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Bai Ling stopped by The Howard Stern Show Wednesday, where she claimed to be drug and alcohol-free. “I’m naturally high,” she said, “if I want alcohol drug I can use myself.” She also went dressed as Stern, although the end result was more Slash circa Appetite for Destruction:
Even though it was three weeks before Halloween and a bit early for costumes, we’re just happy her nipples were tucked away and nowhere to be seen for a change. Well done, Bai!
Nothing says, “I’m attending a dreary event in D.C., and although I’m more fun to look at than Todd Palin and Rahm Emanuel, I still feel like a reality robot among Spielbergs and Stephanopouloses. By the way, I was once married to a respected author, so feel free to take me seriously…Oh my gaw is that President Obama??”
Who knew that Bai Ling was, as Michael Kors would say in that gaysal (gay + nasal) voice of his…”high fashion”? Last week, the NY Times published a story about Band-Aids being the latest fashion craze and even cited Bai Ling as an early adopter.
What’s next? Nipple-slipples as the hottest red carpet accessory? Oh, wait…never mind.
Speaking of Bai and fashion accessories, our favorite alienasian boldly went where every man has gone before and attempted to explain why white dudes love Asian chicks on her blog last week:
Dinner was nice last night, meet with a good director and his chinese lovely wife and his Italian friend, its a trend that westen guys find Asian girl to be their girl friend and wife, they all attracted to the east, which I don’t belame them, we have the pointry the romance and the beauty and the mystery of sex……
…but not, apparently, the good spelling.
Bai Ling attended the X-Files: I Want to Believe premiere last night looking like a slutty Big Bird, accessorized with–shocker!–a requisite nipple slipple, silver heels, a hint of ass crack, and those stupid fucking band-aids.
Bai doesn’t appear to be in the movie, but if she were, we’re confident she would have been perfect as “one of them.”
Filed under: Aliens, Bai Ling, Band-Aids, Big Bird Suits, Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, I Want to Believe, Jumping the Nipple Shark, Live From the Red Carpet, Nipple Slipples, Nipples, Premieres, X-Files Movie
I’m one of those people who suffers a particular kind of anxiety–an irrational belief that things I care about will go to shit when I’m not watching over them. Disaster will strike, accidents will happen, something will go horribly wrong. You can imagine, then, how difficult it was, in a way, to go on vacation. Never mind that I have a brilliant, hilarious, and capable writing partner in Diana. I knew that she would, as we say around DISGRASIAN HQ, “hold down the fort.” That wasn’t the issue. It was more like, How am I going to unplug? What will I do without email and wifi? How will I live without the news? When I get back, will I remember how to write?
As it turns out, a weird virus did not devour the blog, my house didn’t burn down, nobody died (well, except Tim Russert). Gasoline did go up to $4.50 a gallon, but whatever. My vacation and time away from DISGRASIAN were sorely needed; I don’t want to end up like so many bloggers I know, with no life, no friends, no real experiences, or, worse, so much stress it kills you. That said, yesterday–my first day back–was rough. It didn’t help that I felt like somebody had walloped me with a sledgehammer and then propped me up on pins (fucking jetlag). Also, you take three weeks off, and you don’t know how you feel about anything in “real life” or what the line is between funny, pointless, base, and, worst of all, emo.
So, while trying to figure out the distinction between honest and earnest, I found myself on Bai Ling’s blog. (I realize that I just worded that like someone who gets busted by the popo and says, “And suddenly, I found myself with a tranvestite hooker’s mouth around my cock.”) Anyway, I went there because, after being gone for 3 weeks, I was curious as to what homegirl had been up to. And, more importantly, why through my sporadic interaction with world news, I hadn’t gotten wind of her usual bai-tshit behavior: shoplifting double-A batteries from an airport kiosk, slipping a nipple at a charity function, or wearing, say, a pink tutu paired with a triangle top made out of something weird like…bacon strips.
I learned from her blog that the reason you haven’t heard much from Bai lately is because she’s shooting a movie in Thailand.
Wait, Bai still makes movies? I also learned while I had the transvestite hooker’s mouth around my cock that Bai is quite the prolific…blogger. In 2007, the year she started her blog (like us), she had over 1000 posts. Just like us. In June 2008, she actually posted…MORE THAN DISGRASIAN.
BAI LING IS MORE PROLIFIC THAN WE ARE?!?
Let me put it another way:
BAI LING IS BETTER AT SOMETHING THAN WE ARE?!?
Dude, that is seriously fucked. The shame, the humiliasian. When I found this out, I wondered if it was possible to drink myself to death consuming Robitussin or if that would only make me act stupid like a high school kid at her first warehouse rave. Once I settled on the latter, I decided one thing, one thing for sure, which is that I’m NEVER going on vacation again.
Bai “Yes to Sticky Fingers, No to Sticky Double-Sided Tape to Hold My Teats In” Ling plead guilty yesterday to disturbing the peace in her Valentine’s Day shoplifting episode.
Like many of you, DISGRASIAN made New Year’s Resolutions for ’08. Some of these resolutions are diet-related, about cutting back our consumption of certain things. Some are about getting rid of bad relationships. Some are focused on eliminating negative thoughts. They’re probably just like yours in one way or another, only we call them New Year’s Resolasians. Of course, resolasians, like resolutions, are meant to be broken, and ours are kinda contingent upon other people, but keep your fingers crossed for us, anyway, will ya?
No more Buddhist Prayer Hands.
No more Fisting.
No more Mutasians.
No more Bad Fuck Charms.
No more Disgrestaurants.
No more Chinysteria.
No more Engrish as “news”.
No more Gongbangin’.
No more Racial Drag.
No more Samurites.
No more White Hooker Boots.
No more Drive-Bis.
Have a great ’08 everyone!
A newer better DISGRASIAN
idea, a fashion line. I should have my own fashion line! I could call it B’ai!
I could make sparkly bandeau tops with matching underwear–er-pants!
God, I’m just so SAD. Why isn’t anyone taking photos of me?”
What does it mean, dick? Sigh. I still feel sad. Now, I pout.”
told me that it was ‘like Gwen Stefani’s baby stroller
on acid.’ I don’t really know what that means but something about the pleats makes me feel like I am not very sexy.”
Now all I have to do is slide this baby open and then EVERYONE will want to talk about my book, NIPPLES! I feel joy once again! I am sexy! I am SEXY!!!”
Insanity barometer… off the charts and out to space!!!
Happy Birthday to Bai Ling, who turned 37 yesterday! We realize we’re a day late and a dollar short with the b-day wishes, but that kinda sums up our feelings for Buh-Bai, don’tcha think? Besides, no one really knows when the Nipple Slipple Queen “popped out” of her mother’s “dress,” so we won’t sweat the nipples. Oops. I meant, the details.
Sure, I’ve surmised that the slippery little lady toppled over on some secondhand Vivienne Westwood platforms while drunkenly trying to flash her underthings to a passing city bus. Sure, it made me smile a little. But that’s burying the headline.
And that headline is:
…which fills my brain with all sorts of horrible, horrible images.
WHICH CONTAINS MORE TALENT?
b) one of Margaret Cho’s nipples?
ANSWER: b) one of Margaret Cho’s nipples. I know it was an easy one, but you deserve a break today.
Filed under: Celebutardation is NSFW, Celebutards, Cultural Lows, Famous-For-Nothings, Games, Looking at These Tools Makes me Suicidal, Margaret Cho, Nipple Slipples, Stupid Lists, Uselessness Ain't Asian