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Filed under: Adorable-ness, Cuteness, Dance Wid Me, Indie Bands, Indie Pop, Kollaboration, Nerd Pop, New York, No Doubt, NY Kollaboration 2010, Orange County, Paperdoll, Pop Music, Save Ferris, Ska, Teresa
Thank you for taking Gwen Stefani off our hands this summer. And by off our hands, we mean touring with her and making a new album together, thereby preventing her from doing something foolish and godawful on her own, like parading around with her four matchy-matchy Harajuku Slaves or doing another solo record of lobotomizing tunage that serves no discernible purpose other than to fill the void during a 30-second timeout at a Laker game (some of which you’re responsible for, but let’s just pretend we don’t know that). You’re doing us–and, we like to think, the world–a HUGE solid.
Oh, and happy 39th birthday, too!
Four years on the musical slave plantasian has apparently not been kind to Gwen Stefani’s vocal cords.
The new No Doubt leaked release (a cover of Adam Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”) is shit. Absolute shit. I’ve tried to get through a complete listen–using a survival tactic often purposed for bad sex–by focusing on the image of Tony Kanal’s oh-so-pretty face and trying not to listen too hard to the slinkys that have apparently lodged themselves in Stefani’s larynx, but it’s not working at all. Is this No Doubt comeback reunion really going to work? Does the chick with the microphone even have the ability to make music without Japanese backup anymore?
It’s gonna take awhile to answer those questions. Somebody get me an Excedrin Migraine and a vibrator, stat.
For those of you as worried as I was about the financial stability and respective career futures of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls during the No Doubt-revival-world-tour/vomitous-Gwen Stefani-solo-career-interim, have no fear!
Jen just informed me that the Girls are booked solid with future events–Gwen would never leave them high and dry!
They’ll be busy peddling Gwen’s Harajuku Lovers perfume. Handing out samples and stuff.
Like, while riding a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.
Gwen Stefani’s ska-pop launching pad, No Doubt, has announced an official reunion tour (via an unlikely iChat conversation) on their official website.
That’s good news for those of us who holiday-skanked to “Oi to the World” during the mid-nineties, cry whenever they listen to the lyrics of “Bathwater,” have a crush on Tony Kanal, or are willing to forgive a band of Orange County brats that traveled to the islands, messed around with a few steel drums, emerged with a record splattered with grafitti font, and called the whole damn thing Rock Steady as if it could embody the spirit of a whole genre. Good news. Great news!
But bad news indeed for a couple of silent Harajuku Girls, who, now out of work, might finally have a reason to look so glum:
TOM: Uh, yeah Gwen. It’s great.
GWEN: Right Tony?
TONY: What? Oh yeah, whatever.
GWEN: Where were you at lunch today? I saw you leaving with those two Harajuku girls.
TONY: Those weren’t harajuku girls. Their names are Diana and Jen. They do this site or whatever called Disgr—-
GWEN: Oh that’s so weird! They reminded me so much of my little slaves.
TONY: [sighs loudly] Anyway, whatever, they said they wanted to take me out. We had a good lunch. We talked a lot about things like people stealing thunder, playing racial drag, and ditching the talented people who took you to the top and exploiting the fetishized ideas of Eastern races in order to capitalize off of the dispensable income of impressionable young g—-
GWEN: Huh? Anyway, I’m so glad we’re still bros. You guys are totally my bros.
TONY: We’re not siblings. I’ve slept with you before. You wore my mom’s bindi for 3 weeks.
TOM: Why didn’t you come to my birthday dinner at Cipriani, Gwen?
ADRIAN: I just pooped my pants!
GWEN: God you guys, it’s been so long. Like Kingston is totally as big as you guys.
ADRIAN: I am a king!
TOM: Where is that little rat?
GWEN: He’s with one of my slaves. Baby, I think. My baby is with BABY! Heee! Isn’t that cute?
TONY: [rolls eyes] Oh yeah, reaalllly fuckin’ cute.
GWEN: So um, did you guys give any more thought to that thing I was talking about inside?
TOM: Uh, NO.
GWEN: It’s FUN, guys. You just have to give it a chance.
TOM: Adrian, no, it’s not fun.
GWEN: Whhhaaa–aaat! Come on!
TONY: I’m not wearing a dhoti and kurta, Gwen.
GWEN: Oh come on! Why not! That’s traditional Indian dress!!! I have all these cool old Bollywood pictures we can send to our stylist.
TONY: No, Gwen.
GWEN: And I will call you “Butterfly…”
ADRIAN: I have a heart!
TOM: Jesus Christo, shut up Gwen.
GWEN: …and Tom can be “Oval…”
ADRIAN: Lollipop! I want a lollipop!
TONY: Goddamn you, witch!
GWEN: …and Adrian can be “Lollipop!” You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
ADRIAN: [purrs and nods yes]
TONY: My lord, Diana and Jen were right about you.