “annihilating,” I think we can all look past that bunch of creepy threat stuff to see the positive:
“The North said it would allow reunions of Korean families separated by the 1950-53 Korean War, with visits taking place at Mount Kumgang, or Diamond Mountain, during the three-day Harvest Moon Festival, when Koreans traditionally visit their hometowns. This year the festival begins Oct. 3.”
Families together at last. Incredible. Beautiful. This seems like a natural priority for the North Koreans, considering leader Kim Jong Il’s stress of importance on the family unit and warm, healthy familial relations:
But let’s not forget the incredibly exciting opportunity of increased tourism in the Northern region!
Regular visits to Mount Kumgang on North Korea’s eastern coast will start “as soon as possible,” the official North Korean news agency reported, as well as visits to the ancient border town of Kaesong.”
We’re sure peeps are dying to get back up to those beautiful hotspots, and will quickly forget some of the ugly little snafus from tourism’s past:
“Programs allowing tour groups — predominantly South Koreans — to visit the North were expanded in October 2007 but were stopped last year when a South Korean tourist at Kumgang who apparently entered a restricted zone was fatally shot by a North Korean guard.”
What are we all waiting for?? SOMEBODY START PACKIN’ UP THE RV!!!
[NYT: North Korea to Reopen its Border to the South]
Filed under: Annihilasian, Borders, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Il Is a Dick, North Korea, People We Don't Easily Trust, Reopening Borders, Sketchy Situations, South Korea, Summer Vacation, Tourism
Dude, North Korea Sucked!
Euna Lee (left) and Laura Ling (right) arriving at Burbank’s Bob Hope Airport early Wednesday morningWELCOME HOME.
Filed under: American Journalists Return Home, Bill Clinton, Euna Lee, Euna Lee Laura Ling Pardoned, Euna Lee Laura Ling Retun Home, Kim Jong Il, Laura Ling, North Korea
When Leaders Collide: Bill Clinton and Kim Jong Il
Kim Jong Il and Bill Clinton meet in North Korea Tuesday to discuss the release of detained Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling
(Screen grab from video of still photo)
KIM JONG IL: Oh, hey! Bill, good of you to come! What brings you to DPRK?
BILL CLINTON: With all due respect, sir, you know why I’m here. It’s time for you to return Euna and Laura.
KIM JONG IL: Oh yeah! Yeah! Sounds great. Are you hungry?
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, sir. I’m not–
KIM JONG IL: Let’s take a picture. Does anybody have a camera? [To staff member] Grab that video guy. Shoot a little bit of me with Billy boy.
BILL CLINTON: I don’t really know if this is the time or pl–
KIM JONG IL: [To camera] Yo, wazzup! Your boy Kim here with the former prez of the USA!
BILL CLINTON: I’m here on a humanitarian mission. We have a deal. You know this.
KIM JONG IL: Yeah, yeah, of course we have a deal! Listen, are you sure you’re not hungry? Let’s just get some dinner, we’ll talk, we’ll get to everything you need…
BILL CLINTON: O…kay.
KIM JONG IL: God, BILL! It’s great to see you. Seriously. Man, you should come by more often. We gotta hang.
BILL CLINTON: This is not a “hang,” I’m here to discuss Lee and Ling, who you sentenced to 12 years in hard labor prison.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, that was mostly just for leverage. I wanted somebody like you to come over here and have dinner with me.
BILL CLINTON: Well, I’m here, asshole.
KIM JONG IL: OMG, did you hear about the World’s Biggest Asshole thing?
BILL CLINTON: Excuse me?
KIM JONG IL: Never mind.
BILL CLINTON: Maybe we should sit down and get into discussions. I don’t have a lot of time.
KIM JONG IL: I know I know I know. Rush, rush, rush! Don’t you feel like we’re always in a hurry? I mean, what are we hurrying for? We’re all going to die someday.
BILL CLINTON: [Frustrated] Yes. Hopefully some of us sooner than others.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, Bubba, don’t be like that.
BILL CLINTON: Please stop addressing me that way. President Clinton, or Bill, please.
KIM JONG IL: Alright, Bill Please! [laughs hysterically]
BILL CLINTON: Pardon me for asking, but are you on something?
KIM JONG IL: A shit ton of Vicodin and this experimental drug that makes me seem like I’m alive! Aw man, I’m just glad to see you.
BILL CLINTON: I feel like you’re just hungry for attention.
KIM JONG IL: Nuh-UH.
BILL CLINTON: I’m not here for a pleasant visit. I don’t like your nukes, I don’t like your world tactics, and I’m furious that you’ve imprisoned American journalists.
KIM JONG IL: But they were producing a smear campaign against North Korea!
BILL CLINTON: Dude, HAVE YOU PICKED UP A PAPER LATELY? Your rep is established. There’s no more “smearing” left to do.
KIM JONG IL: I’ll nuke you.
BILL CLINTON: Oh, there you go again. Do you realize that this is all just a vicious cycle? You’re not making things any better for yourself.
KIM JONG IL: Why can’t people just see that I’m cool and awesome and the best?
BILL CLINTON: Because you’re a dick and your appearance frightens small children.
KIM JONG IL: I’m sorry. About everything. I just put up these walls…
BILL CLINTON: Yes. Literally.
