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Everyone knows Justin Bieber has a badass bodyguard who’ll fuck you up if you try to harm a hair on the Biebs’ $750 coiffure. Which explains why the various Bieber-hater clans of the Internet resorted to hiring ninjas to infiltrate last night’s Grammys and destroy him.
The mercenaries came to the totally culturally irrelevant awards ceremony armed with throwing stars, poison darts, and their cloaks of invisibility to carry out their mission (and possibly catch a glimpse of Gaga getting hatched from an egg before, a sight not even ninjas get to see every day). But not long after the chorus to Bieber’s hit “Never Say Never” kicked in with “and there’s just no turning back/when your heart’s under attack,” the ninjas hired to kill the 16 year-old pop sensation realized that that was exactly what was happening to them.
Their cold ninja hearts were under attack, besieged with fever…Bieber Fever.
Filed under: Beliebers, Bieber, Bieber Fans Attack Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia, Bieber Fans More Deadly Than Ninjas, Bieber Haters, Canadians, Crazy Bieber Fans, Esperanza Spalding, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber Ninja Backup Dancers, Lady Gaga Hatches From an Egg, Mercenaries, Ninjas, Ninjas Have Bieber Fever, Teen Pop Sensations, the Biebs, The Grammys, Usher, Who the Fuck Says Who the Heck Anyway?
Remember how a few weeks ago, we told you about a “Ninja” who was threatening to kick Joe Lieberman’s ass in Connecticut, but we were like, Whoa, whoa, Ninja, let’s wait to see what he can do with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the repeal of which Lieberman was rumored to be heading up?
It’s unclear whether Lieberman has made any progress on that front, and now Senator Grimace Face is up to his old tricks again, namely, screwing Democrats, by threatening to join Republicans in a filibuster of any health care bill that would carry a public option.
For any of you confused about what the public option is, watch this simple, succinct explanation given by economist, former Secretary of Labor, and really smart man Robert Reich:
Filed under: Assholes, Bad Democrats, Filibuster, Health Care, Health Care Bill, Health Care Bill Public Option, Health Care Reform, Independents, Joe Lieberman, Ninjas, Senator Harry Reid, Senator Joe Lieberman, Turncoats
A man dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks was arrested this week for standing on a street corner in Vernon, CT, and making a ruckus about wanting to beat up Senator Joe Lieberman. When police approached the ninja with tasers, it was reported that the stealth, would-be senator-beater became “polite and cooperative.”
While a) identifying your target openly and b) becoming “polite and cooperative” when the authorities arrive don’t exactly sound like typical ninja behaviors, who hasn’t wanted to get all shinobi-wan-kenobi on Lieberman’s party-flip-flopping assssss?
But hold on there, Lieberman-haters. Because it appears Obama’s putting the old grimacing malcontent, who sits on the Senate Armed Services Committee, in charge of repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Looks like we need him on our side, at least for the time being.
Although if he effs this up, ninjas…to the rooftops, we say!
…an orphaned boy who wants to be a ninja but becomes involved in a crime in Hollywood while looking for his real parents.
Funny, funny stuff. It might not top Hasselhoff’s last comedic starring role, but it could come awfully close.
Filed under: Ask a Ninja, Beverly Hills Ninja 2, Career Lows, Chris Farley, David Hasselhoff, Drunkburgers, Excuse Me But I Think You've Got Lettuce on Your Face, Ninjas, Pointless Sequels, South Korea
I’ve heard that actor Rick Yune (The Fast and the Furious, Die Another Day) has zero-percent body fat, which is pretty obvious, I guess, from looking at him. I’d be willing to believe that the guy is part of some superhuman species, except he did date Lisa Ling so…maybe not. Haven’t seen much of this beefcake lately, so I was glad to hear that he’s been cast in the next Wachowski-produced project about–da da da–NINJAS. Now, you may recall how I’m feeling about ninjas these days, but listen to the plotline of this action flick, which also stars Rain as…
“…a man brought up in an orphanage functioning as a ninja farm. The man turns his back on his tradition to make his way in the modern world, which brings him into conflict with a ninja (Yune) from the clan.”
