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Here’s a bitch fight I wish I’d witnessed:
“…Tila [Tequila] saw Joel [Madden, and] ran up to him and started acting super flirty-grabbing and hugging him,” a spywitness told The National Enquirer.
“Nicole had her back turned,” the insider continued, “But when she realized that Tila was all over him, she ran up and yelled, ‘Joel..JOEL!”
Nicole pulled Joel away to the couple’s table, but that wasn’t a big enough of a hint for Tila, who continued pursuing Joel in the presence of her pregnant companion. When she tried approaching Joel a second time, all Hell broke loose.
“That was the last straw for Nicole. She got right in Tila’s face and screamed, ‘Back off and get out of here.’”
Tila stood her ground for a few moments, but left the affair red-faced with shame once she realized Nicole’s outburst had made her the laughing stock of the party.
Ooh, the fireworks! Midge versus midge! Stick arms versus stick arms! Famous-for-nothing versus famous-for-nothing! And all over Play-doh-faced Joel Madden–there hasn’t been a celebutard love showdown this worthless since Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff duked it out over Aaron Carter!
Decisions, decisions… who can you root for?
Hollywood actresses! Past, present, and never:
at Wednesday’s Alberta Ferreti store opening
LUCY: Wait–dammit. They’re taking a picture? Everyone will think I know you people.
NICOLE: You know us. Remember that one night we stayed up doing tequila shots, talking shit about Rachel Zoe?
MARISA: I know Rachel Zoe.
LUCY: No you don’t.
MARISA: Yes I do! I think I met her right after I won [dips head and deepens voice in seriousness] my Oscar.
NICOLE: Wow! You won an Oscar? Wow. That’s really hot. I didn’t know that.
MARISA: Everybody knows that. Didn’t you see My Cousin Vinny?
NICOLE: That’s the movie with the bad guy from Home Alone, right? I think I saw that on TBS the other day.
MARISA: Ahem. I won the Academy Award for my role as [pauses] Mona Lisa Vito. For [raises eyebrows] Best Supporting Actress.
LUCY: [rolls eyes] Uh huh.
NICOLE: Rad. When was that, or whatever?
MARISA: Feels like yesterday. Maybe it was 2000 or 2001.
LUCY: [snorts] It was 1992.
MARISA: [snaps] In 1992, you were still doing bit parts on TV dramas.
LUCY: At least people don’t speculate as to whether or not my getting those bit parts was an accident, you old hag.
MARISA: (miffed) I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.
NICOLE: Who did you wear?
MARISA: [to Lucy] You’re a real bitch, you know that?
LUCY: Yes. That’s why I play one so often in movies and TV shows.
NICOLE: God, I need to get back on TV again. I hate being at home and remembering that I procreated with a Madden twin. I hate all this baby holding bullshit. I hate having tits.
LUCY: Love those bubs while you can, Nic–they’re going to be all deflated and saggy when you get to be like ol’ grandma over here.
MARISA: I AM NOT A GRANDMA!
LUCY: Really? Then why are you borrowing my grandma’s look?
NICOLE: Oh, shit!
MARISA: I’ll kill you!
LUCY: Don’t even start. I’ll cut you.
NICOLE: Wow. Are you guys, like, acting?
LUCY: Somebody take this goddamn picture before I cut somebody else.
Perhaps you’ve wondered why your Asian girlfriends tend to pose for photographs with their face demurely resting in their hands, i.e.:
Are they just being sweet? Are they passive and agreeable?
They’re worried about Asian Moon Face. It’s something we all battle; even when we’re 93 lbs. and rocking the third-world gaunt (uh, like me, ’cause um, I’m like, totally that tiny), we can’t run from our giant faces.
It starts young. Observe:
Ladies, let me tell you as a woman with a lot of experience in this area, the fix-all steps to deal with your growing moon face are: Left hand, left cheek. Works every time. And yes, you need it.
Right hand, right cheek.
Ladies, let me tell you as a woman with a lot of experience in this area, the fix-all steps to deal with your growing moon face are:
Left hand, left cheek.
Works every time. And yes, you need it.
From People.com, an interview with Cisco “I’m Famous for Dating Famous People” Adler:
Was it shocking when you found out Nicole Richie was pregnant or did you personally hear about?
It was surprising but congratulations to them. They’re good people.
Do you believe she’ll be a good mom?
Oh yeah, she’ll be a good mom.
How do you think her boyfriend, Joel Madden, will be about it?
Joel’s a great guy. I think he loves her. I don’t know though I don’t know their relationship that well.
Crazy Long Balls has spoken! If your balls were this long, people would want to hear what you have to say, too. Dare to dream.
Pictured below: Nicole Richie leaving Dr. Marcu Surrey’s Reproductive Clinic on Wednesday in Beverly Hills, with a hug from Clinic employee Suzanne Yahiro.
Another celebutard day of errands. Check, check, check, and check.