You are currently browsing posts tagged with Nicole Scherzinger

Nicole Scherzinger + Slash = NONONO (squared)

October 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ladies and gentlemen, a lesson in, um, Physics.

Nicole Scherzinger just laid down a track on Slash’s new album, Slash and Friends.

Worse than the vision of Limbaugh with The Rams

And we just deleted him from our Facebook friends.

It’s called friendship balance, people! Balance. Hey, we’re just trying to keep the world intact. We can’t argue with science, for crying out loud.

[ContactMusic: Scherzinger Recording With Slash]

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India Gets Its First Porn Star

May 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

India’s finally got its first porn star! Her name is Savita Bhabhi, and…she’s a cartoon.


You can check out the 10+ comic book-issues chronicling the sexventures of bored housewife Savita Bhabhi–who bears a passing resemblance to Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger–at this NSFW site, although after reading a couple, you might find the storylines a little tedious (except perhaps when she fucks her cousin and keeps referring to herself as his “little sister,” ewww). Typically, she comes on to a stranger, then when he gets aggro, she becomes prudish, then she says “what the hell?” and goes to town on the dude anyway. But predictable plots don’t seem to deter the 60 million unique visitors who click on the site each month, because, I mean, porn is porn, after all, and not Tolstoy.


But let’s not bury the lead, right? India, where porn is illegal, has finally got its first porn star! That’s what? Half a billion cases of blue balls, cured like that?

[via BuzzFeed]

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Nicole Scherzinger, You Are the Reason that We Breathe

March 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


“Hello, beautiful people. Nicole Scherzinger–that’s Shurrrzinger–here. I hope you caught our beautiful performance of “Jai Ho” last night on Jimmy Fallon. Gratuitous boob-touching and prayer hands were flyin’ all over the place. No, I’m not Indian, but I am so honored that people think I am, and that I represent to the world all of the beautiful plethora multitudinous diversely cultures within it, because when I was growing up, there was no one who looked like me, and people called me names, and I wasn’t told I was beautiful, even though inside I knew that I had a light shining in me, and I was special, and one day everyone would see that light and see the real ‘Nicole,’ and all that was beauty and harmony and unicorns. And how mad-wicked is this bindi? It represents something beautiful and…uh…uh…beauty…and…please everyone go buy our single.”

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Thanks, Jack!

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Skanks Gotta Stick Together

October 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


The Pussycat Dolls’ Nicole Scherzinger said this week that she’d welcome Sarah Palin into her group if the Republican ticket fails in November.

“She seems like a headstrong woman, a tough chick. And she’s hot,” Scherzinger said.

And we can’t think of a better use of Palin’s talents! Especially after the last few weeks, when the VP-wannabe has demonstrated all too well that she can get down and dirty. Plus, Palin is hot, and we think she’d look smoking in a latex dress, despite her aversion to rubbers.

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Nicole Scherzinger on Racial Drag

September 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
The Pussycat Dolls at NY Fashion Week’s Fashion Rocks last Friday


Nicole Scherzinger on wearing a sari:

“This is my first time in a sari because somebody told me Bollywood is really hot right now. It feels amazing but not quite as sexy as latex pants. I feel like a whole nother person. I put this on and I feel so beautiful and just in touch with all the different cultures and backgrounds that I’m made of. And now for an awkward, non-sequiter shout-out to my fans: Just be true to yourself and stay beautiful.

…I’m so honored if people think that I’m Indian or look Indian instead of a plastic surgery nightmare. Growing up…I didn’t always have a lot of people to look up to who looked like me [cue world's smallest violin]. And I love that everywhere I go [everywhere??--Ed.], even in India, people think, wow, she belongs to us. [Please, for the love of God, India--take this crazy bitch off our hands.--Ed.]


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Ne-Yo So Sick of Britney

July 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Poor Brit Brit. Blasian R&B artist Ne-Yo wrote some songs for her next album but gave them instead to Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls after Britney had her mental meltdown last year. Ne-Yo contends that it was Britney who flaked and only got her panties-she-never-wears in a twist when she discovered that he had given the songs to Nicole.

“I heard that she was upset with me,” Ne-Yo says, “and, you know, I don’t care.”

Meanwhile, Britney is looking better these days, if a little dead/medicated in the eyes, but she doesn’t hold a candle to Nicole, who, skanky as she is, is undeniably smokin’. Here’s the one non-stripper snap of the Pinaysian Pussycat that we were able to find on the world wide web-o-sphere:


Very Maria Callas. We like.

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ROCK OF NO WAYSIAN: Nicole Scherzinger Ruins Our Day Again

April 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Duran Duran’s Rio defined my young life–Jesus, maybe still defines my entire life. I write this as I sit under a mint-condition Seven and the Ragged Tiger poster, which is prominently displayed 5 feet high on the wall behind me in my fancy Beverly Hills office. The band itself is essentially sacred in my book–the first page of which includes a 3 ft. x 10 ft. Duran Duran collage splayed across the back of a closet door in the bedroom I shared with my oldest sister in Missouri. Somewhere in the middle is the image of John Taylor, perfectly cut out of a magazine, wearing a tailored blue suit, his left leg crossed over his right and one come-hither eyebrow raised, all like a textbook diagram of the kind of man you kiss. Or tumble on the beach with.

And “Rio,” the song that begat the album, with its tumbling intro and maniacal execution, remains one of the most perfect and erratic and important tunes ever to cannonball into my ears. If I closed my eyes, I never knew if I was at a nightclub or a jungle, if I was in a fantastic movie scene or on a terrible safari. Did it matter? Does it matter? All that counts is that it was the essence of cool, and Duran Duran was sooo British, and that the possibilities to be so chic and so rad and so seething with sex, when you listened to that song, were endless.

And so it is with deep dismay that I came across this terrible news this week: Pussycat Dolls alum Nicole Scherzinger has laid her paws all over the seminal track, creating a tacky breath-pop island version that will ultimately mean nothing to no one–except of course Caress, the brand of soap she’s peddling for with the song.

What’s next, Lennon’s original masters in JC Penny commercials?

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Thanks, jRu!

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Give It Your Allsian

March 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

A note to aspiring DIVAsians: nothing says “singing from your gut” like a public-toilet squat with a completely uninspired trashy lingerie fashion show in the background. (Did my old roommate buy that sassy leopard set at Victoria’s Secret in ’99? I think so…)

Next stop, Carnegie Hall!!!

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Butt Out!

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Nicole: That dime slot is lookin’ more suitable for a half-dollar.

Celebrity blogger Just Jared just posted some highlights of Nicole Scherzinger’s recent interview with Blender Magazine, in which she touts her forthcoming solo album, Her Name is Nicole. Even though she’s only partly Asian, I thought I’d help some of you understand what she’s trying to say, lest there be some complications due to the language barrier:

You honestly don’t think that the way the Dolls dress or dance can be described as naughty or raunchy? Never. Never in a million, bazillion, trazillion years. (pauses) Did you see my face? I didn’t even blink.

TRANSLASIAN
: I led a very unhappy childhood.

Are you a fembot? (Like one of the mechanical girls in Austin Powers movies whose only purpose is to give pleasure): No. But I can play that role really well.

TRANSLASIAN
: I have very low aspirations.

On how on-screen crushes are just that: “You get these crushes on guys, and then you meet them and you realize you just loved the role they were playing. Like, who doesn’t love Ryan Gosling after you see ‘The Notebook’? Then you meet the person and you’re like, ‘Huh? What?’”

TRANSLASIAN: I am a total idiot and a worthless celebrity. I am so insecure that I can’t even recognize that Ryan Gosling is our generation’s Brando. Okay, Ryan Gosling wouldn’t screw me. Okay, he would even stand near me at that one party for fear that we would be photographed together. I am a lonely, sad, empty person.

On her solo album release: “I need total focus, total concentration, total centering, because this album is everything I’ve been working for my whole life. You get one chance, and this is my chance.”

TRANSLASIAN: I didn’t write a word on this album and I can’t dance. Please buy my record or else I’ll end up getting fat on a combo of Jamba Juice and Cheese curls, and then I’ll want to slit my wrists. My manager wouldn’t let me put the word “Pussy” in my album title and I think it’ll ruin my career. I am totally freaking out. Look at my ass!

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

August 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“So you’re saying that to succeed in Hollywood I need to speak in full sentences, dress appropriately, and sing in key? Is this some kind of joke?*”

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*Of COURSE it’s a joke. This is Hollywood, Butterface. If you want us to notice you, show us your cooch! Say something like “I’m a little bad, hee hee!” and “Fame is hard” “I don’t really try to be a sex symbol” and “There’s pressure to be thin” and “I love the Ivy because of the food, y’know?”

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Bad Pussy. Cat.

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Love you long time!!!”

Hmm. There must be a poetic way to say this.

Nicole Scherzinger, you are indeed a looker.
Nicole Scherzinger, you remind me of a hooker.
Darling Nikki is a Nikki, and quite a masturbater.
You are also a Nikki, with the talent of a tater.
I watched you this week on So You Think You can Dance,
So you’re inclined to squat when you’re not wearing pants?!
So shocked were my eyes when I watched for your grooves
Only to find you’ve got no special moves.
Listening closer, I heard more of the song.
I heard a weak line, and thought, “Girl, tha’s jus’ WRONG!”
Do you or don’t you say “love you long time?”
Way to ka-ching chong your way out of a rhyme!
Now, interest piqued, I sought out the song’s vid,
Only to see what you tastelessly did.
Yoga asana as “come hither” poses,
Why do the Eagle pose? Nobody knows this.
What it all boils down to is you’re a disgrace,
Your stink and your stank skank up all of this place.
And it’s quite a shame, ’cause you’ve got a rock body,
But you’re most of all useless and hooker-ish naughty.
Bye for now Nikki, and your slot like a dime,
Think twice next time before “loving long time.”

Watch SYTYCD.
Watch the “Whatever You Like” video.
Then puke.

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Thanks, jRu!

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