KIM JONG IL: It’s like I’ve gone so far, I can’t turn back.
BILL CLINTON: Well, you’re going to have to.
KIM JONG IL: I can’t!
BILL CLINTON: Listen. One step at a time. Hand over the girls. Let me take them home.
[deep, sad pause]
KIM JONG IL: Okay.
[NYT: Bill Clinton Meets Kim Jong Il in North Korea]
Photo Source: AP
Thanks to Aviva, Abe, Cate and Mohammad!
Filed under: Assholes, Bill Clinton, Coming Home, Dicks, DPRK, Euna Lee, Journalists, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Il Is a Dick, Laura Ling, Negotiasian, North Korea, Return of Euna and Laura
Phew…?
Oh, thank goodness!!
Our beautiful state of Hawaii did not get nuked over the 4th of July weekend.
Instead, North Korea fired seven missiles (potentially modified longer-range missiles, to boot) into the East Sea, giving the finger to three UN’s security council resolutions and provoking its neighboring country of Japan.
Um, yay?
[The Hankyoreh: North Korea Fires Seven Short-Range Missiles Into the East Sea]
Filed under: 4th of July, Defiance, East Sea, Hawaii, Japan, North Korea, North Korea Missile Test, Nuclear Weapons, Nukes, Sea of Japan, United Nations Security Council
Where in the World is Kim Jong Il Korea?
Here’s a photo of Kim Jong Il during a military unit visit on April 25, published in the South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo.
And here’s him doing another military unit visit on June 14.
Wait. No. Wait. No. That’s the same one, just blurry and missing a couple of dudes–hold on. Let me find it.
Shoot. That’s the same photo again. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?
Huuuuuuunnnnh. Guess that’s the question of the hour. How very interesting.
Now wait. This is big. If North Korea is doctoring photos of Kim, that means one of the following:
- Kim Jong Il is finally so filled with shame and remorse for being a chubby, bull-headed, nuke-loving dick-tator, that he refuses to show his face in public anymore. Yay!
- Kim Jong Il is too fat to walk.
- Kim Jong Il overslept on June 25 and this photo was part of a sloppy coverup scheme.
- Kim Jong Il just discovered this awesome shit called Photoshop! Favorite tool: smudge.
- Kim Jong Il is dead as a bed.
- Kim Jong Il is ill for rill, near death, and not up and able for photo-ops. Time for him to throw in the goddamn towel and stop being such a giant worldwide cheesedick.
I’m going with 3. Totally.
[NYT: Photo Stirs Speculation on North Korean Leader]
Source
Thanks, Jen!
Filed under: Bizarre Photographs, Busted, Cheesedicks, Doctored Photos, Kim Jong Be Illin', Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Il Dead, Kim Jong-Il is Missing, North Korea, Photoshop, Really? They're Trying This?
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! National Defence Commission of North Korea
Like Father, Like Son?
What can we say? The ‘Eternal President’s‘ Dynasty does not play well with others.
There’s the longstanding secrecy about the health of North Korea’s de facto leading dickhead, Kim Jong-Il. The naming of a relatively unknown figure, Kim’s youngest son–Kim Jong-Un, as his successor. A teeny-tiny (What nuclear timetable??) nuclear missile test last month. Recent threats against South Korean ships in the North’s territorial waters. Aggressively dangling the carrot of nuclear war, over and over again, with the United States and the world at large.
Oh, and of course: detaining journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee for crossing the North Korean border, convicting them after a 5-day secret trial of illegally entering North Korean territory, sentencing them to 12 years of hard labor without so much as letting the world see their face, and releasing a report detailing Ling and Lee’s admission of crimes–as well as their intent to produce a smear campaign against North Korea.
And now, there is the emerging threat via Japan that North Korea could potentially be launching a long-range missile at Hawaii on our Independence Day. Don’t be scared; we’re pretty sure we’re prepared to deal.
That doesn’t change the fact that the North Korean government has succeeded in making their country one of the scariest, fuck-all, let-it-all-burn, motherfucking places in the world. They don’t give a shit, and they want this planet to know it.
Is that DISGRASIAN? We sure as fucking hell think so.
[CNN: Gates - U.S. ready for North Korea missile]
[Liberate Laura & Euna Now]
Filed under: Euna Lee, Fucked Up Shit, Hawaii, Kim Jong Il Is a Dick, Laura Ling, Liberate Laura and Euna, Making Threats, North Korea, North Korea Missile Test, Nuclear Warfare, Nukes, Scary Shit
F*ck You, North Korea
Worst outcome possible:
Euna Lee and Laura Ling have been sentenced to 12 years of hard labor for illegally entering North Korean territory, a verdict issued by North Korea’s highest court that is final and cannot be appealed.
It is time for our government to step up and right this wrong: we need an envoy immediately. Do your part–email the State Department to step up negotiations now.
[NY Times: N. Korea Sentences 2 U.S. Journalists to 12 Years of Hard Labor]
[HuffPo: Laura Ling, Euna Lee, U.S. Journalists, Sentenced to 12 Years In North Korea]
Filed under: Convictions, Euna Lee, Free Euna and Laura, Hard Labor, Hardhitting Journalists, Laura Ling, Liberate Laura and Euna, North Korea, Sadness, Sentences, This is Bullshit