I’m willing to make another exception to my no-more-ninjas rule, mostly because I’m psyched to see two hot guys swing from ropes and beat the shit out of each other.
I’m officially over ninjas. I don’t want to hear anything more about Pirates versus Ninjas, Ninja M.D.s, the Kawasaki Ninja, Ninja Cheerleaders, or Ninja perfume. I’ve decided, however, that it’s still okay to dress up as a ninja if you’re cute and little, like these adorable Japanese children:
But the cutoff age for ninjaphilia ought to mirror that for trick-or-treating–right around when you start getting pubes. Ya hear that, Ask a Ninja?
Of course, if there is a Ninja Festival taking place, like in Mie Prefecture, Japan, and, for a month, all ninjas ride the train for free, I suppose I could make another exception.
Driving down the 5 Freeway the other week, my friends and I pulled up behind this shiny, new Lexus with vanity plates:
When we got close enough to read the license plate, I was STOKED. A Ninja M.D.? Holy shit. Did that mean the driver was a doctor to Ninjas–who I imagine have special injuries like stab wounds to the spleen that we mere mortals would never survive–or was the driver both a Ninja and a doctor, a scenario that could only be described as a Hardass Asian Parent’s wettest dreamiest wet dream?
I made my friend Matt, who was driving his pimped-out Cadillac, pull up alongside this mystery martial-arts healer. Was he/she in their black-as-night Ninja uniform? Was he/she steering that shiny, new Lexus without touching the wheel? Would he/she be invisible to us civilians?
“Ninja MD” turned out to be a man. He didn’t exactly look like a Ninja. He was Asian and middle-aged and I suspect, rockin’ out to the wicked vocal stylings of Josh Groban. And then it occurred to me that he might just be a doctor, but because he was Asian, he fancied himself a Ninja, too.
Then I just felt depressed.
Last week, an INTRASIAN smackdown took place between Shaolin monks from a temple in China’s Henan Province and some douchebag who talks trash on the internet. (Nothing like what we do. Not a bit. Really. Okay, maybe a little.)
The douchebag claimed on a Chinese-language internet forum that a Japanese ninja challenged the Shaolin monks in Henan to a fight and won.
The posting last week on the “Iron Blood Bulletin Board Community” described a ninja who challenged the monks of the Shaolin Temple to a fight last month after practising boxing at a Japanese mountain retreat for five years. It claimed the monks accepted the challenge and the ninja won, proving that modern-day monks are trained to perform rather than fight.
“The fact that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain,” it said.
The Shaolin monks responded by hiring a lawyer, demanding an apology, and threatening to sue. The douchebag has since apologized and fessed up that the story was fiction. You can read the apology here, if you read Chinese.
(Thanks Greenie! You rule!)
Three teens in aptly-named Rogue River, Oregon, are facing felony charges of burglary, theft, and vandalism. Oh, and retahdation. The three boys, ages 15 to 16, fancied themselves Ninjas and, as the purpley prose of one local Oregonian paper described, they “graduated to burglary after skulking across rooftops and ghosting through people’s yards at night.” You can check out one of the perps’ MySpace pages here–from which I gathered this pic:
The best part of the story is that Rogue River’s police chief Ken Lewis, had this to say about who was to blame for the boys’ crime spree, “I think they watched too many Jackie Chan movies and got caught up in the fantasy.”
We always said that Jackoff was a bad influence.
Click here to read full story.
What the hay is going on?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie, opened at number one this weekend, raking in $25.6 million:
Then there’s Ask a Ninja, which just won “Best Series” at the YouTube awards. Click here to see more:
I could not for the life of me find a killer picture of Benny vogue-ing, which is what the House of Ninja is famous for. Please please see Paris is Burning if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Willi Ninja, founder of the House of Ninja who died of AIDS-related heart failure last year, basically invented vogue-ing, made Madonna a gajillion dollars, and taught Disgrasian extraordinaire Naomi Campbell how to work the runway, according to his NYT obit.
So those of you who think I’m going to punk Benny Ninja, think again.
These Fools, however, whom Benny schooled on posing and were then forced to vogue their way through a LASER FIELD in the saddest silver unitards I’ve ever seen, are a different story: